[TheSaxRunner05]

Warning: This post talks extensively and explicitly about a dysfunctional sex life, so if that's not your cup of tea - skip it. It all has a very important impact on the direction of my life.

TL: DR Communicate with your partner instead of trying to save their feelings. We all have different needs that will come out eventually.

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I met my future wife in high school and we didn't really hit it off right away. We were both introverted people, her a bit moreso than myself. I had really hit my stride though by senior year. It was probably one of the happiest years of my life. I had a sizeable group of friends (mostly band kids) and an active social life. This was a real change for me. The ten years prior, my behavior was primarily guided by defensive mechanisms. I asked out 2-3 girls throughout the beginning and middle of the year with no luck. But in the spring of the senior year, I asked my future wife out, and the rest was history. We wen't off to the same college, and later moved into an apartment for my last two years of school.

All seemed well on paper, but there were some early signs that maybe we weren't perfect for each other. Day to day interactions were great - we rarely fought and spent our days together. Underneath, there were sexual tensions and my future wife's lurking depression and anxiety. We would fool around, but we were saving the actual act until marriage. Maybe this was just stalling deeper issues, but at the time, we were both on the same page. Neither of us wanted to communicate more deeply on the matter because we didn't want to hurt each other's feelings. We decided to get married after graduation, and we moved back to our hometown with her parents.

I got a job working at a grocery store, which I later turned into a career. We were married in the fall and had our honeymoon somewhere fancy, but local (not a whole lot of money). That night we were too exhausted, but the following morning we had our first go of it. To me, it was amazing, the sharing act of two people, bodies joining together. I've always felt a need for having an intimate connection with someone. It's like admitting that there's too much pain and suffering in the world, and the only sweet relief if finding someone you can completely let your guard down to and expose your unfettered self to. My wife did not have the same experience, she would feel excited to get started, but unsatisfied once things were getting going. Her mother had always told her that she would really like it when she tried it, and even after more attempts, it didn't hold her interest. She felt that something was wrong with her and tried to save me from the reality.

I, meanwhile, eagerly anticipated opportunities for courtship, while she began trying to avoid them. I knew deep down I wanted more and she wanted less, but it was so gradually building tension, our reluctance to discuss it rooted in saving face with each other. Despite all this, we decided to have a child and it didn't take long before we had one on the way.

We raised her together, taking turns changing diapers, rocking her, feeding her, doing all the things young couples are supposed to do. All the while, her depression got worse - a feeling that something was wrong with her for not being satisfied with what she had. We finally began talking about it here and there, but still very sheepishly. I suggested we try some new things, or simply "practice" until we found something she liked. Nothing seemed to work, and she tried to avoid it more often.

For a couple years, I still slept in the same bed with her, and I would avoid coming to bed while she was still awake. I had always been very attracted to her and it was brutal lying next to her. I had to get out of my mind what I wanted us to be and accept the reality in front of me. Another example, in private, younger me would playfully grab her from behind - but our relationship gradually progressed into platonic-ness. While I yearned for much more, our status as lovers was dying a slow, painful death.

At this point, she would occasionally do things, but solely to appease me. The imbalance was weighing on her. It got to a point where she would say "Do what you want" and I did what I felt I had to do. It felt like a strong urge, a hunger. My soul just itched for a more intimate connection, but would take the 'decaf' of lifeless sex to get by. We stopped attempting penetrating sex, sticking to rubbing and touching solely to satisfy me. I am not proud of this time - it made her depression worse and increased her feelings of failure. She tried to hide her feelings from me but I knew she wasn't into it and I should've known better. It all led up to one "Do what you need" night where I was rubbing on her and touching her, she started to cry. I stopped and rightfully felt a sudden shame for actions. I had done ugly things, and for a long time after, I went celibate. I couldn't undo what we had done, the grayness of it I've never really talked about before. It feels nasty and unsavory in hindsight but felt like such a need in the moment. I still feel some guilt for taking her "ok's" when I knew she wan't really interested. It really is such a beautiful act, but I had bastardized it for the sake of getting off.

We discussed that maybe she she'd find a girl to date, so that she could find out if she preferred women. We decided to have an open relationship, not being super public about it, but looking none the less. A bit later, she met another guy at work she was interested in. This threw me for a loop, but I rolled along with it because her depression had become quite worse. On one hand, I wanted her to have new experiences, but on the other, I couldn't help but feel like the failure for not being interesting in that way to her. They never amounted to much more than a kiss, but it did lead us to have some deep conversations and soul searching about what we were at this point. I wanted her to have new experiences out there, but was deeply jealous. It broke me a bit on the inside to see her with another guy.

She later dated another guy or two and found out she really just isn't turned on my men. Attracted to them, yes, but not in that way. Honestly, I was a bit relieved. It meant that I wasn't some big outlier to her, and that was some solace. I started dating a guy at this point for the first time. (Oh, I'm Bi, by the way) I started looking for a guy because I didn't know if she'd be jealous of a girl, and I also was looking for new experiences. The guy I met I am still dating today, and he's like an uncle to my daughter at this point.

My wife began dating a transgender (MtF) girl and finally found a partner that she can truly be intimate with. I am happy for her, and while her depression never completely goes away, it is much better than it was before. We still have love for each other, but much more at a distance. We live together, but now in separate bedrooms. While we are both getting much more of what we want now, I can't help but feel mournful for the slow decay of our relationship. We live together now primarily because we think it's what's best for our daughter. Our marriage now is mostly a sheet of paper, a relic of a past that was not meant to be.

I primarily wanted to tell my story here to make this point - don't sugarcoat the truth from your partner. My wife and I both were guilty of this time and time again and it just dragged it out. It is much better to spout the truth and see if they can handle it. I also wanted to talk about sex because it can be so difficult to approach the topic for the highly personal nature of it. Sex really is a beautiful act of two people laying themselves completely down before one another. If both parties aren't saying a resounding "lets go" in words and body language - it's not worth it. Find the right person and it will be amazing for you and them.

Whomever needed to see this, don't make the same mistakes I've made. And if you have, learn from them.