Old 04-9-2008, 06:55 PM   #1
imajrockette
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Default im your puppet no longer

Why do you feel the need to use her
As your punching bag? She’s a human all
The same, you left marks on her body which
Screams out your name

Scars foretold a story,An abusive boyfriend and
A marked up girl, her life going in an endless
Downward swirl.

Everyone in school saw them as the
Perfect couple to be but they
Never knew that she felt so powerless,
So weak

Her friends never saw the marks, the tears she cried.
She always hid her pain behind makeup and candy
Coated lies.

No one to turn to she felt all alone, her parents were
druggies and she ran away from home.
Her aunt was cruel, made the poor girl
Cry even more, called her names ,even a whore

To afraid to call for help, more pain she had to endure,
School was even harder, she felt as if she couldn’t
Take anymore.

But she tried to stay strong and told herself
That she belonged. She begged her boyfriend
To try and get help but he did not go along.

Little did she know he actually
Took the advice, he didn’t want to
Tell her because he thought it
wasn’t right.

The girl went back to her
Aunts house and stayed in her
Room, checked her email
And thought she was doomed.
The email read “I have to let you go”
And she wondered why he didn’t say so.
She was so hurt to know that the one
She loved with all her heart didn’t
love her back. So she ran to the bathroom
Taking her blade with her, went through the medicine
Cabinet and got some pills telling her aunt
That she was ill.

she knew that It was the end.
he was the only person she had left
to turn to But now she lost him.

Filling the tub with Luke warm water,
She stepped in and took a breath, she knew it was her
End but how afraid she was of death. She carved his name into her arm and watched as the blood poured out the wound.

It stung so much so she took pills to numb her soon.
Drowned, mutilated, and overdosed, her soul was soon set free.
Tortured no longer, in a better place. Heaven sent and heaven bound,
her path to happiness would soon be found.




well its better than my other poems..and it did take me a while to write so i hope it was at some point to some degree enjoyable. i would apreciate your feedback on my poem mean or nice but atleast back up your reason...thank you
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Old 04-9-2008, 08:18 PM   #2
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Default Re: im your puppet no longer

I'm really feeling the emotion in this one, but I think what you really need to convey your message is obvious: A murder curse.
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Old 04-9-2008, 08:28 PM   #3
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Default Re: im your puppet no longer

Murder curse really is the best way to get the anger and sadness out.
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Old 04-9-2008, 08:33 PM   #4
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Default Re: im your puppet no longer

Wait...she was sad her abusive boyfriend left her? Godamn that's retarded.

also needs more murder curse, baby
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Old 04-9-2008, 08:38 PM   #5
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Default Re: im your puppet no longer

Yeah, this poem needs more murder curse.
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Old 04-9-2008, 09:34 PM   #6
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Default Re: im your puppet no longer

I was hoping there might be some kind of murder curse near the end, but it just never happened.
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Old 04-9-2008, 11:27 PM   #7
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Default Re: im your puppet no longer

I think you guys have to see behind the lines, behind the words. This poem only screams one thing to me: Murder curse! Murder curse! Murder curse!
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Old 04-10-2008, 03:10 PM   #8
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Default Re: im your puppet no longer

Quote:
Originally Posted by CypherToorima View Post
Wait...she was sad her abusive boyfriend left her? Godamn that's retarded.

also needs more murder curse, baby

haha your a funny one.you thought the poem was reatrded? oh well maybe its becuase you did not understand my meaning.try reading it again and maybe you'll understand it better next time.if you dont then i can try to explain but its best figured out.

anyway to everyone else i apprecite the feedback and murder curse stuff...well i think theres quite enough in it.like the person below me said.you did not quite understand my meaning.read it again and it may become clearer but still thanks
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Old 04-10-2008, 03:28 PM   #9
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Default Re: im your puppet no longer

Quote:
It stung so much so she took pills to numb her soon.
Drowned, mutilated, and overdosed, her soul was soon set free.
Tortured no longer, in a better place. Heaven sent and heaven bound,
her path to happiness would soon be found.
I really think you should find another place to use "soon" in your last verse. It's just such a dynamic and strong word.
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Old 04-10-2008, 04:18 PM   #10
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Default Re: im your puppet no longer

Quote:
Originally Posted by chardish View Post
I really think you should find another place to use "soon" in your last verse. It's just such a dynamic and strong word.
You forgot the murder curse.
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Old 04-10-2008, 04:44 PM   #11
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Default Re: im your puppet no longer

I think it needs a little more murder curse, to tell you the truth.
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Old 04-10-2008, 04:50 PM   #12
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Default Re: im your puppet no longer

A nice piece, in my opinion. But, nothing special.

I feel it has more potential being a story.

Last edited by Zythus; 04-10-2008 at 05:00 PM..
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Old 04-10-2008, 07:14 PM   #13
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Default Re: im your puppet no longer

I found more emotion in my cat's litter box than this poem sorry
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Old 04-11-2008, 06:33 PM   #14
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Default Re: im your puppet no longer

Poetry is not,
Sentence fragments arranged in,
a silly way.

When will people ****ing learn,
that hitting the enter button,
in the middle of a sentence does not,
make a ****ing poem.
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Old 04-11-2008, 06:47 PM   #15
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Default Re: im your puppet no longer

Quote:
Originally Posted by Grandiagod View Post
Poetry is not,
Sentence fragments arranged in,
a silly way.

When will people ****ing learn,
that hitting the enter button,
in the middle of a sentence does not,
make a ****ing poem.
But
What about all those beautiful lines I wrote in this really nice poem
I
wrote. Seriously I don't
understand what you mean?
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Old 04-11-2008, 07:01 PM   #16
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Default Re: im your puppet no longer

She must be a William Shatner impersonator.
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Old 04-11-2008, 09:07 PM   #17
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Default Re: im your puppet no longer

what? and plus wth is your problem though.jeez.im only 14 i hope your not expecting me to be some fuxkin poetry genius or something.

while your complaing let me see you do bettter and then you can talk all the shxt you want but until then try to back up your arguements more better.

actuality it is a poem...i cant please everyone and i will always have critcs at that so i really could care less what you think about my poetry.if you dont like it then dont complain and go read something else.

also verruckter i really appreciate your help with the critics to.my poetry will never be perfect for others but i have quite a few that actually liked it to some extent so w/e
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Old 04-11-2008, 09:25 PM   #18
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Default Re: im your puppet no longer

Quote:
Originally Posted by imajrockette View Post
what? and plus wth is your problem though.jeez.im only 14 i hope your not expecting me to be some fuxkin poetry genius or something.
Saying "I'm only fourteen" as an excuse for mistakes which you have been given advice on already doesn't work, sorry.

Quote:
also verruckter i really appreciate your help with the critics to.my poetry will never be perfect for others but i have quite a few that actually liked it to some extent so w/e
lmfao you're oblivious
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Old 04-11-2008, 09:43 PM   #19
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Default Re: im your puppet no longer

One night in mid October,
I was tired of being sober,
I poured up a glass and got drunk off my ass as I imagined death of my wife.

As she sat in my room on my phone,
She realized she wasn't alone.
A short Irish man who wasn't too tan pulled a gun and threatened her life.

He asked for her goods,
My wife understood,
Yet her blood mixed with sand on the carpet.

True poetry.
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Old 04-12-2008, 02:54 AM   #20
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Default Re: im your puppet no longer

uh.
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