[Devonaut]

Besides what dore mentioned, the word "Nonetheless" is usually followed with a comma when used like that. At least...I am used to doing it that way, and I've never gotten marked off for it.

Another thing. All those commas make it sound like a run on sentence.

Would you read in a big long garble like such, or would you prefer to read it sweetly, dallying upon each heartfelt word?

When I read something, I like to add emphasis to certain key parts of it, which may require a pause (denoted by the presence of a period) or some means of a break for effect (the other may be a dash, or so).

If you read most poetry, you will see the same. They'll use long comma-placed lines, sure...but they do place periods to promote reflection between the stanzas.

It is a very good effort, though.

To be commended.

While erring as it does, it still comes off quite sweetly.

Unless you truly wish to call it a gem, I suggest merely reading it with a few pauses.

Your divine seraph won't mind it a bit. ^_~