Old 08-30-2019, 08:39 PM   #61
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Default Re: life story thread

dingles came in with a mean post, choof came in to chastise him but retaliated disproportionally

that's it, there were mistakes but we can move on from this, let's move past it
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there are 743 matches for hedgehog suicide on deviantart
that's kind of a sad statistic
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Old 08-30-2019, 08:44 PM   #62
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I apologize, personally. But I think this was a really great thread that had a lot of people who were opening up and it was quite refreshing to see people being very honest about themselves (though tough to read at times).

It's exceptionally infuriating when someone just decides to be insensitive and lacking in empathy for something like this.

I'd share stuff, but... I feel like my negativity is substantially less than anyone in here. Some of the stuff you guys have said is quite dark.
it's not a dick measuring contest for who's life is the darkest. you should share

p.s. if we had a dick measuring contest i'd win 'cause i have a bbc. thanks for listening
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GET DUNKED FUNNY
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There comes a point where we have to ask our selves, "do we really want to deal with that, desperate as we are?"

I think we can all agree on the answer, yeah?

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Old 08-30-2019, 08:46 PM   #63
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Default Re: life story thread

A big beautiful chicken?
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Old 08-30-2019, 08:47 PM   #64
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A big beautiful chicken?
...
...
...

yes.
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is funny eaman?
Can you like not use those stupid names right now? Took me long enough to get these screen names straight in my head
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GET DUNKED FUNNY
(eaman is her name irl, friend)

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There comes a point where we have to ask our selves, "do we really want to deal with that, desperate as we are?"

I think we can all agree on the answer, yeah?
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Old 08-30-2019, 08:49 PM   #65
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A big beautiful chicken?
big beautiful cockadoodledoo
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there are 743 matches for hedgehog suicide on deviantart
that's kind of a sad statistic

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Old 08-31-2019, 03:33 AM   #66
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it just fuckin bothers the hell out of me when ppl like dingles posts like this in every single thread he enters and ya i'm aggro as shit about it which is partially a hold over from when aggro was a stepmania staple (remember lurker's righteous stepmania anger) and partially just me tired of seeing it constantly, it's like nothing has changed in the year that i didn't post

but regardless i apologize for throwing a bitch fit, i kinda don't apologize for what i said to dingles, you're not worthless as a person bub just one of the most annoying posters on the site now that queenashy is banned. whatever this is the last you'll hear from me on dingles

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but they didn't believe in mental illness and told me to suck it up.
hey my mom did the same thing, she said that god could cure me and pulled me off of my meds and wew boy aside from my stepdad kicking the shit out of me it was the worst thing about my childhood

like i said in the other thread i'm very glad you got off the booze and are staying sober, please don't relapse i know this is easier said than done but i believe you can do it. good to hear things are looking up for you bub.

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one thing that really fucks me up re: the military & mental health that they have all of those bullshit "seeking help is a sign of strength" campaigns and it's an e8 saying so, which I guess is supposed to tell you "wow it even affects successful people" but realistically they won't let someone go with a storied career. it's a different story when you're e4 mafia or something and easily disposable. not to mention inpatient psych admission is an immediate barrier to tight shit like SF or Ranger etc, takes away clearances, things that can limit or eliminate any career path in the military so I don't get why they make campaigns like that when the policies in place directly contradict the statement

I can't speak to a real deployment because I only ever "deployed" to somewhere safe and I didn't even interact with the local forces, just aussies and brits, but I saw more than one other medic get really fucked up after having some people die on him after his. it's really nobody's fault other than the people that send you there. even attached to "safer" MOSes I've had people I know die in the b's and after from suicide. no matter how many you hear of, that news never gets easier. someone from my last active duty squad killed himself last year and left behind his wife and toddler, it's heartbreaking to think about

when i attempted suicide, my discharge paperwork immediately began but i was unaware of it, they sent me to this suicide class where "rank didn't matter" but i was in a group of officers and high ranking ncos and they just looked down on my bitch e-4 ass like i was dirt, which definitely didn't help at all. i'm incredibly grateful that i got an honorable discharge for it, can never re-enlist though.

