free form fun?
 

just looking for some feedback, like it or not just tell me what you think.

the silence is deafening
so rare and surreal
a loss of a sense
such an odd way to feel
wanting to scream
but unable to break this moment
rendered completely mute
with no sign of refute
entirely entangled
by this new sense of being
no thoughts run through
as this silence grew
engrossing every last bit
of everything around where I sit
no thoughts
no sounds
only the smell of late spring
blossoming flowers,trees,bushes
carried effortlessly by the most wonderful breeze
flowing off the lake as if water itself
moving slowly but perfectly
so light it can't be heard
it counters the fire of the sun
down to more like embers at night
after a long day of fun
so unbelievably beautiful
all so relaxed
the silence is deafening
and I'm o.k. with that

Re: free form fun?
 

bump for comments
please some feed back

Re: free form fun?
 

It's the sign of the times when no one will respond to a poem like this - you've got some great stuff going here. The overall form is very nice. I especially like what you've done on line 6. After setting up four lines in a metered fashion, you break the meter while at the same time your character is wishing he could break the moment. This really accentuates you're idea, and is very effective. Some of your language is very well chosen - I'm especially jealous of "entirely entangled." You're last line, although not as descriptive, is also well done. It adds an informality to your voice that makes you seem more honest, and less prone to being too profound. Also, you're use of repetition subtle and quite powerful. "No thoughts," makes the middle of your poem flow much more nicely, and repeating the opening line goes a long way towards giving it a message.

But of course, you really came here for criticism, not just to be praised. While the first four lines are very well phrased, many of the others suffer by comparison. It gives the impression that you came up with one verse you really liked, and then felt obligated to finish the rest. Lines 7 & 8 are probably the worst - the rhyme just feels forced. To remedy, consider using the same meter as lines 3 & 4. This would improve the flow, and strengthen line 6 even more. Lastly, it might help to consider your poem in two parts, the break being after "no thoughts/ no sounds." If you meter out everything in the first part, than the free form afterwards might be made all the more effective.

Re: free form fun?
 

I really enjoyed this.

Re: free form fun?
 

dreadful

Re: free form fun?
 

Spheroid, thanks for the praise and criticism, i will take it to heart and see how i can improve using your advice.

Re: free form fun?
 

really?

oh and i fixed the line of mute/refute

Re: free form fun?
 

Pretty good. In a way, it's very descriptive.

Re: free form fun?
 

any more criticism to help me better on my writings?

Re: free form fun?
 

Don't hinge on the same piece to gain the most experience from. Write more, post moar, get more criticism.