[All_That_Chaz]

If this poem was meant for performance, then having something that doesn't flow naturally to everyone is fine, but right now it alienates the reader.

Also, if you were going for assonance/alliteration in the opening stanzas, I would try to use more of it as right now the effect is too subtle, unless subtlety was what you were going for. =/
And on the adjectives, they were the extra syllables that was throwing off the rhythm for me. So I took them out just for the example quatrain I gave you. I was not implying that you shouldn't be descriptive. The first stanza, I think, could be greatly expanded upon. You have a lot of options. Set the stage. You could talk about the landscape. You could elaborate on the clown metaphor. We're just getting acquainted with the poem when the speaker opens his dumb mouth. The direction has been changed without really being firmly established in the first place. I'm rambling...

And yes, you should keep the quotation style consistent if that's what you choose to do.