Old 09-22-2019, 09:59 AM   #121
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Default Re: life story thread

Just wanna say I’ve read all of these and y’all are way braver than I am

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one time in summer camp this girl was scratching my ass and she wanted me to scratch hers too but I was like ehhh naw

edit: if only i could go back in time, id of been more considerate (^:
You fucking monster
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Old 09-22-2019, 11:05 AM   #122
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Did you read psychoangel’s story? It honestly sounds like you didn’t read it looking at the way you responded. I personally would have expressed some sympathy at the very least.
i did. choof hit it on the head; i'm just glad that people are still sharing
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GET DUNKED FUNNY
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There comes a point where we have to ask our selves, "do we really want to deal with that, desperate as we are?"

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Old 09-22-2019, 03:11 PM   #123
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y’all are way braver than I am
idk if I'd call my story brave lol
my lack of bravery still affects me to this day
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Old 09-22-2019, 03:22 PM   #124
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I guess I'm going to try to gather my thoughts and put them all down here, though it'll probably be broken down into a few posts over time cause I’m honestly not sure I can relive everything in a day.

My childhood idk, I don't remember a ton of it. I know I was bullied and made fun of a lot in school, so maybe that's why I don't really recall a lot of it. I was born with weight/health issues beyond my control and despite being a super active kid, it's persisted. I guess outside that my childhood was sort of normal. My dad worked at a roller rink, so I spent most of my time there.
There are a few things that went down in my early teens, but they're kind of vague now and I guess not super relevant. Shit really started taking a major turn when I turned 15.

It would take a lot to really explain it all but going to try to make it as simple as possible, I don’t remember too much of the earlier part of the year. I know I’d always felt like a loser ‘cause all my friends had boyfriends/girlfriends and I had never had one. Most of them had already had sex by this time as well, so I questioned what was wrong with me. Then comes in my first boyfriend August of that year. I was excited blah blah, but then he was already starting behaviors that should have made me run. Cheating, lying, breaking up w me back together blah blah. But I was so down on myself I didn’t want to lose my chance at a relationship and kept putting up with it. Lost my virginity to this dude Nov of that year. I was excited about this though and shared it with a couple of my close guy friends. I never really had too many girls who were friends, I was always a tomboy. But this also resulted in when my bf decided he was going to break things off again two of my guy friends that knew took advantage of that. Which was probably the start of why I have such a skewed view on sex compared to most people.

So to top things off with this crazy ass relationship I had going on, my parents decided to tell us the day after Christmas that year that they were getting a divorce. For me at the time it was devastating. I know compared to a lot of things in life it seems minor, but it really fucked me up. Especially when my dad broke down crying to me about how he fucked up. I’ll never forget that moment. Two weeks later after they told us they were divorcing we got a phone call from my uncle I’ll never forget. We got home and I ran in and pressed play on the answering machine (yep, I’m that old) only to hear my uncle’s panicked voice about how something happened to my other uncle and to call back. I still hear it in my head. As it would turn out, my uncle died of a drug overdose that day. I had just gotten my first guitar that Xmas too, the last photo we have of him is him tuning it up for me. He was supposed to teach me ‘cause he was in a band and all that jazz. But yeah anyway, it was kind of a lot all at once.

I don’t recall exactly when the abuse started with my boyfriend. It was subtle at first, then started to escalate more and more as the days went on. Started out with verbal abuse, then eventually migrated to sexual abuse. He’d penetrate me with whatever he pleased, he even videoed me performing sex acts and I was a minor, so there’s that too. He’d show it to friends and whatnot, as far as I know another “friend” of mine actually stole the tape for himself at some point. He’d also force me to have sex while others watched. I don’t remember when the hitting started, I don’t remember how many times or all the reasons why I’d get hit, but there’s a few that stand out in my mind. Hell I even still have the letters of him apologizing as abusers do. One time it was because I dropped a cup and it broke, he was angry so he took the pieces of glass and proceeded to cut me with them. Another time he fucked another girl while I was there and he knew I was upset, I mean c'mon. So I got a crowbar thrown at me. He nearly knocked me out another time when he slammed my head down into the shifter of his truck after he was out cheating on me again. I remember blacking out for a brief moment. He nearly broke my neck at someone’s house, had a knife to my throat, tried running me down with his car, idk there’s so many instances of abuse, and this is something I lived with for 3 years of my life before I finally decided I’d rather just fucking die then spend another minute being abused by this guy.

He also got me into legal trouble. We went to a friend’s house of mine and he decided to steal some shit like the asshole he was. I didn’t even know what went down until it was too late. My friend’s dad was an ex-cop and this dumbass stole hollow point bullets and some other shit. My dad found it in my room while we were out and called the cops. I got to come home high AF to cops at my fucking house and a shitton of pot on me. That was fucking great let me tell you. I was so fucked up at the time though and idk why, wondering if I’d been slipped something else cause I was nodding out. I fell asleep for like a solid 24hrs straight after the cops hauled him off. I had to go through court proceedings and all that bullshit. I ended up on probation and having to do community service. Which I ended up fucking up at one point and got locked up for. All because he committed a crime and I didn’t report it so I was an accessory. It didn’t matter that he’d have fucked me up if I had done something against him. So I got ganged up on in lock up, fucked up pretty good one night by these three girls. That was super. I got out and went back to the whole community service bullshit. My very last day there put me in a bad situation which resulted in me being raped. I still remember every fucking moment of that day, and I still blame myself for it happening. I didn’t tell anyone about it for like a good year too. But I’ll get more into the details another time. I’m a bit worn already just from typing this bit up so I guess here’s your first glimpse into my life.


Last photo of my uncle

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Alright so let’s see if I can continue this fun story. I’m really bad at remembering things in order so there’s probably going to be times I jump back to events after going “oh yeah” on something I’d forgotten to include in the first place.

Like oh, more on my lovely first boyfriend. His mother actually stood there when he punched me in the face one day and I was like “see” her response “I saw nothing” it’s no wonder he was such a shithead she enabled him so hard. But anyway, yeah so we left off with a super abusive first boyfriend, parents divorce, uncle dying of an overdose to legal woes leading up to my being raped.

It was such a stupid situation, and it just would figure that it’d be my very last day of community service. I don’t think there will ever be a day I don’t blame myself though. Maybe I should have fought harder, idk. I remember trying to leave and him pinning me to the wall, his grip so tight on my wrists. I kept trying to pull away and verbally get him to stop, but I guess I just didn’t have the clear presence of mind to think of doing something like kicking him in the nuts. You think of all this shit after the fact, but when you’re in the moment it’s like total shutdown, well at least I guess for me. I finally gave up when I saw the knife cause I mean what’s worse? Being stabbed or just giving in and letting this dude get his rocks off? I still can feel his weight on me, the tears streaming down my face and him chuckling asking if it was too big. He did his thing and let me go. I’m fortunate in the regards of not ending up with some disease or some shit cause, of course, he didn’t use protection, and yes I’ve been tested, multiple times cause I’m a paranoid freak about that shit after everything that’s gone down. Anyway, went back to my car and completely had a meltdown. I don’t even know how long I sat there crying, or even what I did after it now. It’s a pretty big blur. I should have said something, I should have done something more, but it was too late by the time I found the courage to admit what had happened to me to a couple of friends and the only reason I even opened up to them is because they’d been through sexual trauma in some way or another.

(so this whole section goes back to before the rape) Gosh, so where to go from there. Oh, I guess I should mention that my parent’s divorce was the start of me not having a super stable home. My mom decided she couldn’t handle me and my shitty boyfriend. So instead of trying to you know, make sure her daughter wasn’t getting her ass beat she sent me off to live with my father. Who, because of the divorce basically started acting like a teenager again in some regards. He also would do anything to piss my mom off, so he took me to get my tongue pierced and a tattoo when I was 16. He didn’t earn very much, so we lived in a 1br apartment where I used the dining room as my bedroom. To provide some kind of wall we set up a dresser. Oh yeah, I guess I need to mention I’d already left my other school, I was cutting all the time and hated it. But when I moved back in with my dad, I tried to go back and went into the vo-tech for automotive. But it didn’t last long because my dad didn’t provide anything for me other than the room. Everything else I needed I had to get for myself. So I quit school completely and worked two jobs. He didn’t put food in the house, we didn’t have a phone and I wasn’t old enough to sign any contracts so eventually I got myself a prepaid cell phone just so I’d have something. I was basically never home, always out with the asshole and his friends. Who all used me for every penny they could. I’m not sure I had a single legit friend in my life at this point. The number of times I had to bail people out and shit...

