[WSCB]

Mostly, I’ve done the minimum it takes to avoid being scolded by family (the only I found out is by being scolded). My parents pushed me to do my best in school and were content if I sustained an A/B average (they modified their all-A expectations after my attention shifted towards games after I received a Gameboy Advance in 3rd grade). I felt that gaming and keeping to myself were better for me, having been made fun of for being socially awkward. This division between a perceived “popular” group and my socially-inept tribe has impacted my relationships with key individuals at many points in my life.

My parents were seriously concerned that I wouldn’t be able to function in school after witnessing my gaming addiction (multiple hours per day, etc.) so I was taken to a psychologist to be evaluated for ADHD. The results came back – apparently had “a little of everything” according to my parents (in other words, not much that could be done)… I was started on methylphenidate for a short while, but my mom reported that it made me “zombie-like” so I ceased taking it. The first time I felt some sort of purpose in my work was when I joined the band as a clarinet player in 6th grade. It marked the first time I could get significant results with minimal effort. My parents made me promise to take clarinet lessons to get a step up instrument for 7th grade. This was tremendously beneficial for me, but I never took full advantage of the opportunity because my primary focus was handheld gaming and the aforementioned doing the least to avoid being scolded.

Well, high school started and things were looking pretty much the same. I always wanted to try dating before high school, but never really worked up the courage to ask others out after being made fun of for liking a popular girl from 4th grade. 11th grade came around, and I found a senior who really interested me. I was able to spend more time with this group, but to my disdain, they were really into partying/illicit substances. It probably upset me most because I associated these activities with a group of people that made me feel that I was an outsider. I considered speaking with this senior about spending more time together, but another guy who was interested beat me to the punch and bragged with his friends about having his way with her. This made its way to me because he was part of the same group. Of course I was upset – when I finally vented my feelings to my friends, they couldn’t understand where I was coming from at all and we distanced ourselves from each other. That’s was the first time I felt I had lost a solid group of people. I entered my first relationship in the middle of senior year, but that lasted very shortly, due to this person’s friend group reminding me of the former. Then I went off to college to start working towards a career in medicine.

This is where the pressure of school kicked me in the head. I felt that the consequences of not doing well in classes would absolutely jeopardize my future, but did not make the necessary improvements to ensure success. After getting a couple of Cs from a summer Chemistry course and some fallout in the next semester, I decided to switch my major to Psychology but continue working towards medicine. This switch was one of my best moves in education: I found plenty of supportive peers and professors that convinced me to take school more seriously. During junior year, I entered my third relationship which was initially the most fun I’d had… This relationship really screwed me over towards the end and long after not working out – a combination of neglect, uncertainty (pre-marital relations being viewed as unacceptable by her religion), worrying about what others think, and a group that resembled the one I had struggled with in high school. I was able to keep my grades on an upward trajectory from the end, but I felt a depression and longing that persisted into my next relationship.

… Come summer of 2017, I find out that I was accepted into a medical school while studying abroad. My family and I were elated. I thought this would be a turning point where I worried less about competition and could focus on relevant studies to a future career. I was completely mistaken: experienced the opposite of my expectations. These experiences pushed me closer to the edge. After talking things over with my family and the school psychologist and psychiatrist, I decided to take a leave of absence. Maybe there was a chance that I could return to medical school… but I hadn’t convinced myself that I was ready for that challenge. I chose to leave and begin my application for a master’s of nursing at my home university.

One and a half years later, after almost losing my mind during arguments with my family over whether or not my suicidal ideation and depression were real, and giving my all to my work as a pharmacy technician, I’m back in school for that nursing degree. I already know that this is a step in the right direction. I just need to push myself through this accelerated program so that I can really begin taking life into my own hands (not that it couldn’t be done before… but I feel so much more confident now). I’m still in my fourth relationship – with someone who has really pushed me to better myself and accept my shortcomings. I’ve dropped some of my resentment towards others; it’s not my place to judge what is best for them. I hope that they’ll continue to treat others well and take care of themselves. What I want is to be part of a community that embraces and find solutions for people from any background. Eventually, I want to take my education as far as I can – to become an expert at a procedure, or to advise and help implement changes that make people want to take health matters into their own hands.

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I came upon an FFR widget on onemorelevel.com sometime in middle school and made my account in the 8th grade (mid-late 2008). Even though I’ve “wasted” so many hours playing this game and never really getting on good terms with the members here, I greatly appreciate what it has done for me. This is how I discovered the kind of music that really resonated with me (ex. The Flashbulb, Venetian Snares). My search for music related to these artists featured on FFR eventually lead me to sputnikmusic.com in the time before going off to college. Most of the music I listen to now is influenced by a couple of particular members there + those artists who have influenced of my current favorite artists: ASC being #1, hands down.

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Thanks for sharing your stories everyone. I love to see that people have been through so much and are continuing to push onwards. For those who feel they aren’t brave for keeping to themselves… there’s no obligation, don’t sweat it.