Old 06-10-2019, 08:35 AM   #1
kommisar
Dark Chancellor
FFR Simfile AuthorFFR Music Producer
 
kommisar's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Halifax, Nova Scotia
Age: 28
Posts: 7,171
Send a message via AIM to kommisar Send a message via MSN to kommisar
Default Hey y'all, it's your favorite stepmania grandpa

So it's been about 14 years since I've first come here. A lot of the good friends I've made through rhythm games have mostly been from FFR, so I owe a lot to this place. I'm getting old now, and few of those who shaped this place when I was around are still here. I've been pretty MIA the past few years from online communities in general, partly due to university, and also due to self isolation.

For many who have met me IRL, especially at Anime North, you probably noticed I was a bit of an alcoholic. It wasn't really something I noticed nor thought about in my early 20s, but I was young and dumb and having lots of fun meeting a bunch of people I knew online. I was always mega excited for the next cons/meetups but I had not yet realized it was serving me as a sort of escapism. I would feel post-con depression a bit harder than everyone else, because a weekend of great times once a year made coming back to a depressing reality that much harder.

I didn't know it back then, but I was depressed, had been suffering from severe anxiety for years (from my teens, never did anything about it), and was slowly going down the path of alcoholism, which runs in my family. Some people are just now making me realize how dangerous my behavior was, and it sort of disappoints me that I never even stopped to consider it being a possibility. It was only in my mid 20s that it became a serious problem. I started lying to my local friends, engaged in self-destructive behavior, hooked up with one of my best friend's girlfriend and basically forced her to let me move in, among other things. I completely destroyed any sort of relationship I had with my friends back home. I was becoming a different person, and I was too ignorant to notice or accept it.

It came to a head at Magfest 2015 where my behavior was scaring my own girlfriend, whom I had brought with me to room with 16 complete strangers in a country she had never been to, to the point where she would have to frequently isolate herself to cry out of sheer stress. Alcohol was destroying everything I had, and it took me a while to truly accept it. A year later, we both decided to go back to school. This is where most of my self-realization happened.

At this point, I had basically immersed myself in my studies and barely did anything related to my hobbies, nor did I speak very often to all the friends I had made over the years.
It would take another two years of her tireless efforts to make me cut alcohol (bless her soul, she has a massive difficulty being confrontational when I'm really stubborn). Even in small amounts, my addictive personality made it difficult to moderate myself, and my personality was still changing for the worse. In the summer of 2018, I finally started to seek professional help, and was diagnosed with long term anxiety disorder.

It's been 10 months since I've been on antidepressants, and it's been a huge change. Though one thing I've realized is that I've become less social, more bitter, and more flat emotionally. Overall, I no longer have anxiety, my mood has significantly improved, and I don't drink any alcohol whatsoever (and barely any caffeine for that matter). Though it feels as if I've cut ties with a lot of my friends, and for that I sincerely apologize. I also apologize if my destructive behavior has affected anyone on here in the past 10 years. I can think of a few people with whom I've been a complete dick for no reason other than my own self frustration and depression.

I'm trying to get back into things slowly, but it's been different. I still love rhythm games and I don't see that changing. I might not be able to contribute as much to FFR as I used to, but I can still be grandpa stepmania sometimes. I've been picking up some of my hobbies again, making chiptune, and trying to reconnect with people I've fallen out with.

Thanks for reading. Solo rulz.
__________________
kommisar is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-10-2019, 03:13 PM   #2
Gundam-Dude
`~`
FFR Simfile AuthorFFR Veteran
 
Gundam-Dude's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 7,274
Default Re: Hey y'all, it's your favorite stepmania grandpa

Always here for you if you ever want to talk. You've been one of my closest online friends turned into real life ever since our meeting at AN 2010. This hasn't changed at all, regardless of how out of touch you've been with myself and others.
__________________
Gundam-Dude is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-10-2019, 03:37 PM   #3
aperson
FFR Hall of Fame
Retired StaffFFR Simfile AuthorFFR Veteran
 
aperson's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Houston
Posts: 3,175
Send a message via AIM to aperson
Default Re: Hey y'all, it's your favorite stepmania grandpa

Hey man I play a lot of pad ITG stuff these days and it's cool seeing your name all over the place for songs. Glad things are looking up for you!

