Hey y'all, it's your favorite stepmania grandpa
 

So it's been about 14 years since I've first come here. A lot of the good friends I've made through rhythm games have mostly been from FFR, so I owe a lot to this place. I'm getting old now, and few of those who shaped this place when I was around are still here. I've been pretty MIA the past few years from online communities in general, partly due to university, and also due to self isolation.

For many who have met me IRL, especially at Anime North, you probably noticed I was a bit of an alcoholic. It wasn't really something I noticed nor thought about in my early 20s, but I was young and dumb and having lots of fun meeting a bunch of people I knew online. I was always mega excited for the next cons/meetups but I had not yet realized it was serving me as a sort of escapism. I would feel post-con depression a bit harder than everyone else, because a weekend of great times once a year made coming back to a depressing reality that much harder.

I didn't know it back then, but I was depressed, had been suffering from severe anxiety for years (from my teens, never did anything about it), and was slowly going down the path of alcoholism, which runs in my family. Some people are just now making me realize how dangerous my behavior was, and it sort of disappoints me that I never even stopped to consider it being a possibility. It was only in my mid 20s that it became a serious problem. I started lying to my local friends, engaged in self-destructive behavior, hooked up with one of my best friend's girlfriend and basically forced her to let me move in, among other things. I completely destroyed any sort of relationship I had with my friends back home. I was becoming a different person, and I was too ignorant to notice or accept it.

It came to a head at Magfest 2015 where my behavior was scaring my own girlfriend, whom I had brought with me to room with 16 complete strangers in a country she had never been to, to the point where she would have to frequently isolate herself to cry out of sheer stress. Alcohol was destroying everything I had, and it took me a while to truly accept it. A year later, we both decided to go back to school. This is where most of my self-realization happened.

At this point, I had basically immersed myself in my studies and barely did anything related to my hobbies, nor did I speak very often to all the friends I had made over the years.
It would take another two years of her tireless efforts to make me cut alcohol (bless her soul, she has a massive difficulty being confrontational when I'm really stubborn). Even in small amounts, my addictive personality made it difficult to moderate myself, and my personality was still changing for the worse. In the summer of 2018, I finally started to seek professional help, and was diagnosed with long term anxiety disorder.

It's been 10 months since I've been on antidepressants, and it's been a huge change. Though one thing I've realized is that I've become less social, more bitter, and more flat emotionally. Overall, I no longer have anxiety, my mood has significantly improved, and I don't drink any alcohol whatsoever (and barely any caffeine for that matter). Though it feels as if I've cut ties with a lot of my friends, and for that I sincerely apologize. I also apologize if my destructive behavior has affected anyone on here in the past 10 years. I can think of a few people with whom I've been a complete dick for no reason other than my own self frustration and depression.

I'm trying to get back into things slowly, but it's been different. I still love rhythm games and I don't see that changing. I might not be able to contribute as much to FFR as I used to, but I can still be grandpa stepmania sometimes. I've been picking up some of my hobbies again, making chiptune, and trying to reconnect with people I've fallen out with.

Thanks for reading. Solo rulz.

Re: Hey y'all, it's your favorite stepmania grandpa
 

Always here for you if you ever want to talk. You've been one of my closest online friends turned into real life ever since our meeting at AN 2010. This hasn't changed at all, regardless of how out of touch you've been with myself and others.

Re: Hey y'all, it's your favorite stepmania grandpa
 

Hey man I play a lot of pad ITG stuff these days and it's cool seeing your name all over the place for songs. Glad things are looking up for you!

I can't really contribute much to the rhythm game community any more myself, but it blows my mind how much the community at large has picked up the torch and run with it since I was pushing the stepping meta in 2006. It feels like the stuff we did a long time ago left ripples in the community that are still developing today. I don't think any other gaming communities really have anything like it.

Re: Hey y'all, it's your favorite stepmania grandpa
 

If anything, being able to share your story like this is is a huge step, in my opinion.
And while we may not chat a whole lot, seeing you at AN is always a highlight and I'm glad things are turning around for you.

