a poem i wrote in 15 mins for an interview

[kitkat9]

I wrote this for an interview for a writing school (I got accepted by the way) the gave me three different prompts and the one I chose was where I had to choose a word thaat they gave me and writie a poem about it...I choose silence
Hope you like it


Silence of embarrasment

No sound, not one word
The silence pierced the air
Like a dagger pierces flesh
The tension rises, the faces turn
The room begins to get warm
A face one face as red as flames
The face of misery, and embarrassment
A ear one ear hears nothing but the
Laughing within the minds of others
A never ending laughing that summons
Death amongst ones soul
A heart, one heart quickens as the blood
pulses through veins
Blood that is full of anger and revulsion
A human, one human faces a death where no
Other can feel the same
One human suffers through the death that can
only be called the silence of embarrassment

[Tokzic]

honestly i'm going to call out the whole "writing school" thing as dishonest nonsense because if they have any standards whatsoever they wouldn't have passed this

"Silence pierces the air like a dagger pierces flesh" is a ridiculous and unimaginative metaphor. The second you touch death, the heart, or blood as a vehicle, you'd better do it interestingly or you sound like a total amateur. Overall, no real feeling in this at all.

ps you misspelled embarrassment in the title

[All_That_Chaz]

Well, I also think that you're probably lying about using this to apply to some school simply due to the numerous spelling and grammatical errors. However there's no point to arguing this in this thread when it has nothing to do with the poem itself, so how about we just drop it?

1) The biggest problem is a lack of punctuation to help the reader breathe. You use enjambment with some of your lines (meaning the phrase wraps around to the next line) but with others you just expect the reader to take a breath without even so much as a comma. There are places that clearly need a period even just to finish a thought but you've left them out.

2) You're images are disconnected and abstract. I don't really see any connection between the subject matter of the poem and what you have constructed here. Your metaphors don't really make a lot of sense and you don't meet the reader halfway to show what they mean. You're just babbling to yourself.

3) Seriously, nobody is going to take your writing seriously if it's riddled with spelling and grammatical errors. There might be more than this. Editing is not my strong suit.
- Silence of embarrassment (spelling)
- The silence pierces the air (tense congruity)
- A face, one face... (phrases need separation)
- The face of misery and embarrassment (unnecessary comma)
- An ear, one ear... (A/An and another instance of phrases needing separation)
- Death inside one's soul. (amongst implies more than one and a missing apostrophe)

4) Your lines don't follow any sort of structure and really only serve to break the flow. It's hard to explain how to structure your lines when we're talking about free verse. I would say the only real way to get a good feel for it is to read tons and tons and tons of free verse to see how other poets do it. This isn't to say that you should copy what other poets have done, but that you could learn a lot from it.

It just seems to me like you have an idea in your head which might be a very good idea but you're having difficulty finding the right words or the right way to express it. My first bit of advice would be to take your time. Bragging about how little time it took to write a poem is a bit odd. For example, a poem that I'm somewhat proud of is something I spent about 6 hours on for the first draft, then similar amounts of time maybe once per week for a month or so until I had a final draft. And really that was a simple idea. Just take your time and write something that is less like a stream of consciousness and more like a poem.

[kitkat9]

First off...when i put this poem up i was on my cell phone (the G1) and it's kind of a pain in the neck to edit and all.
Second, i do appreciate the critiques, and i did use this to apply to a writing school, it is called NESA and it is within the Lee High School in San Antonio Texas, and i did infact get accepted. Chaz i do understand what you meant about the lines and all, it's just i did really like this poem and im not completely a rhythm kind of poet...

I can understand if you dont like it, that comes in the world, but i do appreciate the advice and i will try to the best of my ability to use it =)

[OrganisM]

FFR Lit will ****ing cut you.

...apparently. :\

hey take it this way, at least people see your stuff as worthwhile to comment on.

