01-26-2013, 04:56 AM | #1 |
Zageron E. Tazaterra
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Zageron's Scene to Short Story Adaptations
For Renevatia: Arrivals ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last edited by Zageron; 02-3-2013 at 01:32 AM.. Reason: Corrected a typo I spotted while reading through andy's analysis |
01-26-2013, 10:33 PM | #2 | |||||||||||||||||
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Re: For Renevatia: Arrivals
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Character Development Considering that, I think you have done a good job in terms of character development, even in a piece as short as this. Quote:
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Environment I'm not going to quote the whole first three paragraphs where you talk of the environment, but considering the concept art, you seem to hit the main points in the picture. You talk of streams and plains and waterfalls. You even mention the weather which is pretty cool for a fictional environment. Your mention of the "barren wasteland" gives insight to the environment the character has traveled through to make it here and what lies beyond the concept art. I guess the mountains are what looks like a floating city to me there in the background, but that's interpretation and writers liberty, so no issue there. Character's Past Herein lies the majority of the mystique of your character. Quote:
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Final Thoughts Sorry about this block of text, I thought I would put my thoughts on paper for you. For what you are trying to do here, or at least what I think you are trying to do here, you do so effectively. You definitely build a character that has a cryptic past and is unique in more than one way. If you want to address any of the questions in my analysis, go right ahead. I can come back with more if you wish. Overall, though, I think you've done a very nice job especially in only an hour and a half. -o24
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Last edited by Zageron; 01-29-2013 at 01:21 AM.. Reason: Typos realized when quoted. |
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01-26-2013, 11:45 PM | #3 | |||||||||||||||||
Zageron E. Tazaterra
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Re: For Renevatia: Arrivals
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Thank you very much for this reply, I have taken a lot from it! Cheers, Last edited by Zageron; 01-29-2013 at 01:21 AM.. |
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01-27-2013, 12:04 AM | #4 | |
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Re: For Renevatia: Arrivals
You answered all of my questions adequately. I know you don't want to give too much away if you consider writing more, which I would love to see. I'm glad this was helpful for you. Not the most constructive criticism, per se, but something to think about for sure.
-o24
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Last edited by Zageron; 01-29-2013 at 01:21 AM.. |
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01-28-2013, 03:07 AM | #5 |
Zageron E. Tazaterra
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Another one for Renevatia: Moon
Another one for Renevatia: Moon I had to hurry if I was to make it on time. The chapel was at the dead centre of the city, and I was dead not even close to the outer walls yet. My escapade with the lake brownies had pushed the evening off the deep end, and high lunarus was about to follow the same path. So many were the etiquettes of these brownies that simply getting any of them to say a single word would be considered a monstrous waste of time. Lucky for me the first words that came out of their little mouths was exactly what I wanted to here. I've definitely lost at least some favour of all sprites since I most definitely barged out of the glade without any more grace than my behind could offer. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Careful not to kill myself, I opened myself to accept the tiniest sliver of the lunar light being reflected from the ground. An immense surge of satiation flooded through my entire existence immediately, and feeling the top of the world I quickly cut the inflow. Last edited by Zageron; 01-30-2013 at 07:14 PM.. |
01-30-2013, 06:18 PM | #6 | |
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Re: Zageron's Scene to Short Story Adaptations
This won't be as in-depth (hopefully), but will still cover some of the cool stuff. This will be my thoughts on paper, more or less. I saw you had a random thought that said the stories weren't connected, but I'm pretty sure it's safe to assume this is the same character. Given that assumption, let's begin.
The "brownies." Sprites? Or a people? "Lost at least some favour of all sprites" makes me think sprites. Second reading, I like this bit. "No one would notice, no one is watching me." Paralleled with both the dog and the guy on the bench. "Skimmed over the ground" made me think he was floating. That was shot down when you used "Still running, mind you." Paragraph four shows signs of enhanced senses. Especially sight. "I leaped softly on to a nearby roof." That's inhuman. So, more special powers for this guy. "A small pang of loneliness quickly quelled, but I do remember it." Replaced common food/drink for moonlight? Nevermind, he ate in Arrivals. "My feet gradually found a grip on the vertical surface of the tower." If I'm envisioning this correctly, our character is defying gravity. That's not common. Nit-picky, but same sentence, kneed should be knees? Paragraph eleven. Few things. Firstly "palpable particles." Alliteration used for a greater purpose? Next, I'm a little confused about the void, but he's magical, so that's alright. And the last sentence just sounds a little wonky, I don't know. "Feeling the top of the world." Correct phrasing there? Or did you want 'Feeling on top of the world?' Next bit seems like moonlight not only powers our character but can help heal the earth. Pretty special stuff. I like that theme, you can do a lot with it. Only thing is, I didn't immediately connect the mountain billowing smoke with a volcano. The tl;dr helped there, so I thank you for that. There's the dude on the bench as I mentioned earlier. The gestures are mysterious, as I'm sure you intended. Maybe this guy on the bench is another person like our protagonist. Finally, some more nit-picky things. (I could have sworn I had more than one...) "My perception of time slowed as I build up my concentration." Slowed is past tense, build is present. I know this isn't edited, and maybe I'm wrong, but shouldn't a piece be consistent in it's tenses? Anyway, there you go. It's something to think about if nothing else. Happy birthday, Zag. : ) -o24
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01-30-2013, 07:06 PM | #7 | ||||||||||||||
Zageron E. Tazaterra
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Re: Zageron's Scene to Short Story Adaptations
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01-30-2013, 07:23 PM | #8 | ||
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Re: Zageron's Scene to Short Story Adaptations
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And no problem, man. I wouldn't want to get rusty with analysis. Might come in handy one of these days. Keep the works coming. -o24
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01-30-2013, 11:15 PM | #9 |
Zageron E. Tazaterra
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For Andy: Arbitration
Walking sideways down the path to love. Twisting up to find light, don't miss the flight right through the double heart, masked in the dark. Left in the gray plane, hold the ring Here the heart is up side, down in the sky the sun is, sideways down the path to, hold the ring. Hold the ring, feed the wasp queen of hearts, next to the cloud. Follow the skyline. tl;dr **** if i know Thank you, again, for reading! Please comment! Written in 20-30 minutes. Last edited by Zageron; 01-30-2013 at 11:17 PM.. |
02-3-2013, 01:30 AM | #10 |
Zageron E. Tazaterra
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For Crazyjayde: The Crowd
For Crazyjayde: The Crowd ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last edited by Zageron; 02-3-2013 at 01:47 AM.. |
02-3-2013, 02:53 AM | #11 |
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Re: Zageron's Scene to Short Story Adaptations
Wow these are really interesting and well written Nice work! It makes me want to try and see if I can come up with anything for you to use for writing but sadly most of the stuff I draw is abstract shapes in sharpie/anime/people+animal portraits
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02-4-2013, 12:32 AM | #12 |
Zageron E. Tazaterra
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Re: Zageron's Scene to Short Story Adaptations
Thank you very much Sweet Angel! I try my best.
I'm hoping to get a lot more paintings and drawing so I can try writing all sorts of things. |
02-23-2013, 07:41 PM | #13 |
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Re: Zageron's Scene to Short Story Adaptations
"hot word porn xxx hentai fanfic" - Zageron @ Saturday February 23rd 2013 5:38 PST in Prochat.
This looks interesting. I'll have to take a read when I have time. |
08-23-2013, 02:07 AM | #14 |
Zageron E. Tazaterra
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Re: Zageron's Scene to Short Story Adaptations
If anyone has any further interest in creating source images for me, please feel free.
http://www.flashflashrevolution.com/...d.php?t=128783 |
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