This poem is really fun to say out loud, but at the end of the first reading, one comes away with little idea of what most of the poem was about. It little matters if you're writing purely for yourself, but if you ever intend it to be heard or read, try to keep the audience in mind. There are too many abstractions. Readers really like concrete actions and descriptions that resonate within them - something abstractions rarely do, even if they're understood in the first place (which they rarely are). Try to be clear and concise. A few poignant lines go a lot farther than a long rambling poem.
I advise a more generous use of punctuation.
You know how it's supposed to be sound, how the sentences are broken down, but no one else does if you don't punctuate. Part of what made this poem confusing was that you ran many phrases into each other, making it difficult to understand where one ended and another began.
The meter is off on the last line. Fix it. The last thing said is important; it's your sit-down line, the one that sticks in people's heads. If it's awkward, that impression will taint the rest of the poem more so than a few messed up lines in the middle will.
P.S.
The fourth stanza is my favorite; internal rhyme rocks! Never stop playing with words and sound!
