Old 11-15-2016, 02:27 PM   #1
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This is a lot all at once. I apologize in advance.

This is probably going to jump around a lot. Thoughts are jumbled and incomplete, and mine are no exception. Iím writing as I think, because thatís the only way I could possibly articulate everything Iím about to write the way I want it to come out. This is the first anyone is seeing of this. Maybe 2 people at most are even remotely aware of anything wrong, and they really have no idea. I wish I could simply talk about this first, but Iíve gathered at this point that Iím never going to be able to simply *talk* about this, so Iíve written it down instead, because thatís apparently easier to me.

I am severely depressed.

To be clear before all of this: I am not suicidal. That may be one of the few things I have direct control over. Of course Iíve thought about the idea, but it has never been considered a legitimate or feasible option, and I would never put myself or anyone else through that pain. Ever.

Iíve been putting this off for an extremely long time, probably upwards of 3 or 4 years at this point.

Iím slowly coming to grips with the fact that I have little to no control. That said, Iím sitting here hating that fact, because I feel like I should have more control than this. Everything about me is one giant contradiction, where I donít (or canít?) practice what I preach. I feel like Iíve completely lost touch with reality, and while I spend each and every day acknowledging that, I lie to myself and everyone I see and walk around like nothingís wrong.

I think Iíve found that one of my most prevalent issues is my lack of handle on delayed gratification. Not even just for myself, but for other people. Motivation has reached appallingly low levels, and where I used to be able to act under extreme stress and time constraints, less and less often is that holding true. I put things off (and I lie about it) Ė tasks, requests, obligations, actual necessities Ė out of some cruel combination of laziness, lack of motivation, and fear of disappointment. I am legitimately terrified of telling somebody that I didnít do X, or that I didnít do well on Y. The obvious solution of course, would be to simply do what I need to do to make those things happen, and to prevent poor showings from occurring. I am fully aware of this, and even with that, I canít even begin to get myself to start. My body and mind would rather lie to your face and tell you things are fine than tell you the truth and get it done later, or just straight up get it done on time.

When, for example, itís crunch time for an assignment, especially bigger ones like essays, I used to wake up (or stay up) until extremely late hours, after spending the entire day telling myself ďIíll do this in a little bit/After this Iíll do it/LaterĒ, cry to myself for however long it took me to get my sorry ass up, and then go do the assignment until I was either done or incapable of continuing from exhaustion. Now, Iíll occasionally get up and do the smaller assignments and just wallow in my own self-pity in my head, given that I have a roommate. For the larger assignments, I will go through the whole process, but at the end I donít even start anymore. Iíll give myself a ďoh itís way too late to start this/thereís no point now/itís probably not worth that much/Iíll just do the next oneĒ and try to not psyche myself out of sleeping so I can at least present myself to everyone I see tomorrow, so I can do myself up and present myself non-suspiciously to everyone around me and I can get away with lying that I did X or Y and that I feel great.

Honestly, when someone asks me how I am in regular conversation, I could probably argue that Iím not actually lying when I tell them that I feel good. Iíve become so horrifyingly capable at completely and totally dissociating myself from my problems that I think Iím starting to dissociate myself from my own reality Ė that nothing really is wrong and I can go do what I please, wasting my time, wasting everyoneís time, wasting my familyís money, wasting their patience. I can distract myself so easily from my problems, with almost no effort. I have this disgusting apathy and I hate it.

Iíve had a problem with biting my nails, lips, and fingers my entire life. As a kid, I couldnít really say why I did it Ė my current guess is that I suffer from some minor form of Excoriation Disorder or Dermatophagia (The compulsion to bite/pick at oneís skin) because today I can equate it to something like substance abuse. I am aware of it and its problems, and yet I do it both consciously and unconsciously, as if thereís something relaxing about me destroying my body. That said Iím not so foolish as to self-diagnose myself and call it truth or fact, this is entirely off of my own speculation. Iíve started to find that under stress or anxiety of any kind I tend to do it more often unconsciously. I donít think that this habit or disorder happened because of stress or anxiety, being that it started when I was little, but stress and anxiety have certainly perpetuated it. It may also be that I have not done any ďstandardĒ self-harm to myself, because of this. This may currently serve the same purpose without me really being aware.

I care about a lot of people, and there a lot of people who care about me. They may be my family, my friends, neighbors, whoever. I feel like Iíve painted a different picture of myself to possibly each and every one of you, so much so that if you asked me to give you the ďreal meĒ, I couldnít give it to you. I literally donít know how to properly describe my actual self; I donít know how the ďreal meĒ would act. Somewhere, someone I know may very well know the real me, and I honestly, truly, wouldnít know whether that is or some other modified self I gave to someone else. All these images Iíve presented myself as, to everyone, has been done, again, out of this intense fear of disappointment and lack of grasp on delayed gratification. I rarely start my own conversations, Iíll hope and pray someone starts one with me, and when they do, Iíll do everything I can to make this person want to continue talking to me, to the point where Iíll lie about knowledge of his topic so he can continue eagerly, when I could simply say that I donít know, but that Iím still interested. Someone could ask me about an artist or album Iíve never heard before and Iíll give some lame generalities and inferences based off of small points theyíve made so I can pretend like I know, because it makes or builds a connection to them.