it really doesn't get easier. the three times i've lost someone to suicide made me hysterical, the most recent in 2017 made me lose my job. i really cannot stand to lose another person like this. this was also just a few months after my cousin died in a motorcycle accident.

i've been toying with the idea of like, idk, stripping all identification from myself and trying to join the french foreign legion to kinda avenge or make up for my self-described sins of letting my friends die overseas but i'm too weak to do so and it's a stupid idea anyway.

Last edited by choof; 08-31-2019 at 03:38 AM..
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Old 08-31-2019, 03:47 AM   #67
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Default Re: life story thread

I spent 2 hours writing a post and then I couldn't find closure so, I guess I'm not ready for this.

I feel like everyone has a story and that it's hard to fairly judge anything when you're not aware of how things went.

That fact usually give me pause when I see people write things that may affect others. I usually end up being like "I wonder what happened" instead of reacting.
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Old 08-31-2019, 05:03 AM   #68
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Default Re: life story thread

i havent read this thread for like 2 days ayo whats gud
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Old 08-31-2019, 05:26 AM   #69
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ah fuck, i didnt mean to get everyone angry at one another

reading choofs post actually struck pretty close to home... somehow our life situation is eerily similar, honestly its fuckin weird, even the brother who used steroids and solved things with violence... honestly its sort of chilling to read it and think of my own experiences.. i dont mean to trivialize ur own by saying mine are equal, since i havent experience yours, but still

firstly, my parents aren't divorced but they may as well be. theres nearly constant fighting every single day, to the point where i need to mute my microphone nearly every day to avoid having people im talking to hear it. at this point it shouldn't be my concern since i should just leave and move out but even so it still hurts me

secondly and unrelated but its rude to call xelyna a charter since i do also make charts and chart alot, sure my files are garbage but making them and playing them makes me happy so i dont care, i understand people dont play them or if they do they think its just a joke made to farm "le etterna rating xD" but that was never my goal and even if thats what they accomplish i dont care

thirdly im a complete dumbass and seemed to mix up funnygurl with zeldafangirl or whatever in terms of it just posting to feel better about themselves and im sorry for that, im actually really dumb and mix people up alot but im sure you can see how id confuse them since they both have girl in their name (not justification but im stupid and cant think sometimes, i guess based on my justification id mix them up with drizzle too but drizzle is way too wholesome for that to ever happen xd)

fourthly it really upsets me to see that my stupid bullshit ended up making choof feel bad because despite not caring about myself at all, for some reason i care about other people and how they feel alot, i still remember how i messaged choof on twitter a while back after he seemed sad or whatever and im not trying to say that im some moral justice person, i just legitimately cared about him, so for him to get targeted because of defending this community against me, regardless of how he goes about it, really upsets me and does make me feel like shit

fifthly if you actually think
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The fact that you cited choof as a "flaming asshat" and dingles as fine within the context of this thread is ridiculous. He went after dingles for targeting the OP of the thread in a completely unnecessary and emotionally harmful way.
im sorry but ur naive to think the goal of my post was to target the OP in some emotionally harmful way, if u actually think its emotionally harmful then ur essentially assuming that funnygurl cant take any sort of criticism or whatnot (even if my criticism was baseless and worthless), which if anything to me makes me think that you feel they cant handle it

sixthly (idk if this is even a word this post be going on too long), i do realize that im a piece of shit and generally unlikeable, and i won't deny it... i did feel quite upset when choof told me to randomize my password and never post or log in again, but at the same time i can understand where he's coming from... its always difficult to just force yourself into some community, especially when its so tight knit... i think alot of people here really love choof and care about him, and im sure people here also feel the same for me, but at the same time i know i can be an asshole sometimes and be rude to people..

