Depression experience

[Spenner]

This is something I'm really curious about. I've no doubt that anyone clicking on the thread has at least at some point BEEN depressed, and can maybe take a stab at something.

- What is the experience of real depression to you? Have you ever analyzed it or deeply reflected after an episode ends and think about what was going on?

This is an experience that has been recurring since highschool, and I had a weird fascination with "watching" my depression occur, finding out and highlighting triggers for it, and seeing a train of thought, when broken down into steps, going clearly the wrong way.

For me, depression is a memory issue. It is a tunnel mindedness experience, which the only thing on my mind is to do with depressive things. A stimulus might occur-- I'll see a person walking their dog. Very quickly this causes a feedback loop that spirals down to a dead end of bad thoughts about this thing I'm seeing.

With my memory only in that depressive "zone", of course I can look back a little bit after a train of thought like that occurs, and see when my brain goes "Yeah, it's too bad I can't live a normal life and get outside and be motivated etc"-- it's usually a very subtle thing. It's as if, mentally my "bouncers" are taking a nap. A very distinctly negative, and wrong reaction occurs, and I miss it, and I further develop thoughts influenced by this reaction. All that I end up realizing, is that I feel awful and don't really know why.

UNTIL I remember to be vigilant, and to be watching these small but very potent triggers, I'm prone to falling into a deeply sensitive state of mind. Generally, that is the framework of my depression-- the mind stops being careful, and it trips.

I have dissociative tendencies, and have since highschool, which is extremely intertwined with my depression. Because of that nature to disconnect, I think thoughts naturally have a tendency to disconnect from the expected train of thought that I might otherwise have.

Something is strange about coming out of a depressive episode sometimes almost IMMEDIATELY (I'm a "one tear cryer" generally, in that I'll have a mood swing that is so intense and crippling that it forces a tear out, but after that ~one tear, I'm generally feeling fine afterwards. It's almost like needing to stretch or something). If I think about the things that were just on my mind, i.e. the usually slightly delusional "objective" reasons that I should never feel happy again/total dysphoria, it feels a bit absurd. I've even been known to not remember saying things after coming out of a mood swing. It's like it's a different person altogether. Or like I'm not even a person at all; just a machine generating loops of depressive reinforcement.

There are of course times when my level of existential depression and anxiety is high, and it lasts for days, weeks, etc. and THAT is more tough to call absurd. In fact, there are many times when reflecting after a mood swing, another one will immediately trigger. And then it won't end the next time. That's generally how my longer periods of depression begin.

...

- Another question: what has helped you?

That's a complicated answer for me. Medically, antidepressants do not work (that is, SSRIs and other things like that). High levels of stress have always been around when I'm ripe for depression. So escaping that is the highlight of helping myself. Sometimes art is a great tool; sometimes, however, I'm simply drawing a portrait of my depression, and it doesn't go away after.

The only medicine that has been therapeutic so far has been Etizolam. Note: I don't condone self medication. But this is something I have chosen to do. Read up on the drug and you might see why (basically, like benzodiazepines but side effects lacking, and has reverse tolerance, and is more therapeutic in other areas/helps brain functioning instead of lowering everything kinda like regular benzos do [generaliy]).

Today I stopped a particularly crippling episode with the help of this drug. The almost obsessive, completely rabbit hole'd tunnel mindedness I was having was opened up after taking it. I had better memory afterwards, which tells me it did in fact help what was wrong. Vigilance returns: suddenly I had confidence that I could avoid negative triggers, and could look at them, grip them almost, and toss them off.

There has been only a few times I've taken the drug to try to help my depression during the day (usually I take it at night for sleep where I don't even get to experience anything other than an inactive mind/I'm not still spiralling with thoughts), so until fairly recently I hadn't figured it was useful for depression, just for the anxiety I get at night.

