Old 02-2-2018, 11:13 PM   #1
sweet2kill210
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Default [University - Engrish] Feedback On My Report Please?

I was hoping some of you kind people would help me with improving my writing by providing any feedback on my report. I was specifically wanting help with making sure my intro is solid, it is clear throughout, and that it flows well when I am changing topics.

I had to write a report on a specialization I am interested in in my chosen field (Psychology) and several other things were required in the report. If you want to know more about what was required, below is what the professor wanted specifically:

Overview
Research types of specializations which interest you the most in your chosen field. Choose the specialization that holds the most interest for you, and draft a report which provides an introduction to that particular specialization, including an explanation of why that specialization is of interest to you. A good place to start your research is O*Net OnLine, which provides detailed information about occupations in a variety of different fields.


Labor Requirements
* An APA Title Page
* A detailed description of the specialization, including: the types of education required, the types of out-of-classroom experience required, and employment options for someone with that specialization.
* An overview of the day-to-day life of someone with that specialization, including: Types of people they might work with, types of projects they might develop, and types of writing they might do.
* A detailed discussion of why that specialization is of interest to you, including: the type of position you would like to acquire in the future, why that position is of interest, and what steps you need to take to acquire that position.



Any feedback is appreciated, no matter how small.

Edit: link was removed because the report was submitted and I don't care to get any more feedback on this report. It also had Personally Identifiable Information in it so I didn't want the link being up forever. I probably should've edited out my personal details looking back on it now, lol.
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Last edited by sweet2kill210; 02-4-2018 at 02:13 AM.. Reason: Google Doc link removed to protect privacy.
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Old 02-3-2018, 12:52 AM   #2
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Default Re: [University - Engrish] Feedback On My Report Please?

Did a quick markup of things that stuck out to me on the first read through, will look at it more closer later after my own school work.
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Old 02-3-2018, 01:34 AM   #3
sweet2kill210
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Default Re: [University - Engrish] Feedback On My Report Please?

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Originally Posted by Soundwave- View Post
Did a quick markup of things that stuck out to me on the first read through, will look at it more closer later after my own school work.
Thanks man, you were super helpful with catching my redundancies and making it more concise which also helps clarity.

Writing has never been my strong point, haha.
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Old 02-3-2018, 09:19 AM   #4
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Default Re: [University - Engrish] Feedback On My Report Please?

honestly i feel like alot of things are irrelevant or are like, meaningless statements. ill just be straightforward with an example:

ex. 1
Quote:
When I heard about this I started using an app called Twilight on my phone at least an hour before bed that turns off the blue pixels of my smartphone’s screen but still allows the other colored pixels to light up. Since I started using Twilight, I fall asleep more quickly. I hope to either find a job in a laboratory setting to help with research or perhaps a clinical setting.

To me, this is like, a very stark transition between ideas. Just things like this in general - I find with writing, it's better to be concise, and have every statement matter. You just need to work on your transitions and such I feel, I dunno

I personally would have like, written about how many applications in general are developed for things like this, and then briefly mentioned the specific one you used.. I'm getting too distracted but then you could like, transition into what you want to do by saying how despite application development being blah blah blah, you would rather work in a laboratory setting because... etc

edit: With writing, just think of it like this - every single sentence or statement should have an explicit reason for being there, and actually add something to the topic.

Last edited by Dinglesberry; 02-3-2018 at 09:26 AM..
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Old 02-4-2018, 02:10 AM   #5
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Default Re: [University - Engrish] Feedback On My Report Please?

Just wanted to let everyone know the report was turned in. All the feedback was much appreciated.
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Old 02-4-2018, 10:52 AM   #6
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Default Re: [University - Engrish] Feedback On My Report Please?

Well if you need help in the future with editing essays just message me in Discord. I happen to be an English major so it would be mutually beneficial lol
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