Quote:
Originally Posted by Dinglesberry
sure my files are garbage but making them and playing them makes me happy so i dont care
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I can relate to this myself actually lol. back when FFR had the simfile database, I was obsessed with the idea of posting your own charts to have it displayed on the old R2 engine and that was enough for me to be content even when it wasn't officially in the legacy engine, through submissions and whatnot. and it took me from... idk 2007 until 2011 to actually get a chart accepted.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dinglesberry
despite not caring about myself at all, for some reason i care about other people and how they feel alot
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damn.... this one hits home. in my case, it's really just been the upbringing of my family. I was basically told to feel certain ways on what THEY felt was correct, and while my grandmother had good intentions it was extremely important for me, sister, and cousins to care about other people and include them in activities like watching disney movies together and stuff.
*sigh*
at the very least I think everyone should know that my thirst for rank 1 in this game came from a "walter white/heisenberg" type of scenario, aka wanting pto feel important and tohave validation. I was molested at 11. She was female and preyed on my naive, small body and to make it worse the boys at school would just laugh and ask why I didn't enjoy it. one of them abused me physically and emotionally, and knew I wouldn't leave them because otherwise I'd be sitting alone at lunch and shit.
high school, failed to get into the school I wanted for string orchestra so that hurt my ego, this was when I swapped from cyrx900 to samurai7694. felt i was better than the new orchestra program that was in the other high school i ended up at. I had a near death experience when a car directly hit me at a 4 way stop. idk how I survived tbh sometimes I wish I didn't. fell truly in love for the first time and I fucked it up. got caught with marijuana by parents. started cutting myself. gained weight. later that year I found out I would be failing high school. wanted to end my life by OD. suicide watch (known here as florida baker act), I didn't even socialize with the other kids so I was a loner there too. never took antidepressants to this day. really the main thing to give me any sort of confidence was genuinely caring for others and making strong friendships and just challenging myself in SM/FFR which gave me the praise and attention that I craved from my family. I to this day can't even tell them about my depression and suicidal thoughts because it's too hard for them to listen, and they used to think I was faking it to get out of school or to manipulate them. my true self does call for being a class clown as I was in elementary school, bonding with people, quality time means so so much to me even like discord inv for movie nights or something. but my personal issues get in the way of me wanting to be more approachable because my neutral face and body language shows someone who's damaged and crying on the inside.
I am leaving out a LOT of details, a LOT of names, and a LOT of what goes on in my head on a daily basis now because it does involve a ton of FFR members. most of them still active members. but I just want to put it out there that I struggle to even come back to FFR (even though I instinctively check it every day now), because I feel a lot of old relationships have been killed off and some old friends I tried reaching out to either want nothing to do with me or see me in a bad light in some way. but I am thankful for the friends that I still have now and even if I don't care if today's my last day or not, I'm not gonna do harm to myself and I choose to be optimistic as in like "hmmm let's see what's in store for tomorrow".
on that note I want to finish this book called Any Man which is a novel that deals with female-on-male rape (apologies if that word triggers anyone). but yeah I think coming to terms that I'm not ok, is ok. it's just about how I go about it and I think being in uni for music, which is my biggest passion in life, helps. I was instructed to learn nocturne in eb by chopin for my piano class and I shed a tear when I started practice the first two measures. it's my only source of comfort but it sure does mean a lot. and thank you to those taking the time to through this. I needed rum for this lol