Oh yeah, I also came to find out more recently after talking to someone from the old group that apparently my ex would let them touch me in my sleep. He talked about how he (the “friend”) fingered me while I was sleeping and shit. So there’s that too. Lord knows what else went down with whom that I’m unaware of.
So hmm, eventually my dad decided he couldn’t afford the place anymore without a roommate but being a 1br guess who got the boot? I’d finally gotten away from the abusive ex though so my mom brought me back into her house. It was never a good thing when we’d live together though. I remind her too much of my father so she’s always been hostile towards me. It’s only now finally started to get a little better. I didn’t last too long at her house though, I’d met someone new and they lived in a house in PA with some friends that I eventually actually just got abandoned at by my friend. She dropped me off one night and just took off for like a good two weeks and I had no way home. That was an all bad situation for a lot of reasons though. No one had stable work, there was never food or anything really. It was a fucking mess, to say the least. Eventually, they lost the place because they couldn’t pay the mortgage. If I’m not losing my mind here from there we moved back to my dad’s place because the roommate he had bailed on him. But my ex didn’t love the idea of staying with my dad so that lasted only a few months before the same friend who’d abandoned me at one point said “hey I have a place you guys should come live here” the bf at the time was insistent cause he didn’t wanna live with my dad so off we went. The place there lasted all of two weeks before my friend decided she didn’t like it anymore and moved us all back to Easton PA. It was a pretty nice place, but again no one had the money to support it. So I think we got maybe like two months out of it before once again having to move. This time she’d had the idea of getting a rent to own place with her then-boyfriend and all of us. Which was fine I guess. I started working two jobs, I would work on cars at Sears automotive all day in NJ, run home to clean up real fast then waitress at night in PA. I was also taking care of my then bf’s son who was with us. So you know, things were looking up or so it seemed when she decided to spring on us, “oh we’re moving to VA so you guys have to move out and you’re on your own” So yep, off we go again into a new place, this time it was myself, my, bf at the time and one other who was rooming with us and had nowhere to go. It started okay but then I kept bringing in people who needed a place to go and it became a fiasco. Lived off a lot of ramen in those times too. I think we managed to make it a whole like 4 months in that place before having to move on yet again. This time we moved back into my dad’s place but took it over because he was moving to SC and still had time on his lease.

Rip taking another detour back cause I remembered another event and yes, I know I’m a fucking idiot okay. So there was one day I couldn’t get ahold of my bf (the abuser) and I didn’t know what was going on. He was supposed to meet me. I walked all over trying to find one of my friends who drove but no one was around. I was 16 so I wasn’t old enough to have a license and shit yet. This guy kept driving by me and eventually stopped asking if I needed help. My stupid ass at first was like nope don’t go there, but then was like he seems harmless enough and I was afraid of getting my ass beat if I didn’t find a way to my bf’s house. Anyways, this guy instead of taking me to my bf’s starts driving around with me, he’s got a flask in his car he’s drinking from offered me some but I declined. He decided at some point to get on the highway and of course I’m like freaking out and have no idea what to do at this point. He pulls over in this little like rest area next to the highway and was like “I’ve never kissed a 16yr old before” and this dude had to be like late 40s early 50s I guess. Soooo yeah he starts kissing me and feeling me up. He started asking me if he thought my dad would let me go to Atlantic City with him for a weekend. You know where that was going… Eventually, he started driving again and did take me up to my bf’s house who of course by then wasn’t there anymore so he took me back down into town and dropped me off where he picked me up. Of course, then I was able to find my “friends” and shit. That situation could have ended so much worse, I’m lucky it didn’t.

Okay, that was a fun detour, on to the back at my dad’s old place in NJ. I had been getting sick on and off for a little while by this point. Oh actually shit, at some point this bf and I had stayed at my mom’s for a stint too. I don’t remember in between where now though, I only remember it because I’d gotten violently ill one night. I think it was before heading to my dad’s then through all the moves, but I honestly don’t remember now. Anyway, this is now 2007 and I was really sick again, the pain was unbearable and I tried reaching my mom to take me to the hospital. But had no luck. My ex was there with his son so I wasn’t going to make him take me. Eventually, I drove myself to the hospital doubled over in the worst pain I’d ever felt in my life up to this point. I remember going in and begging to be put into a bed right away, of course I got “you have to see triage first” I’m sitting there head on their desk filling out the paperwork. Eventually get to triage and she asks me my pain on a scale of 1 - 10, I tell her 10 immediately and she goes “clearly you’ve never given birth” I’m assuming they thought I was drug seeking, but holy fuck I don’t know how one couldn’t clearly see the pain I was in. I’d never even had a painkiller in my life before at this point. Finally, I get back into a room and it was a nurse I was familiar with from my regular doctor’s office so that was nice. She got me something to help with the pain as I got tested. She came back in and told me I had to be admitted because I had gallstones which resulted in pancreatitis so bad it damn near killed me. Normally for most gallstones isn’t too big a deal and just a schedule surgery back home the next day but I was in such bad shape I had to stay in the hospital for a week before they could even consider surgery because they had to clear the pancreatitis. Which meant I couldn’t eat or drink anything, including water that whole week. I spent most of my time there alone, my mom popped in a few times. I was pretty terrified as you can probably imagine. I’d never had anything major in terms of my health before and having to undergo surgery freaked me out. I also had no insurance at the time, so by the time all was said and done I came out with over 100k in medical debts.

Well, this has gotten super long already so I guess I’ll leave it at this for now. Not sure anyone will even actually read all this shit, but guess it’s good to get it all out either way.


Fuck it, been a few hours lets see how much more I can get out of myself here. Alright so left off in 2007, specifically Feb when I had to have surgery, no medical insurance etc etc.

So my then ex was living with me in my dad’s apartment as I mentioned, he wasn’t necessarily the worst guy but he was fucking around with the stripper chick that lived next door and could never hold a fucking job so whatever. I eventually said get out, it was extremely hard for me because I was incredibly attached to his son and his family. We were supposed to get married, had been together for 2yrs by this point. It was tough to let go, but I couldn’t keep going the way things were going. So this all probably sounds weird ‘cause he was already an ex but still staying with me, so I’d also sort of started seeing a friend of mine. It wasn’t anything serious until my ex left, then he moved in with me and we were supposed to keep the apartment together. But alas, another dude that for some reason couldn’t hold a job. He was even offered work by my mom’s then-boyfriend doing demolition and it paid well. I remember he’d agreed to it then was like “I’m not going” I didn’t want to leave the guy hanging so I went and I did the work. I wasn’t that far out of surgery either so that kind of pisses me off. Anyway, I couldn’t really afford to keep the apartment so we moved into his old room at his dad’s house. This only lasted a few months before he decided to start going out and cheating on me. So off to my mother’s place I went again for a while.

So I was working, just trying to get my life together when all of a sudden I got a random tongue swell. I’d assumed I somehow developed some sort of food allergy. I was also having a lot of issues with major dizzy spells and generally feeling unwell. So started the fun of going through doctor after doctor, hospital after hospital and specialist after specialist. Now at this point, I did have some insurance, not great insurance but at least something. I also at some point discovered that there was a massive leak in a car I was financing from this shitty bad credit car dealerships. So it was mold-infested in the headliner and I never knew it, probably what was making me sick. But of course no one would help me and I couldn’t get any legal action taken against the dealer. Finally, I met with an allergist that after testing me for like every food allergy ever had a lightbulb moment and tested me for hereditary angioedema. The test came back positive for this shitty ass condition with no cure and at the time basically no treatment options. So here I was with this diagnosis and mold toxicity issues, I couldn’t work which pissed my mom off of course. She couldn’t possibly understand how fucked up I was at the time apparently. Because of the tongue swelling, I basically stopped eating all together aside from like a single piece of chicken in a day and some mashed potatoes. I was terrified something would trigger another swelling attack. So I avoided everything. Then all the medical bills came in, well, thanks to my new diagnosis the insurance company claimed pre-existing condition and denied all my claims. So yay for more medical debts \o/

Since I was confined to my room I spent a lot of time online, where I eventually found what would be my next wonderful relationship. I don’t remember exactly what we met on now because there were a few social media things in 2008, I’m actually leaving out another boyfriend from before the diagnosis that cheated and lied to me, but that’s the majority of people I’ve dated anyway. So, I finally agree to start hanging out with him, you know just friends for starters but I explained to him I wasn’t well. He was fine with it. We started hanging out a lot then eventually dating. My mom lost her shit and told me to get out yet again because I wasn’t being exactly what she wanted me to be. She couldn’t understand the horrible anxiety attacks I’d started having by this point too. So I ended up moving into my bf’s parent’s place with him. Things were going sort of okay, there were definitely a lot of great moments, but as it turned out he was a drug addict and was sneaking shit behind my back. I’d notice odd behavior here and there and eventually, I found out. I still stuck around, thought I could be a rock to help him move on from it cause he expressed wanting to. I tried to get working again but it didn’t last long because I still wasn’t feeling great and was having anxiety attacks at work. So he went to work in my place basically but one night sort of started to break it off from me before work? It was weird. But I didn’t want to be alone, no one was home and I was freaking out so I asked one of his friends to come to hang out in the shed with me. His shed was set up as a place to jam and had like a poker table and stuff. Figured this was a neutral okay spot to chill. Well, apparently he assumed I was hitting on him inviting him over and put me in an awkward spot. It didn’t get too far other than me giving him like a sad handjob to try to placate things for the time being because I really didn’t know what could happen, plus after being raped and all in the past I mean, idk. It was a bad situation. So then apparently he feels guilty and tells my bf about it before I could, which I’d had every intention of doing so but didn’t want to do it while he was at work. This asshole shows up at his job with his other friends to tell him. So this mixed with his drug abuse fueled a lot of fucked-up rage and stuff towards me. He was also paranoid and accused me of fucking his friend even though we’d both said that wasn’t the case, whatever. Eventually one night it boiled over and he put me into a wall waking his mother who kicked me out in the middle of the night with nowhere to go.


