Untitled. TD_Project

[TD_Project]

Had no idea what to put as a title. Anyways this is a story I'm working on.

I would LOVE constructive criticism, thoughts, anything good or bad. Keep in mind this is my first venture into story writing. Lots of editing and a bit of story plot changes may have to be done before I continue, so keep that in mind as well.

My inspiration was from 30 days of night, and how ridiculous I thought that movie was. Why are people so afraid of the dark? Then I thought, why not make monsters that only appear in daylight, reversing the norm? Another inspiration was 28 days/weeks later. Amazing.

Here it is, currently called Untitled - TD_Project

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12:45AM MONDAY
I awoke with my neck strained, in the middle of the night. It was strange, like it was coincidence, but all the streetlights outside my window that illuminate the street had burned out just then. After a couple of seconds to let my mind awaken, I thought maybe something shorted the circuit that controls the streetlights outside. I wasn’t too worried. I thought there could be a storm on the other side of the city that maybe knocked out something. Then again, there wasn’t any clouds at all from what I can see. Only stars, by the millions, now visible through the usually dim orange sky, now not polluted by the city’s system of lights. I closed the horizontal blinds in my room to go back to bed, but I seen something at the corner of my eye just as I did. I reopened them, and I couldn’t see anything. Imagination is the one element that can scare the daylights out of people, and I had one active imagination.

The city’s emergency warning horn then sounded, at first I thought it was a car horn to be honest. And it was so silent, how was this supposed to wake people up? Anyways, I flipped on the TV to see what is going on, and all stations were out. I thought maybe a tornado, but once again, there were no clouds in the sky. A cell phone upstairs rang, and being in my room in the basement, I didn’t really care to get it. I heard the annoyed footsteps of my mom walking to get the phone. I could understand her not wanting to get up. It was almost 1am. After a few moments, I heard her run frantically to her room. I couldn’t understand. I decided to get changed into jeans and a shirt and find out just what was going on.

As I progressively walked up the stairs, my mom met me half way. She told me to pack an emergency backpack full of clothes and water and food. I was starting to get spooked. I asked her what was going on and she was refusing to answer, only seeming to get annoyed with each attempt to find out what was happening. I packed a backpack and hoped it would be good enough. I brought my cell phone, and car keys and we got into my car. My mom told me, in a panicked manner, to drive as fast as possible to Kildonan Place, a mall that is just a few minutes away. I did as I was told, and sped past cars full of families, all heading for the same direction. Weaving between traffic I was met with police at the entrance of the parking lot. We were the last car to get in, it was full. I figured something must really be wrong to evacuate people into a mall. I assumed the rest of the cars were told to go somewhere else.

1:30AM MONDAY
I checked my watch, only to reveal the time at 1:30am. I’m sitting in a food court of a mall, I thought to myself, and I couldn’t help but notice everyone being quiet and calm. Really strange. As well, no lights were on, only two floodlights, which just barely lit up half the food court. We were told to not bring any flashlights or any light emitting source. You could say I smuggled my cell phone, and its light emitting camera. We were told to stay quiet, calm and collected. Not to make any calls, and to turn off ringers or anything loud. The police then sealed the door, and locked all entrances. Fences went up around the food court, and the lights were turned off. The doors were covered with plywood. The only sense you could really use now is your sense of sound, and all you can hear was an officer communicating with an authority. I couldn’t tell who. We were told to sleep for a couple hours, and we will be woken up with further instructions.

4:00AM MONDAY
“GET UP EVERYONE” Many groans and stunned people were woken up with the sound off the loud speaker. I looked around, and everything was the same. Dark. Silent. I seen an officer’s outline in the darkness though. I know she didn‘t know, but I asked, “What’s going on mom?”. “No idea, shh!” she replied. The officer in front was shining some light on himself out front. He was holding a microphone. “Citizens of various areas of Winnipeg. We apologize for the inconvenience of having you camp out in the Kildonan Place food court, however it is a necessity. There is no easy way to tell you the information that I must tell you, so I will cut this short to the bare facts, and bare in mind, you are safe, you have no need to panic.”





CHAPTER 2
4:02AM MONDAY
“We have received word, that an experiment, en route to Northern Alaska, has in fact gone loose. Lab rats, a common test animal, have been infected with a new strain of virus, that uses a modified rendition of chlorophyll in their skin which produces energy when exposed to sunlight, and unfortunately drives them insane. It confuses their brain, and unable to accept the new energy, sends the animals into a violent and frenzied outrage. The incident occurred in Portage La Prairie, not too far from Winnipeg.” I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t help but think, “what does that have to do with us?” “One rat has died in their water source, infecting many people. Due to tests done by American studies, we have confirmed that this infection is NOT contagious. From word however, the infected people demonstrate the same behaviour as the rats. During the night, they sleep. During the day however, they are enraged. They lose all memory, they lose all control. They are believed to be extremely dangerous. We have to be cautious, and lock citizens in enclosed dark spaces, as for your safety and the safety of others around you. Therefore we cannot use any light emitting products, as it will attract the people. Now remain calm. Early reports suggest that only 500 people were infected, and Portage La Prairie is a long distance for walking. However we are taking all measures necessary. We have food, water and shelter in this building, and are going to be housed for two weeks to be safe, as they will die of starvation. Remember it is not contagious, if in the extreme rare occasion that one infected person travels to this location, take shelter in a dark location. This is all of the information. Remember, DO NOT PANIC as you are safe in this building. Thank you.” The confusion and quiet talking began amongst most people, I on the other hand, went to sleep. Even among my mom’s constant crying.

