Some of the Poems I've Posted

[OnixRose]

I've been posting poetry to a site, but I've received only one instance of constructive criticism. Feel free to read and comment (here) on any of them that you feel like reading. I would like to suggest reading "In Preparation, "Sister of Moonlight," or "For You" first, at least those are the few that I would most like criticism on. I would also like to mention that I greatly enjoy the Romantics, and use their work as my models for my own. Thanks in advance, I'll try to reply to any crits made in this thread:

http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems-by/Niflheim/

[OnixRose]

Shameless self bump

[Cavernio]

Poetry's not my thing. I haven't written any in ten years, I often don't like it, and I certainly have no way of making it better. Just why I haven't said anything.

I think poetry's a lot more subjective than other forms of writing anyways, criticism of it seems kinda pointless. Either the person who wrote it is happy with the art they've created or not, and the reader either likes or they don't. It feels wrong to to edit poetry or make suggestions.

[Pandai]

I liked "In Preparation" , your imagery was absolutely incredible, you certainly painted a picture in my mind almost similar to Halloween ( :P ) and any horror movie I have watched, very very good writing :c !! I write poetry myself but this .. is way out of my league, you should consider publishing.

[dore]

Your imagery is pretty solid. One thing that will help is to work on grammar, because it feels like some of your punctuation kills the flow. For example, in "For You"

The song I will sing for you will be a dignified concerto;
Should my voice remain orotund and deep.
Take heart, if I am unable to speak
The words shall rip themselves from my breast,
And, surging like plasma, jolted in ink,
Lend themselves to the cosmos of the pen.

Just looking at it in prose form, 'The song I will sing for you will be a dignified concerto;
Should my voice remain orotund and deep.' doesn't really make sense with the semicolon. 'Should my voice remain orotund and deep' can't stand as a sentence on its own, so the first line needs to connect to it with a comma instead of separate with a semicolon.

The next sentence 'Take heart, if I am unable to speak the words shall rip themselves from my breast, and, surging like plasma, jolted in ink, lend themselves to the cosmos of the pen.'

I would punctuate it as:

Take heart, if I am unable to speak. [or] Take heart! If I am unable to speak, (where the comma sorta works like saying if, then)
The words shall rip themselves from my breast,
And -- surging like plasma, jolted in ink --
Lend themselves to the cosmos of the pen.

It seems like if you were saying that aloud, you would either naturally put a gap after speak, because 'if I am unable to speak' naturally connects to either the clause before or after it, but the way you have it originally sorta connects it to both and makes it flow less easily.

I also used dashes instead of commas around 'surging like plasma, jolted in ink' because there were tons of commas right there and it felt like it need to be more of an interrupting phrase instead of connected to the others.

Another stanza that I noticed a similar problem was

Pigments swirl as the stroke of the clouds pattern the air.
A cherished view nurtured in the cradle of day
Enrapturing each and everyone in its sanctity.

The only predicate is in the first line, with the second and third line just fragments. While you don't necessarily need perfect grammar in poetry, it can make things read better. Simply turning the period into a colon in the first line connects the second and third lines to the image of the cloud pattern instead of standing on their own, and also makes it more grammatically sound.

Pigments swirl as the stroke of the clouds pattern the air:
A cherished view nurtured in the cradle of day
Enrapturing each and everyone in its sanctity.

Like I said before, I really enjoyed the imagery in this poem, just be more careful with your punctuation, because that really can affect the way someone reads and interprets the poem. Make it so that the punctuation effectively and grammatically allows the reader the intent of your words. There is naturally something lost from turning an idea into words, because there is never enough words to explain the full context and complexity of an idea. The punctuation is how you can communicate just a little more of the idea you're trying to describe.