Newer Poem

[andy-o24]

I wrote this about 4 days ago from sheer boredom. I've only had 2 people read it so far and they both thought it was alright. I figured, I'd let the people of FFR tell me what they think.

I'm a Friend

I'm the friend you wished you had
the one who rarely gets too mad
the one you look at when you're sad
and hope you never look that bad.

I'm the friend who stays until the end
the one who's mind you'll never bend
the one that doesn't follow trend
but always wants you to pretend.

Pretend that I'm not only here
to be the sollice for your fears
that sometime within many years
I'll become something through my tears.

I'm the friend who's sitting there
arm 'round your shoulder when you're scared
I'm the one you know will always care
when you're hearts broken, soul is teared

I'm the friend you wished you had
the who's there through good and bad
the one you can call when you're mad
and know he'll come with open hands.

I'm that friend.
The only trend.
Learn to look beyond my skin.
And look beyond and look within.

[Tokzic]

Rhyme is your death here. Not only did you do it horribly, but you chose rhyme in favour of coherancy. Some lines are completely irrelevant (e.g. the one who's mind you'll never bend), some sound utterly stupid (e.g. the entire first stanza) and others make no sense whatsoever (e.g. "I'll become something through my tears.") just because you wanted to make it rhyme. Sometimes you don't rhyme at all, and other times just do it inconstistantly. You also ditch rhythm in favour of rhyme, which would be fine if you attempted enjambment, but you didn't.

The idea itself is really poorly executed. Repetition is great when you're writing a song, but not every poem ever. Grammar errors about, especially at line breaks.

[mead1]

Everything that tokzic said.

Also, the word is "solace" not "sollice"

Also, the word is "your" not "you're"

Also, the word is "heart's" not "hearts"

Also, the word is "torn" not "teared"

And you probably want to replace "wished" with "wish" in every case, since "wished" is past tense, and none of the rest of the poem is.

Grammar rules can be broken in favor of creativity, but this poem isn't creative or even remotely well-executed, so the terrible grammar just makes it look more ridiculous.

[All_That_Chaz]

The aaaa bbbb cccc etc rhyme scheme always sounds sappy, especially when you don't enjamb and rhyme words all of a second grade or lower vocabulary. If you're going to use quatrains, try to stick to a rhythm scheme. The tried and true scheme is interlaced iambic tetrameter and iambic trimeter rhymed abab or abxb followed by cdcd or cdxd and so forth.