Old 04-23-2018, 09:28 PM   #41
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Default Re: Mental illness thread

When I feel DP'D, i fucking go on a rampage and hate everyone for no reason
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Old 04-23-2018, 09:35 PM   #42
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I just feel alone. I have friends who care about me and a family that loves me, yet I still feel alone. I'm completely socially retarded. I've burned a lot of bridges over the years and some with people I'll have to see often. I want to repair those bridges, but people are stubborn (we both wronged each other, why can't they see it from the other side? Jesus fuck people).
I relate to this way more than I'd like to. Every I do I seem to purposefully make myself more and more isolated. I've burned at least two set bridges with two groups of friends. I really don't have any friends anymore. I moved out into an apartment, living alone. I avoid any type of social interaction. I hate being alone but I do this to myself and I don't know why.

I don't even know what I suffer from from. Probably depression, but it would be self-diagnosed and I don't trust myself to get things right.
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Old 05-7-2018, 07:31 PM   #43
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Default Re: Mental illness thread

Firstly, sorry for the long post. Secondly, I want to thank everyone who has shared things in this thread so far. Knowing you're not alone is an insanely powerful tool, more so than you realize.

Prologue:

I have depression including suicidal ideations as well as anxiety with panic attacks. The anxiety I have dealt with all my life — my dad died when I was 8 which exacerbated things, but my mother says she saw symptoms going back as far as kindergarten, and I remember panic attacks from at least 6th grade on.

Things took a turn for the worse last year when I entered a severe depressive episode, and had a bad interaction at work which led to me nearly steering my car into oncoming traffic (intentionally) on the way home. I subsequently lost my job because I no longer had the cognitive/emotional capacity to function as I did, and I spent around three months at the end of last year in a partial hospitalization program — intensive therapy for 6 hours a day, 5-6 days a week.

After the onset of this episode, I did two things that were meaningful to me.

#1: Once I knew I was going to be spending time in a mental health facility, I made this post on Facebook:

Quote:
Real talk time:

I’ve been suffering from depression for a while now. I am on medication but it has reached a point of severity where I am actively seeking psychiatric hospitalization. I will probably be going through intensive treatment for at least the next couple weeks, and my intention is to post and joke* about it as much as can.

Three reasons for this:

1. I want to be honest about myself and this has become an incredibly impactful force at this point in my life. To not talk about it would be to not mention the elephant in the room after it had already trampled three dinner guests and shat in the salad bowl.

2. Joking helps me deal. And I know I'm not alone in that regard. The Venn diagram of comedians with depression and comedians who use stage time as therapy is a circle.

3. I want to distigmatize, demystify, and normalize as much as I can. Yeah, there's a lot more talking about mental illness these days but there's also still a lot of stigma, misinformation, prejudice, assumption, and flat-out bullshit surrounding it.

Here's what's actually happening: I have a problem and am seeking treatment for it. No different than cancer or a broken leg. I'm lucky in that I have identified this problem (with the help of multiple doctors and some very supportive loved ones) before doing something that would harm myself and, in turn, those I care about. I expect to come out of this experience better, but with the understanding that these are problems I will have to deal with throughout my life. And the benefit to you all is you get to be friends with the guy who made it out of the loony bin.

I know this is heavy stuff so here's a joke to kick things off:

Knock knock.
Who's there?
I think I'm going to kill myself.
"I think I'm going to kill myself" who?
-silence-

*[Context: I perform standup comedy]


The result was an amazing outpouring of support, including people I hadn’t heard from in years messaging me to tell me they had gone through exactly what I was going through and/or that they would always be there if I needed someone to talk to. Obviously this type of broadcasting is not for everyone, but the underlying importance of reaching out cannot be understated. And I struggle with it a lot — I isolate, ignore, and push help aside. I wallow in loneliness. But I know that's something I have to actively combat, and there are tangible ways to do it. For example, I have a daily reminder in my phone that just tells me to make contact with someone that I know. Anybody. Whether it's in person, via phone, or just in the form of a text. It’s small, but it helps. I’m a firm believer in setting self-care goals that are not so large as to be overwhelming or so intangible as to be useless (“you just need to think more positively,” etc.).

