Flash Flash Resistance

[iPatcH]

if this was any cheesier I would be sprinkling it in my chili

[-zeroSKILL-]

lmfao, I love it. Keep it going BISH

[Svaz]

Originally Posted by qrrbrbirbel

[...]If you don't like the story, please explain why, like KgZ. Stuff like "fanfic" doesn't really help me improve. This is my first story, so constructive criticism is VERY helpful.[...]

Okay.

The most painful element to me is the vocabulary/dialogue. While I understand it's supposed to be funny, it feels contrived and poorly implemented overall. Some of it is possibly due to myself being utterly anal about grammar (which isn't terrible actually, but it could use some editing). The names of the factions are unpleasant to me. I realise they're intended to harken to FFR as a game in a witty fashion, (fingers, etc) but it falls short of actually doing so.

The fight scenes, especially the earlier ones, are awkward. The format they were written in was some strange fusion of narrative and RPG proceedings, using damage points and what have you. Perhaps a better way of communicating this would be to have all fights occur in front of a crowd (perhaps some formalities could be exchanged before a battle, thereby enticing passersby to observe) and have them react to the winners/losers (or simply just the protagonists) accordingly.

[qrrbrbirbel]

Originally Posted by Svaz

Okay.

The most painful element to me is the vocabulary/dialogue. While I understand it's supposed to be funny, it feels contrived and poorly implemented overall. Some of it is possibly due to myself being utterly anal about grammar (which isn't terrible actually, but it could use some editing). The names of the factions are unpleasant to me. I realise they're intended to harken to FFR as a game in a witty fashion, (fingers, etc) but it falls short of actually doing so.

The fight scenes, especially the earlier ones, are awkward. The format they were written in was some strange fusion of narrative and RPG proceedings, using damage points and what have you. Perhaps a better way of communicating this would be to have all fights occur in front of a crowd (perhaps some formalities could be exchanged before a battle, thereby enticing passersby to observe) and have them react to the winners/losers (or simply just the protagonists) accordingly.

Thanks, I'll try to work on these! I usually have my co-writer passivegirl proofread it before it goes into actual submission, but she wasn't available for chapter three. As to the battle system I think I'll start leaning more towards the RPG fashion and not try to focus so much on the dialogue.

[GamerShadow]

Unfortunately, I have to post with a bias view, seeing as I did author FFR: The Phantom Challenge. That doesn't stop me from voicing my opinion, though.

Quite frankly, I think it needs a lot of work. References are all misplaced and awkward. Some sentence rephrasing needs to be re-done. The fact that the main characters are fighting songs is kinda lame in my opinion. I understand that its supposed to be like people playing the game, but it just seems cheesy and the implementation is weak.

Spend some time thinking about how your story works. If you need some inspiration, I believe there is a short arrow fight in my story between Shash and Engler in Chapter 10. It should be somewhat similar to your story.

[The_Halomaster]

Lolz, I know people are saying the quotes are cheesy but they are quite funny - unless this is being compared to someone else's story.
Well w/e, I like it - keep writing !

[Svaz]

Halomaster, out of all the places to make your first post, why would you choose this topic?

[The_Halomaster]

Lolzorz, it just so happens that this is more or less the first place i've ever been on the forum (apart from "how to get skill tokens").
And I kinda liked the story cos it was randomzorz, and I felt like posting and stuff.... :-\

[qrrbrbirbel]

Chapter 4 is in the making. I have today off, so I should be able to finish and post it by tonight.

[-zeroSKILL-]

Where is chapter 4 D:

[qrrbrbirbel]

Hey all, I just want you to know that the story isn't dead, the writer just has writer's block! I will try to have chapter 4 up by the end of the weekend. Sorry for having all of you wait

[dancingcactus27]

wow, nice story... it's is kinda weird but i like it

[xinpig]

Great story.

[ShAiOnEi]

What is this? Internet forum stories about the internet forums? 8O what?!

[qrrbrbirbel]

Chapter 4 WILL be up within the hour. Just putting the finishing touches on it. Until then, here's a little side project loosely linked to the story. It'll be a dream diary of Shash. Anyways, here it is.

"Woe to thee that would use us for not only Revolution Deathsquad, but for Little God Channel as well! With not a second thought to our well-being, you cast us into the oblivion of arrows, rife with pain and anguish. With our power comes a price, AND THAT PRICE SHALL BE YOUR BLOOD!" Cried my fingers in rebellion after I carelessly created a concerto with my callused companions long into the night. And my blood they did take, metaphoric as it was, as random goods and countless amounts of boos scrolled down my screen whilst I sat there, dumbfounded and dismal.

[Ratchetlombax]

Death Piano...the ultimate villain...
Awesome idea.