As I keep writing I realize more and more how much I leave out but at the same time I'd probably have to write a novel to actually put all this shit out there. So hopefully this is at least kind of giving the gist of it and I'm open to whatever questions people have too about anything that's off. It's hard for me to just sit down and write it all out this way.
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yeah I'mma go for the Rave7 route she's just perfect, stiff on the top, thin in the middle, and has a BIG THICC END that I can just jack on all night UwU best girl

Last edited by psychoangel691; 09-22-2019 at 03:23 PM..
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Old 09-22-2019, 03:27 PM   #125
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medical debt is so nasty, I'm still paying for a panic attack/suicide attempt in april
maybe this is presumptuous but I'm glad that you're doing better now too

writing shit up is hard especially when you forget/suppress things, I left out a bunch of shit too but couldn't be assed to rewrite
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Old 09-22-2019, 03:32 PM   #126
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medical debt is so nasty, I'm still paying for a panic attack/suicide attempt in april
maybe this is presumptuous but I'm glad that you're doing better now too

writing shit up is hard especially when you forget/suppress things, I left out a bunch of shit too but couldn't be assed to rewrite
It's fucking bullshit man, and I can't afford insurance now either which has put me in a shit ass position but I'll get to that eventually.

I've still got to read yours, I kind of like quick read but haven't been able to focus lately and I feel shitty when I can't give something my full attention. That's another problem I've been having since anxiety/depression hit so hard. I find it super hard to read things and process them. I'm also generally way better at like a back and forth one on one convo. Which I'm always open to as well.

I don't know that I can say I'm doing better, actually the last couple years have been pretty bad. I guess better in some ways because I haven't tried to cut or off myself, but negative in a few others. I'm at this point just kind of floating I guess?
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also a fucking helicopter is the absolute last place I'd go to find out how big my dick is
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yeah I'mma go for the Rave7 route she's just perfect, stiff on the top, thin in the middle, and has a BIG THICC END that I can just jack on all night UwU best girl
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Old 09-22-2019, 07:32 PM   #127
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welp I'm hoping your floating towards better times then
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Old 09-22-2019, 08:18 PM   #128
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but I just want to put it out there that I struggle to even come back to FFR (even though I instinctively check it every day now), because I feel a lot of old relationships have been killed off and some old friends I tried reaching out to either want nothing to do with me or see me in a bad light in some way. but I am thankful for the friends that I still have now
I may not be as well known as most of you outside of the old MP and pre FFR Apocalypse, but after reading everything on here this was what stuck out to me the most. I'd consider myself somewhat social, but for some reason whenever I come on here I become a ghost to even just trying to reach out to an old friend on here and just lurks. It's sad when I think about the countless hours and sleepless nights of fun I had with everyone of FFR Old. Maybe I'm just trying to fill a void inside me that I haven't noticed yet? Who knows.. but I think it's crazy how I've been trying to find something on here since 2012 that just seems to never come.

I guess what makes it harder is I haven't been able to play FFR since the end of 2017 as I was diagnosed with an extremely rare Auto-Immune disease (Stage 2 Dermatomyositis) which also affect my muscles and skin. So pretty much it'll be a long time before my fingers can speed through a chart as they could before. Though I may not have been the best, I enjoyed and talked about this site more than anyone would think.

My life may not have had many difficulties until I was randomly hit with this disease, so I"m not sure if I should post anything more lol

P.s. if anyone is interested in my condition or needs to reach out, please do! Also I posted a semi full story in another thread last year so I can link that if anyone is interested / put more updates from that point on here or there ... so lmk!
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Old 09-22-2019, 08:38 PM   #129
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welp I'm hoping your floating towards better times then
Thanks, I appreciate it and I hope things keep going in a good direction for you. If you ever wanna chat hmu on discord.

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I am leaving out a LOT of details, a LOT of names, and a LOT of what goes on in my head on a daily basis now because it does involve a ton of FFR members. most of them still active members. but I just want to put it out there that I struggle to even come back to FFR (even though I instinctively check it every day now), because I feel a lot of old relationships have been killed off and some old friends I tried reaching out to either want nothing to do with me or see me in a bad light in some way. but I am thankful for the friends that I still have now and even if I don't care if today's my last day or not, I'm not gonna do harm to myself and I choose to be optimistic as in like "hmmm let's see what's in store for tomorrow".
I'm getting close to this point in my story, I've had a lot go down that involves FFR and members from it that I won't be able to talk about. I personally hold no grudges against anyone, but there were things that definitely fucked me up at times.
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Old 09-23-2019, 12:49 AM   #130
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folded for page length or whatever. i feel guilty reading you guys spill your guts and me not contributing anything back
most of my memories are extremely blurry because of lack of doing anything at all (i think this is the reason at least) mixed with memory fog because of fibromyalgia, but i can remember a few vague dates for what i consider milestone events of some sort.

born 11/21/99

i have lived in a small unincorporated community in NE ohio my whole life (bristolville)

my earliest memory is when i was 4 years old, my mom was pushing my sister and i back to the car in one of those double seater grocery carts they have (had? maybe it was a double seated stroller). my sister was putting her arm over the divider and i pulled on it really hard and dislocated her shoulder, there was a lot of crying.

the next 8 or so years of life were completely uneventful. wake up, go to school, get home. maybe go to baseball practice or a game later in the day if it came up.

when i was around 12 years old or so, i feel like thats probably around when i "woke up" for a lack of a better term. just generally actually being aware of my surroundings, realizing other people were alive and had thoughts pretty much. i still think thats absolutely crazy. i also learned computers could do more than play gory stick figure games and play guitar hero youtube videos. life pretty much became a big mess of thoughts for me right when puberty started. my parents got divorced (which i guess hit me hard according to my mom but i dont remember any of it too well), so me, my mom, and sisters moved in with our grandparents which is where we still live to this day.

anyway, this is around where the computer stuff is important. thanks to the internet i had learned that lots of other religions existed, and that having no religion at all existed as well. a lot of me questioning my beliefs had started, and i ended up personally deciding that i was an atheist from that point forward after being a christian for my whole life. i was never really a practicing christian to begin with, aside from going to church a few times, but the point is that i stopped believing in god and an afterlife which really impacted how i felt about life.

i slowly fell into a deep depression coming into realization that there is really no point to life and suicidal thoughts were in my head for a really long time, but i never acted on them. my mom had tried to help me by getting me in touch with a few therapists over the next year or so, but that really just made it worse for me. i felt like my mom was trying to change who i was as a person rather than trying to help me cope with life leading to nothing at all. also the first therapist that came to the house diagnosed me with autism, which is strange because im not autistic. im just introverted and really didnt want to talk to any therapists. a few therapists later, i remember going to a hospital and seeing a psychologist who said my depression wasnt like standard depression, but more like an adult depression and i have no clue why i remember this. also got diagnosed with some pretty bad anxiety issues and ocd. a shitty triangle of mental illness which loops in on itself and only makes me hate the world and myself even more.

around 14 years old at this point, nihilistic is the only adjective i would apply to myself. i stopped doing school work, stopped paying attention, and was full recluse. i had ended up switching to an online based schooling from home. this of course was just so i didnt have to wake up at 6:30 am every day and sit under fluorescent lights for 8 and a half hours reminding me of how pointless school is just to get a piece of paper that says "i was here for 13 years, i am now employable" at the end of it.

