An Essay on Why You Should Drive Less and Ride More

[Aldentron]

http://fwcycling.tumblr.com/post/551...-more-an-essay

This is my final essay for my English Comp class this semester.
Thank you for reading in advance!

[virus003]

You used the word "asshole"

I think you should fix that.

Also, in your first source paragraph, I wouldn't refer to overweight as "fat" people, be more just and use overweight or something along the lines of that.

[Betsy7Cat]

With so many people talking about how social networks are being used for the worse, it was great to see that people still talk about how it's used for good things, like these bicycle groups you mentioned being able to work because of them.

[bmah]

There are a lot of sentences and paragraphs you could rephrase better ("Who controls the skies? It’s called air traffic control"), clarify better (what constitutes "tolerable" and "appreciable" in regards to public transit), and/or is unnecessary ("...and [cars] are used as weapons in extreme instances"). I'll let other people go into the specifics. I'll acknowledge though that you appear to be writing in more of a blog style than a formal essay or manuscript.

I was about to comment on how much you should've talked about the built environment, but I've noticed that you'll have an article on the environment later on. I've taken several community planning courses, so I can suggest a few things.

Regarding a bit of history, you might want to mention the Federal-Aid Highway Act in 1956, where thousands of miles of US's interstate highway was built (as a strategy for an emergency route in case a nuclear bomb drops, which never happened of course). That act is responsible for a large amount of asphalt you see today.

Also pertaining to the health and safety is social activity, which is part of your mental well-being. A car-oriented society (esp. in suburbs) often lacks a lively community. There's less likely of a chance you'll meet up with someone to say hi when you're driving in the car. The general mentality in suburban neighborhoods is privacy; that's why houses now are often standardized with front garages and back yards instead of front porches, and properties are wider spread apart (and larger). Ok, now I'm heading into built environment territory. Anyhow, you're going to have kids growing up in private, and more likely sedentary, lifestyles.

Hopefully, if you mention solutions later on, it's important to stress the encouragement of transit-oriented development (TOD), walkability both in neighborhoods and central building districts/downtowns, and rezoning tools. Try looking into a city's municipal development plan (MDP) and see how they apply these concepts, especially TOD and public transit. That's definitely the best way of encouraging the use of alternative transit methods.

Finally, you should probably acknowledge that despite all efforts, transit is still all about choice. You're still going to have people driving cars, but a realistic goal is to encourage public transit through modifying the physical and built environment.

edit: Hopefully I've given some insight into the actual topics. ddrxero64 (below) can talk about the grammatical aspects.

[ddrxero64]

These are only opinions, but I'd like to share my thoughts. Feel free to disagree and dismiss all of them if you'd like.

Paragraph 1

Generic hook. This is probably the hardest part of essay writing for me, so try to imagine yourself reading this essay for pleasure, and not as an assignment. After reading the first sentence, do you really want to read more? Play on people's temptations, and hook the reader to want to read the essay. For example (bold is yours, italics is mine):

Although automobiles have contributed many pros and cons to today’s society, I believe there is a mass over-usage of them.

Have you ever drove to the gas station and sighed as you pumped gallons and gallons of over priced gasoline into your brand new car? It's no doubt that these hard economic times are a result to the over-usage of automobiles nowadays.

They emit hazardous chemicals into our environment. They are responsible for countless accidental deaths and are used as weapons in extreme instances.

You should join these two. You make four points here, and it makes the sentence fluidity very bland and concrete. Start at the second sentence and read those three points out loud. Now read the second sentence and then read this:

They emit hazardous chemicals into our environment and are responsible for countless accidental deaths, being used as weapons in extreme instances.

It's important to keep that last part, because it was building on to your third point. There is a fragile line between a complex sentence and a run on, but if worded correctly can be spoken without the need for a breath. Imagine that every essay you write is oral. You need to assume that every essay you write may one day be spoken.

Good closing sentence in the first paragraph, made a solid argument.

Paragraph 2

I rode 8 miles going to and from school for 5 days every week my entire Senior year of high school, and continue to do so.

I can see you shifted the tone in this paragraph to make it a bit personal. I do see a little run on in this sentence though. Two things I would do is change the tense to give it a powerful personal tone. I would also fix it up to shorten it a bit. I also assume that you had 5 days of school a week, so you can simply say "everyday." Or in my example, you can even omit it. Also, any number below 100 is written out in formal essay writing. I don't think senior needs to be capitalized either, at least not when it's used as an adjective.

I'd ride eight miles going to and from school my entire senior year of high school, and to this day I continue to do so.