These same people likely have set their own level of expectations for and of me, with most of those expectations usually being perfectly reasonable. For whatever stupid reason I canít handle these simple expectations like ďdo well in schoolĒ ďgo to classĒ ďpractice your instrumentĒ ďlisten to thisĒ ďread thisĒ ďtalk to him/herĒ. I manage to crumble under simple expectations that are more or less standard to everybody, and that very disappointment that I hate and fear is creeping closer and closer to being unavoidable but on a much larger scale. Frankly I crumble harder not because of the expectations themselves, but because I know theyíre so easily manageable and yet Iím watching everything escape myself. I feel bad for everybody else that they have deal with me lagging behind and getting away with it with some dumb luck or unbelievable generosity from someone else.

I find myself constantly feeling completely alone. Iím unreasonably afraid to talk to people in general, and to talk to people about my problems, out of some unfounded fear of rejection. I feel like people turn around to things like this because they donít know how to help, which, first of all, not knowing how to help is understandable. I know it isnít true either, especially with my friends; Iím aware that most if not all of them would be more than willing to help me through with whatever they could. Yet that fear doesnít go away. It wonít go away.

Alternatively, thinking about it, I feel like there might be almost this fear of sympathy. I donít really know how to describe it. Itís like, I donít want people to feel bad for me, because I donít think that they should need to. They shouldnít have to deal with my problems, they shouldnít have to feel bad for me, so when people do I appreciate it, but I canít help but feel worse for it.

I feel like Iím aware of the simple, straightforward answers to all my problems, and Iím aware of how baseless and unwarranted all my fears are, but they donít go away, they stay and push and push until theyíre all thatís there. I feel worse knowing that Iím wrong and that Iím doing nothing to deal with it or make it better.

The ďpicturesĒ Iíve presented myself as to different people; Iím worried that I canít talk to anybody as genuinely as I could be because Iím hardly genuine to myself. How am I supposed to take other people seriously when I canít even begin to do that with myself? I donít like things about myself Ė I donít even like my own voice Ė and I have to act like I do to everyone around me.

One of the worst parts of all this is that I have nothing to be depressed about. Iím an unbelievably lucky person, living in a more than adequate income home, with a family unrivaled in compassion and strength. I somehow got away with getting into Stony Brook University, a frankly phenomenal institution. I have a web of beautiful people who care about and love me, who Iím lucky enough to call my friends. Iím lucky with my ability to understand concepts in class (when I go, or when Iím paying attention). Even with everything, with all of that, my body and my mind reject themselves as terrible and irredeemable, to the point where writing all this feels, for lack of a better word, pretentious.

The clear and direct solution to most, if not all of my problems, should simply just be to talk about it. Itís taken me more than 4 years to even remotely consider even bringing up the topic. I couldnít bring myself to talk to anybody about this. Itís not a lack of trust in anyone, I think. I think it may be that this stigma of depression not being a real or serious issue is still in my head. Not societyís stigma, but my own. I think Iíve put it into my own head that nothing is wrong and I should just be able to get over myself, and itís my own fault for not doing it already. On top of that, I just donít want to put anyone else through my own problems. No one else should have to deal with my baggage. This is of course completely hypocritical, given that I constantly and actively try to be the person that people talk to about their problems, and I actively try and get people to be vocal about their problems to begin with, because they shouldnít have to hold everything in. I feel like everyone already has enough to deal with, and I think that the faÁade Iíve given myself as to everyone is (hopefully) seen as some sort of positive figure, and I donít want people to have another negative in their life of me being depressed and having to deal with all of my problems. Hell, I literally didnít talk to anybody, I just started writing this because I know there was no chance of me bringing this up to anybody in conversation. My university offers unbelievable support for things like this and aware of that, I still can't bring myself to go.

Iíve hidden everything from everyone. No oneís known that Iíve literally cried myself to sleep. No oneís known that Iíve stayed in my car after getting home late for half an hour because at night itís one of the only places Iíve found actual privacy to fall apart on myself. No oneís known that I actually struggle to get out of bed because I donít want to deal with whatever disappointment I could be bringing people that day. Itís this spiraling void of not wanting to disappoint people, but then immediately doing the exact thing that disappoints them knowing full well that thatís whatís going to happen. The saddest part is that I had to write this up like this. My dad is probably going to learn secondhand from someone else mentioning this post to him, because I canít bear bringing this up myself to him. Heís been put through so much already, and to put him through another gauntlet of stress is just too hard. I trust him more than I do anybody else, and I canít even talk to him. I hate that I canít, because itís not his fault, and his first instinct is probably going to be that he thinks that he doesnít seem trustworthy to me. How is somebody supposed to do that?

