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Old 01-26-2013, 10:33 PM   #2
andy-o24
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Default Re: For Renevatia: Arrivals

Quote:
[10:38 PM] Zageron: Not really sure "who" he is, but I figured mysterious and respected would be cool so I went with it.
Character Development

Considering that, I think you have done a good job in terms of character development, even in a piece as short as this.
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It occurred to me that my reserves were likely very low
Somewhat of a nomad, perhaps? Obviously we take provisions with us when we travel, but I think the word "reserves" was well chosen and utilized. A traveler who does not have a home.
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I tread lightly over the surface of the water
As much as he is a traveler, he obviously has some kind of magical properties. No normal person can walk on water. A special breed of person or a single magical hero?
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the poor traveller
Supports the nomad hypothesis.
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I graciously nodded in acceptance when a bowl of stew was offered to me
Obviously. Gracious. Humble from having so little or is that expected of him?
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There is no law demanding silence in the presence of one such as myself.
"one such as myself" would assert he is a special breed of person, and not just a single magical hero type character.
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I gave made sure to keep a warm smile on my face while I met each and every eye in turn
Trying to save face almost with these people. Reassure them that he is a -good- guy. Brings me to the infamous point further down.
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I couldn't help but give out a low chuckle. I found myself with a great smile on my face
A sense of humor I suppose. Not really a mysterious quality, but it humanizes someone that has since been described to be magical and unique. The reader can connect, at least to a small degree, with the character.

Environment

I'm not going to quote the whole first three paragraphs where you talk of the environment, but considering the concept art, you seem to hit the main points in the picture. You talk of streams and plains and waterfalls. You even mention the weather which is pretty cool for a fictional environment. Your mention of the "barren wasteland" gives insight to the environment the character has traveled through to make it here and what lies beyond the concept art. I guess the mountains are what looks like a floating city to me there in the background, but that's interpretation and writers liberty, so no issue there.

Character's Past

Herein lies the majority of the mystique of your character.
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After the barren wasteland between Sul'mar and Keitsa
"After" I would assume means he has just traversed it. That would explain his reserves being low.
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the most treacherous place I have come to known...One of the few places I can not set foot.
What happened in the Nameless sea? Funny how he can walk on water but "not set foot" in the sea. Thought that was a nice intraparagraph juxtaposition. Still, not sure about the events at the Nameless sea in the past. Apparently it is pretty dangerous, considering it has killed many people before.
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It was unlikely that I would know any of the guests
As well as
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Stopping not far off at my usual place
These establish a familiarity with the location. Somewhere this character has stopped at many times in the past and now again in the present time. This conflicts with the nomad type quality of the character, but what may have happened here in the past is still a mystery.
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Over the years, an unspoken rule rose from the earth
"Over the years" So, there is a clear span of time. How long is not stated, which brings me to wonder how old our character must be. Definitely an adult in stature and mannerisms, but he could be incredibly old as he is of another breed.
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I do not remember when the tales spread to such an extent to cause such an effect, but I do remember the days of cheer.
Tales of his good or bad deeds? I guess we can't tell entirely if he's famous or infamous. There is just tension and silence. But, also in this sentence is the question of the "days of cheer." That was when he was good and fought for the people and was treated as a hero? Then what happened to bring him to this low state. Why is he a nomad?
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Well over thirty people now sat looking into the fire, stealing glances at me when their courage was high enough.
Maybe he is running on a short fuse and just a look would set him off? Doesn't seem like that kind of character, but the whole point seems to be building mystique.
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I determined the story I would tell this night.
Traveling orator? I doubt it, but who knows. Have the people come to expect this of him, or is this just his way of expressing himself: through little words other than stories.

Final Thoughts

Sorry about this block of text, I thought I would put my thoughts on paper for you. For what you are trying to do here, or at least what I think you are trying to do here, you do so effectively. You definitely build a character that has a cryptic past and is unique in more than one way.
If you want to address any of the questions in my analysis, go right ahead. I can come back with more if you wish. Overall, though, I think you've done a very nice job especially in only an hour and a half.

-o24
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Last edited by Zageron; 01-29-2013 at 01:21 AM.. Reason: Typos realized when quoted.
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