It's a shame that I have a doctor that doesn't really understand what goes on with these issues of mine, or doesn't want to, and I'm hesitant to even mention that I'm self medicating with something that is NOT impacting my life in any negative way, EXCEPT if I could get it prescribed instead. Currently I have to buy it in pure powder form, mix it with alcohol, and use an oral syringe to dose it correctly. Not a big deal but it would be nice to get this prescribed to me instead, but it is quite new.

Could it be because it stops stimulation of the brain in the areas where the depression and tunnel mindedness is occurring? Perhaps. That's what I'm leaning towards. But there's also the possibility that these mood swings are from something similar to small seizures (perhaps not an actual one, but perhaps something triggers a synaptic dyslexia when I follow a bizarre train of thought), which could explain why I am completely not myself during these episodes, and memory of anything positive is simply not possible. If that's the case, Etizolam is an anticonvulsant, and works well to treat people with epilepsy, so it could have some effect related to that.

...

Anyhow, that's enough personal experience. Bottom line is that depression is a complex disease, and I think finding out not just why it happens, but when, and in what context, is very important. So, do explain, if you can, the general structure of your depression experience. It's not just for my own analysis and gathering a general sense of the different experiences, but also something that might be good to break down so you too have a better sense of it.

[DaBackpack]

I'm not a psychologist, nor am I going to pretend to be, but it seems to me like the term "depression" is used as a catch-all for depressive tendencies. I don't think it's a concrete set of behaviors or feelings. My depression might be different than your depression, but my understanding is that they are characterized by common traits.

I don't want to go into too many details but here's my situation:

My therapist seems to think it was caused by a specific childhood trauma, but I don't really see it. I can't really rule it out but unless there's something really subconscious going on, I don't think my triggers are related.

I think this started when I was exiting elementary school.

To me, depression feels like crippling demotivation. There's a "curtain" that is lowered which really stops me from wanting to do things. Of course, you can't NOT do things, so eventually I have to force myself. My brain doesn't like that, though, and I for some reason get intensely irritated when I have to -do something- against the depression.

Another trait is that it dulls my emotions -- especially happiness and excitement. Depression isn't just "feeling sad" -- it's a state where you can't really feel strongly besides sometimes anger and frustration. I definitely "feel down" but I don't think my vocabulary can describe that specific feeling.

I don't know if this is a "unique disorder" or a symptom of an anxiety disorder, though.

Medication has helped me a lot, but the withdrawal is absolutely terrible. Once I stop taking it for a few days, my demotivation comes back and my body starts acting up in painful ways.

EDIT: Strangely enough, I feel more creative during these periods. Sometimes I would try to "let it happen" in order to channel that ability, but I eventually decided that it's not worth it. It never was.

[choof]

I don't want to kill myself, big ups to cymbalta
I'll do a post tomorrow after I see my therapist

[Funnygurl555]

I know when an episode's starting when my mind latches onto something pretty small and broods over it, then I "coincidentally" find more and more bad things until I hit the critical point where I'm just like, "screw this." It's tiring, so I'm noticeably lethargic all day except for periods where I'm distracted and find respite in thinking about nothing at all.

My thoughts are usually a series of negative internal dialogues, or I would mentally replay things that bother me. And it's not like I'm ever sad for no reason, but it feels more like my frame of mind has been shifted, if that makes any sense.

Normally I know I'm starting to feel better when I have thoughts like, "well sleeping, eating, and breathing is at least okay."

I have social anxiety too, which feeds a lot of my depression and kinda explains what goes on in my head when I'm in an episode. That's something I wish would go away, but I mean ¯\_(ツ)_/¯¯

For the second question, one thing that really helps me out is flipping the bird and, as DBP said, doing things anyway. Make goals. Make goals that you *have* to achieve, and you'll find yourself getting out of bed anyway. And once you achieve that goal, fill in the void by making new ones.

I dunno about meds stuff though: I was diagnosed late like real late (~1.5 years ago, shortly after I was accepted into the school I attend RN) although I've felt crummy for almost six years. I have minimal experience with interventions because my rents don't believe in this type of stuff and I wasn't 18 for a while, so I'm not helpful for that.

hope that helped, and if not then fg tried so don't be a meanie
or i'll find you

edit: ooh, ooooh
Spenner, do you keep a journal? You should if you don't! It would help you keep track of your thoughts on this stuff.

