Ripple

[travman301]

Hi all. So, I've been up for about 24 hours and a sudden idea for a short story popped into my head. I've decided to write out the first chapter and post it here for critique.

Go ahead and tell me if you want me to post the next chapter. I also apologize in advance for any grammatical errors in it. As I said, I'm pretty tired and it that comes along with the package. I'll read it over tomorrow and fix little things. Also later chapters will probably be much longer if they are desired. Take this as an intro.

Without further ado...

Chapter 1: Disorentation

A misplaced urgency gradually coaxed my eyelids to open. As they did so, the subtlety and general stillness of rest was substituted with light. Blinding light.


One might say the overall effect was nearly sublime. Although my head protested by delivering moderate tinnitus as I slowly lifted my body off the floor. The light source became apparent nearly immediately. Matter of fact, as I panned the room, a temperate glowing yellow light shone from all of the walls that surrounded me.


The profile of the room accented this light. The walls seemed to be made of four opaque, conjoining plexiglass panels whose purpose, it seemed, was to act as a medium to this glowing yellow light.


As I fully rose to my feet, I noted that the floor was of the same make as the four walls surrounding me. Yellow radiated upwards, teasing my retinas, as I gazed down. Naturally, the next place to look was up. Not to deride the decorum of the rest of the small room, the ceiling passively displayed the yellow hue.


The initial mesmerization that had been cast upon me soon deteriorated into the bewilderment that accompanies any good epiphany. “Where the **** am I?”, was the singular thought running through my head as I suddenly became aware of my physical self.


A hand reached up to meet a stubble laden chin. Tussled hair accompanied my apparent features which were completely unknown to me, as there was no reflective surface in the cube-like territory I occupied. Blood rushed to the extremities that happenstance declared dormant.


Looking down to my torso, I noted my garments. A plain shirt with a pocket over my heart mimicked the yellow illuminations surrounding me. Upon closer inspection it appeared to be completely white. A thin pair of cargo pants completed my ensemble, also mischievously mocking the yellow hue of the room. I was seemingly without shoes as my feet clawed at the planar, cold surface of the ground.


Unable to discern a feasible exit, I retreated to a more latent position. Easing back against the nearest wall, I propped myself up. The yellow backing engulfed my profile. The undeniable aroma of a sterile workplace wafted hints to my nostrils, and the ringing in my head faded into the room as I started out into endless yellow.

[rzr]

You have a very large vocabulary, my friend. This first chapter was very articulate. You also have knack for description. You used the right adjectives to help me understand things. The problem was, there were too many. Don't fal into the typical pitfall of making it so descriptive the reader loses interest. I'd like to see a bit more of the setting and the main character. Try to trim out some of the run-onness to keep my interest flowing, and sprinkle in a little action. Good start.

[dore]

It's overdone; a dude in a sterile cube isn't going to talk like that, he's going to be scared ****less. Your writing style would be alright if the piece was in third person, but since it's in first person it just makes it look pompous and unbelievable.

I can't really comment on the content since so far. You've just established the setting and the situation with almost no plot. (I'm not saying that's bad, just that it's incomplete so that critiquing it would be pointless.)

also disorentation