poem a day

[moches]

today I fought with my mother (more accurately, my sister did and I watched from the sidelines in horror)...it makes me sad. how they can't ever communicate with each other because their ideas of what constitutes consideration and love and respect are completely different. and it makes me feel like a guilty piece of shit for not cleaning my room because that's what technically started this entire argument.

anyhoo.

clutter

first there was the doll you brought me
because it was soft
and its eyes reminded you of me
then there was the backpack
with the broken zipper
with nowhere to go but the landfill (so in it went)
then there were my drumsticks
the tips worn from years of nothing
but battering
and battering
and battering
and i don’t know what happened
and i never saw it coming
and i suspect neither did you
when you got up
and began picking at the motes of dust on the floor
and you began coughing up a storm
and you threw up the sheets in a fit of terror
or was it glee?
i tried to reach back but i lost you
behind the walls of the
shit we stacked for so long
piled into corners, boxes
every square inch of the closet
that we just threw stuff into
a black hole of suppressed bits and pieces
we never bothered to organize
and maybe you had to do this
and maybe it’s my fault
but it’s only when you raise your voice in a fearsome
ROAR
that i can see you again
when your voice has unraveled into a scratchy whisper

[moches]

I'm releasing a compilation of my best work soon

If there's anything you guys want to see in there, I'd love the feedback!

http://poem-per-day.tumblr.com/

[moches]

criticism PLZ

[moches]

just updating to say I just hit 20 followers

:')

[EzExZeRo7497]

You actually made a poem about shoes lmaooo

[moches]

you can write about ANYTHING

[axith]

Originally Posted by moches

criticism PLZ

It's really difficult to give criticism to free verse beyond, "I liked/didn't like it." Overall I like the poems. Lines that are twice as long as the next longest line in the poem bother me though, so I think you can break up the long line in counting sheep (removing the 'and'). I noticed a case that rewording would help how the poem flowed. It was something about 'looked over the edge of the glass'. I can't find the poem right now, so you probably edited it (or more likely, I'm blind). Any how, just changing it to something more simple like 'looked over the rim' would work fine as you had established the metaphor and the object you were talking about just a couple lines before that.

Criticism's difficult with free verse (also when you write well). I especially liked 'from the toilet seat'.

[moches]

thank you for your feedback! : ))

the poem with the "glass" is from July 28, imo. I just figured out how I can fix it thanks to you, so I did. you might be right about the lines; cutting "counting sheep" into three stanzas made it flow a lot better. I really think you pointed out my biggest issue, which is flow (maybe I just need to try actually reading the poems aloud before posting them?)

I appreciate that you took the time to read <3

[axith]

One thing you might think about is the meter in your free verse. I'm not talking making everything iambic, but paying attention to the stresses of the syllables. Reading out loud would help. Judging by your many music reviews (I check wasfuersohr daily), I'm sure you have the ear to figure out when something doesn't quite fit, such as a break in an individual line or an awkward wording. One major thing that separates poetry from prose is how it sounds aloud.

Regarding your edits, I had something more like this in mind for counting sheep:

"the people who have looked the other way
the people my soul weighs upon
the people whose souls weigh upon mine {you could drop the word 'upon' and just use 'on' here}
the people i have betrayed"

Didn't mean to say to break into anther stanza. I was quickly writing my post before going to work today so I wasn't to specific. I feel like you lose some momentum with stanza break. If you want to break it, I'd put the lines with similar ideas together, "others to me" against "me to others" or something similar. All these are suggestions. And I'd like to stress that point.

Your statement of a person being able to write about anything for poetry is true. Charles Bukowski has a poem about a computer processor (he then launches that into a really cynical statement about reliance on the computer). He also wrote however the hell he wanted and was a fairly successful recent poet. If you find something in your poems that you can't figure out a way to make "work" for you, just shoot me a pm. I'll try to help out.

Putting this in spoiler because I think it's cool, but doesn't really have a direct correlation with my post. You can take manipulating the sounds to the extreme. This poem by Robert Creeley, is kinda odd in the way the syllables are arranged (as well as how ambiguous the subjects of the ideas are). Just take a listen to the audio of Creeley reading the poem on the page.http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/171564

[moches]

Late response!

Yeah, I'm starting to read stuff out loud (the past few poems have all been read-outs). I dunno about the stanza break you suggested: I guess maybe it's a nice way to suggest the sorta hazy dream-state that poem takes place in, but I think breaking the two sections into separate stanzas makes for an interesting pause in the middle, like maybe a moment of clarity where everything you thought you know gets flipped on its head. Both are interesting, but when I look at the poem, I kind of prefer the way it is now. Interesting how one line break can change so much, though!

And yeah, that poem is positively baffling. What an interesting read, too. I appreciate the find!

PS. Bukowski is one of my favorite poets.

[moches]

today's poem comes from an argument. tried to work in some of the meter and rhythm comments axith mentioned.

i love you

i love you, you cried
as you dragged me away
i can’t see you hurt, dear
i won’t let you stray

i love you, you cooed
as you rocked me to sleep
hush hush, little baby
your soul’s mine to keep

i love you, you screamed
hurling words in outrage
how'd did you grow out of
this snug little cage

i love you
you whisper
voice fading away
it hurts on my own
please
i need you to stay