Old 10-15-2008, 06:26 PM   #1
IDKW2CM
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Default Caffeine's Insomnia

Just a short poem of what has been happening to me lately.

My eyes are w i d e open.
Sleep is not here.
My mind is raving.
--My body is not.
My body is tired.
--My mind is not.
I try to think of nothing.
Thoughts come at me like bullets.
--But I push them back.
Try to get some sleep.
...
Nothing comes...
...Nothing comes but Caffeine's Insomnia.

v2:
My eyes are w i d e open.
Hoping sleep, but it is not here.
My mind is raving.
-Craving for rest, my body is not.
My body is tired.
Tired of waiting for sleep to come...
I try to think of nothing.
Though thoughts come at me like bullets.
--I try to push them back.
Try to get some sleep.
...
Nothing comes...
...Nothing comes but Caffeine's Insomnia.
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Old 10-15-2008, 07:59 PM   #2
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Default Re: Caffeine's Insomnia

Decent poem. I like the use of colors.
If you could rhyme it up with an A,B,A,C,A,B,A,C pattern, it would be even cooler.
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Old 10-15-2008, 08:10 PM   #3
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Default Re: Caffeine's Insomnia

Quote:
Originally Posted by IDKW2CM View Post
Try get some sleep.
to?
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Old 10-15-2008, 08:14 PM   #4
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Default Re: Caffeine's Insomnia

woops fix'd
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Old 10-15-2008, 11:57 PM   #5
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Default Re: Caffeine's Insomnia

Stanza/Verse 2 was my favorite, it caught me more.
Regardless of that, it's still really good
You're very good at this.
I also likeed your chourus too.
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Old 10-16-2008, 01:12 AM   #6
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Default Re: Caffeine's Insomnia

Nice poem I liked the line. "My mind is raving". The title is cool too
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Old 10-16-2008, 06:34 PM   #7
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Default Re: Caffeine's Insomnia

Thanks guys for all the support!
I've always been good at writing and stuff but never tried it out of school.
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Old 10-24-2008, 02:43 AM   #8
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Default Re: Caffeine's Insomnia

Again, I like the color formatting. It helps to really feel the emotions your showing us in a more vivid way. I also agree with FunMonkey. A rhyme scheme would be nice. No poem is limited to having rhyme schemes, but I like ones with them. And a little bit more length, too. But, I did like it. You have talent.
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i guess their alcohol tolerance isnt as high as mine
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Old 10-24-2008, 07:37 AM   #9
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Default Re: Caffeine's Insomnia

Thanks
I might make another version.
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Old 10-24-2008, 02:37 PM   #10
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Default Re: Caffeine's Insomnia

Uhh, there's no real thought in this. It reads very plainly and isn't interesting at all. There's no meaning behind the colours, so I don't see why you'd use them.
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Old 10-24-2008, 06:01 PM   #11
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Default Re: Caffeine's Insomnia

Ok.
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Old 10-24-2008, 06:41 PM   #12
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Default Re: Caffeine's Insomnia

Tokzic, fair but tough.
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i had a mri the other day it was the best song i heard in years

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Originally Posted by Sprite-
More of a joke than the time I deleted all the credits on the site.
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yeah my goldfish think im a riot they do this thing where they turn upside down and float to the top of the tank

i guess their alcohol tolerance isnt as high as mine
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Old 10-28-2008, 08:09 AM   #13
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Default Re: Caffeine's Insomnia

One thing that I find helps me not write ****ty poetry, try reading it to yourself out loud. If you can't say it in such a manner that someone might take it seriously, it's probably terrible.

this doesn't apply to visual poetry and the like, but the stupid color use does not qualify this as such
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Old 10-28-2008, 08:14 AM   #14
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Default Re: Caffeine's Insomnia

No offense, but I'm going to have to agree with tokzic.

When you write poetry you need to make sure to convey the feeling of what you are trying to say. Change the readers mood, make them savor your metaphors.

When I read over this it just comes over a bit dry.

I think you are aiming for blunt, short metaphors, and I can appreciate that. The idea is nice, but I think you should just add a bit more description to help set the tone for your poem.
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Old 10-29-2008, 06:22 PM   #15
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Default Re: Caffeine's Insomnia

Ok
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