Re: Hey y'all, it's your favorite stepmania grandpa
 

'Grats for working on getting out of that slump dude

Re: Hey y'all, it's your favorite stepmania grandpa
 

Glad things are going better for you

Re: Hey y'all, it's your favorite stepmania grandpa
 

good luck with the new chiptunes :))

Re: Hey y'all, it's your favorite stepmania grandpa
 

Hope nothing but the best for you man, seriously. I had no idea you were struggling that bad, but Im very happy that you got the help that you needed. Youre a good dude, I could tell even even if it felt like I was approaching you as a random nobody at MAG.

Oh ya, solo rulz :mrgreen:

Re: Hey y'all, it's your favorite stepmania grandpa
 

Hey, welcome back :) Hope things continue to go better for you.

Re: Hey y'all, it's your favorite stepmania grandpa
 

Hey man, I'm glad to hear you're okay. It's hard to believe we met seven years ago - you were a cool guy then, and hopefully a cooler one now.

If you want somebody to talk to, feel free to hit me up. Maybe you can teach me a few things about composing chiptunes.

Re: Hey y'all, it's your favorite stepmania grandpa
 

from my own perspective, I always thought you were a cool guy with a lot of confidence and flawless in making humorous stuff like blue french toast, solo stepman review (CHORDSMASH), all kinds of face reactions to HEJ KANIN just to name a few. Of course, there are the mad skills of stepcharting that I want to acknowledge as well (groundhog, in general an overall enjoyable flow of pattern choices in all of your charts) as well as of course the admirable skills of composing music which is 100% relatable to me as a composer myself :) [edit: it was truly an honor and a pleasure to have seen you play and improvise your music last year at Anime North! I really mean that!]

it's certainly eye opening still that there is just so much going on in any person's lives behind closed curtains. I'm honestly very happy to see that you're on track to recovery, picking up hobbies, and having sincere care for those that are close to you. much love to stepmania grandpa <3

Re: Hey y'all, it's your favorite stepmania grandpa
 

welcome back fam im b&'d from fiffer discord but i remember vcing with you there once or twice, u was always cool

solo japan 4 when?? lol jk but ive been into solo recently and ive been havin to chart my own files cuz i dont have enough to play :thinking:

good to see you is doing better tho

Re: Hey y'all, it's your favorite stepmania grandpa
 

Man, more then a few of us became drunks didn't we?

Glad it's getting better for you man and hope you stay around and make FFR your home again for reals. Don t worry too much if you mighta been a dick cuz hell we all were and we're kind of just been letting bygones be bygones lately.

Welcome back Kommi

Re: Hey y'all, it's your favorite stepmania grandpa
 

I had a similar episode when I was a bit younger - I don't even go as far as sipping a beer anymore. I'm glad you decided to make a decision like this.

Re: Hey y'all, it's your favorite stepmania grandpa
 

I've been coming to Anime North since 2016 so I can say with some level of confirmation that you're doing great mate, we all love you <3

Re: Hey y'all, it's your favorite stepmania grandpa
 

On a much more hysterical side-note how much would it cost to get you, Aquellex, Frums, and Kurorak to collab on a 3 minute FFR Masterpiece

Re: Hey y'all, it's your favorite stepmania grandpa
 

damn, I had absolutely no idea what you were going through. you've always been beyond cool to me and my pals during chance encounters and meetups. anime north really wouldn't be the same without seeing you there. huge props for cutting out alcohol entirely; that sounds really fuckin' difficult.

I'm gonna keep an eye out for chiptune releases for sure.

Re: Hey y'all, it's your favorite stepmania grandpa
 

Big thanks fellas. I found this year at Anime North was more enjoyable and more memorable without a single drink. It was nice to feel that.

wtf I was just thinking of stepping this an hour ago lmao

https://soundcloud.com/frums/caprice-for-if


but I'm down literally any time. Aquellex and I owe each other another collab anyways

Re: Hey y'all, it's your favorite stepmania grandpa
 

fuck reading this made me tear up. I needed to read this my dude

Re: Hey y'all, it's your favorite stepmania grandpa
 

Mate, it could be way closer than you think.

I know Kurorak's on a DM-basis with Aquellex, Aquellex was interested when they learned that JHM3 was a thing that existed, and Frums is just a stone-throw away as he both owns an FFR account (Surt) and was very intrigued on getting his songs in FFR in the past, and he's grown a lot since participating in BMS of Fighters.

