[Spenner]

The cycle of abuse works like the formation of a real storm. [time lapse of hurricane forming]. I've been in this cycle multiple times, from multiple vantage points. Each time is fundamentally the same, thinking that I need something to distract me from reality. I mean, that's what ends up happening-- I'm really looking for solutions. Trying to figure out ways to align myself with acceptance of how things really are. I could go through my life story of what I've been through, but there's really no point. We've all been through a lot when something like this goes on.

I'm just getting through a point in my life where I'm no longer slowly killing myself several times over-- quite a miracle, really. I had absolutely no idea that change was possible. I guess there are certain times I have the energy to want to feel unstuck, and I try to harness that energy as much as I can.

I feel like a lot of adjustment needs to happen if anything is to change for you. If you have a job that is hard enough that you feel you have to drink during it (I've been through that myself), change jobs. It's unsustainable. If the amount of work is the same, you're not going to stop drinking for it. I feel terrible that I had to quit my job, but I don't know if I would've been able to survive if I hadn't.

Make a list of all the reasons you have for drinking/abusing things, and try to address them. Or at least supplement for them in healthier ways. When you're sitting in an aimless void of your own suffering, there's nowhere to ground yourself. Our heads are full of knots that we need to identify as such, and do what we can to untie them.

Being addicted to so many things really fucked with my head, but I'm trying to be conscious of where my attention is being pulled away from, and I'm doing my best not to let it control me.

Also, you have to know what's best for yourself, and just give it time. When you decide to stop taking things altogether for awhile (do this), ensure that you stick with it for a good amount of time and keep yourself working towards some sort of goal (maybe you need to move somewhere new where you're not constantly surrounded in associations of the past), and just try to embrace becoming new. I'm not there yet, but fuck, I'm making progress finally. Don't ever think about how much work it is going to be-- just give yourself credit for the small victories.

On top of it all, try to appreciate the miracle of existence itself, and try to find ways to connect yourself to the earth. By studying things and exploring things about it, and recognizing how similar we are to the other things that flourish around us. I never feel alone anymore because I'm always with [idk the word].

My first real goal personally, was to try to get physically more healthy so that I was able to feel anything at all again. Eating better, exercise, and not drinking, can allow your dopamine to manifest into something you can actually experience WITHOUT substances.