It's also pretty helpful in general anyway.

[Garquillex]

My depression isn't attached to anything except my senile boss at work.

It mostly feels like a total void in my brain. It feels like a bad hangover but without the alcohol. It comes and goes at any time, especially before work. I went through 6 months of it nearly daily but it's been a bit better now.

[V-Ormix]

I think the only indicator I have of being depressed is when I question if I am and feel like I have either denial of it itself or the fact that there can be a sense of mild depression... A good majority of the time I just feel boredom only to such an extreme but I never feel sad or anything to associate it with being depression :/

I will say, I am fed up with my bipolar attitude over the course of the last several years to want to do things and at the last minute I just imagine if I do the reality will never feel as good as the idea of it to me... and it gets annoying.

[iCeCuBEz v2]

depression is real

im bipolar and ive been triggered once again into a manic episode.

my mind goes a million miles a minute and im really attempting to find a medication that will hopefully restore my mental clarity. ive become very isolative and don't want to talk to anyone because in my mind no one gives a shit. that's a fact of life and i'm trying to learn coping mechanisms. i'm my own judge and jury. i can't find happiness in anything anymore. i was in a manic cycle a few years ago and stepmania was my crack. now i don't even bother. nothing in life brings me happiness. happiness is nothing but a lost cause to me.

if this helps anyone reading this that will mean the world to me.

fuck this mania seems contagious w/e posting anyway. thanks for reading.

[SC_coolguy44]

I don't think I can ever stay happy for a full day anymore. It tears me to see others happy, especially those in healthy relationships and I know and feel I'm not allowed and am incapable of getting a relationship. I can't help but to always rant about my feelings on Facebook and Skype. I have constantly thought if the world would be better off without me and have wanted to rot away in my room for the rest of my life. I also have aspergers and social anxiety, this makes everything harder for me.

I guess talking to people for comfort has helped a little bit.

[Funnygurl555]

Yo Coolguy, I've noticed your statuses on Skype a lot and you seem to hyper-inflate the importance of interpersonal relationships. You shouldn't fret as much as you do. I think a better way to think about it is to sit down and seriously ask yourself why it makes you feel so down.

Also I feel a bit weird about having posting here, as I'm pretty stable and have been for a while. I've just recently become comfortable with the fact that I have problems, while before I felt ashamed and was trying to hide it.

I don't mind lending an ear for others. I used to hate it when I had no support around, and I wouldn't wish that on someone else. That's why I PM people when I see sad stuff, haha.

[SC_coolguy44]

Originally Posted by Funnygurl555

Yo Coolguy, I've noticed your statuses on Skype a lot and you seem to hyper-inflate the importance of interpersonal relationships. You shouldn't fret as much as you do. I think a better way to think about it is to sit down and seriously ask yourself why it makes you feel so down.

Also I feel a bit weird about having posting here, as I'm pretty stable and have been for a while. I've just recently become comfortable with the fact that I have problems, while before I felt ashamed and was trying to hide it.

I don't mind lending an ear for others. I used to hate it when I had no support around, and I wouldn't wish that on someone else. That's why I PM people when I see sad stuff, haha.

The reason I see myself being down about being single is people wouldn't date someone as awkward as me, probably get turned down by my aspergers, maybe lack of dating experience, absolute desperation, my body image (I don't think anyone would date a fat guy like me), and I don't think anyone would date a fat guy like me). I do over think and obsess, I think that could be partially from my disability.

[Funnygurl555]

Originally Posted by SC_coolguy44

The reason I see myself being down about being single is people wouldn't date someone as awkward as me, probably get turned down by my aspergers, maybe lack of dating experience, absolute desperation, my body image (I don't think anyone would date a fat guy like me), and I don't think anyone would date a fat guy like me). I do over think and obsess, I think that could be partially from my disability.