[revolutionomega]

Cool idea but I agree that some stuff could've been done better such as battling other ffr'ers. But some people are being too negative, look at the idea as a whole and how it can be entertaining through sheer cheese. Not everything needs to have a 10-pt. req. to work.

[qrrbrbirbel]

Dylan is currently without computer, he has finished Chapter 4 and will have it up ASAP.

regards,
-zeroSKILL-

[qrrbrbirbel]

Chapter 4: Tuesday's Coming, Did You Bring Your Salad?

Spirits were high within the Resistance as of late. The Shashian trio, which comprised of Brad, Eileen, and Seth, had never lost a battle. Each encounter they rode into on their proud and gallant segways ended up in complete and utter victory. Gloating was an understatement to describe what the twins did after each victory. For every tea-bagging there was a witty or not-so-witty one-liner that followed. Brad, on the other hand, did not join in the twins celebratory debauchery, his stereotypical vision increasing in frequency and intensity.

What is this heeby-jeeby feeling I get awakening from these visions, drenched in sweat and popping a tent in my sheets? What do these visions mean? Are they messages from Shash, or perhaps even Death Piano himself? Or am I just coo coo for Coco Puffs? Brad thought to himself whilst absentmindedly polishing off the few survivors of Comduream's forces. He looked over to see Seth and Eileen taking Myspace pictures with the decapitated and desecrated corpses that were alive and fighting just seconds ago. Brad smiled; he was glad that this whole ordeal wasn't affecting them much. I mean we are still just kids, aren't we? He pleaded silently to his god. Why is it us tweens and teens that must defend our land, our birthright, our Phalangea? Seth is dry-humping an enemy whom he's just gutted like a fish when he should be in school, attempting to describe to his English teacher why each and every one of his essays have his phone number and 'call me bby' in bold on the front page. Eileen should be fending off sexual advances from creepy guys, not sword blows from grotesque beings. He sighed and stood there, deep in thought on his segway the whole ride home.

As if in answer to his ominous thoughts, Brad and the others were greeted with a most urgent distress plea from Nuon headquarters.

"Dan!" Eileen exclaimed, worried for her friend's safety. Realizing her emotions were getting the best of her, she quickly recovered. "What's the situation?

"Well it seems that the newest commander has decided to rear his....it's ugly head." Seth calmly added.

The three had feared that DP would send out his next commander within the next few weeks. Attacks had crawled nearly to a halt, and resistance from the enemy was minimal. Just what terrors this new commander would bring the three they did not know, but they knew Brian and Dan needed their help.

"ETA 2 hours Nuon base. Hold out for as long as you can, over." Brad messaged across state.

".....Roger that Synth, circumstances don't look favorable, haste in getting here would be much appreciated, over." Dan replied.

"Ten four, over and out." Brad closed the com-link and began making preparations for him and his companion's departure.

The Armageddon theme should have been playing that day. For no reason whatsoever, Brad, Eileen and Seth got ready for battle in the most epic way possible. Everyone's hair did that cool flippy-thingy, Brad and Seth had many freeze-frame high fives and encouraging pats on the back. Brad and Eileen, on the other hand, exchanged those romantic-type looks, with 'everything is going to be okay' subliminally behind their eyes.

Preparations nearly complete, Seth gathered his two companions and gave an inspirational speech.

"What happens today on that battlefield will be decided by our strength, teamwork, and will to completely obliterate everything that stands between us and our comrades." he said, voice leaking courage into his listener's ears. "Everything we have fought up until this point does not come close to how important this fight is. First they attack our world, and now our few friends they have left us?! Well I say we use this opportunity to show them just how much anger we have harbored. For all of the sorrow that they have caused and all of the future sins they will commit, we shall make them pay tenfold."

Hearing his commanding speech, Brad and Eileen felt courage welling up inside of them. Also, there was that feel-good feeling after everything works out in a chick flick. The combination of the two emotions sent all three of them into a state of battle rage and euphoria. Hearts pumping and eyes blazing with the vengeance of their fallen comrades as well as their own, the three set out on a march....er....segway to the battle that lay ahead.

An hour passed before the trio reached their destination. They nearly lost their resolve at the sight which now flooded their eyes. Death and destruction lay scattered about the tattered remains of Nuon HQ. Small fires were lay here and there, bodies scorched and burned left a cruel stench in the air. Off in the distance, they could see the last of the HQ's forced holed up inside a building that was near collapse.

"Make a run for it," Seth ordered, "if we can catch them off guard we might be able to save a few more lives."

So they dashed to the scene as fast as their legs could take them, and thrust themselves, hard, into the heated action. Bloodthirsty cries ringing through their enemies ears, the team struck with ferocity and and speed, tearing through the foes that stood before them like bear-sharks, giving the enemy little time to cherish the few moments of standing they had left.