It does have it’s challenges. The elements, other commuters in vehicles four or more times my size, poor pavement conditions, etc. But the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. If they didn’t, I wouldn’t be riding still.

Like I said, you're making this paragraph a little personal, so add a bit more personal and informal phrasing. Also take out "or more" because it makes the reader think more than they have to, and it makes the consistency of the essay a bit awkward. Like someone who is making their point but starts to digress over little issues in their speech. Four times the size is perfectly fine when making your point, and it only supports the real point you're stressing - the dangers of riding around larger vehicles. Also, wrong it's (it should be its). Here's my example.

I do admit, it does have its challenges. The elements, other commuters in vehicles four times my size, poor pavement conditions, etc. But the advantages still outweigh the disadvantages. If they didn’t, I wouldn’t bother riding.

Paragraph 3

For the last ten years or so, more and more publicity has been drawn to the United States’ obesity epidemic.

For the last ten years or so, more and more publicity has been drawn to the obesity epidemic seizing the United States.

This may seem minor and even unnecessary, but imagine you're speaking these words. It starts off great, but by the end, it sounds like you're going to spew a bunch of nouns. If you read my example, a normal person would probably stress "seizing" a bit more, giving a natural pause to the sentence. It really is minor and not needed, but it does give it a tiny bit more polish (use that as imagery lol).

Some people blame poor diets dictated by fast food chain-restaurants, but any dietician will tell you that being physically fit isn’t just in the food you eat, but it is also in how your body uses it.

First sentence is run on. It is a bit hard to rephrase it while keeping the point, but it can be done. I would also replace "people" with "of us." This involves the reader in the essay, and makes them not only feel like they're a part of it but that they have responsibility in this as well. After all, the goal of this essay is to motivate people to drive less and ride more right? Also, if you're going to make "is not" into a contraction, you may as well make "it is" into "it's" to keep the consistency.

Some of us blame poor diets dictated by fast food chain-restaurants, but any dietician will tell you otherwise. Being physically fit isn’t just in the food you eat, but it's also in how your body uses it.

Love the last sentence, simplifying the whole problem into one rhetorical question. You seem to be good at summarizing your point haha.

Paragraph 4

In an interview with a radio host who had previously gone on an on-air anti-cyclist tirade, Armstrong stated “When I grew up in the 1960s, 50 percent of kids walked or rode their bikes to school. Now it’s 5 percent. The obesity rate was 14 percent. Today it’s 50. “

Put a comma after the word host, it makes the sentence a little less run on. Also, the quotation marks after 50 looks weird, but it could be what you're using to type. But there is an unnecessary space after the last 50. It should be (50."), (not 50. "). I wouldn't worry about the numbers being stated as digits (remember, numbers under 100 should be written out) because it's a quote, but do watch out for technicalities such as those. I'm being very picky with this, but only because my high school English teacher in senior year would take off points just for errors like these. Research papers and important essays are no joke in an English class.

As a school-attending child, I either rode the school bus or had my parent’s drive me to school. This is the way it was for everyone I knew at my school, and when they got old enough, they started driving themselves. A good percentage walked to school, but they lived significantly closer than most of the other students.

A school attending child is a very awkward way to say it. I would say a "privileged child who attended school regularly." The privileged puts emphasis on the fact you were driven and using a bus, which some students don't always get to do. Also, parents shouldn't have an apostrophe. "...when they got old enough, they started..." contains an unnecessary comma, so take that one out and keep the previous one. "A good percentage of my peers" sounds a bit better, even though it's inferred that the subject is the students. The problem is some people assume that they can always use inferences because it's shorter, but it's not always bad to bring up the subject again to keep it fresh in the reader's mind.

The comma after "theft target" should be taken out. I would even rephrase that to say "target for theft." Theft target sounds grammatically incorrect, I don't know if theft can be used as an adjective. You also used a semicolon after mind, which may seem right. There is a lot of confusion between using a dash and semicolon, but it should be a dash. The use of a semicolon separates an independent clause from another if I remember correctly. If you're making a significant pause and making another statement that may not be closely related (or making another point), use a dash. Here's an example of a way I'd use a semicolon. I'm only speaking from what I know, so I wouldn't be surprised if I'm wrong. Your "w" in where is capitalized too, but it shouldn't be. Example:

I was always riding my bike 4 miles to get to school; I would be out of breath every time I finally arrived.

Notice

I can proofread it more, but I realize it takes me a long time to do so. I don't like to half ass proofreads, so if you want me to review it a bit more let me know. If not, I'll assume you're doing fine. Either way I was glad to give you some opinions.