16 years old. this is where the peak of my mental illness accumulated. i had started working a job at pizza hut which lasted for a month, but i just stopped going because of how much i hated it. the couple peers i had talked to outside my family i had completely cut contact with. i dropped out of the school that i had pretty much not been doing in the first place. i had stopped eating, doing basic hygiene, etc. lost a lot of weight (160>125 or so). i turned 17 about a month after this, and the next few months pretty much consisted of me waking up, laying in bed for 5 hours, getting up to go to the bathroom, laying in bed and then falling asleep.

a couple months into 2017 i kind of got a bit of a spark to start doing stuff again so i decided to take the GED test and got that diploma since i dropped out of school so i could seek employment. really a shitty kind of kick in my ass since it confirmed my thoughts on school being worthless considering i had not learned anything since i was around 13 years old. i still feel this way, fuck school.

may 2017 is where i started my second job, working at a plastic company making plastic molds at a press. 4 days a week, 12 hour shifts 7pm-7am. i also ended up quitting after a month because my fingers were swollen to the point where they looked like sausages. i was in extreme pain every day after coming home. according to people i talked to this wasnt normal, and i talked to my mom and she said i probably have fibromyalgia. so at this point i come to an understanding that most labor jobs are out of my reach because of pain. i realized that doing any small labor job caused me a shit ton of pain, and that just being generally tender and in pain all the time isnt what everyone feels like. this kind of threw a wrench in my plans of my life time dream of working in landscaping, so that wasnt too cool.

nothing really happened for 2 years after this, so come present day and im putting some effort forth to go to college to get a degree so i can work in an office, which is my new dream. my current interest is in meteorology, something i have really loved my whole life. add me on discord if you want to talk about weather specifically tornadoes those things are fricking cool. anyway, i just finished taking the ACT a week ago so i can start applying to schools once i get the results back. family is dirt poor and the job hunt has been unfruitful this past year, so i hope i can at least save up enough money to move if i have to for school. online school is not an option, been there done that it doesnt work for me.

i didnt really conclude the mental illness thing, so i'll say ive been getting better. i take care of myself now, ive gained 30 lbs in the past 2 years (up from 125 to 155 lbs, aiming for 170-180). im still pretty nihilistic but i dont have suicidal thoughts and not caring about life has actually made me a lot less anxious. death can come any time it wants and i'll be fine with it, but im not going to make it come any faster than it will naturally.

maybe in 5-10 years i can give an update and necro the thread if there isnt a new one by then.

i guess i'll conclude it by giving some rhythm game background since this is a rhythm game forum. pretty much everything ive done in rhythm games in ffr and sm specifically takes place between feb 2017 and now.
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Old 09-23-2019, 01:00 AM   #131
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wall of text incoming:

wooah Javier long time no see! I think over the years I realize I am extremely introverted but FFR has made it easier for me to socialize especially when I had my skills in the game to give a significant confidence boost. It's quite sad that quite a lot of people I was close to don't talk to me anymore for several reasons. In some cases I do give the benefit of the doubt: they're just very busy, moved on from the community, don't use social media or chat apps, etc. To be fair, I sometimes didn't make it easy by closing my Facebook and FFR profiles but at this point I just leave my Discord open and I respond as soon as I can outside my class hours.

one thing I wanted to vent today is now realizing the potential danger of alcohol more than ever. I never felt I was addicted, but I did have uncontrollable shakes after a christmas party when I drank 15 shots of vodka. welp, I had about 15-16 shots worth of Chivas Regal last night. I ate food so I couldn't gauge how drunk I'd get until about 11pm. I learned quite a bit about myself the following hours: I started messaging some friends of mine to strike up conversations but I think I bothered them so that got to me already. I sat in silence in a discord voice channel in hopes I'd make them laugh or join them in FFXIV for fun raid runs. They supposedly invited me but then they went to raid without me and I just turned off my laptop and wept uncontrollably. I thought crying was honestly impossible for me to experience when drunk but it happened, and the alcohol amplified that feeling of rejection. I really am counting my blessings that I am not in a destructive path with alcohol but I won't take risks and will strictly stick with water for the time being.

hey Kayla, yeah I don't think I have any grudges with anyone from this community except maybe a few but it'll probably be another while where I can truly move on from it. I actually got a tattoo on my left arm for my 25th birthday which has so much meaning to me and I plan to get more in the future!
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Old 09-23-2019, 03:44 PM   #132
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Mostly, I’ve done the minimum it takes to avoid being scolded by family (the only I found out is by being scolded). My parents pushed me to do my best in school and were content if I sustained an A/B average (they modified their all-A expectations after my attention shifted towards games after I received a Gameboy Advance in 3rd grade). I felt that gaming and keeping to myself were better for me, having been made fun of for being socially awkward. This division between a perceived “popular” group and my socially-inept tribe has impacted my relationships with key individuals at many points in my life.

My parents were seriously concerned that I wouldn’t be able to function in school after witnessing my gaming addiction (multiple hours per day, etc.) so I was taken to a psychologist to be evaluated for ADHD. The results came back – apparently had “a little of everything” according to my parents (in other words, not much that could be done)… I was started on methylphenidate for a short while, but my mom reported that it made me “zombie-like” so I ceased taking it. The first time I felt some sort of purpose in my work was when I joined the band as a clarinet player in 6th grade. It marked the first time I could get significant results with minimal effort. My parents made me promise to take clarinet lessons to get a step up instrument for 7th grade. This was tremendously beneficial for me, but I never took full advantage of the opportunity because my primary focus was handheld gaming and the aforementioned doing the least to avoid being scolded.

Well, high school started and things were looking pretty much the same. I always wanted to try dating before high school, but never really worked up the courage to ask others out after being made fun of for liking a popular girl from 4th grade. 11th grade came around, and I found a senior who really interested me. I was able to spend more time with this group, but to my disdain, they were really into partying/illicit substances. It probably upset me most because I associated these activities with a group of people that made me feel that I was an outsider. I considered speaking with this senior about spending more time together, but another guy who was interested beat me to the punch and bragged with his friends about having his way with her. This made its way to me because he was part of the same group. Of course I was upset – when I finally vented my feelings to my friends, they couldn’t understand where I was coming from at all and we distanced ourselves from each other. That’s was the first time I felt I had lost a solid group of people. I entered my first relationship in the middle of senior year, but that lasted very shortly, due to this person’s friend group reminding me of the former. Then I went off to college to start working towards a career in medicine.

This is where the pressure of school kicked me in the head. I felt that the consequences of not doing well in classes would absolutely jeopardize my future, but did not make the necessary improvements to ensure success. After getting a couple of Cs from a summer Chemistry course and some fallout in the next semester, I decided to switch my major to Psychology but continue working towards medicine. This switch was one of my best moves in education: I found plenty of supportive peers and professors that convinced me to take school more seriously. During junior year, I entered my third relationship which was initially the most fun I’d had… This relationship really screwed me over towards the end and long after not working out – a combination of neglect, uncertainty (pre-marital relations being viewed as unacceptable by her religion), worrying about what others think, and a group that resembled the one I had struggled with in high school. I was able to keep my grades on an upward trajectory from the end, but I felt a depression and longing that persisted into my next relationship.

… Come summer of 2017, I find out that I was accepted into a medical school while studying abroad. My family and I were elated. I thought this would be a turning point where I worried less about competition and could focus on relevant studies to a future career. I was completely mistaken: experienced the opposite of my expectations. These experiences pushed me closer to the edge. After talking things over with my family and the school psychologist and psychiatrist, I decided to take a leave of absence. Maybe there was a chance that I could return to medical school… but I hadn’t convinced myself that I was ready for that challenge. I chose to leave and begin my application for a master’s of nursing at my home university.

One and a half years later, after almost losing my mind during arguments with my family over whether or not my suicidal ideation and depression were real, and giving my all to my work as a pharmacy technician, I’m back in school for that nursing degree. I already know that this is a step in the right direction. I just need to push myself through this accelerated program so that I can really begin taking life into my own hands (not that it couldn’t be done before… but I feel so much more confident now). I’m still in my fourth relationship – with someone who has really pushed me to better myself and accept my shortcomings. I’ve dropped some of my resentment towards others; it’s not my place to judge what is best for them. I hope that they’ll continue to treat others well and take care of themselves. What I want is to be part of a community that embraces and find solutions for people from any background. Eventually, I want to take my education as far as I can – to become an expert at a procedure, or to advise and help implement changes that make people want to take health matters into their own hands.



I came upon an FFR widget on onemorelevel.com sometime in middle school and made my account in the 8th grade (mid-late 2008). Even though I’ve “wasted” so many hours playing this game and never really getting on good terms with the members here, I greatly appreciate what it has done for me. This is how I discovered the kind of music that really resonated with me (ex. The Flashbulb, Venetian Snares). My search for music related to these artists featured on FFR eventually lead me to sputnikmusic.com in the time before going off to college. Most of the music I listen to now is influenced by a couple of particular members there + those artists who have influenced of my current favorite artists: ASC being #1, hands down.



Thanks for sharing your stories everyone. I love to see that people have been through so much and are continuing to push onwards. For those who feel they aren’t brave for keeping to themselves… there’s no obligation, don’t sweat it.
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Old 09-23-2019, 04:29 PM   #133
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ok i was purposefully not commenting on people's stories but i gotta say wscb im both super duper jelly and in awe 'cause you were able to do the thing that i tried so hard to do last year (get into med school). not that that's really an integral part of your story it seems like, but if you had the aptitude for that then i'm sure you'll succeed in things that you're passionate about. gl with finishing your degree!

