[Arntonach]

I think it would have been better if you wrote what she said as to summarizing; it would give it more depth and would make it less winded in its deliverance. Also, the intro is grating, since you spent more time writing about how everyone's paying attention rather than what's going on, which subtracted from the mood of the diner. It doesn't help that the story could have been good just by removing the whole diner setting; it felt tacked on and unnecessary.

Finaly, it's a wall of text. Add some indentation and paragraph spacing to make it look more approachable.