There's a few things here you could change if you're seriously motivated to do it. I wouldn't know what to say about your Aspergers though since I have no experience with it myself.

Also nothing wrong with being awkward aye

[iCeCuBEz v2]

funnygirl ur a charm i appreciate the positivity

[korny]

Money makes me really happy

[iCeCuBEz v2]

8)

[MinaciousGrace]

depression is the realization that happiness is an illusion

[Shadowcliff]

Originally Posted by Funnygurl555

Spenner, do you keep a journal? You should if you don't! It would help you keep track of your thoughts on this stuff.

It's also pretty helpful in general anyway.

Vouching for this. Just finished writing the last pages of a journal I started May 2014. On to the next one! Rereading the journal is a fruitful experience--helps me make new connections on old conflicts.

I tend to write more when I am in a general depressive episode [referring to common side-effects of depression, mostly inactivity or misused time; and it makes sense, considering the state of my psyche this summer, that I had been able to conclude that journal]. For a while now, I've been piecing together evidence of attention problems that I have. Forgetting important dates, forgetting to set alarms, forgetting to eat, accidentally leaving behind important things [wallet, keys, school assignments, etc.; I really really wish I could hold on to a Nalgene for more than 4 months]. Sometimes it feels like my brain is often playing tricks on me in a way that is far too subtle and mundane for me to notice. It dilutes the strength of my work ethic. Looking back on the past 12 or so years of my life, evaluating my behavioral patterns, I can pretty much say that when my attention issues get the better of me, that's when I fall into a depressive state.

I attribute a lot of my mannerisms to the INTP personality type, even if the MBTI were total bullshit. 95% of the time I am having a very internal experience. In my mind I visualize life ahead as a thousand different paths. In well-being, it's really exciting and provides me the judgement and determination I need to take the most natural path. In a depressive state, it feels overwhelming, and I just hover in one place.

I think I hit a relative apex of absent-mindedness in the past months. I moved to a different state with a friend of mine about a year ago--and in May, I was pulled over by a cop and given a citation for driving with an invalid [out of state] license [because I was naive and honest about how long it had been since I moved--far longer than the requirement to update license and address]. I had until the very end of July to get that all updated before I attended court. Pleading responsible would lead to revocation of my license for a year. Kept putting it off all summer. Even did a dangerous thing, where, camping 2 hours from home, campsite wet and a mind that had freshly come down from a strong acid trip, I wanted to be back home by the end of the night. In that state, I was acutely struggling to convey thoughts into words, and the chaotic array of our campsite and equipment was making me extremely anxious. I was only able to say "We should go." My friend could clearly see me acting anxiously, and he was way more receptive and on board than I could fight with my words. No, it's NOT safe to drive in that state. I knew it even as it started happening, and it scared me the whole 2 hours back, which in fact we made it through safely. No accidents, no run-in with the cops. It takes me even weeks after that to finally update my license, one week before the court date. Nothing done yet to update my license plates. [yikes, should i even share that? lol]
(The whole thing was dismissed by the D.A. who was confused that the citation was even written given that I'm an out-of-state college student. Which I did not actually know was an exempting condition until that week before. Don't ask me how. o_O)

As far as self-treatment: I've learned to be very, very patient with myself and recognize patterns. Maybe there's a correlation somehow to FFR--I've been skillboosting as hell. Journaling is very good therapy for me, though it has certainly taken me time to find a writing style that I feel comfortable doing in any state of mind. For attention issues: My roommate is prescribed methylphenidate, but has more than he needs. He recognizes that I have a genuine problem with my scatterbrainedness (he thinks it's possible I have low-spectrum aspergers, but I'm not sure what to make of that), and so he allows me access to his medicine. I take up the offer maybe every other week, for 1 or 2 days. For critical moments where I just need to rely on a focused headspace.

past few days though have been really strange and great. Felt more confidence and peace, especially while at work.

[EDIT: oh yeh, time to go to bed, gotta be back at work in 5 hours for a shift I picked up and forgot about lolol]

[Spenner]

Interesting posts so far, and thank you guys for being openly spoken about this. There's no shame in admitting it as I'm sure nearly everyone can relate.

