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Old 09-22-2019, 06:16 AM   #118
psychoangel691
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Bel Air MD
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Default Re: life story thread

Alright so let’s see if I can continue this fun story. I’m really bad at remembering things in order so there’s probably going to be times I jump back to events after going “oh yeah” on something I’d forgotten to include in the first place.

Like oh, more on my lovely first boyfriend. His mother actually stood there when he punched me in the face one day and I was like “see” her response “I saw nothing” it’s no wonder he was such a shithead she enabled him so hard. But anyway, yeah so we left off with a super abusive first boyfriend, parents divorce, uncle dying of an overdose to legal woes leading up to my being raped.

It was such a stupid situation, and it just would figure that it’d be my very last day of community service. I don’t think there will ever be a day I don’t blame myself though. Maybe I should have fought harder, idk. I remember trying to leave and him pinning me to the wall, his grip so tight on my wrists. I kept trying to pull away and verbally get him to stop, but I guess I just didn’t have the clear presence of mind to think of doing something like kicking him in the nuts. You think of all this shit after the fact, but when you’re in the moment it’s like total shutdown, well at least I guess for me. I finally gave up when I saw the knife cause I mean what’s worse? Being stabbed or just giving in and letting this dude get his rocks off? I still can feel his weight on me, the tears streaming down my face and him chuckling asking if it was too big. He did his thing and let me go. I’m fortunate in the regards of not ending up with some disease or some shit cause, of course, he didn’t use protection, and yes I’ve been tested, multiple times cause I’m a paranoid freak about that shit after everything that’s gone down. Anyway, went back to my car and completely had a meltdown. I don’t even know how long I sat there crying, or even what I did after it now. It’s a pretty big blur. I should have said something, I should have done something more, but it was too late by the time I found the courage to admit what had happened to me to a couple of friends and the only reason I even opened up to them is because they’d been through sexual trauma in some way or another.

(so this whole section goes back to before the rape) Gosh, so where to go from there. Oh, I guess I should mention that my parent’s divorce was the start of me not having a super stable home. My mom decided she couldn’t handle me and my shitty boyfriend. So instead of trying to you know, make sure her daughter wasn’t getting her ass beat she sent me off to live with my father. Who, because of the divorce basically started acting like a teenager again in some regards. He also would do anything to piss my mom off, so he took me to get my tongue pierced and a tattoo when I was 16. He didn’t earn very much, so we lived in a 1br apartment where I used the dining room as my bedroom. To provide some kind of wall we set up a dresser. Oh yeah, I guess I need to mention I’d already left my other school, I was cutting all the time and hated it. But when I moved back in with my dad, I tried to go back and went into the vo-tech for automotive. But it didn’t last long because my dad didn’t provide anything for me other than the room. Everything else I needed I had to get for myself. So I quit school completely and worked two jobs. He didn’t put food in the house, we didn’t have a phone and I wasn’t old enough to sign any contracts so eventually I got myself a prepaid cell phone just so I’d have something. I was basically never home, always out with the asshole and his friends. Who all used me for every penny they could. I’m not sure I had a single legit friend in my life at this point. The number of times I had to bail people out and shit...

Oh yeah, I also came to find out more recently after talking to someone from the old group that apparently my ex would let them touch me in my sleep. He talked about how he (the “friend”) fingered me while I was sleeping and shit. So there’s that too. Lord knows what else went down with whom that I’m unaware of.
So hmm, eventually my dad decided he couldn’t afford the place anymore without a roommate but being a 1br guess who got the boot? I’d finally gotten away from the abusive ex though so my mom brought me back into her house. It was never a good thing when we’d live together though. I remind her too much of my father so she’s always been hostile towards me. It’s only now finally started to get a little better. I didn’t last too long at her house though, I’d met someone new and they lived in a house in PA with some friends that I eventually actually just got abandoned at by my friend. She dropped me off one night and just took off for like a good two weeks and I had no way home. That was an all bad situation for a lot of reasons though. No one had stable work, there was never food or anything really. It was a fucking mess, to say the least. Eventually, they lost the place because they couldn’t pay the mortgage. If I’m not losing my mind here from there we moved back to my dad’s place because the roommate he had bailed on him. But my ex didn’t love the idea of staying with my dad so that lasted only a few months before the same friend who’d abandoned me at one point said “hey I have a place you guys should come live here” the bf at the time was insistent cause he didn’t wanna live with my dad so off we went. The place there lasted all of two weeks before my friend decided she didn’t like it anymore and moved us all back to Easton PA. It was a pretty nice place, but again no one had the money to support it. So I think we got maybe like two months out of it before once again having to move. This time she’d had the idea of getting a rent to own place with her then-boyfriend and all of us. Which was fine I guess. I started working two jobs, I would work on cars at Sears automotive all day in NJ, run home to clean up real fast then waitress at night in PA. I was also taking care of my then bf’s son who was with us. So you know, things were looking up or so it seemed when she decided to spring on us, “oh we’re moving to VA so you guys have to move out and you’re on your own” So yep, off we go again into a new place, this time it was myself, my, bf at the time and one other who was rooming with us and had nowhere to go. It started okay but then I kept bringing in people who needed a place to go and it became a fiasco. Lived off a lot of ramen in those times too. I think we managed to make it a whole like 4 months in that place before having to move on yet again. This time we moved back into my dad’s place but took it over because he was moving to SC and still had time on his lease.

