Poem. Suggestions for title and improvement?

**NeonSM** · 05-6-2015, 08:58 PM

It was a place that I once knew:
temperate fields of diurnal dew!
A land that murmured spectral songs,
that once had enthralled hoards and throngs.
I felt the essence of the place,
where all but one soul was displaced.
The temporal signs of sunny May
came streaming through a never-ending day,
and miles deep I heard her say:
miles deep I heard her say--
An instantaneous night had then appeared!
From day to night, I felt her near!
She stepped from a spot of enigmatic brume,
a visage you have never seen,
here against a tumultuous moon!
Her floating eyes, they led the way,
standing like Artemis, I heard her say--nothing .
She was my metaphysical guide,
leading me to come to find,
the cosmic boundaries of my life;
the energy flowing that was rife--
And she needn't say a word to show,
the ways that which the rivers flow.

**tipsis** · 05-6-2015, 09:30 PM

plot twisting tittle: "My first rape"

**NeonSM** · 05-6-2015, 09:33 PM

+1 post

**NeonSM** · 05-10-2015, 09:58 AM

Edited OP. Take a look.

**tipsis** · 05-10-2015, 01:09 PM

Your poem sucks

**NeonSM** · 05-10-2015, 01:20 PM

**tipsis** · 05-10-2015, 01:21 PM

Masha - kakasha

**NeonSM** · 05-10-2015, 01:25 PM

So, you can sound out Russian?

**tipsis** · 05-10-2015, 01:26 PM

Also I can fuck your russian girlfriend.

**NeonSM** · 05-10-2015, 01:27 PM

I have to admit, I like your sense of humor.

**tipsis** · 05-10-2015, 01:30 PM

It was not intended as a joke

**NeonSM** · 05-10-2015, 01:32 PM

Well, your existence is a joke. Considering every other one of your posts have nothing to do with the thread and are merely feeble, yet somehow humorous, grabs for attention.

**tipsis** · 05-10-2015, 01:34 PM

Why do you insult me bro? I got feelz u know?

Lightknight924 · 05-19-2015, 11:50 PM

'The ways that which the rivers flow" could be a nice title. That, or 'LSD.'

**Red Blaster** · 05-20-2015, 12:14 AM

Wow..I never understood the whole "randomly be a massive dick to everybody so I can fulfill my postcount" thing that goes on here.

I like the poem so fuck that douche.
"Her" kinda sprung to mind as a title, I know it's pretty cliché but..yeah.

**FF_rules** · 05-20-2015, 04:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NeonSM

and miles deep I heard her say:
leagues apart I knew her dismay--

Repeating the same line kills it imo, though it's your standard 1-2 ending rhyme. Maybe you could spice it up with the starting few words too.

05-6-2015, 08:58 PM	#1
NeonSM Я тебя люблю Маша Join Date: Jan 2014 Posts: 571	Poem. Suggestions for title and improvement? It was a place that I once knew: temperate fields of diurnal dew! A land that murmured spectral songs, that once had enthralled hoards and throngs. I felt the essence of the place, where all but one soul was displaced. The temporal signs of sunny May came streaming through a never-ending day, and miles deep I heard her say: miles deep I heard her say-- An instantaneous night had then appeared! From day to night, I felt her near! She stepped from a spot of enigmatic brume, a visage you have never seen, here against a tumultuous moon! Her floating eyes, they led the way, standing like Artemis, I heard her say--nothing . She was my metaphysical guide, leading me to come to find, the cosmic boundaries of my life; the energy flowing that was rife-- And she needn't say a word to show, the ways that which the rivers flow. Last edited by NeonSM; 05-10-2015 at 09:57 AM..

05-6-2015, 09:30 PM	#2
tipsis FFR Veteran Join Date: Dec 2011 Posts: 9	Re: Poem. Suggestions for title and improvement? plot twisting tittle: "My first rape"

05-6-2015, 09:33 PM	#3
NeonSM Я тебя люблю Маша Join Date: Jan 2014 Posts: 571	Re: Poem. Suggestions for title and improvement? +1 post

05-10-2015, 09:58 AM	#4
NeonSM Я тебя люблю Маша Join Date: Jan 2014 Posts: 571	Re: Poem. Suggestions for title and improvement? Edited OP. Take a look.

05-10-2015, 01:09 PM	#5
tipsis FFR Veteran Join Date: Dec 2011 Posts: 9	Re: Poem. Suggestions for title and improvement? Your poem sucks

05-10-2015, 01:20 PM	#6
NeonSM Я тебя люблю Маша Join Date: Jan 2014 Posts: 571	Re: Poem. Suggestions for title and improvement? <3

05-10-2015, 01:21 PM	#7
tipsis FFR Veteran Join Date: Dec 2011 Posts: 9	Re: Poem. Suggestions for title and improvement? Masha - kakasha

05-10-2015, 01:25 PM	#8
NeonSM Я тебя люблю Маша Join Date: Jan 2014 Posts: 571	Re: Poem. Suggestions for title and improvement? So, you can sound out Russian?

05-10-2015, 01:26 PM	#9
tipsis FFR Veteran Join Date: Dec 2011 Posts: 9	Re: Poem. Suggestions for title and improvement? Also I can fuck your russian girlfriend.

05-10-2015, 01:27 PM	#10
NeonSM Я тебя люблю Маша Join Date: Jan 2014 Posts: 571	Re: Poem. Suggestions for title and improvement? I have to admit, I like your sense of humor.

05-10-2015, 01:30 PM	#11
tipsis FFR Veteran Join Date: Dec 2011 Posts: 9	Re: Poem. Suggestions for title and improvement? It was not intended as a joke

05-10-2015, 01:32 PM	#12
NeonSM Я тебя люблю Маша Join Date: Jan 2014 Posts: 571	Re: Poem. Suggestions for title and improvement? Well, your existence is a joke. Considering every other one of your posts have nothing to do with the thread and are merely feeble, yet somehow humorous, grabs for attention.

05-10-2015, 01:34 PM	#13
tipsis FFR Veteran Join Date: Dec 2011 Posts: 9	Re: Poem. Suggestions for title and improvement? Why do you insult me bro? I got feelz u know?

05-19-2015, 11:50 PM	#14
Lightknight924 FFR Player Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: New York Age: 31 Posts: 1,164	Re: Poem. Suggestions for title and improvement? 'The ways that which the rivers flow" could be a nice title. That, or 'LSD.'

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