#2: Last November, for my birthday, I got this tattoo:



If you haven’t seen it before, this is a reference to Project Semicolon. The idea is that in writing a semicolon can be used in lieu of a period, to continue on where a sentence might end. Thus, the semicolon stands for deciding to continue your story instead of ending it.

When I voiced the idea of getting it, one of my close friends who shares a lot of my experiences with mental illness asked something to the effect of, "Are you sure you want this permanently? These may be times you don't want to remember later on." I responded:

Quote:
I get where you’re coming from. But for me, it represents much more than just my own personal struggles. It’s a reminder that I can’t stop advocating for mental health care and awareness, and that even when I make it through this I still need to be as passionate about it as I am right at this moment.

And I also have to remember that I owe so much to so many supportive people that have helped and are helping me make it through these painful moments. It’s a reminder that I was lucky enough to get to continue my story, and now maybe I get to help someone continue theirs — someone who might not be able to on their own.

And while there are times of my life, both now and in the past, that I would love to erase from my memory forever, some of that pain is what drives me to help others, because I know what it’s like to feel like everything is hopeless and agonizing, and the only way out is to jump into the void.

If every time I look at my wrist I remember darkness then that will make me want to fight that much harder to spread the light.


For me, my depression manifests primarily in feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness. The hopelessness is probably the hardest to overcome when it hits. But the flip side of that is that it's easier for me to see worth and hope in others by comparison, so I realized that altruism could become a method for channelling my negative energy into outward momentum. I decided that a specific cause would allow for more focused acts, and for me, spreading mental illness awareness seemed like an obvious choice. So I've performed at and helped organize charity events, worked with my ex-girlfriend (a psychology pHd and professor with a focus on disability studies, as well as a depression sufferer) to develop educational content and workshops, and I do all the usual social media stuff as much as I can.

I’m not saying this to be self-aggrandizing — I’m not some great philanthropist, I can be as dumb and selfish and petty as the next guy. And I wouldn't call this type of selflessness perfectly healthy either, as I am effectively calling myself a lost cause. But having a purpose that gives me reason to turn my energy externally does stave off some of the darker moments and the net effect is ultimately positive.

Addendum — Three things to remember:

1. You can call the Suicide Hotline even if you're not suicidal. You won't get shipped off to an institution. If you just need to talk to someone, it's literally they're job to listen.

2. Mental illnesses are illnesses. Don't listen to anyone who says they aren't. Sometimes they require meds. Don't listen to anyone who says they don't.

3. One person’s treatment may not work for you, and vice versa. Try not to get discouraged, even if your search for treatment takes you through multiple medications/doctors/therapists/techniques/etc. I know the “lab rat” feeling very well. Remember that the people trying to help you are doing the best they can.

I could write more but I've probably far overstayed my welcome. I hope something here is helpful. Feel free to message me if you want. I'm a good listening ear.
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Old 05-7-2018, 10:20 PM   #44
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Default Re: Mental illness thread

1 werd, drugs
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Old 05-8-2018, 02:50 PM   #45
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Default Re: Mental illness thread

Growing up around all these mental illness treatments, I gotta say, most pharmaceuticals that are marketed to make mental illnesses better just end up making them worse. Like most things in life, if you are reliant on anything that comes from the outside to help what's on your inside your ability to naturally generate said internal processes will deteriorate. Though I've noticed psychoactives that appear in nature tend to be balanced along-side the brains of animals that have evolved along-side them over the millennia. Basically, I believe everything heals, mental and physical, though you have to know what you're absorbing, and guard your gates tenaciously.
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Old 05-8-2018, 05:05 PM   #46
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Growing up around all these mental illness treatments, I gotta say, most pharmaceuticals that are marketed to make mental illnesses better just end up making them worse. Like most things in life, if you are reliant on anything that comes from the outside to help what's on your inside your ability to naturally generate said internal processes will deteriorate. Though I've noticed psychoactives that appear in nature tend to be balanced along-side the brains of animals that have evolved along-side them over the millennia. Basically, I believe everything heals, mental and physical, though you have to know what you're absorbing, and guard your gates tenaciously.
have you ever heard of anhedonia
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Old 05-8-2018, 05:47 PM   #47
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Growing up around all these mental illness treatments, I gotta say, most pharmaceuticals that are marketed to make mental illnesses better just end up making them worse.
Citation needed.
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Old 05-9-2018, 02:33 AM   #48
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Citation needed.
Pharmaceutical companies aren't the type of industry to willingly disclose the statistics of how often their products fail or detriment the people prescribed them. In the same sense a car manufacturer would be reluctant to release the data on how often breaks fail or transmissions stall; It hurts sales and strays from their own interest.

