[High School - AP English] JFK Essay Feedback

[Nyokou]

I was assigned to do an essay for AP Language & Composition using John F. Kennedy's inaugural speech. Below are the basic requirements and guidelines:

After our dissection and intensive study of JFK’s inaugural speech, your task is to create a one page essay (single spaced) that analyzes the rhetorical strategies he employs in order to achieve his purpose. This is a formula paper. Basically, you are saying that _____ and _____ create _____.

Things to remember
1) all of the mechanical and content errors that we have named
2) create an introduction that funnels and sets context (this is where you make connections)
3) incorporate text, do not simply place it in the middle of your writing
4) cite your source according to the paragraph number EX: (16)
5) create a conclusion that is not merely a repeat of the intro

I chose to do mine in past tense. This is what I have so far - it's supposed to be only one page long, singe-spaced in Microsoft Word which explains the shortness. I haven't written a conclusion yet, but I will in a little while and then I'll update my post. I need some really good feedback please, because I asked her for some and she said it was great so far and that I integrated the text well - which doesn't tell me much. :/

It would also help to read the speech too. (I don't doubt that it's on the internet) But don't worry, because it's not very long. It's actually one of the shortest inaugural speeches of any President.

John F. Kennedy Inaugural Speech Essay

John F. Kennedy’s inaugural speech when dissected reveals a wide array of rhetorical strategies that all serve for a single purpose - to liken Americans to his ideals. There are two balances of power in his speech that make his purpose quite evident; the contrasts of the old to the new. John F. Kennedy wanted change and reform very much like those of the “first revolution” (3) and because of this he needed to have the American citizens on his side. Thus, the use of historical heritage and language combined with ideological pursuits and propositions enabled John F. Kennedy to inspire and appeal to the American and global population.

Nearly “a century and three-quarters ago” (1) the “forebears” (1) of our nation “prescribed” (1) the ceremony to have a President “sworn before [the people] and Almighty God” (1) into the Presidential office of the United States of America, just like John F. Kennedy in the year 1961. Being connected to past leaders in that manner, John F. Kennedy goes on to inspire the citizens of America through comparisons with the past to the present because “the same revolutionary beliefs for which our forebears fought are still at issue around the globe” (2). As “heirs of that first revolution” (3) it is the duty of the Americans to ensure that “the rights of man” (2) given to them by God are protected around the globe because “if a free society cannot help the many who are poor, it cannot save the few who are rich.” (8) John F. Kennedy also appeals to the people in our neighboring countries through this strong oratory so that they may “join with them to oppose aggression or subversion anywhere in the Americas” (9) much like the efforts of those in the American Revolution. The fighting with their “adversary”, (11) will become a “quest for peace” (11) under John F. Kennedy because the western “Hemisphere intends to remain the master of its own house” (9) and thus would instill inspiration in this “new generation of Americans” (3) to be “unwilling to witness…the slow undoing of those human rights” (3) that were previously mentioned.

To achieve peace between these “two great and powerful groups of nations” (13) John F. Kennedy proposes that they “formulate” (16) a way to keep the “control of arms” (16) “under the absolute control of all nations” (16) so as to unite the people of the world instead of dividing them. Kennedy also brings fresh ideas to the American population in order to “[create] a new endeavor…where the peace [is] preserved”, (19) a theme that was most prominent in the youth of America at the time of his inauguration. However, the catch is that Kennedy “will not [finish these goals] in the first one hundred days…nor in…our lifetime” (20) so that they [the audience] may be examples onto future generations of young Americans. These future generations would then continue the work for peace as Kennedy intended just as the revolutionaries intended for Americans to carry on their rights for freedom. Not only would they have to bring peace amongst themselves, but they will also have to “struggle against the common enemies of man: tyranny, poverty, disease, and war itself” (22) to bring about real change even though it might be a slow process in the long-run. These set proposals and pursuits that John F. Kennedy placed before the people at the time of his speech were meant for them to realize that they had to come together so that “the energy, the faith, the devotion which [they would] bring to this endeavor [would] light [the] country [America] and all who serve it”. (24)

[musicdemon]

Well, if you want to keep the first sentence essentially the same, here's what it would look like with the proper grammar:

"John F. Kennedy’s inaugural speech when dissected reveals a wide array of rhetorical strategies that all serve a single purpose - to liken Americans to his ideals."