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I really am counting my blessings that I am not in a destructive path with alcohol but I won't take risks and will strictly stick with water for the time being.
not taking risks is good. if it makes you feel any better though, i don't think you're close to the path rn. granted binge drinking poses health risks on its own, and your body might be telling you something if you're getting tremors after a night of heavy drinking.
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Old 09-24-2019, 10:24 PM   #134
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I guess I'm going to try to gather my thoughts and put them all down here, though it'll probably be broken down into a few posts over time cause I’m honestly not sure I can relive everything in a day.

My childhood idk, I don't remember a ton of it. I know I was bullied and made fun of a lot in school, so maybe that's why I don't really recall a lot of it. I was born with weight/health issues beyond my control and despite being a super active kid, it's persisted. I guess outside that my childhood was sort of normal. My dad worked at a roller rink, so I spent most of my time there.
There are a few things that went down in my early teens, but they're kind of vague now and I guess not super relevant. Shit really started taking a major turn when I turned 15.

It would take a lot to really explain it all but going to try to make it as simple as possible, I don’t remember too much of the earlier part of the year. I know I’d always felt like a loser ‘cause all my friends had boyfriends/girlfriends and I had never had one. Most of them had already had sex by this time as well, so I questioned what was wrong with me. Then comes in my first boyfriend August of that year. I was excited blah blah, but then he was already starting behaviors that should have made me run. Cheating, lying, breaking up w me back together blah blah. But I was so down on myself I didn’t want to lose my chance at a relationship and kept putting up with it. Lost my virginity to this dude Nov of that year. I was excited about this though and shared it with a couple of my close guy friends. I never really had too many girls who were friends, I was always a tomboy. But this also resulted in when my bf decided he was going to break things off again two of my guy friends that knew took advantage of that. Which was probably the start of why I have such a skewed view on sex compared to most people.

So to top things off with this crazy ass relationship I had going on, my parents decided to tell us the day after Christmas that year that they were getting a divorce. For me at the time it was devastating. I know compared to a lot of things in life it seems minor, but it really fucked me up. Especially when my dad broke down crying to me about how he fucked up. I’ll never forget that moment. Two weeks later after they told us they were divorcing we got a phone call from my uncle I’ll never forget. We got home and I ran in and pressed play on the answering machine (yep, I’m that old) only to hear my uncle’s panicked voice about how something happened to my other uncle and to call back. I still hear it in my head. As it would turn out, my uncle died of a drug overdose that day. I had just gotten my first guitar that Xmas too, the last photo we have of him is him tuning it up for me. He was supposed to teach me ‘cause he was in a band and all that jazz. But yeah anyway, it was kind of a lot all at once.

I don’t recall exactly when the abuse started with my boyfriend. It was subtle at first, then started to escalate more and more as the days went on. Started out with verbal abuse, then eventually migrated to sexual abuse. He’d penetrate me with whatever he pleased, he even videoed me performing sex acts and I was a minor, so there’s that too. He’d show it to friends and whatnot, as far as I know another “friend” of mine actually stole the tape for himself at some point. He’d also force me to have sex while others watched. I don’t remember when the hitting started, I don’t remember how many times or all the reasons why I’d get hit, but there’s a few that stand out in my mind. Hell I even still have the letters of him apologizing as abusers do. One time it was because I dropped a cup and it broke, he was angry so he took the pieces of glass and proceeded to cut me with them. Another time he fucked another girl while I was there and he knew I was upset, I mean c'mon. So I got a crowbar thrown at me. He nearly knocked me out another time when he slammed my head down into the shifter of his truck after he was out cheating on me again. I remember blacking out for a brief moment. He nearly broke my neck at someone’s house, had a knife to my throat, tried running me down with his car, idk there’s so many instances of abuse, and this is something I lived with for 3 years of my life before I finally decided I’d rather just fucking die then spend another minute being abused by this guy.

He also got me into legal trouble. We went to a friend’s house of mine and he decided to steal some shit like the asshole he was. I didn’t even know what went down until it was too late. My friend’s dad was an ex-cop and this dumbass stole hollow point bullets and some other shit. My dad found it in my room while we were out and called the cops. I got to come home high AF to cops at my fucking house and a shitton of pot on me. That was fucking great let me tell you. I was so fucked up at the time though and idk why, wondering if I’d been slipped something else cause I was nodding out. I fell asleep for like a solid 24hrs straight after the cops hauled him off. I had to go through court proceedings and all that bullshit. I ended up on probation and having to do community service. Which I ended up fucking up at one point and got locked up for. All because he committed a crime and I didn’t report it so I was an accessory. It didn’t matter that he’d have fucked me up if I had done something against him. So I got ganged up on in lock up, fucked up pretty good one night by these three girls. That was super. I got out and went back to the whole community service bullshit. My very last day there put me in a bad situation which resulted in me being raped. I still remember every fucking moment of that day, and I still blame myself for it happening. I didn’t tell anyone about it for like a good year too. But I’ll get more into the details another time. I’m a bit worn already just from typing this bit up so I guess here’s your first glimpse into my life.


Last photo of my uncle

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Alright so let’s see if I can continue this fun story. I’m really bad at remembering things in order so there’s probably going to be times I jump back to events after going “oh yeah” on something I’d forgotten to include in the first place.

Like oh, more on my lovely first boyfriend. His mother actually stood there when he punched me in the face one day and I was like “see” her response “I saw nothing” it’s no wonder he was such a shithead she enabled him so hard. But anyway, yeah so we left off with a super abusive first boyfriend, parents divorce, uncle dying of an overdose to legal woes leading up to my being raped.

It was such a stupid situation, and it just would figure that it’d be my very last day of community service. I don’t think there will ever be a day I don’t blame myself though. Maybe I should have fought harder, idk. I remember trying to leave and him pinning me to the wall, his grip so tight on my wrists. I kept trying to pull away and verbally get him to stop, but I guess I just didn’t have the clear presence of mind to think of doing something like kicking him in the nuts. You think of all this shit after the fact, but when you’re in the moment it’s like total shutdown, well at least I guess for me. I finally gave up when I saw the knife cause I mean what’s worse? Being stabbed or just giving in and letting this dude get his rocks off? I still can feel his weight on me, the tears streaming down my face and him chuckling asking if it was too big. He did his thing and let me go. I’m fortunate in the regards of not ending up with some disease or some shit cause, of course, he didn’t use protection, and yes I’ve been tested, multiple times cause I’m a paranoid freak about that shit after everything that’s gone down. Anyway, went back to my car and completely had a meltdown. I don’t even know how long I sat there crying, or even what I did after it now. It’s a pretty big blur. I should have said something, I should have done something more, but it was too late by the time I found the courage to admit what had happened to me to a couple of friends and the only reason I even opened up to them is because they’d been through sexual trauma in some way or another.

(so this whole section goes back to before the rape) Gosh, so where to go from there. Oh, I guess I should mention that my parent’s divorce was the start of me not having a super stable home. My mom decided she couldn’t handle me and my shitty boyfriend. So instead of trying to you know, make sure her daughter wasn’t getting her ass beat she sent me off to live with my father. Who, because of the divorce basically started acting like a teenager again in some regards. He also would do anything to piss my mom off, so he took me to get my tongue pierced and a tattoo when I was 16. He didn’t earn very much, so we lived in a 1br apartment where I used the dining room as my bedroom. To provide some kind of wall we set up a dresser. Oh yeah, I guess I need to mention I’d already left my other school, I was cutting all the time and hated it. But when I moved back in with my dad, I tried to go back and went into the vo-tech for automotive. But it didn’t last long because my dad didn’t provide anything for me other than the room. Everything else I needed I had to get for myself. So I quit school completely and worked two jobs. He didn’t put food in the house, we didn’t have a phone and I wasn’t old enough to sign any contracts so eventually I got myself a prepaid cell phone just so I’d have something. I was basically never home, always out with the asshole and his friends. Who all used me for every penny they could. I’m not sure I had a single legit friend in my life at this point. The number of times I had to bail people out and shit...

