random poem, tell me if its good?

**gattsta** · 09-9-2007, 11:30 AM

this is just something i made up, tell me if its good or not please.

with the blink of an eye,
with the beat of a heart,
things can all end,
as quick as they start.

she had to leave,
when i was so young,
that day was so feared,
why my mom.

life goes on,
and so should I,
it's something to do,
it's something to try.

to see her in there,
just made me so sad,
but it was all easier,
because i had my dad.

shatteredgravity · 09-9-2007, 12:04 PM

some of the lines are definitely well thought out, and the topic of the poem is definitely poetry-worthy ^^ nice job -- you should probably keep this up

Tokzic · 09-9-2007, 12:24 PM

Pretty good; lines are simple but effective, rhyme scheme isn't forced at all. The rhythm could use some fixing though, it's rather inconsistant.

**gattsta** · 09-9-2007, 12:43 PM

thanks for the good comments....lol and if someone can guess the topic, like the exact reason i will give u 150 credits

Snowcrafta · 09-9-2007, 12:47 PM

There's no real flow or feeling to it - it sounds like you were just having a ****ty day and wrote some things down that rhymed.

Give up poetry

Infinity^ · 09-9-2007, 12:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Snowcrafta

There's no real flow or feeling to it - it sounds like you were just having a ****ty day and wrote some things down that rhymed.

Give up poetry

very subtle advice.

it wasnt that bad of a poem gattsta, dont listen to this.

also the topic is, your mom left you.

Snowcrafta · 09-9-2007, 12:54 PM

eat a dick ******

**gattsta** · 09-9-2007, 12:56 PM

nope your wrong, its not that my mom left me, close but not exactly it... and why critisize me i no im not the best but jeeze

Snowcrafta · 09-9-2007, 12:58 PM

You ASKED if it was good. You left the topic open to say that you sucked, but were hoping that everyone would be like "Oh my, I can just feel his inner agony and the darkness of his soul"

**gattsta** · 09-9-2007, 01:00 PM

nooo...i just put it up here cuz some ppl in my school thought it was good, so chill with the nasty comments like common your dissing a 14 year old

Snowcrafta · 09-9-2007, 01:01 PM

No, I'm teaching you a god damn lesson: Just because your friends think it's cool doesn't mean there's people out there that think you're a complete ****** for thinking it was.

YoshiSlayer · 09-9-2007, 01:02 PM

snowcrafta, wow u must have low self esteem if u need to rip on ppl online, i hope u die tonight when u slit ur wrists

but anyway, very nice poem, i liked it, keep it up

Snowcrafta · 09-9-2007, 01:03 PM

ya i have low self esteem brb taking ur advice LMFAO NOT GO EAT A DICK EMO KID

Wootsicle · 09-9-2007, 01:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Snowcrafta

You ASKED if it was good. You left the topic open to say that you sucked, but were hoping that everyone would be like "Oh my, I can just feel his inner agony and the darkness of his soul"

He asked if it was good, he didn't ask if you cared whether he should quit poetry or get better.
Just answer the damn question and don't be a dick about it, there's no need to try to get everyone in a thread to flame you for being an asshole to someone asking for advice.

And for the poem, did your mother go to jail?
I thought the poem was alright, but it needed a bit more flow to it. But I do agree, none of it seemed forced, which is essential in poetry.

Snowcrafta · 09-9-2007, 01:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wootsicle

He asked if it was good, he didn't ask if you cared whether he should quit poetry or get better.
Just answer the damn question and don't be a dick about it, there's no need to try to get everyone in a thread to flame you for being an asshole to someone asking for advice.

Maybe if I wasn't such a ****** like you I'd be able to understand your "Hey let's all get along jolly ranchers gummy bears and RAINBOWS FOR ALL!"

GuidoHunter · 09-9-2007, 01:52 PM

gattsta: poems go in the Lit forum. Read the forum index.

Also, read this announcement.

--Guido

http://andy.mikee385.com

imockthepea · 09-9-2007, 01:56 PM

Wow Snowcrafta, whats with dissing on people? I mean it's a good poem and some people let out their emotions with it. No reason to call him a ****** or something for that. Hope you realize bashing on a 14 year old is pointless, and if you do the same to me for backing him up, it still is pointless.

**ShastaTwist** · 09-9-2007, 02:13 PM

So, uh...

Am I late for the bashing?

I'm going to be honest, this poem was way blunt. Poetry is supposed to be flowing and nice and stuff, you were like...

"Why my mom?"

"But I had my dad."

Why not throw in a, "So it was all good"?

Infinity^ · 09-9-2007, 02:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ShastaTwist

So, uh...

Am I late for the bashing?

tits.

**ShastaTwist** · 09-9-2007, 02:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Infinity^

tits.

That's not me.

