Old 04-23-2012, 05:37 PM   #1
robertsona
missa in h-moll
FFR Simfile Author
 
robertsona's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: nyc
Age: 28
Posts: 3,994
Default norwalk, 2009

A woman wearing a pink sweater and a skirt with pink flowers on it hoists herself onto a table and begins speaking in a shaky voice. The employees of the Norwalk, California In-N-Out Burger look very confused--one of them calmly tells their frustrated Drive-Thru customer to Please hold on and that There seems to be a problem--but they nonetheless listen, intrigued, to her story. She talks about how she used to be addicted to drugs (Like really bad ones, she stresses) and how bad things got for her, and how she had to start stealing things from both friends and total strangers to support her habit financially. She talks about how she hit her all-time low when, in a fit of intense withdrawal, she sold her dog, a big and beautiful Basset Hound named Tammy who she loved very much and who she would never have intentionally tried to harm, ever. She says she sold Tammy to her dealer who she knew to be very violent and impulsive and that she hated herself for selling Tammy to him and that she still hasn’t fully forgiven herself for it. She lets out a yelp of intense pain and stands there, on the table, in silence for a few seconds before continuing with her story. She says that, a few days after selling her dog, she took an extremely dangerous amount of drugs and went outside into the city and walked around for a few hours, wallowing in hatred and denial and hallucinating a lot and feeling like she was going to die. She starts to cry here and then says that she walked down an alleyway to look for her dealer and instead found Tammy, her beloved Basset Hound, dead on the ground next to a dumpster with her leg severed. She describes in detail how the leg-less hip of the dog looked, how it had tendons and ligaments sticking out and how the blood had crusted over and turned a sickly violet, and how she, upon seeing the dog, crumpled pathetically to the floor and hugged the dog’s dead body close to her and lay there for twelve hours before the police came to pick her up. She pauses here and then looks down at the table on which she is standing and says Thank you and then the employees and customers at the In-N-Out all begin to clap. She steps off the table and onto the floor and then sits down and finishes her burger and fries.
robertsona is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-24-2012, 06:06 PM   #2
robertsona
missa in h-moll
FFR Simfile Author
 
robertsona's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: nyc
Age: 28
Posts: 3,994
Default Re: norwalk, 2009

reply or whatever!
robertsona is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-24-2012, 06:22 PM   #3
JiZ53
Banned
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: your house
Posts: 31
Default Re: norwalk, 2009

The applause kinda ruined the story for me, but its your story so I really have no say.
JiZ53 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-24-2012, 06:24 PM   #4
robertsona
missa in h-moll
FFR Simfile Author
 
robertsona's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: nyc
Age: 28
Posts: 3,994
Default Re: norwalk, 2009

how so, out of curiosity
robertsona is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-24-2012, 07:02 PM   #5
JiZ53
Banned
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: your house
Posts: 31
Default Re: norwalk, 2009

It seemed cheesy and out of place to me.

Last edited by JiZ53; 04-24-2012 at 07:13 PM..
JiZ53 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-25-2012, 08:24 AM   #6
Arntonach
Owlbears Rock!
 
Arntonach's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: The coldest place in hell
Age: 33
Posts: 2,492
Default Re: norwalk, 2009

I think it would have been better if you wrote what she said as to summarizing; it would give it more depth and would make it less winded in its deliverance. Also, the intro is grating, since you spent more time writing about how everyone's paying attention rather than what's going on, which subtracted from the mood of the diner. It doesn't help that the story could have been good just by removing the whole diner setting; it felt tacked on and unnecessary.

Finaly, it's a wall of text. Add some indentation and paragraph spacing to make it look more approachable.
Arntonach is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-25-2012, 12:19 PM   #7
EnigmaticSingularity
FFR Player
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 35
Default Re: norwalk, 2009

In n out diners don't stop unless shots are being fired. This killed the story and made it feel fake
EnigmaticSingularity is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-25-2012, 12:20 PM   #8
EnigmaticSingularity
FFR Player
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 35
Default Re: norwalk, 2009

Also I use to live in nor walk California and there are no alleys
EnigmaticSingularity is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-25-2012, 12:22 PM   #9
Choofers
FFR Player
FFR Music Producer
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Age: 33
Posts: 6,205
Default Re: norwalk, 2009

9/10 I enjoyed the run on sentences and the story as a whole but it was never noted if she was eating animal style fries
__________________
Choofers is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-28-2012, 08:35 PM   #10
robertsona
missa in h-moll
FFR Simfile Author
 
robertsona's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: nyc
Age: 28
Posts: 3,994
Default Re: norwalk, 2009

Quote:
Originally Posted by EnigmaticSingularity View Post
Also I use to live in nor walk California and there are no alleys
well i mean

her story doesnt necessarily take place there
robertsona is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-9-2012, 10:15 PM   #11
Hazelle
Let's GO.
FFR Veteran
 
Hazelle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 515
Send a message via Skype™ to Hazelle
Default Re: norwalk, 2009

It seems a bit random - why did she announce this to a burger joint? It seems like she was just eating her fries and decided to tell everyone of her past. There's a little bit of work with basic sentence structure and grammar, but overall I was intrigued. Poor thing about the dog though =( Even though it sucked, I'm really glad you included that. Makes the story a little more...mm...I dunno the word, but it's really great
Hazelle is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 06:04 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.1
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright FlashFlashRevolution