if anything, its a reflection of my lack of self esteem and self worth, I think that i feel that sometimes i need to be the most abrasive and offensive i can possibly be to have anyone care about me and thats a bad thing and not a good trait to have, and i'm sincerely sorry for it. at the same time, i feel (i always assume things and really shouldn't assume how other people feel because understanding emotions is hard for me) that choof also maybe feels a somewhat similar way, maybe not the same in terms of goal etc but when i see him defending his community of friends and people he cares about, the way he goes about it gets to me alot not gonna lie, and it makes me feel quite sad and reflect on myself, because for some reason it feels relateable

anyways I can't words anymore but I apologize for being an asshole and starting this drama and think that we should all just move on and i hope that you can all forgive me

also eighthly i guess, my profile has been closed for nearly a month or two and its unfortunately not related to FFR at all but ya

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Old 08-31-2019, 05:31 AM   #70
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Default Re: life story thread

tl;dr i suck

edit: fuck this took me like 30 mins to right, oof

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Old 08-31-2019, 05:34 AM   #71
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that long post is a good post
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Old 08-31-2019, 05:37 AM   #72
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not gonna lie i was too anxious the past day to read this thread because i knew that when i checked it that everyone would be mad at me but to read it now and see people arguing with choof for actually confronting my bullshit, instead of people arguing at me specifically really makes me want to reflect on how I act and it makes me really upset, Im sorry

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Old 08-31-2019, 06:26 AM   #73
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cool thread concept - yah I was born in 93 but mostly resonate with 2003 for whatever odd reason and grew up with an obsession for light bulbs and lamps and a little later motor cycles up until I discovered techno music when my brothers friend brought over his cd he played on our play station (which had cool visuals on the tv) and I devoted my focus and energy to figuring out how does some one 'make' techno and were do these sonic 'ideas' actually come from. Needless to say I'm skipping a lot of detail but those are very few of the aspects of my life that stand out enough for me to emphasize. fast forward to today I am more open to the idea of composing music more than designing it and find myself parallel and underneath everything else in a constant state of religious and philosophical debate internally when I take a moment to be truly self aware.

In a tangible what I call worldly context I enjoy music/art that seems to transcend all that you thought was life almost surrealistically and has this infinite wavelength you some time have the pleasure of rediscovering. feeling a certain way at times makes existing matter again lmao
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Old 08-31-2019, 08:56 AM   #74
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Default Re: life story thread

Just found the old thread started by top in 2013, what a trip down memory lane.

When I posted my original life story, I hadn't met any FFR'er in person. I was still with my ex. I hadn't broken any bridges with childhood friends. I was just getting started.

It really makes me realize how temporary some problems are, and how timeless some ideas or thought-loops can be. My life right now is by no means perfect, but I have changed. For the better, I feel. I still have that whacky kid inside me, but I learned to use that part, rather than feeling used by it. I still hold a diary, which after all this time might be the only thing I feel 100% confident was good for me.

Thanks for being here, FFR and FFR peeps.
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Old 08-31-2019, 10:44 AM   #75
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not gonna lie i was too anxious the past day to read this thread because i knew that when i checked it that everyone would be mad at me but to read it now and see people arguing with choof for actually confronting my bullshit, instead of people arguing at me specifically really makes me want to reflect on how I act and it makes me really upset, Im sorry
good to hear. trust me posting not posting like a dumbass makes things a lot better than the alternative :thumb:
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Old 08-31-2019, 10:52 AM   #76
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sure my files are garbage but making them and playing them makes me happy so i dont care
I can relate to this myself actually lol. back when FFR had the simfile database, I was obsessed with the idea of posting your own charts to have it displayed on the old R2 engine and that was enough for me to be content even when it wasn't officially in the legacy engine, through submissions and whatnot. and it took me from... idk 2007 until 2011 to actually get a chart accepted.

