Know my story please
 

I'm going through tough moral shit right now. I'm close to breaking, and at a critical point in my life (high school) and I just realized that I am taking midterms and the Compass test soon and the past few weeks my stress has been building exponentially!! I have talked to multiple people about this ranging from peers to psychologists to doctors to parents to teachers to adults to people in chat rooms to my inner self, and nothing is working for me, I'm constantly depressed and now becoming dangerously depressed and in a tight spot. I want to dump as much stuff as I can fathom into this thread and hopefully get advice or insight or helpful comments of any sort. If any of you saw my thread about Depression Treatment Centers, there's a reason why I haven't gone yet I will discuss here..

From the beginning.. This is where I think it all started - I was always a gun-ho kind of child, always talking to people I shouldn't. I was diagnosed with ADHD/ADD and always had to talk, always had to be the center of attention. I was so friendly I almost got myself abducted by talking to random strangers. I went to several special ed schools in my elementary years. Those elementary schools were incredibly harsh to their students. I remember being locked away in a white room approximately five by five feet wide and six feet high. It was torture, being locked in that room behind a metal door that had one window and a mirror on the inside showing the door's blind spots. I spent several hours of each day at school in that room because they believed depriving me of people to talk to would fix my ADHD/ADD. Sometimes I protested going to that room.. I would yell, cry, beg, but when I did any of that they would physically apprehend me (push me to the ground) and get on top of me and force my arms behind my back while crossing them to transport me to that place.. I remember I saw a teacher had come to check up on me one time and I pulled a piece of thin string from my sock and said "I have string, look!" and I just wanted their attention but they took it as I was going to attempt to do something bad with it so they stripped my shirt and socks because they had loose threads and I was taken to the principles office where my teacher held my arms behind me crossed while my principle said I shouldn't do that again, etc etc, and burnt my face with his lit cigarette. My mom then realized my suffering was true and we moved to where I live now. That is probably what began my social anxiety..
After that I was quieter. I had annoyed everyone around me with my hyper activity and it was eventually pounded into me after that last incident at school that talking in school will lead to my physical pain and mental torture through abuse and isolation.. I was in the new school's gifted program but dropped out because I didn't want any homework (I regret that). I made 95% or so of my friends in the fourth grade in the gifted program because I had been there for a while before I dropped out of it. I was used to being around people who were really intelligent and that was the time right before I became silent in school.. In these classes everyone talks about random events, undecipherable and incomprehensible mainstream sayings, and other miscellaneous discussion before during and after class, which constantly has distracted me and made me envious and depressed being alone, worth less than others, uninteresting, wierd..

Then.. I went from fifth to ninth grade without realizing how alone I was.. I was smart enough to notice. I had always been the quiet guy in class. I always thought I was quiet only in school but normal out of class with my family, but in the beginning of my tenth grade (now) I found out I have trouble talking to the guy I have known since kindergarten.. I started seeing a psychologist this year and she diagnosed me with social anxiety. After that point being upset was becoming exponential. An everyday thing. Well, I am tired of being upset everyday. Since last week I have had to go into the bathroom near the end of every school day and just cry really hard into my jacket. My brain is completely fried from the overload of deep thoughts that don't stop coming, most of them so sad they depress me unless I am distracting myself with a game or guitar or something that doesn't require critical thinking. Something new that has been happening to me is that I go through fits of being cold but sweating and having an increased heart rate and a tight chest and heart burn. I'm staying home more often because of stress. It's not that I don't like school, it's that it is such a stressful environment which promotes critical thinking and breeds social activities which I am always feeling left out of, whether it be a simple side conversation I may overhear, or class activities or school activities.. Surprisingly to me, my grades are still all high B's even though I have now racked up about 30 absences this and last month.. That's also a issue for me, I am reaching a critical point where I am feeling like only a Depression Treatment Center or a place where I can get away from school for a while whilst also being helped in various ways could help.. Another problem is my mother. She is incredibly strict natured from her upbringing and she has been really hard on me about a lot of things. Right when I get home she asks me to tell her what is wrong in detail and at that time I have just gotten home, the place where in my room I find enough distraction during the day with video games or guitar practicing to make me feel better, and every day she brings it up again and gets really upset with me when I beg not to have to explain right when I get home. Even when I have calmed down later in the day and offer to talk with her she often refuses.. She has been saying I just want to skip school to be truant because I am lazy and irresponsible, but I AM NOT ANY OF THAT!!! How could I be when all my teachers say I am years ahead of my age and always brag about how intelligent I am and my grades and my soon to be testing for the ability to take college classes in high school?! She is also going against my father and I's agreement on staying home for a while until I can go to a Depression Treatment Center so I can be helped.. I also asked her which is more important - school or my well being, and she instantly replied school, when everyone else including my father has said well being is more important between the two! Every time her argument is that all they will do it pump me full of drugs and attempt to gain money through my stay when everyone else says otherwise and she also is the one reason I haven't felt comfortable enough to tell anyone about the next thing, but this is a forum, my parents shouldn't see this...

