[Cavernio]

eeeeeee, I know that's just a draft, but I can see why you may not have done well on your previous test :-/ Note that I don't know how to format anything properly.

"The jump in the poem "Prelude to Jumping in the River", by Katia Grubisic, is adequately used as a metaphor for making important decisions. "

I know the assignment is to discuss the "jump" but there is, alas, no actual jump in the poem, but only the moments before the decision to jump once one's already chosen to stand on the precipice. The jump itself would be better compared to the moment the decision is made (or not made as the case may be), not all the things leading up to the decision.

"Grubisic uses a sense of detail so vivid: "The pizzicato of the crickets" (19). and "deeply rooted lilies, suckling bladderwort" (12-13); this abundance of complex words and description places emphasis on how great of a challenge the boy was facing when he came face to face with his dire decision."

-So vivid that what?? You leave it hanging. We use the word 'so' in everyday language almost as a synonym to 'very'. However, the proper use of so must have an addition. 'so good that I wanted more' is acceptable. 'It was so vivid' is a sentence fragment.
-Are you saying that the abundance of complex words and descriptions emphasizes the great challenge of decision making as well as the boy's jump? Because you only say that it emphasizes the jump without tying it into actual decision-making.
-I'm not sure 'complex words and descriptions' is really a good enough reason to say that the poem represents decision-making. Lots of things are complex and have lengthy descriptions, but that doesn't mean they're all metaphors for decision-making.
-In the same point as previously talked about, if you are simply pulling a couple of lines as exemplars of something that the poem uses throughout, you don't want to start off with quoting those because it implies that only those lines you quoted represent your point, even if you specifically say that is not the case. Rather, put the quotations at the end of the idea as examples.
-I think most people will disagree that even if the kid were nervous as hell, I'm not sure 'dire' is the right word. If you feel that dire is the right word, then explain how (which would likely also tie into the idea that in life, decisions are often important or may be dire)


"Grubisic also describes every moment of his jump, from his very first action, to the final, "reckless moment when [he] cannot turn back" (28). This description, along with all of the other description, allows the reader the knowledge that assessing the situation before making a drastic decision is a great idea, because once the "leap of faith" into an unknown is taken, there is no turning back."
-Seems fine except that you say 'along with all of the other description'...that's far too vague...if you mean the rest of the poem in its entirety, then say the that

"In essence, thinking before acting, even though it is hard to do sometimes, will always make the outcome better."
-Not sure if better or worse is represented at all in the poem, and if it is, you haven't made a case for it. I agree with the thought immediately before this sentence, but this line definitely doesn't follow from that.



Overall, I think your writing is good. But I think where you're lacking is in the actual excersise. It took you 15 minutes to write this you say, but how much time did you spend thinking about it though? Because you seem to be missing some pretty obvious things. Just for example, from like line 8 to 20 is a simile to how long-lasting and far-reaching a decision can be.
During your test I would strongly recommend you mull over the question and give it a little more thought than you appear to have done with this excersise. And I don't mean it to come off as if I'm telling you you're lazy, a lazy person wouldn't even bother doing a redo of the test. I mean it so that you don't rush. You're a smart person and you can write just fine, but honestly, this little piece of writing conveys that you don't have a good grasp of the concept of metaphor. It reads like you don't understand the question and you're just grasping at straws as to what it actually represents, and hoping that in saying random, semi-pertinent things, you're going to hit the mark. Which is a shame because I'm pretty sure you understand the question just fine, and you probably also have good points in what you've written, however you just haven't expanded them enough in order for them to actually BE good.