[All_That_Chaz]

Kiddo the argument over your truthfulness really doesn't interest me, as I said in my first post. And it isn't a matter of liking it or not. I try to approach poems in here as objectively as I can. I just hope that my modest talent can help people.

And organism, better writing is harder and more time-consuming to critique. Plus as writers get better and better, I find myself feeling less and less qualified to offer advice. It's a compliment more then anything . However, yeah, sure, I suppose I've been meaning to read your stuff but haven't for whatever reason. Get off my nuts =p.

[kitkat9]

I dont understand why i would get "cut" but i do understand what you mean Chaz and you may not know, but i am only 14 years old, and i really dont have anyone to help me with poetry...im more of a journalistic writer. I am the editor of my schools paper, and poetry is just something that i do in my spare time. This poem was just a prompt for a high school interview.

[All_That_Chaz]

Organism was being sarcastic. Some people can be a little harsh in their criticism, but most of them know what they're talking about. Strange that such good writers can't word criticism in nice ways. Maybe they just prefer not to put on the kid gloves.

And of course I didn't know how old you were because you didn't publicize your age until now. Frankly I judge all works the same way. I don't make concessions for younger users just because of their age. I mean I might add something like, "Good for your age," if I feel like I'm being too mean, but on the whole I treat all writers equally.

And you don't have to make excuses for yourself. Poetry is just a hobby for me, too. Nobody expects professional-grade writing in this forum. Just post what you're proud of, and we'll do what we can to help you out.

[Verruckter]

Originally Posted by All_That_Chaz

Kiddo the argument over your truthfulness really doesn't interest me, as I said in my first post. And it isn't a matter of liking it or not. I try to approach poems in here as objectively as I can. I just hope that my modest talent can help people.

You can't approach at objectively.

Also, what use is a writing school ? It'll just give you models to follow and it'll destroy your personal creativity.

Nobody expects professional-grade writing in this forum.

I'm not even sure how to express myself on this sentence...

[NFD]

This poem cuts into my mind like Jack Torrance's axe into the bathroom door.

[All_That_Chaz]

Originally Posted by Verruckter

You can't approach at objectively.

I said as objectively as I can. I really don't think I have any preconceived notions about the writing of newbies so I'm not really certain what you're on about.

Also, what use is a writing school ? It'll just give you models to follow and it'll destroy your personal creativity.

Presumably a writing school gives you the tools to further understand the art you're entering and maximize what you can do with your own creativity. If you allow your own skill to be destroyed by it then you probably weren't meant for writing school, anyway.

I'm not even sure how to express myself on this sentence...

What, do you expect Leaves of Grass every time you open a thread in Lit?

[Verruckter]

Originally Posted by All_That_Chaz

I said as objectively as I can. I really don't think I have any preconceived notions about the writing of newbies so I'm not really certain what you're on about.

No, I didn't mean you couldn't approach art objectively, I meant art couldn't be approached objectively at all. Art is 100% subjective and there are no objective criteria to put any notion of value on it. You can't objectively say something is better than something else.

Presumably a writing school gives you the tools to further understand the art you're entering and maximize what you can do with your own creativity. If you allow your own skill to be destroyed by it then you probably weren't meant for writing school, anyway.

My opinion is that you can't teach creation. You can teach technique, like playing piano or singing, but the act of creation, as in starting from barely nothing and manipulating words, notes or objects, cannot be taught without (unconsciously) altering the student's perception of that art. Learning in a school will most likely give you rigid guidelines as to what is "better" and what it "worse". Since there is no "best" or "worst" in art, it's rather absurd to teach you a certain form, no ?

What, do you expect Leaves of Grass every time you open a thread in Lit?

No all I meant is that it's kind of absurd to say that an artist that is "professional" is necessarily better because it doesn't really mean anything. I mean, heck, most "pro" poets you read stayed hungry their whole life.

You can't be good at art, it's just a matter of what appeals to you and what doesn't.

