A poem that I had no idea what to title

kitkat9 · 04-3-2009, 06:07 PM

There is definitely parts in here that can use some revising. I really don't know how to fix it though. So I am posting it here hoping that I will get some feedback on how I can improve it.

Untitled

You are caught now, like a deer in headlights
You're stuck, you've been bound by your own fears.
You must break free or you will forever be condemned.

You can't say that a life isn't worth dying for,
And what if you gave it all and received nothing.
Would it really matter?

You've been waiting for this one day all your life,
it is nothing short of predictable that it is now presented.
But it is now that you must stop holding your head down,
You shant Give it up!
Get a hold of yourself now!
Or you might as well forget it all.

Can't you see, with each blow they become more powerless?
You must Dig deep within and find the courage to speak.
Are you really still bound by the fear?
Can't you speak or are you just doomed here?

You're there again, a deer in headlights.
You've given up.
To save your own life.

XxdragonhunterxX · 04-3-2009, 06:16 PM

thats pretty good

i think its cool

f2ppure · 04-3-2009, 07:12 PM

wow good job

. um for the poem title: how does "You shant give up" sound? i don't know, just a suggestion. hope that helps

kitkat9 · 04-3-2009, 09:27 PM

thanks a lot for the reply (and the profile vote) and I think You Shant Give Up will do splendidly. Thanks very much =)

Tokzic · 04-4-2009, 03:48 PM

Oh god, it's like every line has been taken from a song.

f2ppure · 04-4-2009, 06:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kitkat9

thanks a lot for the reply (and the profile vote) and I think You Shant Give Up will do splendidly. Thanks very much =)

cool

I'm glad I helped in someway

kitkat9 · 04-10-2009, 12:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tokzic

Oh god, it's like every line has been taken from a song.

But isn't poetry music?

NFD · 04-10-2009, 12:42 AM

Staring Like a Deer Caught in the Headlight - Ariel Morris

Also poetry is not music. Smart one.

kitkat9 · 04-10-2009, 01:08 AM

Like a deer in headlights is a very common simile.

And music that had lyrics started out as poetry with instruments! Smart one.

**1mpuls3** · 04-10-2009, 04:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NFD

Staring Like a Deer Caught in the Headlight - Ariel Morris

Also poetry is not music. Smart one.

True poetry is not music but music can be poetry

NFD · 04-10-2009, 04:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 1mpuls3

True poetry is not music but music can be poetry

And she was thing that true poetry is music, which is wrong.

**Flaming_Dingleberry** · 04-10-2009, 06:11 PM

I'm sure the problem wasn't that the lines sounded like they should be in a song, I think it's that they sound like they were taken out of songs that already came up with the lines.

kitkat9 · 04-10-2009, 06:18 PM

Look, this arguement can go on for forever and a day. I would appreciate it if it could just be dropped. This is my work I'm sorry if everyone else would like to think other wise.

If you have comments that could improve the poem then please make them.

**1mpuls3** · 04-10-2009, 09:45 PM

Why are "Give" and "Dig" capitalized? Are they important? If yes then why? If not then lowercase them.

DoctorSerpentine · 04-11-2009, 10:58 AM

name it dicks

mead1 · 04-11-2009, 10:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kitkat9

If you have comments that could improve the poem then please make them.

you could delete it

or write something that isn't stupidly cliche

GamerShadow · 04-12-2009, 12:08 PM

Half of this poem is from that Scary Kids Scaring Kids song. Learn to plagiarize.

You are caught now, like a deer in headlights
You're stuck, you've been bound by your own fears.
You must break free or you will forever be condemned.

You can't say that a life isn't worth dying for,
And what if you gave it all and received nothing.
Would it really matter?

You've been waiting for this one day all your life,
it is nothing short of predictable that it is now presented.
But it is now that you must stop holding your head down,
You shant Give it up!
Get a hold of yourself now!
Or you might as well forget it all.

Can't you see, with each blow they become more powerless?
You must Dig deep within and find the courage to speak.
Are you really still bound by the fear?
Can't you speak or are you just doomed here?

You're there again, a deer in headlights.
You've given up.
To save your own life.

**1mpuls3** · 04-12-2009, 06:20 PM

Hahahahahaha owned

Quote:

Originally Posted by GamerShadow

Half of this poem is from that Scary Kids Scaring Kids song. Learn to plagiarize.

You are caught now, like a deer in headlights
You're stuck, you've been bound by your own fears.
You must break free or you will forever be condemned.

You can't say that a life isn't worth dying for,
And what if you gave it all and received nothing.
Would it really matter?

You've been waiting for this one day all your life,
it is nothing short of predictable that it is now presented.
But it is now that you must stop holding your head down,
You shant Give it up!
Get a hold of yourself now!
Or you might as well forget it all.

Can't you see, with each blow they become more powerless?
You must Dig deep within and find the courage to speak.
Are you really still bound by the fear?
Can't you speak or are you just doomed here?

You're there again, a deer in headlights.
You've given up.
To save your own life.