2:12PM MONDAY
I woke up, because someone kicked me. I sleep forever sometimes, and I was surprised to see my mom sleeping. Some people were playing tic tac toe, some people were doing magic tricks with pennies, others were eating, sleeping, sitting, praying. I still didn’t find this whole thing that big of a deal. They were far away, they can‘t run this far, I figured around 100km, and come attack us. Then I realized it was light inside, and that was because of the skylight on the ceiling. I got up, my legs still half asleep and waddled my way over to an officer and asked him about the skylight. I figured that the skylight contradicts everything we were instructed about. He simply assured me that all entrances were pitch black, so it doesn’t matter. I went and sat down, confused, as his answer did not complete my question. I woke up my mom after unpacking all my things and asked if she wanted my mp3 player to listen to. She took it and went back to sleep. I looked around at all the people. Scared and confused. I seen my friend Devon across the room so he came over to me and told me that he was alone, he had no idea where his family was. I was actually fairly surprised to see that he wasn’t worried. If he was, he sure fooled me. We just sat together sharing stories, trying not to be too loud as to wake up my mom.

3:56PM MONDAY
I heard some strange noises, in the middle of Devon’s story. Rude, I know, but I zoned in on it. After a few moments I told Devon to be quiet, and woke up my mom. She heard the noises too and we moved toward an exit and sat there instead. Just in case. We watched the officers movements, and they silently and very slowly, raised their guns to the skylight. Just then, a person, clothes torn and tattered, appeared on the skylight. And smashed it, falling to the floor. The crowd around us got up in a panic and headed for the exit as the officers moved in. Devon, my mom and I watched in horror as the police shot the body three times. All officers moved to the middle of the room under the skylight to look at the body, green boils all over the skin, eyes blood red and clothes torn and bloody. Screams were let out again by the crowd when five more of the infected people dropped down from above. The officers were stunned and could not react fast enough, some officers killed on impact of the infected. I watched as the remaining officer stood beside four of the five infected, which then started to eat away at his throat, arms and legs and beat ruthlessly on his stomach. The crowd was now running all over. All doors were locked and sealed, but everyone ran for them anyways.




CHAPTER 3
4:10PM MONDAY
I remembered what the officer had said. I took my mom and Devon to the darkest area possible. It was an exit, still pitch black. Someone from the crowd must have seen where we went, and started ripping the wood from the windows to get to the glass door. I screamed for him to stop but it was too late. Many others in a panic joined him to escape. They broke through the glass when the wood was gone, our mask of darkness now gone. The crowd was now bolting out the door so my mom grabbed Devon and I by the shirts and dragged us outside. Just then we got out in front of her, to protect her in case anything happened. She still latched onto our shirts as not to lose us. Confusion, that’s how to describe the scene that unfolded. You could see many infected people in the parking lot, and tons of regular citizens running for their cars, running for their lives. I pulled out my car keys, and we got half way to my car before we were stopped by my mom, who tugged us back. I turned around to see an infected person slitting her throat as she dropped to the ground. I couldn’t believe it. Devon pulled me and we ran the rest of the way to my car. I was in shock. We left my mom behind, who was dying. We couldn’t save her but I just couldn’t leave her. We got into my car, started it and had no where to go. People and cars were everywhere, no room to drive anywhere. My car was parked behind the last row before the patch of grass. The last row was right behind my car, so I put it in reverse and held the clutch down. I revved the engine to 5000RPM and told Devon that the whole situation is ****ed.

4:12PM MONDAY
I let go of the clutch and floored the gas, the back on my car smashing into the car behind me, pushing it aside. With the car on the grass, free from its trapped state, I placed my foot on the clutch, shifted into first and pushed the gas. Letting go of the clutch the car came to life as it roared across the grass to the nearest road. The access road we ended up on took us to the main road, I needed to get to my house. This is madness, monsters that attack in the DAY instead of NIGHT. Who would have thought? The car screeched in the panicked traffic. Reaching speeds of 140km/h on the main street was easy until traffic came to an abrupt halt. Infected were up ahead and they were attacking panicked motorists. I threw it into reverse and looked behind me. Then something hit us that rammed us into, and over the car in front of us, sending my car over the car below me and crashing to the ground. The tire instantly blowing, coolant all over the ground. I looked behind me, forehead dripping with blood, Devon passed out in the seat beside me, only to see the semi truck that hit my car. I can only guess it wasn‘t able to stop like my car did. My car was still running surprisingly, and I floored it out from the wreckage. The car, keep in mind, was a wreck. Flooring it only made it go 30km/h, just a little faster than most people can run, and that’s all I needed.

