10-15-2008, 06:26 PM | #1 |
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Caffeine's Insomnia
Just a short poem of what has been happening to me lately.
My eyes are w i d e open. Sleep is not here. My mind is raving. --My body is not. My body is tired. --My mind is not. I try to think of nothing. Thoughts come at me like bullets. --But I push them back. Try to get some sleep. ... Nothing comes... ...Nothing comes but Caffeine's Insomnia. v2: My eyes are w i d e open. Hoping sleep, but it is not here. My mind is raving. -Craving for rest, my body is not. My body is tired. Tired of waiting for sleep to come... I try to think of nothing. Though thoughts come at me like bullets. --I try to push them back. Try to get some sleep. ... Nothing comes... ...Nothing comes but Caffeine's Insomnia.
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Last edited by IDKW2CM; 10-16-2008 at 06:32 PM.. |
10-15-2008, 07:59 PM | #2 |
The Chill Keeper
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Re: Caffeine's Insomnia
Decent poem. I like the use of colors.
If you could rhyme it up with an A,B,A,C,A,B,A,C pattern, it would be even cooler. |
10-15-2008, 08:10 PM | #3 |
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Re: Caffeine's Insomnia
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10-15-2008, 08:14 PM | #4 |
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Re: Caffeine's Insomnia
woops fix'd
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10-15-2008, 11:57 PM | #5 | ||
Ask Nuro! x3
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Re: Caffeine's Insomnia
Stanza/Verse 2 was my favorite, it caught me more.
Regardless of that, it's still really good You're very good at this. I also likeed your chourus too.
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10-16-2008, 01:12 AM | #6 |
Impulsive By Nature
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Re: Caffeine's Insomnia
Nice poem I liked the line. "My mind is raving". The title is cool too
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10-16-2008, 06:34 PM | #7 |
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Re: Caffeine's Insomnia
Thanks guys for all the support!
I've always been good at writing and stuff but never tried it out of school.
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10-24-2008, 02:43 AM | #8 |
TWG Veteran
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Re: Caffeine's Insomnia
Again, I like the color formatting. It helps to really feel the emotions your showing us in a more vivid way. I also agree with FunMonkey. A rhyme scheme would be nice. No poem is limited to having rhyme schemes, but I like ones with them. And a little bit more length, too. But, I did like it. You have talent.
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10-24-2008, 07:37 AM | #9 |
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Re: Caffeine's Insomnia
Thanks
I might make another version.
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10-24-2008, 02:37 PM | #10 |
FFR Player
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Re: Caffeine's Insomnia
Uhh, there's no real thought in this. It reads very plainly and isn't interesting at all. There's no meaning behind the colours, so I don't see why you'd use them.
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Last edited by Tokzic: Today at 11:59 PM. Reason: wait what |
10-24-2008, 06:01 PM | #11 |
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Re: Caffeine's Insomnia
Ok.
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10-24-2008, 06:41 PM | #12 |
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Re: Caffeine's Insomnia
Tokzic, fair but tough.
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10-28-2008, 08:09 AM | #13 |
Cerebellumberjack
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Re: Caffeine's Insomnia
One thing that I find helps me not write ****ty poetry, try reading it to yourself out loud. If you can't say it in such a manner that someone might take it seriously, it's probably terrible.
this doesn't apply to visual poetry and the like, but the stupid color use does not qualify this as such |
10-28-2008, 08:14 AM | #14 |
#swagdog
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Re: Caffeine's Insomnia
No offense, but I'm going to have to agree with tokzic.
When you write poetry you need to make sure to convey the feeling of what you are trying to say. Change the readers mood, make them savor your metaphors. When I read over this it just comes over a bit dry. I think you are aiming for blunt, short metaphors, and I can appreciate that. The idea is nice, but I think you should just add a bit more description to help set the tone for your poem. |
10-29-2008, 06:22 PM | #15 |
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Re: Caffeine's Insomnia
Ok
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