"OHAI!" Brian and Dan shouted in unison. Their teamwork was astonishing. Blending fist and staff as if it were milk and cereal. Brian's fists were a blur of unpredictable swings, fueled by the ridiculous amounts of alcohol running through his blood. Dan accompanied him in perfect harmony with his twin staves, the Staff of Aeros and Elements, shooting lighting with one and sending arrows into skulls with the other.

"Good to see you two alive," Brad said, a smile creasing his face. "Didn't think you'd last this long without us coming to save your asses."

"Ad if we eben needed your halp" Brian managed to say between hiccups. "You donn eben know what therrr is ta know about anyding, 'kay mans and womans?" The rest of the bunch couldn't help but laugh as Brian unintentionally lifted everyone's spirits using the spirited he had imbibed long before the battle had started.

It took the group a good twenty minutes before the enemies' forces were reduced to what should have been a manageable size. Apparently, the new commander though otherwise.

"THAT IS QUITE ENOUGH!" She boomed. The voice was clearly feminine, yet the entire group felt like they had just been cockslapped. Their resolve and egos that had built up within the last twenty minutes were immediately erased. Brian even wet his pants, but for completely different reasons.

"Who's zish bish tryin to tell ush to do." Brian sputtered. "You're not my mom or nuffin, shut your mouf and go back to da kishen." He immediately regretted his decision for bring a woman joke into this fight. Thousands of tiny arrows shot our of her eyes and descended with frightening speed onto the unsuspecting drunken master. Blended and served with a lime, Brian fell to the ground.

"Do you see now why your little 'resistance' is futile?" She condescendingly spat at the five friends, four of which were conscious. "No matter how hard you try you can't stop us now, and you never will. Villains rule, heroes drool, end of story. I am Tuesday VonSalaid, and you will not leave this place alive."

"Ahhhh it really is a shame that you don't get it." Brad chuckled, causing this mystery commander's eyes to flare bright red. "Though it may look like there is no hope, no possible way of continuing the finger race, if we hope against hope there is no possible way we can lose. Sure some of us will die fighting, gladly, to ensure this alternate fate becomes reality, but in the end it will be YOU who needs to hope against hope. Our resolve cannot be broken, will not be broken by the likes of you!" His speech sent shivers of either excitement or fear down the spine of everyone that was listening.

"Move." Seth commanded, and the other three needed nothing more to set them in motion. Blending like a perfectly mixed cocktail, the four of them left bittersweet tastes in the remaining forces of VonSalaid as they hacked, slashed, magicked, and speared their way through to the commander herself.

Then the time came when VonSalaid was the only foe standing between the team and complete victory. The team charged with their usual strategy in mind, expecting to make quick work of yet another of DP's commanders. The shock and awe that would continue throughout the whole fight started at that moment.

VonSalaid unleashed a frighteningly strong attack on the charging team. Her slender figure housed a surprising amount of power. Using a combination of monk-like speed, quick-firing spells and controlled strength, she made quick work of the team's first attack.

The battle raged for one long hour before the group was forced to regroup. Exhaustion painted each of their faces; grim thoughts of losing the fight constantly pounding their courage and will from their bodies.

"We know she can use three types of attacks." Eileen deduced, sure that her three comrades still able to move had come to the same conclusion. "We need to focus on understanding each attack individually, then from there, counter each one by itself. Charging her head on is not working, nor is distracting her with arrows and magic."

Understanding this, Brad, Seth, and Dan started talking battle plans with her, hastily trying to find a way to turn the tide of battle. This was rather difficult, however, as VonSalaid was not a typical villain. She continued pressing her attack, forcing the heroes to shout their strategies whilst fending for their very lives. This proved rather ineffective as VonSalaid heard every word and would attack whoever had the best idea at the time. This being said, Eileen was having the hardest time out of the four.

"This isn't working!" Brad shouted, not able to bear seeing Eileen endure any more pain. With surprising vigor, he lept towards VonSalaid, who was currently grappling the strength-drained Eileen. Somehow, either through luck or skil, he managed to break VonSalaid away from Eileen. Not giving VonSalaid a chance to counter, he followed up with a barrage of attacks.

Unable to withstand his attacks head on, VonSalaid was forced to retreat and regain her composure. "Filthy pig!" she managed to sputter through her rage, realizing that she was shedding blood. "N...NOBODY MAKES ME BLEED MY OWN BLOOD!"

Her one-tough-bitch attitude is all show... Eileen realized, hearing the pieces o the puzzle click in place inside her head. She smiled and directed a leer toward her foe and began to inform her friends.

