[dore]

it's not particularly good but I'm sure if you show it to your angel then you'll get laid regardless of its quality

You comma splice a lot. If you have to, take your words out of the lines and read them like prose and see if it sounds right. If it doesn't, it's not going to sound right as a poem.

Also the possessive of "who" is "whose" not "who's." There's never an apostrophe in a possessive pronoun.