P.S. Sorry for ruining your thread.

[All_That_Chaz]

Originally Posted by Verruckter

No, I didn't mean you couldn't approach art objectively, I meant art couldn't be approached objectively at all. Art is 100% subjective and there are no objective criteria to put any notion of value on it. You can't objectively say something is better than something else.

The basic elements of poetry can be approached objectively. Spelling and grammar, punctuation, flow, etc. I'll try to figure out what they're trying to do and critique based on that. I'm not trying to sound like I'm an omniscient master of understanding, but most of the poems here are pretty transparent.

My opinion is that you can't teach creation. You can teach technique, like playing piano or singing, but the act of creation, as in starting from barely nothing and manipulating words, notes or objects, cannot be taught without (unconsciously) altering the student's perception of that art. Learning in a school will most likely give you rigid guidelines as to what is "better" and what it "worse". Since there is no "best" or "worst" in art, it's rather absurd to teach you a certain form, no ?

Well that's why I didn't major in writing. I don't like forcing the creative process and I felt that if I broke down poetry to the point where I would have to in order to study it, it would ruin writing as a hobby for me. However, I like to think that a small course on poetry hasn't damaged my perception of the art because I understand the difference between expression and getting an A in a class. I use what I learned. What I learned doesn't use me.

No all I meant is that it's kind of absurd to say that an artist that is "professional" is necessarily better because it doesn't really mean anything. I mean, heck, most "pro" poets you read stayed hungry their whole life.

You can't be good at art, it's just a matter of what appeals to you and what doesn't.

P.S. Sorry for ruining your thread.

Yeah, sue me, I think Walt Whitman is a better poet than I am. I'm not going to get into a what is art and what isn't argument. But you can't tell me that a meaningless poem with spelling errors, horrible flow, vapid images, and cliched metaphors is as good as, say, "The Road Not Taken."

And yeah we've gone dangerously off-topic. Why don't you find me on AIM or PM me or something if you want to discuss this further.

[Verruckter]

I added you on AIM

Also sorry if you felt attacked that really wasn't my intention.

[All_That_Chaz]

Not at all.

[kitkat9]

Whoa...
Personally I really liked both your views, it is all rather interesting since I do a lot of editorial writing for my schools paper. I hope that you wouldn't mind if I used it as a topic in a column or editorial.
And the thing about the writing schools, I side with Chaz I'm really getting into it, because well i can gain a more complete understanding, but not to completely demolish my own personal style in writing. Plus the school opens doors for college, you can't say that it would look bad on a resume to say that you got accepeted to a high school pertaining to skills and arts.
I'm sorry if this thread caused an arguement, that was never really my intent. I am just pleased to see that there are intellectuals on this site that can give a good critique, and have good reasoning behind what they have to say.
I am hoping to post other pieces and maybe I shall recieve somewhat of the same reaction (just on a more positive level I hope).

[All_That_Chaz]

Well of course you can use the topic for an editorial, but depending on your readership, the argument might get a little more heated than you'd like. Oh and it's not your fault the argument started. Don't worry about it.

And your future writings are welcome here. Keep writing.

[Verruckter]

Yes, do write some more ! Hopefully it can take a bigger place in your life (we'd all wish that :P)

[kitkat9]

lol for sure...
And Chaz i love the arguements that start up lots of talk...lol

[Phobia87]

There are many errors that should be fixed, which Chaz has already pointed most of that out, so I won't cover that.

I can see where you were going with this and I would like it more if it was put together a little better. The first time I read it, I couldn't really get the feeling of it because of the lack of flow, errors, etc. After reading it again, I can see some structure and it made a little more sense. I think if you could get a better flow by rewording and structuring your lines, it would be alot easier for the readers to understand.

I think you did well expressing embarrassment, and with some revising, it could be much better overall. I like the idea the subject is interesting to me, so I hope to see it again if you do a little work to it. ^^