[Aldentron]

virus003: The reason I used words such as those was to make it more readable. I may revise the sentence with the word asshole, but at the time I wrote it that just seemed like the best way to put it. Also, my professor is left-wing/feminist/cusses all the time, so I don't think it's that big of a deal.

Betsy7Cat: On the contrary, the recent Egyptian revolution's success was attributed to facebook alone. I understand where you're coming from though, I have friends that hate the idea of the internet being substitute for real-life interaction.

bmah and ddrxero64: Thank you for being so in depth! I will look over your info again when I get home when I start to work and post again with my response and any changes I decide to make.

[ddrxero64]

Originally Posted by Aldentron

virus003: The reason I used words such as those was to make it more readable. I may revise the sentence with the word asshole, but at the time I wrote it that just seemed like the best way to put it. Also, my professor is left-wing/feminist/cusses all the time, so I don't think it's that big of a deal.

When I think about it, cussing is fine. Unlike high school, you're well aware of what you're reading and/or writing. Some of the best essays of all time read in editorials, newspapers, etc have vulgar language. Even books like Catcher in the Rye are being read all over the high schools. Swearing in essays can be a stylistic and sometimes revolutionary form of writing nowadays if done right.

Do pay attention to the general audience though. Catcher in the Rye was made for people who read for pleasure and liked edgy literature. This essay will be addressed to citizens who are used to driving, so don't think that your professor is your only uaudience.

Originally Posted by Aldentron

bmah and ddrxero64: Thank you for being so in depth! I will look over your info again when I get home when I start to work and post again with my response and any changes I decide to make.

lol, I realize bmah and I make a great proofreading team. He addresses the deeper impact and practical reasoning in your argument. I seem to be very technical in the fluidity of the speech and mechanics, and keeping consistency in your argument.

Edit: I guess I'll read the rest when I wake up if it's helping. That way you can get some insight for all of it. Let me know when you'll be done with the second and third section, that way I can make the time to read it. That makes it easier to get my comments to you sooner.

[Aldentron]

bmah: I think the reason for the blog writing style is that I use Google Reader to follow cycling blogs, they contain very much relevant information. I don't know if I could write any other way. I still read books, but I'm just used to blog writing now.

The Federal-Aid Highway fits into my essay perfectly, when I was working on the environmental section today I noted that society has become desensitized to the harm that all these things do. This will be added to that paragraph!

The mental health aspect is also true, it is easy to organize a social bike ride at anywhere in the city (obvious example: Critical Mass) and have people show up. I know that I wrote this down on one of my assignments but forgot all about it. I can also tie in examples of the best (in my opinion) neighborhood of Fort Worth. You make a good point about children growing up sedentary, but I don't think I could add that to THIS essay. Maybe next semester when I will write an essay on the importance of community spaces and d.i.y things though!

If all the solutions are not addressed in each section, I will add a fourth section discussing just that.

Right before I sat down to write this, I had a feeling it would be mostly about public transit, as bike commuting seems to be far-fetched to Texans that don't already ride. That's my main audience, the 2 other people in my class riding on two wheels ride motorcycles. Then when I actually looked at all the research I've done on the subject, it just makes more sense. I am really only organizing the thoughts of every bike commuter, and most of my information is just logic and common knowledge from first-hand experience. This is why I have very few citations in my essay so far.

ddrxero: It is rather generic, I admit. It was made up on the spot when my prof asked me to write my thesis statement for the class to examine, and I haven't seen the need to change it until my professor told us to do exactly what you demonstrated.

Quite frankly, I speak in statements. I will try to think of that from now on, but when I start writing I just type and don't look back.

Would you suggest I switch the places of paragraphs 1 and 2, combine them, or just leave it be?

I'm also using OpenOffice to type this, and will have to use Word on campus to insert all of my MLA citations. I'm not sure if it's OpenOffice or tumblr that made the quotation marks that way. This is English Comp I at community college, and my professor is really loose with grading. Your grammar tips have been helpful and will make changes but I'm pretty sure this work exceeds the standard anyways.

This essay is based on America's society, and most urban cities (if not all, hell if I know for sure. You can see this essay is racking my nerves trying to be so technical, haha) so I don't think having that amenity is a privilege, ESPECIALLY with truancy laws in place. It's more like a car pool to something every child has to do.

And don't stress yourself over my essay, I am grateful for the advice but its not worth suffering for!

[bmah]

That's ok. I sort of enjoy talking about stuff I can relate to.

