[kitkat9]

Originally Posted by radxmad

Well written, although if I may make a minor suggestion, the "But O!" and "But alas!" sound out of place, and are overused. I'd consider changing/cutting it

I agree, you have such a strong voice then those come in and it was strange. I also feel that you use "and" a lot more than you need to (possibly go through and count how many times you say "and"). I would suggest cutting some out, take out some of the wordiness, that will make it more powerful text. I really like the prose/poetry format, it goes really well for this piece.

There is some really nice imagery in here, there are some cliche's but I think because your voice is so strong and your wording unique that it's ok in here.

Very nice job