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Old 01-30-2013, 06:18 PM   #6
andy-o24
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Location: Central Indiana
Age: 26
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Default Re: Zageron's Scene to Short Story Adaptations

This won't be as in-depth (hopefully), but will still cover some of the cool stuff. This will be my thoughts on paper, more or less. I saw you had a random thought that said the stories weren't connected, but I'm pretty sure it's safe to assume this is the same character. Given that assumption, let's begin.


The "brownies." Sprites? Or a people? "Lost at least some favour of all sprites" makes me think sprites.

Second reading, I like this bit. "No one would notice, no one is watching me." Paralleled with both the dog and the guy on the bench.

"Skimmed over the ground" made me think he was floating. That was shot down when you used "Still running, mind you."

Paragraph four shows signs of enhanced senses. Especially sight.

"I leaped softly on to a nearby roof." That's inhuman. So, more special powers for this guy.

"A small pang of loneliness quickly quelled, but I do remember it." Replaced common food/drink for moonlight? Nevermind, he ate in Arrivals.

"My feet gradually found a grip on the vertical surface of the tower." If I'm envisioning this correctly, our character is defying gravity. That's not common. Nit-picky, but same sentence, kneed should be knees?

Paragraph eleven. Few things. Firstly "palpable particles." Alliteration used for a greater purpose? Next, I'm a little confused about the void, but he's magical, so that's alright. And the last sentence just sounds a little wonky, I don't know.

"Feeling the top of the world." Correct phrasing there? Or did you want 'Feeling on top of the world?'

Next bit seems like moonlight not only powers our character but can help heal the earth. Pretty special stuff. I like that theme, you can do a lot with it. Only thing is, I didn't immediately connect the mountain billowing smoke with a volcano. The tl;dr helped there, so I thank you for that.

There's the dude on the bench as I mentioned earlier. The gestures are mysterious, as I'm sure you intended. Maybe this guy on the bench is another person like our protagonist.

Finally, some more nit-picky things. (I could have sworn I had more than one...)
"My perception of time slowed as I build up my concentration." Slowed is past tense, build is present. I know this isn't edited, and maybe I'm wrong, but shouldn't a piece be consistent in it's tenses?

Anyway, there you go. It's something to think about if nothing else.

Happy birthday, Zag. : )

-o24
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