I guess I'm going to try to gather my thoughts and put them all down here, though it'll probably be broken down into a few posts over time cause I’m honestly not sure I can relive everything in a day.
My childhood idk, I don't remember a ton of it. I know I was bullied and made fun of a lot in school, so maybe that's why I don't really recall a lot of it. I was born with weight/health issues beyond my control and despite being a super active kid, it's persisted. I guess outside that my childhood was sort of normal. My dad worked at a roller rink, so I spent most of my time there.
There's a few things that went down in my early teens, but they're kind of vague now and I guess not super relevant. Shit really started taking a major turn when I turned 15.
It would take a lot to really explain it all but going to try to make it as simple as possible, I don’t remember too much of the earlier part of the year. I know I’d always felt like a loser ‘cause all my friends had boyfriends/girlfriends and I had never had one. Most of them had already had sex by this time as well, so I questioned what was wrong with me. Then comes in my first boyfriend August of that year. I was excited blah blah, but then he was already starting behaviors that should have made me run. Cheating, lying, breaking up w me back together blah blah. But I was so down on myself I didn’t want to lose my chance at a relationship and kept putting up with it. Lost my virginity to this dude Nov of that year. I was excited about this though and shared it with a couple of my close guy friends. I never really had too many girls who were friends, I was always a tom boy. But this also resulted in when my bf decided he was going to break things off again two of my guy friends that knew took advantage of that. Which was probably the start of why I have such a skewed view on sex compared to most people.
So to top things off with this crazy ass relationship I had going on, my parents decided to tell us the day after Christmas that year that they were getting a divorce. For me at the time it was devastating. I know compared to a lot of things in life it seems minor, but it really fucked me up. Especially when my dad broke down crying to me about how he fucked up. I’ll never forget that moment. Two weeks later after they told us they were divorcing we got a phone call from my uncle I’ll never forget. We got home and I ran in and pressed play on the answering machine (yep, I’m that old) only to hear my uncle’s panicked voice about how something happened to my other uncle and to call back. I still hear it in my head. As it would turn out, my uncle died of a drug overdose that day. I had just gotten my first guitar that xmas too, the last photo we have of him is him tuning it up for me. He was supposed to teach me ‘cause he was in a band and all that jazz. But yeah anyway, it was kind of a lot all at once.
I don’t recall exactly when the abuse started with my boyfriend. It was subtle at first, then started to escalate more and more as the days went on. Started out with verbal abuse, then eventually migrated to sexual abuse. He’d penetrate me with whatever he pleased, he even videoed me performing sex acts and I was a minor, so there’s that too. He’d show it to friends and whatnot, as far as I know another “friend” of mine actually stole the tape for himself at some point. He’d also force me to have sex while others watched. I don’t remember when the hitting started, I don’t remember how many times or all the reasons why I’d get hit, but there’s a few that stand out in my mind. Hell I even still have the letters of him apologizing as abusers do. One time it was because I dropped a cup and it broke, he was angry so he took the pieces of glass and proceeded to cut me with them. Another time he fucked another girl while I was there and he knew I was upset, I mean c'mon. So I got a crowbar thrown at me. He nearly knocked me out another time when he slammed my head down into the shifter of his truck after he was out cheating on me again. I remember blacking out for a brief moment. He nearly broke my neck at someone’s house, had a knife to my throat, tried running me down with his car, idk there’s so many instances of abuse, and this is something I lived with for 3 years of my life before I finally decided I’d rather just fucking die then spend another minute being abused by this guy.
He also got me into legal trouble. We went to a friend’s house of mine and he decided to steal some shit like the asshole he was. I didn’t even know what went down until it was too late. My friend’s dad was an ex cop and this dumbass stole hollow point bullets and some other shit. My dad found it in my room while we were out and called the cops. I got to come home high AF to cops at my fucking house and a shitton of pot on me. That was fucking great let me tell you. I was so fucked up at the time though and idk why, wondering if I’d been slipped something else cause I was nodding out. I fell asleep for like a solid 24hrs straight after the cops hauled him off. I had to go through court proceedings and all that bullshit. Ended up on probation and having to do community service. Which I ended up fucking up at one point and got locked up for. All because he committed a crime and I didn’t report it so I was an accessory. Didn’t matter that he’d have fucked me up if I had done something against him. So I got ganged up on in lock up, fucked up pretty good one night by these three girls. That was super. Got out and went back to the whole community service bullshit. My very last day there put me in a bad situation which resulted in me being raped. I still remember every fucking moment of that day, and I still blame myself for it happening. I didn’t tell anyone about it for like a good year too. But I’ll get more into the details another time. I’m a bit worn already just from typing this bit up so I guess here’s your first glimpse into my life.
Last photo of my uncle
