Old 09-2-2008, 10:34 PM   #1
RubiedCross
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Default A short story.

Just a short story that I wrote for English. I somewhat feel that it's good, but I'm not sure whether or not it really is, haha.

Sorry if the ending seems a little sudden, I was almost late for school already and I had to fit it on one page (Which I didn't because the font changed when I sent it to my desktop computer to print).

Any criticism would be nice. This is basically a draft, as I didn't take the time to edit it.



I open my eyes to darkness. "Open," I say. Open. What a strange word. I should have expected so. Some of these places have such strange languages. I hadn't taken the chance to practice this world's language. I have to rely solely on my automatic translator. It was while I thought such statements that the door to my shuttle opened. Immediately I am overcome by the smell. Pollution. How disgusting, how some of these creatures live. I have only been informed through basic teachings of other planets, of what to expect. My sense of smell immediately adapts to this new world. Along with that, my eyes sharpen, as I've seen nothing but the artificial glow of the shuttle controls for as long as I could remember. My hearing dulls, for the noise in this world is overwhelming. My teachings were directly inputted to my brain cells, therefore I had heard no voices. Only the dull beeps and boops of my vitals and the vitals of my shuttle. My body tingles as the air touches my skin. Full of pollution. My skin adapts to this feeling, these chemicals in the air. My physical form is fitted, to that of the average dominant creature of this world. I measure in at 165 pounds, and 67 inches. My skin is a tannish color, with hair growing in many places. My eyes are a light blue, and my hair is a dark brown, with length. All of this takes place within a second, maybe less. But that's my job. To adapt, and to find the meaning of new worlds. That's what my race was born to do. I guess this is normal. I guess I'm no different.

“We interrupt this program for breaking news. An alien aircraft has been spotted in New York City! Investigators now are…” Interesting. I stroke my grey beard as I listen on for more of this story, though I don’t really believe it all too much. I’ve been in this world for quite some time now, and never has any ‘Alien’ landed here. None of the previous reports have been true. This one won’t be any different. I stand up, with just the slightest difficulty. Not bad, when you’re 99 years old. I’ve kept myself in shape since my Freshman year in high school. I never smoked, and rarely drank. Healthy as a horse, some might say. I say that it should be the other way around. Unfortunately, our people don’t take care of themselves as they should. They just pollute our air while getting fat, letting machines do all the work. My land isn’t much different, except for the forest about 2 miles down. The Forest. The Go Green! Foundation saved only 100 acres of forest, only 100 acres in the entire world. I’m the closet one to this forest, The next house 7 miles down. The residents there are already dead, and the house is ready to be torn down. But not me. I’m juicing my life for all it’s worth. If I could have it my way, I’d bring this whole rotted planet down with me. There isn’t anywhere left for us to go. Our hole has been dug too deep.

I walk out of the shuttle. The creatures of this planet surrond me, and not just one layer of them do so. Hundreds, maybe even thousands of these “Humans” circle my landing zone. The first couple layers all are colored the same, all of them pointing some piece of metal at me. The ones behind them are of many different colors. They seem to want to get within this first layer, but are being held back. Something doesn’t seem right. This is the busiest spot on this planet, yet they are amazed by a single shuttle landing? I guess we should’ve picked a more subtle spot to land, as we’ve never been in contact with these things before. I step out. Every creature around me gasps, and many of them start talking, quietly.Some start yelling. I try to pick out the words, but there’s too many to hear anything too distinctly. Flashes start going off. My eyes sharpen even more to compensate for this new light. “A-… are you… Human?” One of the creatures in the front layer asks me this. I look at him, with humor in my eyes. These creatures are quite strange. I ponder whether or not I should answer with yea or nay. They seem to be alarmed by my presence, and I sense their discomfort. I have my answer. “No.” And that’s when there’s a bang from a distance. A small piece of metal is flying at me at quite a high speed, for these humans to comprehend. I look at it, my reactions much better than them at the sign of danger. I determine that this will not harm me if hit, but I’d rather not feel the pain of it. I move my head slightly to the left, and the bullet pierces through my hair, cutting a chunk off. It then digs itself into my ship, causes no harm, but leaving a small indent. That’s when they start to panic. More metal is fired, all at me. I then realize that they wish to kill me. A hostile planet, I determine. This is only one option when it comes to hostility. I close my eyes, and activate a timer within myself. A shame. To be born in captivity, only to be sent to a planet that you have to destroy. But that’s what my race was born to do. I guess this is normal. I guess I'm no different.

I see it all. The firing at this human/alien. What ignorant fools. They will doom us all someday, if not today. That thing is the real deal, I figure. That thing could be here to kill us all. Maybe he’s here to help us all. I couldn’t care less, but maybe a little bit of me hoped that maybe, maybe he could help this planet. Maybe that thing can help restore what is lost to us. But this thought didn’t last long, as the creature had a pulsating blue shield start to form. Someone is caught, and their body is electrocuted until nothing's left but ash. I guess that we pissed him off. Good job, Earth. Good Job.

An explosion. An entire planet, gone within a couple of seconds. Nothing was left, nothing at all. The end of the human race. They were built, and they were destroyed. And now, they won’t be remembered.


EDIT:: Fixed what tater suggested, a little differently. Not sure if inputted is in the correct context.

Last edited by RubiedCross; 09-2-2008 at 11:02 PM..
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Old 09-2-2008, 10:47 PM   #2
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Default Re: A short story.

Remove the word look from the seventh sentence. Remove everything after the comma in that same sentence. Change direct to directly in line 16. Other than that it was interesting. I liked it.
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Old 10-27-2008, 06:01 AM   #3
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Default Re: A short story.

I saw one grammatical mistake, but I don't remember where. It was just no space after a period (like end.And, instead of end. And,. That's not what the mistake was, I just don't remember where exactly it was).

Anyway, you can call me a fan. I liked it. Kind of droll at first. Monotonous. The action kept me reading. I was disappointed when it ended. What I would personally like to see is a... longer version. Not sure how to describe it, really. Just, if it were, like, a novel I would love it.

All in all, nice short story. Hope my feedback's helpful and I look forward to seeing more from you.
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