Now.. this is a tricky thought for me to talk about. It's suicide. I am not feeling happy the majority of every day, stressed, alone, jealous, sad, depressed and I am losing the strength to continue.. I've contemplated suicide many times, in many ways, with many safeguards to make sure I would die and not be found until sure death had descended upon me. I think of safeguards because attempted suicide for attention would likely completely ruin my life, so instead of ruin my life I would rather just make sure it ended it if I ever decided on it. Those thoughts have increased recently (mainly at night time when I sit down in bed to go to sleep but am kept up for hours by insomnia and unbreakable unconscious depressing thoughts.. I feel like my mother would disown me or take away all of my material possessions or belt me many times if I told someone I was having these thoughts.. I want help but the last thing I want is for my life to feel ruined trying to get that help..

I feel super duper incredibly depressed right now, and my current goal is to go to a Depression Treatment Center so I can be helped, but my mother.. If someone could help me think of a way to do this as soon as possible with the least back lash from my mother as possible, I would be very appreciative!

I said all of that, but I still didn't go into detail about why I am lonely, depressed, etc.. I really don't want to recall those things..

For the past year and a half I have been trying everything I could possibly think of to better myself or help myself feel better and tried talking to many many people.. I feel like I am about to run out of options, and if I do run out of options, I won't accept being this depressed for x amount of more years.. did i mention i barely went into detail? help

Re: Know my story please
 

If you're thinking about suicide, you should really try to talk to someone who you trust. I personally did not find suicidal prevention hotlines to be very useful based off my past experience. A family member, or a best friend usually does the trick; however, if that's not really an option for you, there are people on FFR that can help you out. I'm sure a lot of people on FFR have some experience with suicidal thoughts.

Re: Know my story please
 

1 (800) 273-8255 suicide hotline
if you need someone who's trained to hear out people's problems then use this. you can use this as many times as you like for as long as you like. it's not a permanent fix but if you need something to get your hands on then yeah

there's online chats for this thing too but i kinda don't know where that is rn

also if you need someone to talk to yo i'm here hmu

edit: if it comes down to like the worst tell your mom (or your dad.) it's either being disowned (at the like absolute worst) or dying

also try to focus your thoughts on improving something. then you won't have as much time to feel sad.
or like a hobby. you were on the right track with gaming and playing the guitar

but yeah idk man also feel free to hmu really

Re: Know my story please
 

You've been heavily abused. The public school system is not accomodating to kids who aren't as prone to learning to be still and obedient, and in horrible cases such as yours they just resort to physical and emotional abuse with kids they don't know how to "deal with". Really the ADHD diagnosis or any other such psychiatric diagnoses is just a justification for them to abuse you that way. It definitely makes sense that you have social anxiety when the only social environment you know is one that traumatizes and dehumanizes you, but it's not some disorder in you (the "diagnosis")--it's a disorder in them.

You've been going through this system your whole life; it's the only thing you know, but I really hope you know it's not the only thing in life.

What are these "Depression Treatment Centers" you're talking about? Can you describe them / are you referring to some specific institution?

Re: Know my story please
 

I'm not 100% on this, but isn't it a form of child abuse/neglect if your parents/guardians don't give you the needs to ensure your emotional well being? If worse comes to worse, calling child services could be an option to get you to where you need to be

Re: Know my story please
 

It's my conception of a place I could go that is made to help people and stay there until I can figure stuff out with guidance from the people there and possibly medication if it will help..