Here is a revision that might be a better fit:

"John F. Kennedy’s inaugural speech when dissected reveals a wide array of rhetorical strategies that are focused on likening Americans to his ideals."

I would prefer a word other than "likening", but it's your job to find a better one. The second sentence is also grammatically incorrect because the words following the semicolon do not form a proper sentence. Combining the second piece with the first would make for a clearer, shorter, and simpler statement. The last sentence in the paragraph is quite a good one, and should definitely serve as your thesis statement.

I won't pick apart your essay piece by piece, but you might want to get some help from your peers in class. Try not to use semicolons and hyphens unless you are sure that your grammar is sound, because it should be an obvious error to a teacher.

Since this post is several months old, I may just be talking to the wind. However, if you do see this, I hope you glean some small bit of help from it. What grade did you receive on this essay?

[devonin]

I know this is an old thread, and an old post, but I'm still going to give it a full-on response as though it were current, just so anybody reading the thread can still gain any potential help or insights from the response to improve their own writing.

I would prefer a word other than "likening", but it's your job to find a better one.

It's not that you need a better word, it's that you need a word which actually means what you're trying to say. The statement "focused on likening Americans to his ideals" means "Focused on suggesting that 'Americans' and 'JFK's Ideals' are the same thing"

From context it seems more like you're trying to say that his speech was 'Focused on instilling in the American people, a sense of his ideals and vision for the future of the country'

I'd also suggest that

"combined with ideological pursuits and propositions"

doesn't really mean what it seems like you're trying to say. Maybe 'combined with expressions of his ideology'

Nearly “a century and three-quarters ago” (1) the “forebears” (1) of our nation “prescribed” (1) the ceremony to have a President “sworn before [the people] and Almighty God” (1) into the Presidential office of the United States of America, just like John F. Kennedy in the year 1961.

I'd suggest that you utterly don't need to have 'quoted' any of that text in this introduction. Especially since you take all the individual words and use them either completely out of context or to just quote his entire first statement, but broken up into little pieces. Since his statement that uses those words is "For I have sworn before you and Almighty God the same solemn oath our forebears prescribed nearly a century and three quarters ago." you're just restating his statement about his statement...which seems needless.

However, the catch is that Kennedy “will not [finish these goals] in the first one hundred days…nor in…our lifetime” (20) so that they [the audience] may be examples onto future generations of young Americans.

This flows clunky to me..."The catch is that Kennedy will not finish these goals so that the audience may be examples to future generations" suggests that he's saying "I'm going to purposefully not finish, so you can finish for me" when I think he was suggesting that "I can't finish, because the job is too big, so what we can do is try to inspire future generations to keep at it"

I'd maybe try something like:

However, the catch is that Kennedy “will not [finish these goals] in the first one hundred days…nor in…our lifetime.” (20) Having already insisted that this task was necessary for the future survival of the country, Kennedy's goal in showing that the task was too large for even one lifetime of effort was to inspire the current generation of Americans to fight alongside him, in the hopes of inspiring future generations to continue.

I chose to do mine in past tense.

Then you need to fix some tense errors:

Nearly “a century and three-quarters ago” (1) the “forebears” (1) of our nation “prescribed” (1) the ceremony to have a President “sworn before [the people] and Almighty God” (1) into the Presidential office of the United States of America, just like John F. Kennedy in the year 1961. Being connected to past leaders in that manner, John F. Kennedy goeswent on to inspire the citizens of America through comparisons with the past to the present because “the same revolutionary beliefs for which our forebears fought are still at issue around the globe” (2). As “heirs of that first revolution” (3) it is was the duty of the Americans to ensure that “the rights of man” (2) given to them by God arewere protected around the globe because “if a free society cannot help the many who are poor, it cannot save the few who are rich.” (8) John F. Kennedy also appealsappealed to the people in our neighboring countries through this strong oratory so that they may “join with them to oppose aggression or subversion anywhere in the Americas” (9) much like the efforts of those in the American Revolution. The fighting with their “adversary”, (11) will would become a “quest for peace” (11) under John F. Kennedy because the western “Hemisphere intends to remain the master of its own house” (9) and thus would instill inspiration in this “new generation of Americans” (3) to be “unwilling to witness…the slow undoing of those human rights” (3) that were previously mentioned.