09-9-2007, 11:30 AM	#1
gattsta FFR Veteran Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Canada Age: 31 Posts: 320	random poem, tell me if its good? this is just something i made up, tell me if its good or not please. with the blink of an eye, with the beat of a heart, things can all end, as quick as they start. she had to leave, when i was so young, that day was so feared, why my mom. life goes on, and so should I, it's something to do, it's something to try. to see her in there, just made me so sad, but it was all easier, because i had my dad.

09-9-2007, 12:04 PM	#2
shatteredgravity FFR Player Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: lost, but not hopeless Age: 32 Posts: 95	Re: random poem, tell me if its good? some of the lines are definitely well thought out, and the topic of the poem is definitely poetry-worthy ^^ nice job -- you should probably keep this up

09-9-2007, 12:24 PM	#3
Tokzic FFR Player Join Date: May 2005 Location: TGB Age: 34 Posts: 6,878	Re: random poem, tell me if its good? Pretty good; lines are simple but effective, rhyme scheme isn't forced at all. The rhythm could use some fixing though, it's rather inconsistant. __________________ ~very popular guitar streamer~ Last edited by Tokzic: Today at 11:59 PM. Reason: wait what

09-9-2007, 12:43 PM	#4
gattsta FFR Veteran Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Canada Age: 31 Posts: 320	Re: random poem, tell me if its good? thanks for the good comments....lol and if someone can guess the topic, like the exact reason i will give u 150 credits

09-9-2007, 12:47 PM	#5
Snowcrafta V's beta-male entourage Join Date: May 2005 Location: Boise, ID Age: 36 Posts: 2,873	Re: random poem, tell me if its good? There's no real flow or feeling to it - it sounds like you were just having a ****ty day and wrote some things down that rhymed. Give up poetry __________________

09-9-2007, 12:54 PM	#7
Snowcrafta V's beta-male entourage Join Date: May 2005 Location: Boise, ID Age: 36 Posts: 2,873	Re: random poem, tell me if its good? eat a dick ****** __________________

09-9-2007, 12:56 PM	#8
gattsta FFR Veteran Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Canada Age: 31 Posts: 320	Re: random poem, tell me if its good? nope your wrong, its not that my mom left me, close but not exactly it... and why critisize me i no im not the best but jeeze

09-9-2007, 12:58 PM	#9
Snowcrafta V's beta-male entourage Join Date: May 2005 Location: Boise, ID Age: 36 Posts: 2,873	Re: random poem, tell me if its good? You ASKED if it was good. You left the topic open to say that you sucked, but were hoping that everyone would be like "Oh my, I can just feel his inner agony and the darkness of his soul" __________________

09-9-2007, 01:00 PM	#10
gattsta FFR Veteran Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Canada Age: 31 Posts: 320	Re: random poem, tell me if its good? nooo...i just put it up here cuz some ppl in my school thought it was good, so chill with the nasty comments like common your dissing a 14 year old

09-9-2007, 01:01 PM	#11
Snowcrafta V's beta-male entourage Join Date: May 2005 Location: Boise, ID Age: 36 Posts: 2,873	Re: random poem, tell me if its good? No, I'm teaching you a god damn lesson: Just because your friends think it's cool doesn't mean there's people out there that think you're a complete ****** for thinking it was. __________________

09-9-2007, 01:02 PM	#12
YoshiSlayer FFR Player Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: that one place Posts: 75	Re: random poem, tell me if its good? snowcrafta, wow u must have low self esteem if u need to rip on ppl online, i hope u die tonight when u slit ur wrists but anyway, very nice poem, i liked it, keep it up

09-9-2007, 01:03 PM	#13
Snowcrafta V's beta-male entourage Join Date: May 2005 Location: Boise, ID Age: 36 Posts: 2,873	Re: random poem, tell me if its good? ya i have low self esteem brb taking ur advice LMFAO NOT GO EAT A DICK EMO KID __________________

09-9-2007, 01:56 PM	#17
imockthepea FFR Player Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: New York Age: 34 Posts: 235	Re: random poem, tell me if its good? Wow Snowcrafta, whats with dissing on people? I mean it's a good poem and some people let out their emotions with it. No reason to call him a ****** or something for that. Hope you realize bashing on a 14 year old is pointless, and if you do the same to me for backing him up, it still is pointless. __________________ And the pea mocks me. AAA's to date- 2 Newest- Excite Bike

09-9-2007, 02:13 PM	#18
ShastaTwist FFR Veteran Join Date: Sep 2004 Age: 33 Posts: 599	Re: random poem, tell me if its good? So, uh... Am I late for the bashing? I'm going to be honest, this poem was way blunt. Poetry is supposed to be flowing and nice and stuff, you were like... "Why my mom?" "But I had my dad." Why not throw in a, "So it was all good"? Last edited by ShastaTwist; 09-9-2007 at 02:23 PM..

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