Rip taking another detour back cause I remembered another event and yes, I know I’m a fucking idiot okay. So there was one day I couldn’t get ahold of my bf (the abuser) and I didn’t know what was going on. He was supposed to meet me. I walked all over trying to find one of my friends who drove but no one was around. I was 16 so I wasn’t old enough to have a license and shit yet. This guy kept driving by me and eventually stopped asking if I needed help. My stupid ass at first was like nope don’t go there, but then was like he seems harmless enough and I was afraid of getting my ass beat if I didn’t find a way to my bf’s house. Anyways, this guy instead of taking me to my bf’s starts driving around with me, he’s got a flask in his car he’s drinking from offered me some but I declined. He decided at some point to get on the highway and of course I’m like freaking out and have no idea what to do at this point. He pulls over in this little like rest area next to the highway and was like “I’ve never kissed a 16yr old before” and this dude had to be like late 40s early 50s I guess. Soooo yeah he starts kissing me and feeling me up. He started asking me if he thought my dad would let me go to Atlantic City with him for a weekend. You know where that was going… Eventually, he started driving again and did take me up to my bf’s house who of course by then wasn’t there anymore so he took me back down into town and dropped me off where he picked me up. Of course, then I was able to find my “friends” and shit. That situation could have ended so much worse, I’m lucky it didn’t.

Okay, that was a fun detour, on to the back at my dad’s old place in NJ. I had been getting sick on and off for a little while by this point. Oh actually shit, at some point this bf and I had stayed at my mom’s for a stint too. I don’t remember in between where now though, I only remember it because I’d gotten violently ill one night. I think it was before heading to my dad’s then through all the moves, but I honestly don’t remember now. Anyway, this is now 2007 and I was really sick again, the pain was unbearable and I tried reaching my mom to take me to the hospital. But had no luck. My ex was there with his son so I wasn’t going to make him take me. Eventually, I drove myself to the hospital doubled over in the worst pain I’d ever felt in my life up to this point. I remember going in and begging to be put into a bed right away, of course I got “you have to see triage first” I’m sitting there head on their desk filling out the paperwork. Eventually get to triage and she asks me my pain on a scale of 1 - 10, I tell her 10 immediately and she goes “clearly you’ve never given birth” I’m assuming they thought I was drug seeking, but holy fuck I don’t know how one couldn’t clearly see the pain I was in. I’d never even had a painkiller in my life before at this point. Finally, I get back into a room and it was a nurse I was familiar with from my regular doctor’s office so that was nice. She got me something to help with the pain as I got tested. She came back in and told me I had to be admitted because I had gallstones which resulted in pancreatitis so bad it damn near killed me. Normally for most gallstones isn’t too big a deal and just a schedule surgery back home the next day but I was in such bad shape I had to stay in the hospital for a week before they could even consider surgery because they had to clear the pancreatitis. Which meant I couldn’t eat or drink anything, including water that whole week. I spent most of my time there alone, my mom popped in a few times. I was pretty terrified as you can probably imagine. I’d never had anything major in terms of my health before and having to undergo surgery freaked me out. I also had no insurance at the time, so by the time all was said and done I came out with over 100k in medical debts.

Well, this has gotten super long already so I guess I’ll leave it at this for now. Not sure anyone will even actually read all this shit, but guess it’s good to get it all out either way.
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Last edited by psychoangel691; 09-22-2019 at 06:28 AM..
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