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Old 05-9-2018, 03:06 AM   #49
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Pharmaceutical companies aren't the type of industry to willingly disclose the statistics of how often their products fail or detriment the people prescribed them.
Might be anecdotal evidence here but I'd say a large number of people who have tried/take anti depressants are well aware of how often a certain one doesn't work (aka none of them actually work, rip), but yea no actually concrete stats

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Old 05-9-2018, 08:25 AM   #50
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Default Re: Mental illness thread

Florida was the pharmaceutical capitol of the world about 6 years ago. The only real reference I have is my experience. And off-hand experience studying brain chemistry. Allergens, irritants and stimulants tend to be the biggest cause of the "new-age" disorders such as ADD, ADHD, OCD, sleep problems and depression. I also have massive clinical depression, ADHD and OCD, all of which I've figured out are bullshit and completely in my control. And I've never met a person who isn't. Now I can't talk about things like schizophrenia and autism, those are actual real mental disorders, and therefor almost impossible to actually medicate and mediate. And anhedonia, unless diagnosed from an early age, just sounds like a lack of dopamine balance from getting stuck in a pleasurable rut for too long and no longer enjoying what you used to.
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Old 05-17-2018, 11:06 AM   #51
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Default Re: Mental illness thread

A really fascinating idea, bicameral mind.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bica...sm_(psychology)
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Old 05-17-2018, 12:06 PM   #52
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Default Re: Mental illness thread

i'll share my personal experience in case it might help anyone else struggling and also anyone is welcome to personally message me:

i struggled with crippling depression and anxiety most of my life. i've been seeing a psychiatrist for 8 months and after years of trepidation, hesitation, fear, and doubts i started to cautiously try a medication lexapro. started with 2.5 mg and slowly increased and had a few symptoms like fatigue, diarrhea, increased anxiety at times, loss of appetite/sex drive. Also psychologically the feeling of taking medication made me feel like a huge loss of control psychologically just from thinking about the concept of free will/the human condition too much. it was rocky and after slowly increasing it cautiously with the help of my psychiatrist i've been stable on 20 mg, all the side effects are gone, and it has really helped me with my depression and anxiety. not only is this helping me but it really helps all the people around me too because i'm a better version of myself. i was cautious though i didn't just blindly trust the process to say the least, if anything i was overly neurotic about it but i'm aware of a trend of people being over prescribed in this industry and some things even making it worse. but anyway this was a positive experience for me and hopefully it helps other people think things through
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Old 05-17-2018, 05:19 PM   #53
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If I lose weight I'd probably end going through withdrawals of some of the meds I've been on as small amounts get dropped back into my bloodstream, which then triggers other parts of my body into thinking 'oh she's gonna be getting more of drug x, must compensate'
The body likes it's own homeostasis.
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Old 05-21-2018, 12:16 PM   #54
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When I find a song I really enjoy (listen to over and over for hours), it tends to amplify whatever emotions I am feeling at the time while the lyrics also contribute to my thoughts, and because I like the song, I listen to it for hours before eventually not liking the song as much anymore, or being so filled with emotion that I tire myself out (I realized this today).

Now, let me tell you an ironic story. A few years ago I tried to kill myself. I swallowed a lot of pills, but because of my internal anguish, I made a post about it on FFR. People on FFR called an ambulance for me, I survived, etc.

What caused all this was because a new song came out and it had amplified my emotions at a time when I was feeling very depressed, and I literally acted without rational thought and on emotions. The irony was that it was supposed to be an inspirational song (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BJPc49z57bU). In the song, it had a theme of "going all the way", at a time I was really really depressed, which I assume made me feel like going "all the way".