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despite not caring about myself at all, for some reason i care about other people and how they feel alot
damn.... this one hits home. in my case, it's really just been the upbringing of my family. I was basically told to feel certain ways on what THEY felt was correct, and while my grandmother had good intentions it was extremely important for me, sister, and cousins to care about other people and include them in activities like watching disney movies together and stuff.


*sigh*

at the very least I think everyone should know that my thirst for rank 1 in this game came from a "walter white/heisenberg" type of scenario, aka wanting pto feel important and tohave validation. I was molested at 11. She was female and preyed on my naive, small body and to make it worse the boys at school would just laugh and ask why I didn't enjoy it. one of them abused me physically and emotionally, and knew I wouldn't leave them because otherwise I'd be sitting alone at lunch and shit.

high school, failed to get into the school I wanted for string orchestra so that hurt my ego, this was when I swapped from cyrx900 to samurai7694. felt i was better than the new orchestra program that was in the other high school i ended up at. I had a near death experience when a car directly hit me at a 4 way stop. idk how I survived tbh sometimes I wish I didn't. fell truly in love for the first time and I fucked it up. got caught with marijuana by parents. started cutting myself. gained weight. later that year I found out I would be failing high school. wanted to end my life by OD. suicide watch (known here as florida baker act), I didn't even socialize with the other kids so I was a loner there too. never took antidepressants to this day. really the main thing to give me any sort of confidence was genuinely caring for others and making strong friendships and just challenging myself in SM/FFR which gave me the praise and attention that I craved from my family. I to this day can't even tell them about my depression and suicidal thoughts because it's too hard for them to listen, and they used to think I was faking it to get out of school or to manipulate them. my true self does call for being a class clown as I was in elementary school, bonding with people, quality time means so so much to me even like discord inv for movie nights or something. but my personal issues get in the way of me wanting to be more approachable because my neutral face and body language shows someone who's damaged and crying on the inside.

I am leaving out a LOT of details, a LOT of names, and a LOT of what goes on in my head on a daily basis now because it does involve a ton of FFR members. most of them still active members. but I just want to put it out there that I struggle to even come back to FFR (even though I instinctively check it every day now), because I feel a lot of old relationships have been killed off and some old friends I tried reaching out to either want nothing to do with me or see me in a bad light in some way. but I am thankful for the friends that I still have now and even if I don't care if today's my last day or not, I'm not gonna do harm to myself and I choose to be optimistic as in like "hmmm let's see what's in store for tomorrow".

on that note I want to finish this book called Any Man which is a novel that deals with female-on-male rape (apologies if that word triggers anyone). but yeah I think coming to terms that I'm not ok, is ok. it's just about how I go about it and I think being in uni for music, which is my biggest passion in life, helps. I was instructed to learn nocturne in eb by chopin for my piano class and I shed a tear when I started practice the first two measures. it's my only source of comfort but it sure does mean a lot. and thank you to those taking the time to through this. I needed rum for this lol
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Old 08-31-2019, 01:58 PM   #77
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it's not a dick measuring contest for who's life is the darkest. you should share

p.s. if we had a dick measuring contest i'd win 'cause i have a bbc. thanks for listening
This post is correct, and then hilarious.

If I don't drop from work I *might* post mine, it's not that dark at least.
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Old 08-31-2019, 02:52 PM   #78
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oh yeah I didn't see that, yeah my charts are bad too but there's always been something cathartic about making your own charts and seeing them to completion

luis if you have a good mic (or not, probably doesn't matter) we should collab on some music
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Old 08-31-2019, 03:00 PM   #79
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thirdly im a complete dumbass and seemed to mix up funnygurl with zeldafangirl
i think this is the most offensive thing i've read in this thread, lmfao
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is funny eaman?
Can you like not use those stupid names right now? Took me long enough to get these screen names straight in my head
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GET DUNKED FUNNY
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There comes a point where we have to ask our selves, "do we really want to deal with that, desperate as we are?"

I think we can all agree on the answer, yeah?
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Old 09-1-2019, 09:29 AM   #80
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Low key good thread diversion, I def overshared 😒
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