NFD · 04-12-2009, 06:27 PM

What a lying bitch.

dorama · 04-12-2009, 07:09 PM

oh my god gamershadow lmfao

04-3-2009, 06:07 PM	#1
kitkat9 FFR Player Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: San Antonio ~!(210)!~ Age: 29 Posts: 87	A poem that I had no idea what to title There is definitely parts in here that can use some revising. I really don't know how to fix it though. So I am posting it here hoping that I will get some feedback on how I can improve it. Untitled You are caught now, like a deer in headlights You're stuck, you've been bound by your own fears. You must break free or you will forever be condemned. You can't say that a life isn't worth dying for, And what if you gave it all and received nothing. Would it really matter? You've been waiting for this one day all your life, it is nothing short of predictable that it is now presented. But it is now that you must stop holding your head down, You shant Give it up! Get a hold of yourself now! Or you might as well forget it all. Can't you see, with each blow they become more powerless? You must Dig deep within and find the courage to speak. Are you really still bound by the fear? Can't you speak or are you just doomed here? You're there again, a deer in headlights. You've given up. To save your own life.

04-3-2009, 06:16 PM	#2
XxdragonhunterxX FFR Player Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: houston, texas Age: 30 Posts: 24	Re: A poem that I had no idea what to title thats pretty good i think its cool __________________ the king of awesomeness has arrived, join the party

04-3-2009, 07:12 PM	#3
f2ppure FFR Player Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: A certain Longitude and Latitude Age: 32 Posts: 82	Re: A poem that I had no idea what to title wow good job . um for the poem title: how does "You shant give up" sound? i don't know, just a suggestion. hope that helps __________________ Playing style: original keys; one hand (three fingers); 1.25 speed imob and ivampire add meh 155-111-173 Shoulda Coulda Woulda Didnt

04-3-2009, 09:27 PM	#4
kitkat9 FFR Player Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: San Antonio ~!(210)!~ Age: 29 Posts: 87	Re: A poem that I had no idea what to title thanks a lot for the reply (and the profile vote) and I think You Shant Give Up will do splendidly. Thanks very much =)

04-4-2009, 03:48 PM	#5
Tokzic FFR Player Join Date: May 2005 Location: TGB Age: 34 Posts: 6,878	Re: A poem that I had no idea what to title Oh god, it's like every line has been taken from a song. __________________ ~very popular guitar streamer~ Last edited by Tokzic: Today at 11:59 PM. Reason: wait what

04-10-2009, 12:42 AM	#8
NFD FFR Player Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: I see us on a beach down in, Mexico Age: 30 Posts: 4,715	Re: A poem that I had no idea what to title Staring Like a Deer Caught in the Headlight - Ariel Morris Also poetry is not music. Smart one. __________________

04-10-2009, 01:08 AM	#9
kitkat9 FFR Player Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: San Antonio ~!(210)!~ Age: 29 Posts: 87	Re: A poem that I had no idea what to title Like a deer in headlights is a very common simile. And music that had lyrics started out as poetry with instruments! Smart one.

04-10-2009, 06:11 PM	#12
Flaming_Dingleberry Everybody gets one. Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Fuckin space bro Posts: 1,008	Re: A poem that I had no idea what to title I'm sure the problem wasn't that the lines sounded like they should be in a song, I think it's that they sound like they were taken out of songs that already came up with the lines.

04-10-2009, 06:18 PM	#13
kitkat9 FFR Player Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: San Antonio ~!(210)!~ Age: 29 Posts: 87	Re: A poem that I had no idea what to title Look, this arguement can go on for forever and a day. I would appreciate it if it could just be dropped. This is my work I'm sorry if everyone else would like to think other wise. If you have comments that could improve the poem then please make them.

04-10-2009, 09:45 PM	#14
1mpuls3 Impulsive By Nature Join Date: Jul 2007 Age: 34 Posts: 340	Re: A poem that I had no idea what to title Why are "Give" and "Dig" capitalized? Are they important? If yes then why? If not then lowercase them. __________________

04-11-2009, 10:58 AM	#15
DoctorSerpentine Banned Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 412	Re: A poem that I had no idea what to title name it dicks

04-12-2009, 12:08 PM	#17
GamerShadow FFR Player Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: In my Dungeon Age: 32 Posts: 2,534	Re: A poem that I had no idea what to title Half of this poem is from that Scary Kids Scaring Kids song. Learn to plagiarize. You are caught now, like a deer in headlights You're stuck, you've been bound by your own fears. You must break free or you will forever be condemned. You can't say that a life isn't worth dying for, And what if you gave it all and received nothing. Would it really matter? You've been waiting for this one day all your life, it is nothing short of predictable that it is now presented. But it is now that you must stop holding your head down, You shant Give it up! Get a hold of yourself now! Or you might as well forget it all. Can't you see, with each blow they become more powerless? You must Dig deep within and find the courage to speak. Are you really still bound by the fear? Can't you speak or are you just doomed here? You're there again, a deer in headlights. You've given up. To save your own life. __________________ Note to self Finish. Last edited by GamerShadow; 04-12-2009 at 12:11 PM..

04-12-2009, 06:27 PM	#19
NFD FFR Player Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: I see us on a beach down in, Mexico Age: 30 Posts: 4,715	Re: A poem that I had no idea what to title What a lying bitch. __________________

04-12-2009, 07:09 PM	#20
dorama Banned Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 87	Re: A poem that I had no idea what to title oh my god gamershadow lmfao

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