I realized this because two days ago I listened to an undertale song for hours, and I was filled with great happiness, I was excited because a graduation party was the next day, I was going to attend it even though I thought I might leave to go home early because of depression like the last party I went to.
The party came and went, I had a lot of fun, I was so glad. Two days later (today), I found a new song I really loved the melody and sounds of. When I had first heard it when it came out, I didn't want to listen to it, because I didn't like the lyrics (I wanna die, die die by Tom Ska), but today I randomly came across it again and decided to listen to it, as I am pretty much over my depression. I love the melody so much that I have been listening to it for the past hour.

As I was listening, I started remembering all the little things that happened at the party, things that I regretted saying or did, reflecting on what I should have said or done and what I am anxious about that could happen at the next party this Thursday, soon feeling a more intense regret.

Hearing this song talking about wanting to die, it has reminded me I don't enjoy existing. But at this point in my life I fear death, or more specifically, I fear the pain and sadness that comes with death. I have always feared pain, and after knowing the pain I felt from the suicide attempt, I have wanted to avoid dying as much as possible. Also, I recently went into a phase of being interested in watching people die (on the internet), and watching those people die, I felt sadness, empathy.. At that time it was cemented into me even more that death was painful, it is awful, I also felt the empathy that others would feel if I died, I saw that death is not something to want.

So it lead me to wonder, if I don't enjoy existing, and I don't want to kill myself, what do I do? I am somewhat inconclusive, but right now I am living in the moment as much as I can so I don't gather ruminating thoughts, always giving myself a short term purpose, not caring about the future until further notice.

Music will always be a large part of my life. I don't regret that suicide attempt I made while I was intoxicated on my emotions, I am thankful I acted then and there while I wasn't thinking straight, instead of making a different attempt after I eventually would have succumbed to my ruminating thoughts anyway, in which I would have been more likely to actually have died because I would have been able to think more clearly on more effective ways to end my life.

Basically, if I had not attempted when I did, I would have attempted sooner or later anyway, but with a more thought out attempt due to my thoughts not being clouded by my emotions so much, so I am glad I wasn't able to think straight at the time because of music, because I was able to avoid having to go through even more immense pain caused by a more well thought out suicide attempt.

TL;DR I love music and have come to terms with my depression because of music!
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Old 05-21-2018, 02:52 PM   #55
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So it lead me to wonder, if I don't enjoy existing, and I don't want to kill myself, what do I do?
Emocore. Take it to the next level.
Be extremely negative and antisocial.
Wear black and only talk about emotions.
Make blackmetal dumpfiles.
Let go of all your normal friends and get new, weird friends.
Turn every situation into an introspective emotional thing.
Eventually evolve into a treehugging freegan, get sterilized, grow corn, weave quilts, and spend the rest of your free time making society feel ashamed.
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Old 06-4-2018, 11:13 AM   #56
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I Dont know
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Old 06-4-2018, 11:15 AM   #57
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I can't even motivate myself to exist enough to fix my life, great, I give up, it never gets better

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Old 06-6-2018, 04:57 AM   #58
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Default Re: Mental illness thread

When you constantly feel like you're carrying the entire weight of your issues, it's going to feel like you're not doing anything for yourself significantly.

It's kind of like counting calories. You just have to do little things and to acknowledge that you did something good for yourself rather than nothing. Even if it's getting up and going for a walk or going to the store even if it's for a snack. Still. A flow of little goals goes a long way. Kind of have to just force yourself to do a few before you have any sort of momentum.

I've been trying to do that to keep myself focused. Because I know that basically it's a matter of focus for me, and acceptance. My mind is noisy and my inner dialogue bullies me mercifully. So bringing my attention to things that I can demonstrate have more real world importance helps bring me to a better place.

Aaaaaaa hugs to all

Edit: sorry I know this probably means nothing if you're depressed. I always forget how hard it is to really hear anything constructively when your brain refuses to signal dopamine to confirm positive feedback. You just have to make a plan and trust it.
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Old 06-7-2018, 05:38 PM   #59
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Default Re: Mental illness thread

i hope i dont fail.
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Old 06-7-2018, 11:49 PM   #60
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When you constantly feel like you're carrying the entire weight of your issues, it's going to feel like you're not doing anything for yourself significantly.

You just have to do little things and to acknowledge that you did something good for yourself rather than nothing.
Man, you said nothing new, and I needed to hear it anyways.
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