Old 12-20-2010, 11:36 PM   #1
kitkat9
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Default Poem: Rythmic

This is a poem I wrote about an instrumental guitar player I saw in August. Hope you all like it.

Rythmic
by Katrina D.

Masculine fingers dance across chords
stringing each note along the wall
leaving each phrase in my mouth
letting me chew on self generated meanings.
Elongated notes tickle my ears, caress my thoughts.
The strokes of your hand are gentle,
you hug the guitar close to your body
creating melodies leaving me speechless.

Your wordless tune manifests images in my head
helping me create a poem
of passion, an unknown reality
in which you alone live.
Your song, rhythmic and sweet,
giving me a gateway to creativity,
inspiration that comes from beauty in the unlikely.
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Old 12-20-2010, 11:53 PM   #2
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Default Re: Poem: Rythmic

I liked how you personified the music and related it to the musician's actions. The first stanza is alright.

The second one, I feel, could use a rewrite. You're breaking the fourth wall telling people you're creating a poem. This can work if you delve deeper into the meaning of creativity being spurned by creativity. What do you mean by "an unknown reality?" Describe the world you're creating. Your enjambment doesn't really seem to serve any purpose here, either. I don't understand your use of the word "unlikely" at the end. Maybe it's really meaningful and if so I'd love to hear about it. Expand on the idea.

This is a good first draft of a stream of consciousness poem. The second stanza could use some fixing up and overall it could just use more description.

Thank you for sharing and keep writing
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Old 12-20-2010, 11:57 PM   #3
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Default Re: Poem: Rythmic

Honestly, this poem isn't my cup of tea.

And I don't know if the title is intentionally misspelled or not, but it isn't serving any real purpose to spell it that way
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Old 12-21-2010, 11:56 AM   #4
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Default Re: Poem: Rythmic

Chaz, I understand what you mean, and when I say and "unknown reality" have you ever seen someone get really deep into the music? It's very passionate, between the person and the instrument, they loose sense of what is around them. I saw this guy do that, he was gone, went to someplace completely different, it was beautiful. About "unlikely", I never thought I would be inspired to write about a musician. It was something unlikely to me, because I normally tell fiction stories through my poetry.

Reincarate, thanks for pointing that out, a complete typo, didn't even realize it. Sorry :/. Is that the only thing that makes it not "your cup of tea"?
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Old 12-21-2010, 12:08 PM   #5
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Default Re: Poem: Rythmic

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Chaz, I understand what you mean, and when I say and "unknown reality" have you ever seen someone get really deep into the music? It's very passionate, between the person and the instrument, they loose sense of what is around them. I saw this guy do that, he was gone, went to someplace completely different, it was beautiful. About "unlikely", I never thought I would be inspired to write about a musician. It was something unlikely to me, because I normally tell fiction stories through my poetry.
Both of these ideas merit expanding upon. Show people what you're thinking about. Take them through the world you saw him escape to. Show them how music captivated you and opened your eyes to new expression.
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Old 12-21-2010, 12:15 PM   #6
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Default Re: Poem: Rythmic

Ok, yeah, I'll try it out. Thank you
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Old 12-21-2010, 12:29 PM   #7
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Reincarate, thanks for pointing that out, a complete typo, didn't even realize it. Sorry :/. Is that the only thing that makes it not "your cup of tea"?
I prefer poems that make me see something in a new way, or describe something in a way that stimulates my senses.
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Old 12-21-2010, 12:40 PM   #8
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Default Re: Poem: Rythmic

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I prefer poems that make me see something in a new way, or describe something in a way that stimulates my senses.
Gotcha, well thats cool. I like stuff like that, I just don't often write it.
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Old 12-21-2010, 06:23 PM   #9
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Default Re: Poem: Rythmic

i really really appreciate you looking at my **** (considering how (relatively) long they both were) so returning the favor!

anyways, i really liked this, but anything i could say about it is eerily similar to all_that_chaz. i think the second stanza could go really deep. you probably know from my writing that i like really abstract, impressionistic stuff, and i think that you could really dig into what the music really makes you feel and all that. still, great work! lots of nice imagery.
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Old 12-22-2010, 02:57 PM   #10
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Default Re: Poem: Rythmic

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i really really appreciate you looking at my **** (considering how (relatively) long they both were) so returning the favor!
Haha thanks, I really didn't mind reading them, they were both very nice and you're an exceptional writer. Thanks for the feedback!
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Old 01-31-2011, 05:54 PM   #11
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Default Re: Poem: Rythmic

Some poems just have power behind them that move people...wow this moved me. Its so beautifully written that I just feel light-headed from reading it. Thank you. Poetry is one of the few things that always makes me happy. Your's just made my day. ^^
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