Originally Posted by MinaciousGrace

depression is the realization that happiness is an illusion

The belief that happiness is an illusion*** happiness may logically fall out of context if you are dealing with cold and absolute things, and if you are constantly thinking long term, about inevitabilities, you're going to hit a wall of depression.

That's one of the biggest things I've noticed the past couple of days-- I've distanced myself from thinking about the looooooong term of things, obsessively, as I was. Focusing more on the emerging moments right in front of your eyes holds a lot of potential breeding ground for happiness. Not to simplify things down to "ignorance is bliss", which has some validity but not total validity by any means.

Funnygirl:

Up until about two years ago I kept a journal that was a mix of dreams (mostly my dream journal) with state of mind entries every so often, or at a certain noticeably different point from the last "state of mind" entry. Journal keeping, especially of dreams, was a wonderful way to view a portrait of my emergence into adulthood. Themes that would later lead to some more severe depression were clearly manifesting just before I stopped writing.

My biggest beef with keeping a journal now is my level of shame. Mood swings are intense, hard, and blinding, and if I manage to pull out of one I find that reflection is a bad thing for me. However, the venting aspect is relieving. I'm not sure if going back to journal writing is for me (I did stop because dreams stopped, welp. Therefore the state of mind entries stopped), but I suppose it would be better for my self image (just recognition of self is an uplifting observation sometimes-- I forget that "I" am even here most of the time), and as a list of things-to-either-avoid-or-to-do-more depending on the type of entry. That'd be useful. CONSIDERING IT~

Originally Posted by Shadowcliff

For a while now, I've been piecing together evidence of attention problems that I have etc

I can relate to this a lot, and I am unfortunately reminded any time I make a mistake because of my bad memory (it's bad for relationships, I'll leave it at that). Last year I kind of fell into the same situation starting with a police citation (also a license thing, it was expired), and it triggered an array of various problems branching from that handicap. In simple terms it was stress stress stress, and I feel as though it pushed my body to respond so elegantly by learning to forget, all the time. Moments of blankness started happening more frequently, and same with abstract, or irrational inner dialogues.

I still have a very big problem with conveying ideas confidently to people through word of mouth, among other aspects of social anxiety; the expectation that I MIGHT become confused while speaking is enough of a deterrent for me a lot of the time from speaking at all. However, this is dismissed if I am feeling confidence, and the problem itself was totally of fabrication (fear of the problem = surfacing the problem, in my case, and has been that way for a lot of things).

Originally Posted by korny

Money makes me really happy

Something I've been dealing with lately is a detachment from materialism. And because of that, my job has become harder, buying things has become a chore, and is a hollow experience, and I'm constantly wishing I could just be somewhere else.

Which brings up the fact that: I'm not in a good environment. Most of us are probably not in an optimal environment. Most of us are probably going through routines that enable stress to be activating a lot of the time; some of us are better at handling stress than others, and I know I'm especially bad at it, and it will easily trigger a depressive episode if I have a lot on the table.

For someone like me, less is better. I am a minimalist at heart, and there's just a lot to deal with in this world. But identifying that to myself WILL trigger a downfall.

I find that there is always a necessary ignorance to be had, for each type of person. For me, it's important to reduce stress and to feel any emotional competence at all. When in a depressive state, it is utterly convincing that any ignorance is simply wrong, which is one aspect of why they are so hard to get rid of.

...

But lately, I've been feeling better. After quite a long period of isolation and stress I've started connecting more with what's in front of me. And that's been very helpful to remain grounded. I've been biking, and going to a park, and a forest, which is a mood booster. Getting a leg out of the bed can feel impossible, and mentally BE impossible, but doing it (as I was doing every morning before work, after calling in late usually ~_~) quickly contradicts an otherwise imprisoning idea that you cannot do a damn thing/nothing is worth doing.

