Zapmeister presents: Deal Or No Deal

[Riotpolice]

Originally Posted by Tim Allen

boring
shoulda gone for it

I think I said it better:

Originally Posted by Riotpolice

omg preggers get f*cked up the butt big time.

:P

[Tim Allen]

Originally Posted by Riotpolice

:P

gay ur gay reported

[Zapmeister]

At the deal, theme tune music played and the Banker started half-heartedly clapping.

"Alright. Now, this is the proveout round. What that means is you have to keep playing on as you would have done if you'd said no deal."

"Mm-hmm."

Suddenly a look of pure astonishment and terror filled Riotpolice's face. All of this was just too much for him to take in, that although he'd safely secured 28000 ffr credits, which was more than he could have ever hoped for, he had more pressing issues on his hands. He had just realised that the floor had started tilting. The end where the audience used to be sitting was now lower than the other end by a fair bit. The fruit on the floor had started sliding downwards to that end. Also, water was slowly seeping through the staircase at the back. Most disturbingly, the screen on the ship's navigator read

oh dear it looks like you hit an iceberg
this ship is going down in like 10 or 15 minutes or somethign

"I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!" Riotpolice yelled.

"What, that the word 'something' is spelt wrong on the screen? Yeah I can't believe it too."

"No I mean it says THIS SHIP IS GOING DOWN. Can't you see?" Riotpolice was visibly panicking.

"I ...... oh." The Banker looked far too nonchalant for this situation. Riotpolice considered the possibility that he was overreacting. He rejected it. "AM I GOING TO FUCKING DROWN OR SOMETHING?"

The Banker was completely speechless as if the shock of the ship going down hadn't even hit him yet.

6 - 5,000 credits - "Yay," the Banker says. "You were too scared to go because you think you'd hit the big too, huh? THBBBPPT."

"I'm more scared about this ship going down right now. Get me out of here!"

"Fair enough."

8 - 10,000 credits - "Ha ha!" "Oh shut up!" "Well at least that's ONE good side effect of all the audience leaving, right? Else everybody would be laughing at you right now." Pause. "I take your point."

11 - 10 credits - "Ha ha ha Ha HA HA HAH AH AHA HA HAH Ah ha HA HA HAAAAAAARRGGH!" The Banker slips on the slippery orange peel and juice covering the high end of the floor and splashes into the sizable pool of water that had formed over the side where the audience were sitting. SPLASH! Riotpolice had no idea whether to laugh at his predicament or groan at his taking out three smallish amounts or scream and flee up the ladder to the ship deck.

Your board:


He screamed and went for the ladder.

"Fuck me this water's cold!" the Banker screamed. "Hey where are you going?"

"I'm going up to deck. I've had enough in this shitty slowly sinking studio and I want to leave this place alive with my 28,000 credits."

Riotpolice climbed the ladder and went up onto the deck. It was still pitch black. Strange, it's not normally this dark so late in the morning. Well, it wasn't even 7am yet, and more importantly, while drifting in the mid-Atlantic he didn't know what timezone to set his watch to. There was no moon in the sky - a cloudy night. Fortunately, he had a barely working torch. He examined his surroundings carefully looking for any sign of either human life or a lifeboat or something.

A few terrifying minutes later he noticed the Banker climb up the ladder carrying five boxes in his arms.

"You fucker, not helping me with these boxes," the Banker scornfully groaned at him. "I hate you."

"Ok enough with this needless chit chat. How the hell do we get out of this sinking ship alive?"

The Banker looked around the deck, apparently searching for some lifeboats.

"THOSE FUCKERS!"

"What?"

"I had some lifeboats up here RIGHT HERE. The only feasible explanation for why they aren't here is THAT AUDIENCE MUST HAVE TAKEN THE LIFEBOATS AWAY WITH THEM. FUCK THEM."

Riotpolice was seriously scared. "HOW THE HELL DO I GET OUT OF HERE ALIVE?"

"Uh... I'm as clueless as you. Can you walk on water?"

Riotpolice was very strongly suspicious of the laid-back attitude of the Banker here, but he had more pressing concerns.

" 'Cause I've heard it all before
And I'm walking on water now!
Whoa, I don't have to be afraid of this sinking ship
And that's good to know..."

"STOP SINGING FFR SONGS AND GET ME OUT OF HERE!"

"Why the panic? What's wrong? You're never going to get anything done if you keep panicking. Just calm down. And by the way, your offer would have been --- AAAGH! GET OUT OF THE WAY! POSTBOX!"

Both of them dived for cover behind a door as what appeared to be a massive chunk of cheddar cheese rolled right past them down the deck.

"I'm 75% sure that was cheese," Riotpolice remarked.