"I wouldn't speak if I were you, worthless cur." VonSalaid boasted, leaving Eileen bedazzled for once.

In grim realization, eileen and the others saw what dirty trick VonSalaid was playing. In her hands she held the still unconscious Brian, a knife dangerously close to his throat.

"I double-dog dare you to say one more thing butter-face." VonSalaid cackled. "One wrong move and this boy will never see another sunrise."

Eileen shuffled a step closer to test this threat, causing the knife VonSalaid was holding to draw blood.

"S...stop it!" She cried, falling to her knees in tears. "J...just let us go. We'll leave this HQ to you! You can have the stupid thing if it's that important to you, just please don't kill him!"

"Pfffft, as if you had a choice as to whether you're leaving this place alive or not!" VonSalaid countered. "Even if you managed to drag this fight on any longer, one of you would have ended up dying anyway!"

A lightbulb suddenly turned on inside of Brad's head. These dreams... there weren't of my future, they were of my friends'! I...know what I must do Shash...

"That's enough out of your mouth you three-chinned window-licker." Brad taunted. "You don't have half the brains needed to kill us. In fact, it's a wonder you even know what a hostage is let alone how to take one."

"YOU! HOW DARE YOU INSULT ME!?" VonSalaid burst, barely able to form coherent sentences through her gritting teeth. "I WILL SHOW YOU THE EXTENT OF MY KNOWLEDGE BY TEARING YOUR ORGANS OUT ONE BY ONE IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER!"

Brad looked puzzled, as if awakening from some sort of dream and questioned, "Oh I'm terribly sorry, were you talking? I kinda spaced out when I heard your voice. I guess I have selective hearing towards beings with intelligences greater than that of a fork."

VonSalaid snapped. She went absolutely ape****. Eyes glowing bright red, she sprinted towards her instigator, dropping her now forgotten hostage.

"Brad...you fool!" Eileen screamed, her words filled with anguish, fearing what was about to come. He simply smiled, the same 'everything will be alright' look in his eye from earlier, and motioned the rest of them to run. Seth, understanding his best friends' last wishes, practically had to drag Eileen from the scene to escape in time. As they learned later, it was a good thing they did, for VonSalaid made good on her promise to Brad.

Back at Synth HQ

"Why didn't you do something?!" Eileen managed to screech at Seth through her grief and tears. "He was your best friend! You grew up together! And you just leave him there to die?! You.....you......." She continue no longer, her sobs took control of her body and mind.

"We had no choice!" Seth retorted, despair ever present in his words. "You know how stubborn he is.....was. Once he gets an idea into that thick head of his, there's no changing his mind!"

Up in the heavens, Shash watched with a heavy heart. Things were happening sooner than he had predicted. He did not want to reveal what would turn the tide of this battle quite yet, but it looked like there was no other choice. Leaving the comfort of his Laz-E Boy, he descended into the battle-wrought world.

"What are we going to do?" the distraught warrior offered, practically cuing Shash's entrance.

"We are going to turn the scale in our favor, that's what." the god boomed, causing heads to turn.

"SHASH!" the four replied in unison.

"Brad's demise was very unfortunate, however, there was nothing you could have done considering what you were up against." he said, addressing all of them, yet making a point to look straight at Eileen during that last part.

"The gods, including me, are not allowed to influence the actions or abilities of those we create. DP has broken this creed, first by opening portals between this world and his own, and second by enhancing the being you just fought. He interfered the second you figured out VonSalaid's weakness, Eileen, and his pride would not allow him to lose yet another fight." The four of them sat motionless, absorbing Shash's words. Waves of despair still washed over Shash, however, keying the arrival of his 'tide-turners'.

"Since DP has begun influencing his minions, which will make him considerably weaker for some time, I will take no penalty to myself and conscience by helping my warriors. May I present to you your new weapons." With a snap of his fingers, Shash summoned his two battle suits. They looked like hands with no fingers, and were about as tall as the fingers that were about to receive them.

"What are these things" Seth questioned, the only one of them that could still speak.

"They are specially made battle suits." Shash explained. "They will increase the trait strongest within it's user. Seth would become stronger, Eileen able to shoot farther with greater accuracy, Dan's magic power would be increased exponentially, while Brian would....well he would be even more unpredictable in his movements. Unfortunately, that same creed will not allow me to remain here for much longer. However, remain strong and never let your will break! As for me, I'm gonna go pimp slap some sense into DP so he shouldn't be troubling you for a while. Use that time wisely and train with your new toys. Peace man."

Shash proceeded to poof out of their world, leaving them with a sliver of hope. Thankfully, that's all heroes every need to win the fight in the end.

[1mpuls3]

Yeah im pwnin thugs up down in Nu0n HQ. what now homeboys