Oh yeah, I also came to find out more recently after talking to someone from the old group that apparently my ex would let them touch me in my sleep. He talked about how he (the “friend”) fingered me while I was sleeping and shit. So there’s that too. Lord knows what else went down with whom that I’m unaware of.
So hmm, eventually my dad decided he couldn’t afford the place anymore without a roommate but being a 1br guess who got the boot? I’d finally gotten away from the abusive ex though so my mom brought me back into her house. It was never a good thing when we’d live together though. I remind her too much of my father so she’s always been hostile towards me. It’s only now finally started to get a little better. I didn’t last too long at her house though, I’d met someone new and they lived in a house in PA with some friends that I eventually actually just got abandoned at by my friend. She dropped me off one night and just took off for like a good two weeks and I had no way home. That was an all bad situation for a lot of reasons though. No one had stable work, there was never food or anything really. It was a fucking mess, to say the least. Eventually, they lost the place because they couldn’t pay the mortgage. If I’m not losing my mind here from there we moved back to my dad’s place because the roommate he had bailed on him. But my ex didn’t love the idea of staying with my dad so that lasted only a few months before the same friend who’d abandoned me at one point said “hey I have a place you guys should come live here” the bf at the time was insistent cause he didn’t wanna live with my dad so off we went. The place there lasted all of two weeks before my friend decided she didn’t like it anymore and moved us all back to Easton PA. It was a pretty nice place, but again no one had the money to support it. So I think we got maybe like two months out of it before once again having to move. This time she’d had the idea of getting a rent to own place with her then-boyfriend and all of us. Which was fine I guess. I started working two jobs, I would work on cars at Sears automotive all day in NJ, run home to clean up real fast then waitress at night in PA. I was also taking care of my then bf’s son who was with us. So you know, things were looking up or so it seemed when she decided to spring on us, “oh we’re moving to VA so you guys have to move out and you’re on your own” So yep, off we go again into a new place, this time it was myself, my, bf at the time and one other who was rooming with us and had nowhere to go. It started okay but then I kept bringing in people who needed a place to go and it became a fiasco. Lived off a lot of ramen in those times too. I think we managed to make it a whole like 4 months in that place before having to move on yet again. This time we moved back into my dad’s place but took it over because he was moving to SC and still had time on his lease.

Rip taking another detour back cause I remembered another event and yes, I know I’m a fucking idiot okay. So there was one day I couldn’t get ahold of my bf (the abuser) and I didn’t know what was going on. He was supposed to meet me. I walked all over trying to find one of my friends who drove but no one was around. I was 16 so I wasn’t old enough to have a license and shit yet. This guy kept driving by me and eventually stopped asking if I needed help. My stupid ass at first was like nope don’t go there, but then was like he seems harmless enough and I was afraid of getting my ass beat if I didn’t find a way to my bf’s house. Anyways, this guy instead of taking me to my bf’s starts driving around with me, he’s got a flask in his car he’s drinking from offered me some but I declined. He decided at some point to get on the highway and of course I’m like freaking out and have no idea what to do at this point. He pulls over in this little like rest area next to the highway and was like “I’ve never kissed a 16yr old before” and this dude had to be like late 40s early 50s I guess. Soooo yeah he starts kissing me and feeling me up. He started asking me if he thought my dad would let me go to Atlantic City with him for a weekend. You know where that was going… Eventually, he started driving again and did take me up to my bf’s house who of course by then wasn’t there anymore so he took me back down into town and dropped me off where he picked me up. Of course, then I was able to find my “friends” and shit. That situation could have ended so much worse, I’m lucky it didn’t.

Okay, that was a fun detour, on to the back at my dad’s old place in NJ. I had been getting sick on and off for a little while by this point. Oh actually shit, at some point this bf and I had stayed at my mom’s for a stint too. I don’t remember in between where now though, I only remember it because I’d gotten violently ill one night. I think it was before heading to my dad’s then through all the moves, but I honestly don’t remember now. Anyway, this is now 2007 and I was really sick again, the pain was unbearable and I tried reaching my mom to take me to the hospital. But had no luck. My ex was there with his son so I wasn’t going to make him take me. Eventually, I drove myself to the hospital doubled over in the worst pain I’d ever felt in my life up to this point. I remember going in and begging to be put into a bed right away, of course I got “you have to see triage first” I’m sitting there head on their desk filling out the paperwork. Eventually get to triage and she asks me my pain on a scale of 1 - 10, I tell her 10 immediately and she goes “clearly you’ve never given birth” I’m assuming they thought I was drug seeking, but holy fuck I don’t know how one couldn’t clearly see the pain I was in. I’d never even had a painkiller in my life before at this point. Finally, I get back into a room and it was a nurse I was familiar with from my regular doctor’s office so that was nice. She got me something to help with the pain as I got tested. She came back in and told me I had to be admitted because I had gallstones which resulted in pancreatitis so bad it damn near killed me. Normally for most gallstones isn’t too big a deal and just a schedule surgery back home the next day but I was in such bad shape I had to stay in the hospital for a week before they could even consider surgery because they had to clear the pancreatitis. Which meant I couldn’t eat or drink anything, including water that whole week. I spent most of my time there alone, my mom popped in a few times. I was pretty terrified as you can probably imagine. I’d never had anything major in terms of my health before and having to undergo surgery freaked me out. I also had no insurance at the time, so by the time all was said and done I came out with over 100k in medical debts.

Well, this has gotten super long already so I guess I’ll leave it at this for now. Not sure anyone will even actually read all this shit, but guess it’s good to get it all out either way.


Fuck it, been a few hours lets see how much more I can get out of myself here. Alright so left off in 2007, specifically Feb when I had to have surgery, no medical insurance etc etc.

So my then ex was living with me in my dad’s apartment as I mentioned, he wasn’t necessarily the worst guy but he was fucking around with the stripper chick that lived next door and could never hold a fucking job so whatever. I eventually said get out, it was extremely hard for me because I was incredibly attached to his son and his family. We were supposed to get married, had been together for 2yrs by this point. It was tough to let go, but I couldn’t keep going the way things were going. So this all probably sounds weird ‘cause he was already an ex but still staying with me, so I’d also sort of started seeing a friend of mine. It wasn’t anything serious until my ex left, then he moved in with me and we were supposed to keep the apartment together. But alas, another dude that for some reason couldn’t hold a job. He was even offered work by my mom’s then-boyfriend doing demolition and it paid well. I remember he’d agreed to it then was like “I’m not going” I didn’t want to leave the guy hanging so I went and I did the work. I wasn’t that far out of surgery either so that kind of pisses me off. Anyway, I couldn’t really afford to keep the apartment so we moved into his old room at his dad’s house. This only lasted a few months before he decided to start going out and cheating on me. So off to my mother’s place I went again for a while.

So I was working, just trying to get my life together when all of a sudden I got a random tongue swell. I’d assumed I somehow developed some sort of food allergy. I was also having a lot of issues with major dizzy spells and generally feeling unwell. So started the fun of going through doctor after doctor, hospital after hospital and specialist after specialist. Now at this point, I did have some insurance, not great insurance but at least something. I also at some point discovered that there was a massive leak in a car I was financing from this shitty bad credit car dealerships. So it was mold-infested in the headliner and I never knew it, probably what was making me sick. But of course no one would help me and I couldn’t get any legal action taken against the dealer. Finally, I met with an allergist that after testing me for like every food allergy ever had a lightbulb moment and tested me for hereditary angioedema. The test came back positive for this shitty ass condition with no cure and at the time basically no treatment options. So here I was with this diagnosis and mold toxicity issues, I couldn’t work which pissed my mom off of course. She couldn’t possibly understand how fucked up I was at the time apparently. Because of the tongue swelling, I basically stopped eating all together aside from like a single piece of chicken in a day and some mashed potatoes. I was terrified something would trigger another swelling attack. So I avoided everything. Then all the medical bills came in, well, thanks to my new diagnosis the insurance company claimed pre-existing condition and denied all my claims. So yay for more medical debts \o/

Since I was confined to my room I spent a lot of time online, where I eventually found what would be my next wonderful relationship. I don’t remember exactly what we met on now because there were a few social media things in 2008, I’m actually leaving out another boyfriend from before the diagnosis that cheated and lied to me, but that’s the majority of people I’ve dated anyway. So, I finally agree to start hanging out with him, you know just friends for starters but I explained to him I wasn’t well. He was fine with it. We started hanging out a lot then eventually dating. My mom lost her shit and told me to get out yet again because I wasn’t being exactly what she wanted me to be. She couldn’t understand the horrible anxiety attacks I’d started having by this point too. So I ended up moving into my bf’s parent’s place with him. Things were going sort of okay, there were definitely a lot of great moments, but as it turned out he was a drug addict and was sneaking shit behind my back. I’d notice odd behavior here and there and eventually, I found out. I still stuck around, thought I could be a rock to help him move on from it cause he expressed wanting to. I tried to get working again but it didn’t last long because I still wasn’t feeling great and was having anxiety attacks at work. So he went to work in my place basically but one night sort of started to break it off from me before work? It was weird. But I didn’t want to be alone, no one was home and I was freaking out so I asked one of his friends to come to hang out in the shed with me. His shed was set up as a place to jam and had like a poker table and stuff. Figured this was a neutral okay spot to chill. Well, apparently he assumed I was hitting on him inviting him over and put me in an awkward spot. It didn’t get too far other than me giving him like a sad handjob to try to placate things for the time being because I really didn’t know what could happen, plus after being raped and all in the past I mean, idk. It was a bad situation. So then apparently he feels guilty and tells my bf about it before I could, which I’d had every intention of doing so but didn’t want to do it while he was at work. This asshole shows up at his job with his other friends to tell him. So this mixed with his drug abuse fueled a lot of fucked-up rage and stuff towards me. He was also paranoid and accused me of fucking his friend even though we’d both said that wasn’t the case, whatever. Eventually one night it boiled over and he put me into a wall waking his mother who kicked me out in the middle of the night with nowhere to go.


