[SubaruPoptart]

Life story as of right now. When I'm in a much better frame of mind I'll do another one of these, but here's what's happening right now. I'm super young still so I may be able to come back to this in a few years and reflect, which I super look forward to being able to do.

Stuff's gotten progressively worse and worse but I'm still managing slightly. I really only have one person to talk about it to and I think getting it out to a lotta other people will do me a bunch of good.

Been hiding some stuff I have for a bit, gonna continue hiding some of it because I'm still not too comfortable but I've mentioned one thing in particular before in the past. Just know that it's slightly affecting me, and also helping me at the same time.


School's stressful, this is nothing new, but especially now. I hate the video-call format. I've never been one for one-on-one talks with anything or anybody, physical or virtual. Only very specific people am I comfortable with talking one-on-one with or those I feel I trust. But all that aside I just... haven't attended online classes because of that. I try to do the work but I never can because of HELLA anxiety which is a result of not doing the things so it's just a feedback loop.

The school's not very clear with their information either, stating at the beginning of the year that GPA and credit won't be applied, yet at the same time around the 6th of may subtly implying that credit IS being applied this year yet GPA still won't be affected, on top of that releasing "progress reports" which are pretty much just report cards online, is never a good time. They stated a few days ago that school ends May 29th which is fantastic, I was startin to feel happy about that but then just yesterday announced something was due on June 1st, so I don't think they can even keep track of what they're stating or they're just blatantly contradicting themselves, or I just missed something completely, because I attend homeroom since I absolutely have to. I get the information from homeroom, go to do the first class of the day, then just blank out and sit there for a bit and then next thing I know the "school" day's done. I go to the computer downstairs and just go on with my day slightly worry-free.

All that aside life's slightly OK, with this virus bullshit blah blah blah changed my way of life blah blah "UnCerTaIN TiMeS" but what's really got me worried is the fact that all three adults in my house are immunocompromised, and having just one get sick could spell disaster for the rest of just everything. Two still go to work as they're considered either emergency or essential and we're all paranoid as hell, and all this paranoia, anxiety, and straight up fear/dread has also contributed to me just not doing anything school-related.

It's a self-dug hole I've gotten myself into as I have zero credit for this trimester after getting fucking jebaited by the school, and now don't know what to do. We either have a month or 2 weeks left of the school year, depends on how the school district's feeling that day I guess, and I have no way of making up work since they ALSO changed the grading system just recently so anything I haven't done I CAN'T do since they can't just switch the grades over. It's all bullshit, it's slightly self-inflicted and it's entirely awful.

All the badness aside, stuff's going SLIGHTLY well. I can't go outside anymore due to stuff I mentioned above so I can't go on walks that would calm me down and clear my head, but I have, as Haku put above, escapism! Video-games are kinda the only solace I have atm, which I guess is still something. Minecraft, Terraria, Idle Games, FFR of course, it's pretty nice for the most part. It's not working as well as I'd hoped it to, but it's definitely helping some.

Emotions are another issue, I don't really feel them sometimes. Sometimes it's just a very dull pressurized sensation in my chest which I can tell for a fact is anxiety, yet I feel completely normal. Otherwise I'm either slightly happy, "angry gamer mode", or just totally neutral. It's only in-between, there's no real distinct things going on.

Having taken a break to collect myself between writing this, I'm rambly as hell. So apologies if stuff doesn't seem to make sense sometimes. I think as fast as I type so you're seeing it exactly how I'm thinking it.

Szamar Madar - Venetian Snares, Undiscovered Colors - Flashbulb, Frame of Mind - Tristam + Braken, and a few other songs have been my tether to reality as of late, and all-a-y'all have been, too. FFR's something for me to focus on that's not all the bad shit in the world and for that I'm grateful. Learning a foreign language, too. I get to talk to so many other people, and I get to learn stuff about a new culture, learn how words came to be and help others who may not be able to, get past a language barrier which makes me feel really good. I've been working on Portuguese as of late and will attempt to make the jump to Italian whenever I'm able to speak Portuguese as well as I speak Spanish.

This year as a whole's gonna be one I try to forget as a whole. The bad stuff, anyway. I'm totally hitting Division 7 sometime this year. Ever since January 1st, it's been one long skillboost, a permanent one at that. I don't see it ending anytime soon, either. Just last night I figured out Bridgeport somewhat, and blackflagged OMW. So good stuff'll stay, everything else can go, though. But yeah. that's about it for now.

TL;DR, the quotes that aren't spoilered in my signature are how life's going right now, but it won't be like that forever. So I have whenever it gets better to look forward to. Apologies if I didn't quite grasp the purpose of this thread, too. I saw a bunch of vents and figured I could try too.