To achieve peace between these “two great and powerful groups of nations” (13) John F. Kennedy proposesproposed that they “formulate” (16) a way to keep the “control of arms” (16) “under the absolute control of all nations” (16) so as to unite the people of the world instead of dividing them. Kennedy also bringsbrought fresh ideas to the American population in order to “[create] a new endeavor…where the peace [is] preserved”, (19) a theme that was most prominent in the youth of America at the time of his inauguration. However, the catch iswas that Kennedy “will not [finish these goals] in the first one hundred days…nor in…our lifetime” (20) so that they [the audience] may be examples onto future generations of young Americans. These future generations would then continue the work for peace as Kennedy intended just as the revolutionaries intended for Americans to carry on their rights for freedom. Not only would they have to bring peace amongst themselves, but they willwould also have to “struggle against the common enemies of man: tyranny, poverty, disease, and war itself” (22) to bring about real change even though it might be a slow process in the long-run. These set proposals and pursuits that John F. Kennedy placed before the people at the time of his speech were meant for them to realize that they had to come together so that “the energy, the faith, the devotion which [they would] bring to this endeavor [would] light [the] country [America] and all who serve it”. (24)

[Nyokou]

Originally Posted by musicdemon

Since this post is several months old, I may just be talking to the wind. However, if you do see this, I hope you glean some small bit of help from it. What grade did you receive on this essay?

Thanks for your feedback. :] Looking back on it now I realize the many mistakes I made. I think my teacher mentioned just one thing she thought was wrong with it... a run-on sentence I think. Anyway, I got a 93 on it, which is barely an A. A 92 would have been a B.

And thanks devonin. Yeah, those things about the essay bothered me as well.

[musicdemon]

How is a 92 a B, lol. I'm surprised you got such a high grade. My AP teacher was a stickler for grammar, though, so maybe I'm just used to going over everything with a fine tooth comb.

Keep working hard in AP English! A grade of a 3 or higher on the exam will waive your English requirement at some colleges. I got 3s on my AP Literature and AP Language exams and I didn't have to take English again in college. It may be a tough slog now, but you can potentially save yourself a lot of time and stress later if you ace that exam

[devonin]

How is a 92 a B, lol.

The correspondance of number grades to letter grades in the united states basically doesn't exist. Every school board independantly sets up the system however they please, and there are no universal standards whatsoever.

If in her school board, in an AP class, they've decided that 92 is a B, and in your school board, in an AP class, they've decided that an 85 is a B, that doesn't mean her school has higher standards, it means that a paper that got you an 85, if handed in to her teacher, would most likely get you a 92.

The terminal inconsistancy of the American education system in terms of grades is why America has things like the SATs as mandatory testing for entry into college, because it is an objective standardized test that isn't able to give a false impression because your school board decided to screw with the numbers.

In Canada, we have provincially and federally mandated curricula for elementary and highschool, with consistant grade schemes across all school boards. An A is an A is an A no matter where you went to school here, so we actually just don't have a Canadian equivalent to the SATs

[QED Stepfiles]

Empirical evidence suggests that the two most common grading schemes are

A - 90-100

or

A - 93-100

[devonin]

Perhaps the two most common grading schemes in the US. Where I come from, 80-100 has always been an A.

I'd also suggest that the larger the number of percentage grades that "pass" the more accurate the grading system is.

[musicdemon]

Thanks for the information, devonin. I wasn't aware that there was that much discrepancy with our system. I assumed that our system is the same as yours, with instead 90-100 always being an A, 80-89 always being a B, etc. I appreciate you explaining how the two systems differ instead of pointing out that I was wrong and leaving it at that. The SATs seem a bit more meaningful now. They still screw over the kids who aren't good at standardized testing, though. 8 AM is not the time that most teenagers are at their most efficient for the day. Unfortunately, that's a whole other debate that I won't hash out in this thread.

Anyway, thanks for the information!

[devonin]

8 AM is not the time that most teenagers are at their most efficient for the day. Unfortunately, that's a whole other debate that I won't hash out in this thread.

So exit out one sub-forum into Critical Thinking and -make- a thread about it.

[musicdemon]

Honestly, I don't know much about standardized testing. I was more stating an opinion about the 8AM testing time than hinting at a wealth of facts I was privy to that I could use to forge a great debate.