I haven't done any research about this, I am kind of scared to because it feels like a place similar to what my conception is might not be here and that's kind of my last hope right now and I don't want to research places and end up feeling like they won't help me. Having someone else like my parents or maybe even a social worker would let me just go into it with a positive attitude and hope for the best..

They make the food on my plate every day, do my laundry for me, have cared for me my entire life. With this.. they keep telling me "just deal with it" but it feels like they don't understand how depressed I am.. Just because they don't get how terrible I feel doesn't mean I want to have nothing to do with them anymore..

I feel like if I make a decision for myself my life could be ruined

I've tried suicide hotlines, I have tried talking to my best friend, I have tried talking to his mother, I have tried talking to my brother, and my school counselors (the way the counselors handled it made me distrust them completely but they tried to explain they weren't trained for it and i dont know) Nobody wants to get involved because if they do, my mother might shut them out of my life.

Re: Know my story please
 

because your mother might...

get them involved, force your mom to accept the situation for what it is. this isn't about her, this is about you. you deserve to be happy.

ive had real life friends that have attempted suicide and it was the scariest thing that's ever happened to me, and i really don't want to see you go through it either.

you have to own the situation for what it is, force everybody around you to own it for what it is, let the people that are denying the situation know loud and clear that you are unhappy with how life is going right now.

the first step to fixing a problem is for all of them to admit there is a problem in the first place. especially your mom...

Re: Know my story please
 

I tried telling her she didn't understand and that what I need is to at least stay home from school for a little while so we can look for a place I could go to to get help, and I am beginning to lose focus anyway but then she starts yelling and saying the insurance won't cover anything and I might not even be able to get a new psychiatrist and then she brought up how she has heart problems and I have turned her life upside down because she has been worried sick about me and then she said fuck me and told me to get out..

My dad said involving child services would be hell and I don't know if that was to instill fear into me so I wouldn't do it or if it actually would be..

ive been listening to this same damn song for almost 10 hours but it makes me slightly happier so whatever

Re: Know my story please
 

I know this concerns none of us but, if you want to work on some sort of introspection and make yourself happier with small steps at a time, it's where you have to start.

It would be a lot easier with a professional though.

Re: Know my story please
 

I don't know what to do right now

All I know is that I have school tomorrow and I don't want to go.. My mom says she thinks lunch is my problem and she said she is going to contact my teacher and keep me from lunch.. I don't want to go back until something changes also... Just staying at home won't help me because my brain is overloaded and I am having trouble thinking for myself which is why I am reaching out to anyone here who cares- I need help

Re: Know my story please
 

What is mostly on my mind right now:
There is currently 11 people viewing this thread and they have consistently been here since I made it.. Does that mean you guys care enough to stay and check in when you have time or is it just interesting enough or stupid enough for you to keep looking back because it's funny? Funny enough for LBBD to laugh at me.. If you lose interest in this thread will you leave? Does anyone here actually care about what I am going through? I don't know how to feel.. That is what has been bothering me, I am contradicting myself in my mind!!! If I am so upset about being alone and about people, me looking to other people for help disproves my feeling like nobody cares.. but the students at my school don't seem, to care and I am upsetting everybody who apparently does care about me by being upset because the people who don't care about me don't care about me!!
I am alone for eight hours a day, watching constant human interaction and feeling envy and jealousy and sadness because I am not included
I only say a few words a day until I get home, then I shut myself in my room because I have nobody who lives near me except a person who used to be my best friend until my other best moved away.. My parents are too old to want to do anything with me but they feel responsibility to care for me

Re: Know my story please
 

If you get on skype, I could chat with you all year about that kind of stuff. I'm pretty sure you'll get tired of me before I get tired of you.

Challenge accepted?

Re: Know my story please
 

woah, rapta, im actually here because im worried. of course i care about your situation and im doing anything i can to help. like i said before, i do not find this funny at all and want to be here for you, but i know it must be hard considering we hardly ever talk and you've never even seen my face before. i realize my signature is not helping at all so i removed it...