I actually feel like Iíve just wasted everybodyís time. Iíve wasted my time, Iíve wasted my familyís time, Iíve wasted some of my friendís time. Iíve wasted money, mine and otherís. It's taken years just to be able to essentially tell people that Iím sad and I donít know what to do about it. Everything just feels heavy. My head, my eyes, my arms, everything. I really, honestly, donít know what to do about it.

Iím actually a little surprised that I canít think of anything else to write. There is 100% more, but I think this is the large majority of what needed to be said. Sorry for pretty much everything, Iíve wasted a bunch of peopleís time. No one should think they had any influence on me being depressed, be it through their expectations of me, their humor, or something else. If I laugh with you, I laugh because I want to, itís not forced. I appreciate and love each and every person I know and interact with every day, I probably wouldnít have gotten very far without most of you. Every conversation Iíve ever had, more or less, has been with the intention to build relationships and to make them happy. In the end I just want to make everyone happy, so they donít have to be like me. Everyone, I think, has treated me in kind, and thatís something I really canít thank enough. This was something no one should ever have to read or write, but here we are. If you actually went through all of this, thank you.


This is a place I don't visit nearly as often as I used to, but it and it's community are like a second home to me. I haven't placed this anywhere else yet and I haven't talked to anybody yet, so this is quite literally the first time anyone is seeing this.

I might not answer right away if you try and get in touch with me. But if you do I will if I can. Most of you already have somewhere to find me.
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Old 11-15-2016, 02:31 PM   #2
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Hey man. Good on you for posting this, and good on you for not being suicidal. I will talk to you at some point later this week for sure.
You are doing more things right than you might realize.
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Old 11-15-2016, 03:36 PM   #3
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I feel like I read about myself from someone else's perspective.
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Old 11-15-2016, 05:16 PM   #4
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i really hope you feel better soon; i care about you and i'm really glad you shared this with everyone

you can talk with me anytime if you want to add me on skype, my username is either drizzleRomanceGirl or Rebecca_TMI (i think the username i use to sign in to skype is drizzleRomanceGirl but my actual username in skype is Rebecca_TMI) we can also talk in FFR but i won't see your messages as much since i only go to FFR a few times a day

if you can't add me i'll try to add you either today or tomorrow

skype is open on my laptop all the time and i use my laptop most of the day so you can talk with me whenever you want

you don't have to feel like you have to do anything to make me want to talk with you, you can tell me anything and i'll want to talk no matter what

i'll listen to you if you want to talk you don't have to feel pressured to respond either if we talk; you really don't have to feel like you have to do anything; i really care about you and i will want to talk with you no matter what

i have a similar problem too x.x at least with the procrastination and depression

this is my 5th year in college and i've failed about six classes and got 6 Ds

my GPA is 2.1 i think

i'm not that motivated to do any homework or study at all unless the teacher motivates me and i get along with her

i have no friends who talk with me in real life and i'm also lonely

i feel like i suck because i'm not trying in any of my classes and i might have already failed some of them when i wanted to do better this semester so i can qualify for the teaching credential program; you need at least a 2.67 GPA to qualify for it

sometimes i feel like i have to tell myself to concentrate so i can go to school and do things while i'm awake because sometimes i don't feel like i'm awake and i have to tell myself that i'm awake

if there's anything i can do to help you, please ask; we can try to do homework together if you want so we can motivate and help each other and actually get some homework done

i'm missing A LOT of assignments right now



i hope you feel better soon
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Last edited by drizzleRomanceGirl; 11-15-2016 at 05:25 PM..
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Old 11-15-2016, 05:37 PM   #5
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Focus on what will pull your foot forward even if just one step is on the menu. Don't worry about us, we'll be fine. But for you-- I'm sorry to hear that focus is chaotic, and mentality is scrambled. All I can recommend is that you study and take notes on your own behaviour, mental habits that lead to mental blocks and all of that. Those are important for reflection and figuring out when and why things aren't moving in that sturdy brain of yours. It just needs proper coaching and you need to find the optimal way to work and learn with it. I feel like this is a developmental challenge we all experience at varying degrees at different levels in early adulthood. Wishing you well my friend.
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Old 11-15-2016, 07:19 PM   #6
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Hey YMIA, I'll contact you via IG.
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Old 11-15-2016, 10:17 PM   #7
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just think about dank memes and usually you won't be sad

seems to work for me nowadays, except my depression has subsided a bit due to growing out of the raging hormones etc. etc.

srs though even pepe will help you just try not to get carried away in the memes like some of us
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Old 11-17-2016, 12:57 AM   #8
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you can talk with me if you want i won't expect you to do anything you don't want to do
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