I can't really contribute much to the rhythm game community any more myself, but it blows my mind how much the community at large has picked up the torch and run with it since I was pushing the stepping meta in 2006. It feels like the stuff we did a long time ago left ripples in the community that are still developing today. I don't think any other gaming communities really have anything like it.
__________________
aperson is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-10-2019, 04:48 PM   #4
T-Force
Gotta play by the rules.
Sectional ModeratorFFR Simfile AuthorFFR Veteran
 
T-Force's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Somewhere in, B.C., Canada
Age: 27
Posts: 2,682
Default Re: Hey y'all, it's your favorite stepmania grandpa

If anything, being able to share your story like this is is a huge step, in my opinion.
And while we may not chat a whole lot, seeing you at AN is always a highlight and I'm glad things are turning around for you.
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by danceflashrevo View Post
Charu I will do the T-Force nipple show just for you
Quote:
Originally Posted by the sun fan View Post
YA MISSED YOUR FUCKIN BUS YA MORON

HOWS YOUR SEMI-CROQUANT NOW DUMBASS
T-Force is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-10-2019, 05:51 PM   #5
XelNya
Kaho
FFR Simfile AuthorFFR Veteran
 
XelNya's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 2,557
Default Re: Hey y'all, it's your favorite stepmania grandpa

Quote:
Originally Posted by kommisar View Post
So it's been about 14 years since I've first come here. A lot of the good friends I've made through rhythm games have mostly been from FFR, so I owe a lot to this place. I'm getting old now, and few of those who shaped this place when I was around are still here. I've been pretty MIA the past few years from online communities in general, partly due to university, and also due to self isolation.

For many who have met me IRL, especially at Anime North, you probably noticed I was a bit of an alcoholic. It wasn't really something I noticed nor thought about in my early 20s, but I was young and dumb and having lots of fun meeting a bunch of people I knew online. I was always mega excited for the next cons/meetups but I had not yet realized it was serving me as a sort of escapism. I would feel post-con depression a bit harder than everyone else, because a weekend of great times once a year made coming back to a depressing reality that much harder.

I didn't know it back then, but I was depressed, had been suffering from severe anxiety for years (from my teens, never did anything about it), and was slowly going down the path of alcoholism, which runs in my family. Some people are just now making me realize how dangerous my behavior was, and it sort of disappoints me that I never even stopped to consider it being a possibility. It was only in my mid 20s that it became a serious problem. I started lying to my local friends, engaged in self-destructive behavior, hooked up with one of my best friend's girlfriend and basically forced her to let me move in, among other things. I completely destroyed any sort of relationship I had with my friends back home. I was becoming a different person, and I was too ignorant to notice or accept it.

It came to a head at Magfest 2015 where my behavior was scaring my own girlfriend, whom I had brought with me to room with 16 complete strangers in a country she had never been to, to the point where she would have to frequently isolate herself to cry out of sheer stress. Alcohol was destroying everything I had, and it took me a while to truly accept it. A year later, we both decided to go back to school. This is where most of my self-realization happened.

At this point, I had basically immersed myself in my studies and barely did anything related to my hobbies, nor did I speak very often to all the friends I had made over the years.
It would take another two years of her tireless efforts to make me cut alcohol (bless her soul, she has a massive difficulty being confrontational when I'm really stubborn). Even in small amounts, my addictive personality made it difficult to moderate myself, and my personality was still changing for the worse. In the summer of 2018, I finally started to seek professional help, and was diagnosed with long term anxiety disorder.

It's been 10 months since I've been on antidepressants, and it's been a huge change. Though one thing I've realized is that I've become less social, more bitter, and more flat emotionally. Overall, I no longer have anxiety, my mood has significantly improved, and I don't drink any alcohol whatsoever (and barely any caffeine for that matter). Though it feels as if I've cut ties with a lot of my friends, and for that I sincerely apologize. I also apologize if my destructive behavior has affected anyone on here in the past 10 years. I can think of a few people with whom I've been a complete dick for no reason other than my own self frustration and depression.

I'm trying to get back into things slowly, but it's been different. I still love rhythm games and I don't see that changing. I might not be able to contribute as much to FFR as I used to, but I can still be grandpa stepmania sometimes. I've been picking up some of my hobbies again, making chiptune, and trying to reconnect with people I've fallen out with.

Thanks for reading. Solo rulz.
'Grats for working on getting out of that slump dude
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by Funnygurl555 View Post
im honestly more concerned about the lack of light i get because of all the shade i'm throwing
Quote:
Originally Posted by Funnygurl555 View Post
"oh no how bad does t-force loo-"

"oh it's just his face"
XelNya is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 06-10-2019, 06:44 PM   #6
rayword45
Local Teenage Wastebasket
FFR Simfile AuthorD7 Elite KeysmasherFFR Veteran
 
rayword45's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: My bed
Age: 21
Posts: 2,311
Default Re: Hey y'all, it's your favorite stepmania grandpa

Glad things are going better for you
__________________
The above post has a 50% chance of being useless. Potentially. Maybe.

BEST AAAs: WANDERLUST, Pandora, Necropotence, Mourning The Lost, Eradication, Feldschlacht

Hey, we need some users on this site. Please join.