Re: Know my story please
 

I have tried talking to individual people but this is seemingly too big of a problem for one person to comprehend and help me with, at least that's what a lot of people have told me, and I am tired of having to try thing after thing after thing, person after person to try to feel better, posting here will allow anyone who wants to post help me

I think I have serious trust issues when it comes to what people say.. "I worry about you" "I feel bad for you" "I understand what you're going through" "I'm here for you" I've been fucked so many times and lied to whenever someone says something like that I instantly deny it and it hurts because I don't know

I feel like crying again.. keeping from school will have consequences and calling social services is scary and it feels like I have to do something radical to get help

I don't want to have to do something radical, I want people to care, I hate being this depressed to where I can barely see the damn words I'm typing through the tears

THAT"S SO BAD I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I JUST FUCKING CRIED

Re: Know my story please
 

High school isn't as big of a deal as you think it is. Don't stress about it too much. So long as you push to better yourself, what happens now with school won't impact you that much in the end.

Re: Know my story please
 

My mother says school is more important than my well being and whatever I say she is going to force me to go to school tomorrow.. I asked her if she cared about how I felt and that's when she said "No I don't, fuck you. Get out"

I can't tell if it was just from anger or if she doesn't care anymore..

If I am stressing her as much as she has told me then is it just easier for her to stop caring?

Re: Know my story please
 

You want to talk about it with me? We're about the same age so I can understand at least the school aspect of what you're dealing with right now.

Re: Know my story please
 

I need to figure out what I am going to do tomorrow.. Last Thursday my dad convinced my mother to let me stay home because of stress.. At the end of the day, my memory repression made me forget all my problems with the help of games and guitar practice lessons every Thursday.. but I went back to school last Friday after staying home and then I was feeling so terrible after a full week of feeling depressed, suicidal thoughts were strong Friday night and the following weekend.. It was then my mother said she didn't want to have anything to do with this anymore and so my dad let me stay home for two days (this Monday and Tuesday) but then mom said I had to go today and the rest of the school days regardless of how I feel. After four days away from it, I had forgotten a lot of issues, but then a trigger.. I saw the girl who is my closest friend, who I haven't been talking to recently in school because of all of this. I haven't hung out with her because the last few times I tried she seemed to completely ignore me, and this is a person I felt so trusted that I promised to always be there for them, to protect them, to help them.. That has been a huge feel with me, whenever I am in a group of people, whether it be friends family or others, I can never think of things to say, my chest gets tight, and whatever I do say seems to always get brushed off by everyone in the group while they continue their conversations, and when I saw her, my heart rate doubled and a bunch of thoughts raced in my head as I walked past her in the hall: Has she seen me? Can I bring myself to say hey? I can't say hey to her, she's lost interest in me as a human being, I mean why else have we stopped hanging out, stopped texting.. Then we passed each other and that was what triggered me having to hold back a waterfall the rest of the day. My work ethic was completely thrown off by an onslaught of depressing memories brought on by the trigger of seeing her again.. Even though we had talked about this via text a few days ago and she said it herself she has been a bad friend lately and she wasn't going to have me be a "side friend".. I still can't bring myself to be with this best friend because she says I can't just keep her all to myself and she wants to hang out with other people too.. Also after those last few instances we met she ignored me as I said.. I might have been fine today being semi distracted with school work, but when I saw her I died slightly on the inside because she brought on a bunch of memories of depressing thoughts and observations

That's one introspection and I hated every second I had to remember it ;-;

Re: Know my story please
 

If there's one thing I would want to say to try and help you, it'd be to tell you how false this is.

There's nothing but your well being.

If you can go another year, another month, even another day, then school is irrelevant in the grand scheme. You can recover from bad grades, you can even recover from dropping out.

But if your well being is being neglected to the point of thinking of turning to suicide, then it may very well be the last thing that matters.

I know telling you this might not help anything directly, but one of the worst things you can do right now (or ever in your life, really) is begin to believe in lies.

Re: Know my story please
 

My father told me if I miss too many days of school then my parents won't receive their social security checks and we will lose our home.. News to me
That really fucking complicates things

unless i was lied to but idek