Originally Posted by iCeCuBEz v2

ive become very isolative and don't want to talk to anyone because in my mind no one gives a shit. that's a fact of life and i'm trying to learn coping mechanisms. i'm my own judge and jury. i can't find happiness in anything anymore. i was in a manic cycle a few years ago and stepmania was my crack. now i don't even bother. nothing in life brings me happiness. happiness is nothing but a lost cause to me.

I feel you, it's the very same reason that I became reclusive and quiet for a long period these past couple months especially. Even posting on the internet became impossible. Happiness is hard to come by, so I don't look for it. I've found being void of both positive and negative force to be fine enough; right now I'm not "happy", but I'm fine. There is a dismissiveness to the types of thoughts I'm choosing to retain and digest; I know what it's like to be unable TO reject thoughts that are soul wrenching, and for those times you do have to just forcibly crawl away and find something to distance yourself. A break from thinking, in general, is a necessary demand for me now. Or, heavily moderated thinking.

I was good at something in highschool when my disorderly emotions became inescapable: watching an incoming thought process and assessing it. "Is this nasty or neutral?" I would generally try to deduce. A constant vigilance of whether or not you are headed in the direction of nastiness, I found, was a good tool. The trick was doing it without becoming obsessive and totally introverted, which led to some other issues... doing this during a developmental stage of life was not optimal, but nonetheless, the same rules still apply. I don't feel terrible right now because the normal swamp of negative thoughts haven't been let into the room. They still exist, they aren't going anywhere, but they don't need to not exist. They don't need to be in your face either. If you get a general idea of what you NEED, mentally, in terms of what kinds of thoughts you should be engaging in, you can start directing yourself to that goal.

Sorry if this is just a splatter of type, I am in a bit of a manic wave myself.

(But IceCubez I do recommend you try for some sort of benzodiazepine, or etizolam if you end up having no luck with doctors. Thoughts that are moving that quickly, about such abstract grandiose and anxiety inducing things, greatly benefit from that kind of medicine. You need less stress, like a lot of us, but unlike a lot of us not everyone can stop stress on their own-- hence the recommendation which you prolly already know much about but just throwing it out there)

[iCeCuBEz v2]

you're right spenner.

my doctor atm doesn't seem like she's trying to help me i'm just her research puppet.

[korny]

Don't misunderstand my man spen, money makes me happy, because money provides the convenience and freedom to do as I please. Not so I can buy even more Gucci and Louis Vuitton shoes

[DossarLX ODI]

I watched a series on Anxiety and Panic Attacks, starting with this video. An important point to take away is the part about "what you resists persists". I mention this because this is a serious issue that runs with my family and I can tell you without hesitation that the conflict resolution between my parents is fucking abysmal.

On July 10th I had to leave work early because of an infrequent intense physiological reaction I've developed over a decade related to the thoughtless disgusting bullshit my parents made me go through which fucked up my mental development and physiological responses. What happens is that I get eye pain and can't see normally (only outlines of objects in front of me), I get a continuous aching pain in my head (can't think clearly obviously), my right leg gets slightly numb, I get numbness in my left hand, and my chest is in a lot of pain. When I got home I collapsed for 6 hours. What's worst is when you can clearly see people who are basing their interactions on an unstable model (sidestepping issues and letting them come back repeatedly) and rely on thoughtless insults and yelling as well as turning everything into a competition, even if it means damaging their relationships with other people. It's fucking sickening that this kind of bullshit would continue when I clearly can see something is wrong but they'd rather act like 3 year olds.

What's overwhelming is when your heart rate spikes up. The day before I saw my doctor I had what felt like the start of a panic attack: heart rate spiked up and it took 30 minutes for me to try channeling that energy throughout my body. It's a fear that my body has to process or I just get overwhelmed to the point where I either get noticeable chest pain or the above reaction (which is rare). And I am 99% sure of the major contributor to why I have these anxiety attacks.

I wouldn't necessarily say what I have is depression since I can still continue with my daily life. The scary part is that I can look normal but still have anxiety-inducing thoughts because a few people found it okay to fuck up my mental development as a child. You're not alone.