my first story rofl

[robertsona]

plz be nice haha.
I didn't check this over, and it is just a rough story.
i'll probably continue.

Feet shuffle. Running. Go go go. We keep our heads down, constantly turning, looking for Guards. When we finally reach the house we are so tired we need to sit down for a minute, panting. The house is a faded white; one of the few wooden houses still around. It's door is dark green, it's doorknob a rusted gold. “Well?” someone asks. I step up the three concrete steps. When I reach the top, I put my ear to the door. After a few seconds, I give a thumbs-up to the rest of the group. I take out my beam gun and point it in front of me. With the other hand, I slowly turn the doorknob and open the door.

I use the flashlight on my gun to look around. Clear. Another thumbs-up. We enter the house. I keep my flashlight on while I look around for valuables. Jewels on a table. Swipe. Stuff into pocket. I and a few others enter the room to the left while the rest enter the room to the right. File cabinet to the right. Open drawers, bottom up, as always. Nothing but papers. “Hey man!” someone shouts. I look around. I see him looking at me. I come over to him. He is standing over a table, looking down at it. There's a sniper rifle on the table. “Is it loaded?” I ask. He flips the gun over. No clip. “Nope.” he answers. “Leave it.” I say.

Just after I say that I hear a high-pitched siren and see a red light flashing. “This is the Guard Police. Step out or we will kill you.” “Oh ****,” I say. “Oh ****. Run.” I point my beam gun at the window and pull the trigger. The window smashes into a million pieces. We all jump out. We look around and don't see any Guards until about ten seconds, where we see them chasing us. Feet shuffle. Running. Go go go.

[Destatsi]

The plot wasn't that bad. Need's better verb's, and you should break it into paragraphs. A bit hard to read a wall of text.

[robertsona]

actually, i'll do that
ps :cyberpunk:
EDIT: weirdly spaced it in random places but whatever

[RubiedCross]

Wow I just typed up a huge thing for this and firefox just crashed I'll type again I guess haha.

The setting: Future (2xxx?), main character part of "Rebellion/Outlaw group". Guards = Futuristic cops. Currently, main character + crew running for their lives.

From the looks of it, this is your starting paragraph, the "hook", if I'm not mistaken. Not bad. It has the intense, straight to the point kind of structure, with the short sentences and such. Different, but not horrible. I suggest, however, you use this approach rarely. I'm not a big fan of it, but that's just me.

A few errors, or things I think should be fixed (As this is a rough draft) would basically just be a couple of grammatical changes. If the short, rough kind of writing is the way you want to go, I'll keep most of the grammar parts to myself. One part that I found kind of, well, "awkward", was the "Jewels on a table. Swipe. Stuff into pocket." It goes along with the type of sentence structure you're using, but it just seems too poorly written to make much sense. I don't think I've ever seen actions used like that in a story before, but who knows, it might work for you.

My advice: Keep on going. This could be a great hook, depending on how you use it. Some grammar errors in it currently, so I suggest you edit it and anything else you write before posting again, or asking for help if you need it.

My opinion: Make this paragraph a little more sophisticated. I could just imagine how well this could be if you added more detail, like smells or feelings. Maybe a little bit of thoughts from the main character. Like the jewels part. You could have put something in about how they were in a hurry, but the jewels could buy a meal that wouldn't be available otherwise, or something along those lines. Adding in details that just don't make sense unless you have read the story make a GREAT hook.

Keep it up.

[robertsona]

wow, thanks a LOT for typing that all up.
also, if i happened to continue, would i edit my first post or post a new one.

[infinity.]

the concept of a person's mind is good, but saying things like

I use the flashlight on my gun to look around. Clear.

really get old after a while, i mean using it a few times is cool, but you filled the entire thing with the little thought blurbs like that, iunno, im not a great writer.

[RubiedCross]

Well, if you do continue, I figure you could just make another post, as it would be a bump for the thread in case it takes you a while.

And infinity is getting at what I had to say about your use of structure. If you are continuing, where are you going to start from? Will you continue from the spot you left off, or are you going back (or maybe forward o.O?) in time to kind of build up a history? If you continue from this current point, I HIGHLY suggest that you change the structure from "Jewels on table. Swipe. Stuff in pocket". That, as infinity said, get's old after a while.

I do not do much writing myself, and I'm not trying to say that I'm great at it, because it's quite hard to actually write a story and impress people, but I hope that my advice helps. I'll try and remember to check back on this thread if you post more to the story, and if you ever need any help just say so, I'll gladly try, or I'm sure someone else will (e.g. Mal, haha).

Good luck with the writing ;D

[robertsona]

haha
i think i know why i write like that.
i just read watchmen, and a character (rorshach) always speaks like that lol

[rzr]

Spice it up. Describe the Guards. Are they using anything to stop the main character? I'd say protagonist, but he seems more like an antagonist. Anyway, are the guards using beam guns? Batons? How many are there? Why are we here, stealing jewels? You see what I'm saying. Elaborate on the action parts to give more action. Adjectives. Use them. What's the thieves wearing? Are they dressed in cliche' all black? Describe it. The building. The Guards. The feeling of running from the Guards. The adrenaline from pocketing riches. Describe it.

Honestly, I'm a grammar Nazi, but don't worry about it. When you have something good, just run with it. Edit it later.

I liked when you broke things down. Perhaps semi-colon could've achieved the same thing, but a period made it feel more final. What I mean is when you wrote things like "Jewels on table. Swipe. Stuff in pocket." Maybe Rubied Cross didn't like it, but I did. It was... Original. Just, try not to over-use it. I'm not saying you did, I just don't want it you to think "Oh, this is good. I'll use it over and over and over again."

Oh, and I absolutely loved how you began and ended in "Feet shuffle. Running. Go go go." It's something I use in my own works. I love how it ties everything together.

Overall, I like it. [rant]It is, however, really annoying how writers start something and never finish it.[/rant] Good start, hope you enjoy and use my feedback.