"Oh whatever. Cheese, postbox, they're all the same thing. We'll see about that when the postboxes come to eat your family."

"You've played that Postbox or Cheese quiz haven't you?" Riotpolice said slightly sarcastically.

"Yeah I have. Far too hard for me though, I can barely get double digits."

(confused look)

"Your offer would have been 52,000 credits. Would you have dealt?"

Pick 3 more for your next proveout round. The ones you have left are: The ones you have left are: 9 10 14 15.

I need to go to dinner, back in a bit

[Riotpolice]

Haha, wow. That's pretty crazy how I still managed to not pick the 100k or the 250k.
I'll go with case 14, 9, and 15!

Edit: I swear if I actually managed to snag that 100k or 250k hnnngggffff

[Zapmeister]

Riotpolice slowly emerges from behind the door.

"THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS! They nicked all the fucking lifejackets too!" The Banker only now had just realised the absolute horror of the situation. Riotpolice was too shocked to do anything. "I can't believe this. All I wanted to do was win 250000 FFR credits. Now all I've got are 28000 credits and also I'm probably going to drown!"

The back end of the ship was already below the water level.

14 - 250,000 credits - "Damn it!" the Banker yelled.

"Look I don't care about what's in the rest of these stupid boxes if this goddamn ship is about to sink into the mid-Atlantic because of some stupid lettuce or whatever." Riotpolice looked around in vain to find something that could possibly work as a life raft, but found nothing.

9 - 100,000 credits - "Damn it!" the Banker yelled again. At this point it was clear that this ship had less than a minute left before it would send them plunging both into what appeared to be the mid-Atlantic, stranded, with no lifejackets or much hope of rescue. Uh oh.

15 - 2 credits - The Banker muttered a quiet "Yes!" as he tried desperately along with Riotpolice to hold on to the railings at the front of the ship as it tilted to almost vertically upright and went straight into the freezing dark abyss along with boxes 19 and 10 and Riotpolice's very dim light source.

Your board:


"Oh SHIT this is cold! SHIT SHIT SHIT!"

The two of them screamed as the painfully cold water hit them. After a minute to gain their breath back, Riotpolice noticed that the water was full of some mysterious leafy substance floating around.

It was, of course, nothing but the iceberg lettuce. The ship had apparently hit an enormous iceberg lettuce and had suffered about the same sort of damage as if a real iceberg had hit it.

"Mmm! Crunchy!" the Banker yelled while scoffing on the lettuce.

"Yes OK, we're not going to starve to death, that's a plus. Ok, seriously. IS ANYBODY OUT THERE WHO IS GOING TO RESCUE US? Can't you call ... someone?"

"Do I look like I have a phone?"

"So you're saying WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!?!?"

At that point the Banker found a particularly large and abnormally thick piece of lettuce leaf on the surface. He managed to hoist himself up onto it with some difficulty. He gestured to Riotpolice to climb on it.

Unfortunately the lettuce leaf sank with the weight of both of them on board. Riotpolice picked up a sense of deja vu. His predicament was exactly like the whole Jack+Rose thing at the end of Titanic. This time it was him who had to stay in the water.

"You're just too fat! Lose some weight!" Riotpolice yelled.

"I hate you, Riotpolice!" the Banker yelled back.

"Yeah, you do that, just fuck off. Just do that now, will you?"

"Yeah, I'll leave you out here in the cold just like this."

"Listen, Banker. Fuck you, I hope you don't make it out of here with any of your damn FFR credits. You're going to let a sudden financial meltdown destroy all of your FFR credits and your life and you're going to wonder what the hell happened."

"I bet you're so cold that your body's gone completely numb right now, huh."

"Coming here on this dumb FFR credit thing was the worst ever thing that could have happened to me. And I hate you for that. I hate you. I bet something down the line is going to make you give up whatever ambition you had in the future, any hopes, any chance of a life. Fuck you!"

"Fuck you!"

"No, you!"

"Stop shaking the lettuce leaf! Get your own leaf! LET GO!"

"Did both of us really just quote this scene from Titanic with every single line in it more-or-less inverted in meaning?"

"Er... You tell me!"

"What? I don't remember movie quotes in THAT much detail."

"Neither do I. Your offer would have been 12,500 credits. Would you have taken it and would you have swapped your box afterwards?"

[Riotpolice]

I would not have taken the 12.5k. I would have NOT swapped my box and kept it.

Edit: Thank you zap for a incredible game, I really hope to see more in the future, these are really really fun.

[Zapmeister]

Suddenly, a light appeared from apparently nowhere, much brighter than what they could currently see. It appeared to be a torch/flashlight. Riotpolice blinked. Really, hope for rescue? What was going on?