And if you have not recommended any albums yet, do so. Please. I have a goal to reach. Here.
NO WAIT THAT SHIT'S OLD GO HERE INSTEAD.
rayword45 is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 06-10-2019, 08:15 PM   #7
FirstMaple8
young 32nds
FFR Veteran
 
FirstMaple8's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Texas, USA
Posts: 403
Send a message via ICQ to FirstMaple8 Send a message via AIM to FirstMaple8 Send a message via Yahoo to FirstMaple8 Send a message via Skype™ to FirstMaple8
Default Re: Hey y'all, it's your favorite stepmania grandpa

good luck with the new chiptunes )
__________________
FirstMaple8 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-11-2019, 12:47 AM   #8
-paexaea-
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
FFR Veteran
 
-paexaea-'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: skjandlurkelandia²
Age: 28
Posts: 4,337
Default Re: Hey y'all, it's your favorite stepmania grandpa

Hope nothing but the best for you man, seriously. I had no idea you were struggling that bad, but Im very happy that you got the help that you needed. Youre a good dude, I could tell even even if it felt like I was approaching you as a random nobody at MAG.

Oh ya, solo rulz
__________________
See you, Space Cowboy.

Last edited by -paexaea-; 06-11-2019 at 12:48 AM..
-paexaea- is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-11-2019, 02:11 AM   #9
MikeShinoda12345
*\(^o^)/*
FFR Veteran
 
MikeShinoda12345's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Taipei, Taiwan
Age: 22
Posts: 1,842
Default Re: Hey y'all, it's your favorite stepmania grandpa

Hey, welcome back Hope things continue to go better for you.
__________________
MikeShinoda12345 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-12-2019, 12:24 AM   #10
Bynary Fission
Resident One-Hander
FFR Veteran
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: North Las Vegas, Nevada
Age: 26
Posts: 2,379
Send a message via AIM to Bynary Fission Send a message via Skype™ to Bynary Fission
Default Re: Hey y'all, it's your favorite stepmania grandpa

Hey man, I'm glad to hear you're okay. It's hard to believe we met seven years ago - you were a cool guy then, and hopefully a cooler one now.

If you want somebody to talk to, feel free to hit me up. Maybe you can teach me a few things about composing chiptunes.
Bynary Fission is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-12-2019, 07:16 PM   #11
samurai7694
Niccolo Paganini
FFR Simfile AuthorD7 Elite KeysmasherFFR Veteran
 
samurai7694's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 4,425
Default Re: Hey y'all, it's your favorite stepmania grandpa

from my own perspective, I always thought you were a cool guy with a lot of confidence and flawless in making humorous stuff like blue french toast, solo stepman review (CHORDSMASH), all kinds of face reactions to HEJ KANIN just to name a few. Of course, there are the mad skills of stepcharting that I want to acknowledge as well (groundhog, in general an overall enjoyable flow of pattern choices in all of your charts) as well as of course the admirable skills of composing music which is 100% relatable to me as a composer myself [edit: it was truly an honor and a pleasure to have seen you play and improvise your music last year at Anime North! I really mean that!]

it's certainly eye opening still that there is just so much going on in any person's lives behind closed curtains. I'm honestly very happy to see that you're on track to recovery, picking up hobbies, and having sincere care for those that are close to you. much love to stepmania grandpa <3

Last edited by samurai7694; 06-12-2019 at 07:18 PM..
samurai7694 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-13-2019, 01:13 AM   #12
Dinglesberry
arrow
FFR Veteran
 
Dinglesberry's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2,005
Default Re: Hey y'all, it's your favorite stepmania grandpa

welcome back fam im b&'d from fiffer discord but i remember vcing with you there once or twice, u was always cool

solo japan 4 when?? lol jk but ive been into solo recently and ive been havin to chart my own files cuz i dont have enough to play :thinking:

good to see you is doing better tho
Dinglesberry is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-14-2019, 12:24 PM   #13
MixMasterLar
Beach Bum Extraordinaire
FFR Simfile Author
 
MixMasterLar's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: The Emerald Coast
Posts: 4,755
Send a message via AIM to MixMasterLar Send a message via Skype™ to MixMasterLar
Default Re: Hey y'all, it's your favorite stepmania grandpa

Man, more then a few of us became drunks didn't we?

Glad it's getting better for you man and hope you stay around and make FFR your home again for reals. Don t worry too much if you mighta been a dick cuz hell we all were and we're kind of just been letting bygones be bygones lately.

Welcome back Kommi
__________________

Facebook / Youtube / Twitter

Namco's Forgotten
Classic, StarBlade!!





Quote:
Originally Posted by the sun fan View Post
if there's one thing I love doing in TWG, its killing my partners for that sweet, sweet town cred
Quote:
Originally Posted by roundbox View Post
Achievement unlocked: reading the setup
Quote:
Originally Posted by TWG Mad Dummy (Neee) View Post
But, I mean, shado claimed to seer check his N0 on N4, so obvs there's some NEXT LEVEL SHIT going down..
.