As I keep writing I realize more and more how much I leave out but at the same time I'd probably have to write a novel to actually put all this shit out there. So hopefully this is at least kind of giving the gist of it and I'm open to whatever questions people have too about anything that's off. It's hard for me to just sit down and write it all out this way.


Alright so at this point it’s like 4am and I’ve got nowhere to go and no one to call. I end up getting in touch with my ex with the son who comes to pick me up from my, well now, other ex’s place. He doesn’t have a place so he can’t house me, he was staying with family who now hated me for breaking things off. I went and hung out with a friend for a bit so he could go do some things and then he picked me up and I basically lived in his car for a bit until I could get my funds to get a place. Which that’s a whole fucking long story too, but basically he’d stolen my money in a stupid oversight from the bank and whatever, it’s just a pain in the ass and fucked things up. Anyway, he knew of an open place in PA because his friend live in the building, 2br for $650 a month. Hell yeah I can manage that on the unemployment I was getting for the time being. He asked to live with me and I figured well, if you work and do your part sure, so he moved in as well. Shortly after Frankie also moved in with us, which I won’t get into a whole lot surrounding all of that out of respect, but we definitely all had some issues at times. There’s people here who will know what went down.

So this is now 2009, and the time I started getting heavily into FFR. I’d played on and off for years prior, but never seriously like I did at this point.By now I was having such severe anxiety attacks they’d send me to the hospital because it felt like heart attacks. It got so bad I couldn’t leave my apartment, I’d barely eat and I’d not eat anything my hands touched for fear of germs. It was a really whacked out time in my life. I basically did nothing but play FFR and chat with people. I also started having trouble with my wisdom teeth, which to this day is not resolved. I can’t really talk too much about this time period because it involves a lot of people from the community, some here, some gone now. But out of respect I won’t speak of the good nor bad ‘cause it may involve things they don’t want disclosed. The only thing I’ll bring up was I met AJ the summer of that year on FFR and we’d started chatting regularly.

After talking for about 6 months I guess it was, AJ finally made the decision to move in with me. He wrote his story here and I don’t recall everything he’d mentioned, but his home life wasn’t really sitting well with him and this offered him a fresh start. So by the end of Jan 2010 I had a Halogen in my house. That started a whole new hilarious dynamic with the other two living there at the time, but again I’m gonna shush. There were a lot of ups and downs that happened, I got the surprise! You’re pregnant! May of that year and that summer we ended up losing the place because we had too many people and it was against fire code. So two went their separate ways, AJ, myself and my ex along with his new GF moved into a place. But they both refused to work or contribute so my dad offered for us to stay in SC with him and my stepmother. My stepmom has never been that great towards me, not the worst but she can be really nasty at times. A lot of crap happened down there that I honestly just don’t feel like typing up but let's just say we were there from Oct till two weeks after Saphira was born and then we were Jersey bound once again.
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Old 09-26-2019, 01:45 AM   #135
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Default Re: life story thread

Might contribute here at some point, but writing long stories are sort of tricky because of my short attention span
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Old 09-27-2019, 01:55 AM   #136
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Default Re: life story thread

Warning: This post talks extensively and explicitly about a dysfunctional sex life, so if that's not your cup of tea - skip it. It all has a very important impact on the direction of my life.

TL: DR Communicate with your partner instead of trying to save their feelings. We all have different needs that will come out eventually.

-------------------------------------

I met my future wife in high school and we didn't really hit it off right away. We were both introverted people, her a bit moreso than myself. I had really hit my stride though by senior year. It was probably one of the happiest years of my life. I had a sizeable group of friends (mostly band kids) and an active social life. This was a real change for me. The ten years prior, my behavior was primarily guided by defensive mechanisms. I asked out 2-3 girls throughout the beginning and middle of the year with no luck. But in the spring of the senior year, I asked my future wife out, and the rest was history. We wen't off to the same college, and later moved into an apartment for my last two years of school.

All seemed well on paper, but there were some early signs that maybe we weren't perfect for each other. Day to day interactions were great - we rarely fought and spent our days together. Underneath, there were sexual tensions and my future wife's lurking depression and anxiety. We would fool around, but we were saving the actual act until marriage. Maybe this was just stalling deeper issues, but at the time, we were both on the same page. Neither of us wanted to communicate more deeply on the matter because we didn't want to hurt each other's feelings. We decided to get married after graduation, and we moved back to our hometown with her parents.

I got a job working at a grocery store, which I later turned into a career. We were married in the fall and had our honeymoon somewhere fancy, but local (not a whole lot of money). That night we were too exhausted, but the following morning we had our first go of it. To me, it was amazing, the sharing act of two people, bodies joining together. I've always felt a need for having an intimate connection with someone. It's like admitting that there's too much pain and suffering in the world, and the only sweet relief if finding someone you can completely let your guard down to and expose your unfettered self to. My wife did not have the same experience, she would feel excited to get started, but unsatisfied once things were getting going. Her mother had always told her that she would really like it when she tried it, and even after more attempts, it didn't hold her interest. She felt that something was wrong with her and tried to save me from the reality.

I, meanwhile, eagerly anticipated opportunities for courtship, while she began trying to avoid them. I knew deep down I wanted more and she wanted less, but it was so gradually building tension, our reluctance to discuss it rooted in saving face with each other. Despite all this, we decided to have a child and it didn't take long before we had one on the way.

We raised her together, taking turns changing diapers, rocking her, feeding her, doing all the things young couples are supposed to do. All the while, her depression got worse - a feeling that something was wrong with her for not being satisfied with what she had. We finally began talking about it here and there, but still very sheepishly. I suggested we try some new things, or simply "practice" until we found something she liked. Nothing seemed to work, and she tried to avoid it more often.

For a couple years, I still slept in the same bed with her, and I would avoid coming to bed while she was still awake. I had always been very attracted to her and it was brutal lying next to her. I had to get out of my mind what I wanted us to be and accept the reality in front of me. Another example, in private, younger me would playfully grab her from behind - but our relationship gradually progressed into platonic-ness. While I yearned for much more, our status as lovers was dying a slow, painful death.

At this point, she would occasionally do things, but solely to appease me. The imbalance was weighing on her. It got to a point where she would say "Do what you want" and I did what I felt I had to do. It felt like a strong urge, a hunger. My soul just itched for a more intimate connection, but would take the 'decaf' of lifeless sex to get by. We stopped attempting penetrating sex, sticking to rubbing and touching solely to satisfy me. I am not proud of this time - it made her depression worse and increased her feelings of failure. She tried to hide her feelings from me but I knew she wasn't into it and I should've known better. It all led up to one "Do what you need" night where I was rubbing on her and touching her, she started to cry. I stopped and rightfully felt a sudden shame for actions. I had done ugly things, and for a long time after, I went celibate. I couldn't undo what we had done, the grayness of it I've never really talked about before. It feels nasty and unsavory in hindsight but felt like such a need in the moment. I still feel some guilt for taking her "ok's" when I knew she wan't really interested. It really is such a beautiful act, but I had bastardized it for the sake of getting off.

We discussed that maybe she she'd find a girl to date, so that she could find out if she preferred women. We decided to have an open relationship, not being super public about it, but looking none the less. A bit later, she met another guy at work she was interested in. This threw me for a loop, but I rolled along with it because her depression had become quite worse. On one hand, I wanted her to have new experiences, but on the other, I couldn't help but feel like the failure for not being interesting in that way to her. They never amounted to much more than a kiss, but it did lead us to have some deep conversations and soul searching about what we were at this point. I wanted her to have new experiences out there, but was deeply jealous. It broke me a bit on the inside to see her with another guy.

She later dated another guy or two and found out she really just isn't turned on my men. Attracted to them, yes, but not in that way. Honestly, I was a bit relieved. It meant that I wasn't some big outlier to her, and that was some solace. I started dating a guy at this point for the first time. (Oh, I'm Bi, by the way) I started looking for a guy because I didn't know if she'd be jealous of a girl, and I also was looking for new experiences. The guy I met I am still dating today, and he's like an uncle to my daughter at this point.