Click.

The whole surroundings brightened up.

Riotpolice and The Banker appeared to be in the middle of an absolutely enormous freezing cold indoor swimming pool. The ship appeared to be held in place vertically a few metres below the water by some strange mechanism. The lifeboats were on the other side of the swimming pool about fifty metres away. What they thought were weird lettuce leaves were, in fact, lettuce leaves, so at least they got that part right.

Some random angry-looking guy appeared to be standing on the edge of the pool next to the light switch.

"What's going on?" he said.

The Banker and Riotpolice exchanged bemused glances. Neither of them seemed to have any clue what was going on. How did they even get that ship inside this... swimming pool? It seemed absurd and unreal, but it was apparently everything that was going on.

"Listen. I have no idea how you got here," he continued, "but everyone here must know about the ground rules. This 'Sinking Ship Simulator' only opens on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Today is Thursday. I have no idea how the hell you even got here."

This was a fucking Sinking Ship SIMULATOR??!? WHAT THE FUCK?

"Secondly, this museum opens at 8 o'clock in the morning. I have no idea how the hell you two got here, but it is now 7:45, and you should NOT be here."

This was a fucking SINKING SHIP SIMULATOR IN A MUSEUM???

"And finally, you apparently have no idea how to use this thing. Those lifeboats should NOT be all the way at the other end of the pool, for God's sake! For one thing, you need to be trained in how to use this thing, which takes time. You can't just expect to come here and use this thing first go. And finally I have no idea how that lettuce got there, I'm hoping that wasn't you, but we've got more cleaning up to do."

Riotpolice could not believe what he was hearing. From the look on the Banker's face, neither could he.

The two of them swam up to the edge of the swimming pool, with The Banker carrying the remaining boxes 10 and 19 with him for whatever reason, and cautiously followed the museum guide up the several hundred steps to the door at the top, completely gobsmacked.

The guide unlocked the door and they were standing there in soaking wet clothes surrounded by model boats and other museum exhibits and staff in an otherwise well-lit but completely empty museum, and both were completely speechless.

"You two are now permanently banned from this museum. Get out and don't come back."

They were both led to the door in complete silence, which slammed behind them, and they sat down on a bench just outside the museum door. The sun was shining and the birds were singing and whatnot.

Riotpolice broke the silence.

"YOU KNEW IT ALL ALONG!" he shouted. "YOU KNEW IT WAS A FUCKING SIMULATOR ALL ALONG! You made me fear for my own life for a bunch of FFR credits just for an unfunny joke which you took way too far! I HATE YOU!"

The Banker tried to calm him down. "Look I have much less control over this gameshow than you think," he said. "It's not me, it's up to the people on the other end of the phone. I know how you feel, but I wouldn't have chosen to hold a Deal Or No Deal studio in a sinking ship simulator if I'd known it was."

"YOU LIAR! YOU DEFINITELY KNEW ALL OF THIS AND NEVER TOLD ME JUST TO SCARE ME!"

"I assure you I did not know it was a simulator! Like last time I wouldn't have known if there were all these blobfish everywhere or blue stuff on the roof or whatever. It's just not my fault."

Riotpolice was very unconvinced. "How come you were acting so coolly and nonchalantly when the ship was going down then!?"

"Well I'm trained to be calm in situations like these. Back in my former life as a real Deal Or No Deal host for money, I've lost the top prize several times. I had to remain calm even THEN."

Riotpolice was far too tired to argue, but felt he'd made his point. He felt completely and utterly hopeless in the situation.

"Let's see what you'd have won," the Banker says, opening a very soggy box 19 to reveal 35,000 credits.

"HA HA HA! I WIN!" the Banker yells. "Your box was worth 35,000 and I sold it to you for 28,000! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Yeah, rub it in, why don't you. I'm really far too tired for this. I can't believe you woke me up at 5:20."

"And finally to complete the game - " Box 10 is opened to reveal 250 credits. "There we go," the Banker says.

"Look, that's alright, can I just get some sleep now?"

The Banker casually chuckles under his breath. "Remember, you COULD have won 52,000 credits if you'd been a little brave enough to go on."

Riotpolice woke up. He was in a dumpster, soaking wet, surrounded by orange peel, watermelon chunks and grapefruit rind, as well as loads and loads of large lettuce leaves. He had absolutely no idea where he was. He picked up a transaction receipt for 28,000 credits that had somehow landed on his head, and groaned again.

The End

[Zapmeister]

done

[Riotpolice]

I just want to thank you Zap for an excellent game. Again, I just want to thank you for taking the time to write these up, it really makes the game so much more intense and interesting. Thank you!