I need to re-record Saraba Shiberia Tetsudō...
MixMasterLar is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-14-2019, 06:01 PM   #14
Mahou
魔法少女
FFR Veteran
 
Mahou's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Age: 28
Posts: 2,015
Default Re: Hey y'all, it's your favorite stepmania grandpa

I had a similar episode when I was a bit younger - I don't even go as far as sipping a beer anymore. I'm glad you decided to make a decision like this.
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by lofty rhino View Post
one does not simply hate everyone that plays stepmania
AND watch anime.
Mahou is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Today, 05:34 AM   #15
gold stinger
Signature Extraordinare~~
FFR Veteran
 
gold stinger's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Age: 23
Posts: 4,865
Send a message via Skype™ to gold stinger
Default Re: Hey y'all, it's your favorite stepmania grandpa

I've been coming to Anime North since 2016 so I can say with some level of confirmation that you're doing great mate, we all love you <3
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by YoshL View Post
butts.



- Tosh 2014



gold stinger is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Today, 05:36 AM   #16
gold stinger
Signature Extraordinare~~
FFR Veteran
 
gold stinger's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Age: 23
Posts: 4,865
Send a message via Skype™ to gold stinger
Default Re: Hey y'all, it's your favorite stepmania grandpa

On a much more hysterical side-note how much would it cost to get you, Aquellex, Frums, and Kurorak to collab on a 3 minute FFR Masterpiece
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by YoshL View Post
butts.



- Tosh 2014



gold stinger is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Today, 07:52 AM   #17
dAnceguy117
please be partient
FFR Simfile AuthorFFR Veteran
 
dAnceguy117's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: GA
Age: 28
Posts: 9,991
Default Re: Hey y'all, it's your favorite stepmania grandpa

damn, I had absolutely no idea what you were going through. you've always been beyond cool to me and my pals during chance encounters and meetups. anime north really wouldn't be the same without seeing you there. huge props for cutting out alcohol entirely; that sounds really fuckin' difficult.

I'm gonna keep an eye out for chiptune releases for sure.

Last edited by dAnceguy117; Today at 07:53 AM.. Reason: didn't preview post after trying to add emoji, whoops
dAnceguy117 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Today, 10:05 AM   #18
kommisar
Dark Chancellor
FFR Simfile AuthorFFR Music Producer
 
kommisar's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Halifax, Nova Scotia
Age: 28
Posts: 7,171
Send a message via AIM to kommisar Send a message via MSN to kommisar
Default Re: Hey y'all, it's your favorite stepmania grandpa

Big thanks fellas. I found this year at Anime North was more enjoyable and more memorable without a single drink. It was nice to feel that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by gold stinger View Post
On a much more hysterical side-note how much would it cost to get you, Aquellex, Frums, and Kurorak to collab on a 3 minute FFR Masterpiece
wtf I was just thinking of stepping this an hour ago lmao

https://soundcloud.com/frums/caprice-for-if


but I'm down literally any time. Aquellex and I owe each other another collab anyways
__________________
kommisar is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Today, 10:07 AM   #19
kommisar
Dark Chancellor
FFR Simfile AuthorFFR Music Producer
 
kommisar's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Halifax, Nova Scotia
Age: 28
Posts: 7,171
Send a message via AIM to kommisar Send a message via MSN to kommisar
Default Re: Hey y'all, it's your favorite stepmania grandpa

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gundam-Dude View Post
Always here for you if you ever want to talk. You've been one of my closest online friends turned into real life ever since our meeting at AN 2010. This hasn't changed at all, regardless of how out of touch you've been with myself and others.
fuck reading this made me tear up. I needed to read this my dude
__________________
kommisar is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Today, 02:53 PM   #20
gold stinger
Signature Extraordinare~~
FFR Veteran
 
gold stinger's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Age: 23
Posts: 4,865
Send a message via Skype™ to gold stinger
Default Re: Hey y'all, it's your favorite stepmania grandpa

Quote:
Originally Posted by kommisar View Post
wtf I was just thinking of stepping this an hour ago lmao

https://soundcloud.com/frums/caprice-for-if


but I'm down literally any time. Aquellex and I owe each other another collab anyways
Mate, it could be way closer than you think.

I know Kurorak's on a DM-basis with Aquellex, Aquellex was interested when they learned that JHM3 was a thing that existed, and Frums is just a stone-throw away as he both owns an FFR account (Surt) and was very intrigued on getting his songs in FFR in the past, and he's grown a lot since participating in BMS of Fighters.

I think the lot of you could make a super-banger together and it would be an FFR fever dream.
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by YoshL View Post
butts.



- Tosh 2014




Last edited by gold stinger; Today at 02:54 PM..
gold stinger is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 08:52 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.1
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright FlashFlashRevolution