And I see, if public transit in Texas (and not just bike riding) is the dominant subject of your article, definitely rat on about transit-oriented development.

http://www.transitorienteddevelopment.org/

Looking at your region:
- you should also consider light rails, such as Dallas's rapid transit, DART: http://www.dart.org/
- TOD in Fort Worth: http://www.mckinneytexas.org/uploade...ge/TOD-FAQ.pdf
- more

Other solutions I've mention ties into TODs. For instance, TODs are characterized by mixed-use communities (look it up), which by definition requires a degree of walkability. Same goes with zoning applications (look up on zoning). Zoning is a way to designate parcels of land to have a specific use; one can designate a special zone that emphasizes building codes to encourage greater walkability and more transit-oriented uses (e.g. DC1/DC2 zoning where DC = direct control by either the developer or the city) - e.g. the city designates an area to have DC1 zoning in order to be able to build things that normal building codes wouldn't allow, such as wider sidewalks and boulevards...which of course, would encourage more walking, biking, etc. (and would discourage the use of cars if the road becomes narrower as a result)

I'm basically applying transit from a planning perspective. Of course, there are other ways to encourage more public transit, such as advertising, funding events (as you've mentioned), put a greater emphasis on physical education in schools, and so on.

[ddrxero64]

Your paragraph structure is fine, but I'll look into the whole essay during the day. I came back from Boston recently, and I've been updating forums and typing like crazy. I rather proofread your stuff when I wake up, I'm so much more alert to errors. I also don't mind doing this, I do enjoy helping others in things like that. I only ask because it is pretty irritating to proofread an entire essay and not make it worth it. I can tell it's helping you, so I don't mind.

I tend to write very well naturally. For some reason I'm able to write continuously well without ever having to go back. Like the pokemon story I wrote based on well known members was very much for fun, but I wrote the entire series so far without ever going back and changing something. I'm quite surprised at this, I see people who write books that plan out the entire book before it's written. I just write whatever comes to mind, and it tends to connect well.

But my best piece of advice would be to look at your audience and read your essay out loud to them. This is a bit psychological, I even dumb down some of my essays or take out certain lengthy details for audiences that may not be so literate or patient.

2:30 am, I'll probably wake up late morning and proofread it again.

Edit: lol @ bmah replying at the same time as me haha

[Aldentron]

Alright guys, I decided to just steamroll along and make all my revisions when the work is actually complete (so I, you know, get a grade for it)
I just edited the new chapter on Environment into the same tumblr post, so the link is still the same as the OP. Check it out and let me know what you think!

[bmah]

Sounds good. I'll be away for a few weeks though, so I can't make any critiques. I'm sure xero'll still be around for some commentaries.

[ddrxero64]

Originally Posted by bmah

Sounds good. I'll be away for a few weeks though, so I can't make any critiques. I'm sure xero'll still be around for some commentaries.

fuuuu

I won't lie, I've been avoiding it lol. I've been doing tons of things, have about 200 hours of constant work on my to do list. Shaving off tasks one at a time.

Can you tell me when this is due? Or when you would prefer to get the critique by? I'll do it, and knowing how much time I have I can prioritize easier. But yea, I'll look over more when I can. I don't like half assing a task.

[Aldentron]

Oh I'm just posting this here to show it off, really. It's due next Wednesday, but I don't necessarily need a critique to help the grade, I'm confident I'm going to make an A on it anyway.

[Aldentron]

Thank you

[rushyrulz]

You're not supposed to use rhetorical questions in an argumentative essay. It's your job to tell the reader what to think, not make them think on their own.

[ddrxero64]

Originally Posted by rushyrulz

You're not supposed to use rhetorical questions in an argumentative essay. It's your job to tell the reader what to think, not make them think on their own.

Using the right techniques, you can attempt to spur certain thoughts. In the end, an argumentative essay is arguing a point, the ultimate goal is to have people support it. Treating people like they don't have a right to think may come through if handled a certain way. It's also good to address the counter argument. It's a form of being two steps ahead. In the end, you want to assume you made your point to the best of your ability, and you leave it up to the people who are reading who you do not control to make an informed decision.

Those are my thoughts.

[Aldentron]

My style of argument focuses on counterpoints. The common person thinks cars are good, I am trying to disprove that.

I took my essay off of my tumblr for the time being so that it wouldn't interfere when my professor does her plagiarism search or whatever. I will put the complete work up after it is graded, so if this essay has you hanging on the edge of your seat, I hope you will be able to wait a few weeks

Thank you everyone for your insight and advice, I appreciate it

[Aldentron]

I received a B, I'm happy with that because I really wrote this more for myself than anything and I was still able to pass my English Comp class. I uploaded the entire essay to my other blog that is cycling specific, the new link is in the Original Post so check it out!

[rushyrulz]

Good job!