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Old 01-30-2013, 07:06 PM   #7
Zageron
Zageron E. Tazaterra
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: BC
Age: 32
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Default Re: Zageron's Scene to Short Story Adaptations

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This won't be as in-depth (hopefully), but will still cover some of the cool stuff. This will be my thoughts on paper, more or less. I saw you had a random thought that said the stories weren't connected, but I'm pretty sure it's safe to assume this is the same character. Given that assumption, let's begin.
Yes, lets.

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The "brownies." Sprites? Or a people? "Lost at least some favour of all sprites" makes me think sprites.
Pixies, Sprites, Gnomes, Fae... whatever. I call them Brownies here.

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Second reading, I like this bit. "No one would notice, no one is watching me." Paralleled with both the dog and the guy on the bench.
Yes. I thought about the idea of hinting that what he assumes isn't necessarily fact, since he seems pretty omnipotent so far. Having two instances where 'things' actually gave him direct notice is a good contrast to his assumptions.

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"Skimmed over the ground" made me think he was floating. That was shot down when you used "Still running, mind you."
Hmm. Fast running. I could expand on that part in another piece if I get any more fan art for Zag.

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Paragraph four shows signs of enhanced senses. Especially sight.
Yes. I also intended for a slight hint of condescension, if you caught it. Not sure if I want it there, but I thought that many this story arc is earlier in Zag's life when he is more self centred.

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"I leaped softly on to a nearby roof." That's inhuman. So, more special powers for this guy.
Nah, he's a mountain goat. You seen those things climb? yes special powers

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"A small pang of loneliness quickly quelled, but I do remember it." Replaced common food/drink for moonlight? Nevermind, he ate in Arrivals.
Hmm. Not quite sure what you mean here. I intended to portray the sense of nomad/ranger, lone traveller. You made the inference that Zag is really old, and that there are possibly only a few others like him alive. Loneliness would be not be surprising.

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"My feet gradually found a grip on the vertical surface of the tower." If I'm envisioning this correctly, our character is defying gravity. That's not common. Nit-picky, but same sentence, kneed should be knees?
Not defying gravity, things are just moving fast enough and he was moving with enough force that he was still moving along the wall vertically and had time to reverse his vector and jump downwards. Yes knees, thank you.

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Paragraph eleven. Few things. Firstly "palpable particles." Alliteration used for a greater purpose? Next, I'm a little confused about the void, but he's magical, so that's alright. And the last sentence just sounds a little wonky, I don't know.
Void, more like a lack of anything in the space between the moon and the spot he stood, if that makes sense. I will clarify the final sentence, looking back it is rather out of place.

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"Feeling the top of the world." Correct phrasing there? Or did you want 'Feeling on top of the world?'
Correct phrasing. Still correct english, just an alteration of the original phrase. He is definitely not rubbing his hand on the north pole.

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Next bit seems like moonlight not only powers our character but can help heal the earth. Pretty special stuff. I like that theme, you can do a lot with it. Only thing is, I didn't immediately connect the mountain billowing smoke with a volcano. The tl;dr helped there, so I thank you for that.
Hehe. Yes moonlight has a special purpose here. I want to go more into it if I get the chance. I will see if there is any way for me to clarify that this is a volcano.

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There's the dude on the bench as I mentioned earlier. The gestures are mysterious, as I'm sure you intended. Maybe this guy on the bench is another person like our protagonist.


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Finally, some more nit-picky things. (I could have sworn I had more than one...)
"My perception of time slowed as I build up my concentration." Slowed is past tense, build is present. I know this isn't edited, and maybe I'm wrong, but shouldn't a piece be consistent in it's tenses?
Yes my bad, I will make the corrections.

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Anyway, there you go. It's something to think about if nothing else.

Happy birthday, Zag. : )

-o24
Thank you again for the excellent dissection!
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