4:25PM MONDAY
My car died a block from my house. Broad daylight, the car in the middle of the road, steaming hot smoke coming from the front, I got out. I looked at the car. The rear was smashed in, and the front and passenger sides were unrecognizable. I looked down the street to see if there could be any help. I looked back at my car when I heard a thump. Devon was covered in blood with his eyes open, and there on the other side of my car was two infected people. My heart dropped as we stared eye to eye for a split second, then they lunged toward me. I ran as fast as my legs could carry me and jumped a fence. When I reached the back yard I jumped the fence to get to the neighbours yard and so on until I reached my house. I seemed to have lost them but the adrenaline rushing through my body told me to keep going so I did. I ran inside my house, and grabbed a bag and some food and water and looked out the back window to see if I could make an escape through the back lane. Then I seen it. My mom’s truck. I went into the kitchen and grabbed the keys for it just as three infected people burst through the front door. I tried going to the side sliding door but one infected person stood there trying to break the window.. My only hope was to jump out the back window…






CHAPTER 4
4:32PM MONDAY
So here I was, on the second floor of a house, surrounded by infected. I picked up a chair and chucked it at the window. It shattered into many pieces and fell to the ground outside. I jumped head first and landed on my back. I had a huge gash on my arm from the broken glass. I forgot my bag of supplies, but I had my mom’s keys. Without even second guessing I hopped the fence and started the truck. One infected person lunged to the passenger door of the truck and hit the window many times, blood emerging from his knuckles all over the window. I threw it into reverse, going all the way to down the back lane in reverse. I stopped at the end to put it in drive so I can go forward down the street and an infected person ran and jumped into the box of the truck. I remembered what they did to my mom, and even though I was still too much in shock to let the feelings hit my mind, I took revenge into my own hands. In a blind rage I reversed hard so the infected fell forward toward the cab. Then I put it in drive and let him fly right off the back. I looked at the gas gauge and it had half a tank, so I figured I was okay. I shot down my street in the truck, and went to the Trans Canada Highway, the highway that spans Canada. I decided to make a break to my cabin, but before that, I would need gas. I returned down the main road I came from, only to find it empty. Anyone you could see, was dead. No moving people. It was a horrific sight.

4:56PM MONDAY
I pulled up to the pump, and slowly got out, checking every direction. I put one pump in the truck and started pumping and another pump on the ground and started pumping. I figured if infected were to come, I would be ready. I filled the truck, and was about to leave until seven infected were running towards me. I moved the truck forward a bit as to not light it on fire, took out a lighter, lit the gasoline on the ground on fire and ran back into the truck. I stepped on it. To my satisfaction the whole place was burning, and the infected were as well. To my dismay, the trucks tires were covered in gas, and were leaving tracks of gasoline on the road, which the fire was spreading to. I floored it hoping to outrun the fire, if it were to reach the truck the gas tank would explode. The fire got close before the tires finally had no more gas left on it, and I was safe. I looked in my rear view mirror one last time before looking in front of me. Then a loud booming came from the gas station, which emitted a shockwave that blew out the rear window of the truck and sent it sideways, onto the sidewalk hitting a streetlight pole at around 100 km/h, instantly taking down the pole and leaving a huge indent in the side of the box of the truck.. Not like I really cared about damage at this point. After a few minutes of driving down the highway, I started to realize the events of today, and how my whole life changed. My mom was dead, my friend was dead, my car was gone, my life was gone. I started to lose it, eyes watering, I started crying uncontrollably, barely able to see the highway ahead of me. I pushed the gas down further so I would arrive at my cabin in roughly an hour.

[dore]

The ideas were alright but I found it difficult to get through because of poor sentence structure and grammar issues, particularly with comma splicing and passive voice. This was just a random part that I picked out that had a little of everything:

She heard the noises too and we moved toward an exit and sat there instead. Just in case. "Just in case" is not a sentence, you'd probably be better off adding a comma after there and omitting instead. We watched the officers' movements, and they silently and very slowly, raised their guns to the skylight. This sentence is awkward to read as it is, maybe surround silently and (omit very) slowly with dashes to offset it more. Just then, a person, clothes torn and tattered, appeared on the skylight. And smashed it, falling to the floor.Find a way to combine this sentence and a half."

To illustrate the passive voice:
"A cell phone upstairs rang, and being in my room in the basement, I didn’t really care to get it."

Something like 'A cellphone rang upstairs, but I didn't really care to answer since I was in my room in the basement.' would read better.

[funmonkey54]

WOAH!
Massive grammar headache here.
Overall, it is a good story, but you should REALLY work on the grammar.

[TD_Project]

Heh, grammar. Check.

[rzr]

So, it's a reverse I Am Legend? If not, I like it. A lot. If so, it's not original. And screw the grammar for now, I'll edit it for you. Just keep writing, I want to see more before I lay out a full critique.