My wife began dating a transgender (MtF) girl and finally found a partner that she can truly be intimate with. I am happy for her, and while her depression never completely goes away, it is much better than it was before. We still have love for each other, but much more at a distance. We live together, but now in separate bedrooms. While we are both getting much more of what we want now, I can't help but feel mournful for the slow decay of our relationship. We live together now primarily because we think it's what's best for our daughter. Our marriage now is mostly a sheet of paper, a relic of a past that was not meant to be.

I primarily wanted to tell my story here to make this point - don't sugarcoat the truth from your partner. My wife and I both were guilty of this time and time again and it just dragged it out. It is much better to spout the truth and see if they can handle it. I also wanted to talk about sex because it can be so difficult to approach the topic for the highly personal nature of it. Sex really is a beautiful act of two people laying themselves completely down before one another. If both parties aren't saying a resounding "lets go" in words and body language - it's not worth it. Find the right person and it will be amazing for you and them.

Whomever needed to see this, don't make the same mistakes I've made. And if you have, learn from them.
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Old 09-27-2019, 02:55 AM   #137
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Gonna see if maybe I can close this out and summarize a bit better. Aj and I bounced around for a bit longer while trying to find solid footing somewhere. From SC we stayed at my mom's temporarily in NJ, then got our own apartment. My job fucked me and cut my hours so we moved to Chicago with his father and his at the time girlfriend. We discovered a mold infestation that made me really sick and I swelled up bad. We stayed in a hotel for a few days and I'd posted on Facebook about what happened seeking help for the situation cause we'd lost a lot of belongings too. This resulted in AJ's dad's gf flipping out on me for posting "her business" which no one on my page knew her but whatever. So she kicked us out. So we rented an SUV, took what we could and drove out to MD to stay with my aunt. By this time I was pregnant with Ariana.

We both got jobs at the kohl's ecommerce and stayed at my aunt's for 5 weeks before getting a place out here. I had Ariana and things were okayish I guess. But we had no car and the area we lived in wasn't a good one. So once again we set off to a better area, or so we thought. Only to get ripped off by the complex and find out it wasn't so great there after all. Though during this time I will note is when AJ and I had started hitting kind of a weird breaking point. I guess it was more on my end, but basically things were rocky on and off and I mean I think most couples have their moments. Now I'm pretty sure he's okay with me talking about his sexuality and if I'm wrong, I'm super sorry AJ. But I'd also come across by accident a folder on his PC containing same sex art well just say it. So I approached him gently about it and that's when he told me he'd always been bi-curious but without doing anything didn't really know.

So this is where we finally ended up in an open relationship. I brought it up to him and he kinda looked at me sideways at first but lol we went for it and it honestly ended up being the best thing for us. Now we'd had a plan for him to get a chance to explore his sexuality but then someone else came into the picture prior to the person that it was supposed to be. I have to be vague because basically from this point forth anyone we've done anything with is from one rhythm game community or another. But anyways, before anything happened we moved yet again, to our 3br townhome which was pretty nice for the most part, but shitty landlords. This is when that person finally flew out for a visit and things went good for the most part. Few hiccups but hey, learning curve right? Ultimately feelings were had and we'd thought about doing the whole poly thing, which cool fine I'm open to it, he is as well. But as it would turn out this person admitted to me later to basically using me to get to AJ cause they'd be interested in him for a long time.

This ended up fucking me up pretty hard emotionally for a bit. Over the next few years we had some heartbreaks for both of us trying to let people in, so that wasn't great. I mostly stick to the sex aspect of things because frankly I don't really care for the emotional stuff much anymore and I don't connect the two. Whereas AJ tends to look for a deeper connection I think. We've had our solo deals with hooking up and times we've hooked up together. Most of the times it was like that it was fun and lighthearted but seems any time emotions got involved with anyone it was a mess. I had a few people screw me over to the point where I was suicidal again, AJ had made some mis-steps at this point too. Niether of us are perfect, so I'm not trying to call him out or anything just trying to explain to me my world was falling apart. Between my medical crap and the pressure of just trying to survive and dealing with a lot of people doing some shitty things it was just bad times.

So yeah I really overall have to leave a lot out because of it being so closely related to the community in various ways, and honestly trying to tell my whole story is exhausting lol. So basically we stayed at that place for 4yrs. His mom moved in with us cause she was screwed over by the hurricane hitting Puerto Rico, zenith also lives here with us. We moved from that place to the one we're in now because we found mold again. Now basically I've been faced with more medical crap, had to have my appendix out, they found large teratomas in my ovaries that I need taken care of and my wisdom teeth are really fucked. I've been in agony for days lately. Normally they don't give me too much pain, just been really jacked up for the last decade. But I can't do shit about it because I need pre-treatment meds which are like 30k, I need it done in a hospital setting and need an oral surgeon even willing to do it, which I've been turned away a lot for years. I also lost my health insurance so that doesn't help.

But yeah, that's basically where things are now. Hopefully this all gave at least some sort of glimpse into my life and if anyone wants to talk/ask anything feel free. I'm almost always on discord n stuff. Honestly could use the company.
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yeah I'mma go for the Rave7 route she's just perfect, stiff on the top, thin in the middle, and has a BIG THICC END that I can just jack on all night UwU best girl
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Old 09-27-2019, 09:24 AM   #138
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Shit psychoangel, you've been through the ringer let me tell you. I feel ashamed of my own story in comparison as the sole cause of my current situation (drug addict) is myself. It's been escalating too, last night I decided to play Breath of the Wild and do speed all night and it was a blast, until about 2 hours ago when I realized I was going to have to go to work strung out and anxious. To compensate I took a ton of Xanax and now I feel like a zombie struggling not to get a panic attack. Kind of just opened up about my situation with a coworker and I feel a lot better. Starting to realize my problem is escalating and I might have bit off more than I can chew. I need to take a weekend off
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Old 09-27-2019, 10:25 AM   #139
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Shit psychoangel, you've been through the ringer let me tell you. I feel ashamed of my own story in comparison as the sole cause of my current situation (drug addict) is myself. It's been escalating too, last night I decided to play Breath of the Wild and do speed all night and it was a blast, until about 2 hours ago when I realized I was going to have to go to work strung out and anxious. To compensate I took a ton of Xanax and now I feel like a zombie struggling not to get a panic attack. Kind of just opened up about my situation with a coworker and I feel a lot better. Starting to realize my problem is escalating and I might have bit off more than I can chew. I need to take a weekend off
Don't be ashamed of your story, we all face different demons in life. I do hope you find a way to get clean. Actually didn't even get around to it in my story because I honestly would have to write a book to cover everything properly and such. I made only one friend out here MD (this doesn't include Sara and Frankie who live out here too cause I've known them forever) he became like my best friend in the world, I loved him to death. He died two years ago of an overdose and left behind a little girl. Time is such a fucked up thing, can't even believe it's been two years since. I'm so pissed at myself too, I kept telling myself to pick up the phone and call him cause we'd not talked much just with being busy with our own stuff. For some stupid ass reason I never did and I lost my chance to ever speak to him again. Who knows, maybe had I called he'd not have done it that day. Or maybe I could've been there and done something. Idk, but it fucks me up to this day and you don't want to do that to the people in your life.

I don't judge anyone for being an addict, I used to have a different mentality on it of "well you made the choice to do it in the first place" but hell for some people it takes that one mistake and it's over. I don't think anyone in life should be condemmed for a single mistake. I believe there's something to addictive personalities, honestly if I weren't terrified of drugs I'd not be surprised if I were an addict. I guess one benefit of losing my uncle in the timeframe of where I'd probably have started was that it scared me off from ever doing anything hard. I smoked pot, sure, but never tried anything beyond that out of fear. And it was offered to me.

Actually another thing I could note, the addict ex I had that put me into the wall that night. He recently got in contact with me via my mother. She saw him at a gig one night and mentioned it to me that he asked about me and such. He ended up thanking me because he said I was the reason he ended up never touching drugs again and has been clean ever since we broke up. So while the experience may not have been a positive for me when I was going through it, it had a positive outcome.

Anyway, I know I tend to have this like "bitch" reputation around here but I'm really not lol. If you need someone please, don't hesitate to reach out to me. I'm always willing to listen.
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Last edited by psychoangel691; 09-27-2019 at 10:40 AM..
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Old 09-27-2019, 12:46 PM   #140
the sun fan
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Default Re: life story thread

Everytime I tell my life story, it's different from the time before
I have s hard time pointing to details that truly shaped me.
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FUN FACT #3
Disregarding Season 1 (because communities were able to send more than one player back then), here is a ranking of community performances in the Mafia Championship:
+3 finale appearances
Flash Flash Revolution (4 finale spots with 1 sub + 1 wildcard spot)
Dark Lord Potter (3 finale spots + 2 wildcards with 1 sub)
MafiaManiac (3 finale spots + 1 wildcard spot)
Super Mafia All Stars (3 finale spots + 1 wildcard spot)
GameFAQs (3 finale spots)
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