[Rapta]

Originally Posted by Deadlyx39

You want to talk about it with me? We're about the same age so I can understand at least the school aspect of what you're dealing with right now.

I need to figure out what I am going to do tomorrow.. Last Thursday my dad convinced my mother to let me stay home because of stress.. At the end of the day, my memory repression made me forget all my problems with the help of games and guitar practice lessons every Thursday.. but I went back to school last Friday after staying home and then I was feeling so terrible after a full week of feeling depressed, suicidal thoughts were strong Friday night and the following weekend.. It was then my mother said she didn't want to have anything to do with this anymore and so my dad let me stay home for two days (this Monday and Tuesday) but then mom said I had to go today and the rest of the school days regardless of how I feel. After four days away from it, I had forgotten a lot of issues, but then a trigger.. I saw the girl who is my closest friend, who I haven't been talking to recently in school because of all of this. I haven't hung out with her because the last few times I tried she seemed to completely ignore me, and this is a person I felt so trusted that I promised to always be there for them, to protect them, to help them.. That has been a huge feel with me, whenever I am in a group of people, whether it be friends family or others, I can never think of things to say, my chest gets tight, and whatever I do say seems to always get brushed off by everyone in the group while they continue their conversations, and when I saw her, my heart rate doubled and a bunch of thoughts raced in my head as I walked past her in the hall: Has she seen me? Can I bring myself to say hey? I can't say hey to her, she's lost interest in me as a human being, I mean why else have we stopped hanging out, stopped texting.. Then we passed each other and that was what triggered me having to hold back a waterfall the rest of the day. My work ethic was completely thrown off by an onslaught of depressing memories brought on by the trigger of seeing her again.. Even though we had talked about this via text a few days ago and she said it herself she has been a bad friend lately and she wasn't going to have me be a "side friend".. I still can't bring myself to be with this best friend because she says I can't just keep her all to myself and she wants to hang out with other people too.. Also after those last few instances we met she ignored me as I said.. I might have been fine today being semi distracted with school work, but when I saw her I died slightly on the inside because she brought on a bunch of memories of depressing thoughts and observations

That's one introspection and I hated every second I had to remember it ;-;