I think the lot of you could make a super-banger together and it would be an FFR fever dream.

Re: Hey y'all, it's your favorite stepmania grandpa
 

Nothing but <3 from me, dude

(and yeah, your girlfriend's a keeper! ;D)

Re: Hey y'all, it's your favorite stepmania grandpa
 

please tell me theres some juicy drama here and not just weird wording

Re: Hey y'all, it's your favorite stepmania grandpa
 

Man what was with Magfest 2015? I was the exact same way as your GF, I had to keep getting away to cry or de-stress by myself or with only one other person (and there was like nowhere quiet to get away except outside or the board game area). I wish she and I had known each other back then and could have kept each other company, that year was rough

Anyways I'm glad to see you back on FFR again and glad to hear how well everything had been going for you guys both ^^

Re: Hey y'all, it's your favorite stepmania grandpa
 

That's not the proper way to say I approve his gf is good for him?

Re: Hey y'all, it's your favorite stepmania grandpa
 

I mean, that's what I got out of it anyway

Re: Hey y'all, it's your favorite stepmania grandpa
 

À chaque fois que j'ai parlé de toi (et Jess) à qui que ce soit c'était pour dire que vous êtes des amis que j'estime grandement et que j'aimerais être aussi cool que vous. "Un chef avec un sick afro qui fait de la prog, yé vraiment hot" is what I would often say. Sérieusement props à toi ça mérite que je lève mon gatorade pour cheers à ça live là. T'es la seule personne de fiffer que j'ai osé aller visiter hors du québec et oups jpense que c'était prendre le dessert avant le repas pcq c'était un des best moments of my life. For real though, good job and I look forward to having other fun times with you guys.

Re: Hey y'all, it's your favorite stepmania grandpa
 

I only just met you IRL at this last AN, and although it was brief, it's always really cool to see someone I've grown to know online in person! Your girlfriend seemed super nice and supportive too, albeit us not getting to interact all that much. FWIW, alcoholism runs a bit in my family too and I can't help but empathise with that part of your post and the part where you begin to appreciate your culpability in the disintegration of your social circles or your place within them -- I'm still working on that, I suppose it's a process. Regardless, it was cool to see you there and see you post here, I can't help but admire when someone gets that personal with the bad aspects of themselves. You're a strong dude and I fully believe you will only become stronger as the years go by. Someday soon you'll see those posts, "please stop sending my stepmania grandpa charts and stepfiles, he's gotten too powerful"

Re: Hey y'all, it's your favorite stepmania grandpa
 

lol it was fine im just joking around cause of the winky face.. i mean, what happens at anime north stays at anime north, ya know...

Re: Hey y'all, it's your favorite stepmania grandpa
 

bananas

good to see you are in a better place dude

Re: Hey y'all, it's your favorite stepmania grandpa
 

bananas make me jealous sometimes

Re: Hey y'all, it's your favorite stepmania grandpa
 

drunk MN was fantastic

Re: Hey y'all, it's your favorite stepmania grandpa
 

this is awesome, also chiming in to say mag '15 was a nutty ass year

Re: Hey y'all, it's your favorite stepmania grandpa
 

Nice to see you again kommisar! Sounds like you were in a rough time and have grown a lot as a person. :)

Re: Hey y'all, it's your favorite stepmania grandpa
 

Much love coming your way Kommi! I'm glad you've managed to finally pull out of that dark spot and do what you needed to do! Also that girlfriend of yours. Holy shit is she a keeper for sticking it out and being a massive emotional and mental support for you.

I wish both of you good health and fortune for many more years to come and for you, Kommi, to stay strong brother!

Re: Hey y'all, it's your favorite stepmania grandpa
 

sup gramps

Re: Hey y'all, it's your favorite stepmania grandpa
 

I'm proud of you.

Re: Hey y'all, it's your favorite stepmania grandpa
 

Love you <3

Re: Hey y'all, it's your favorite stepmania grandpa
 

God.... Reading this is like looking into my own soul, except it's currently happening to me. I really hope Im able to quit entirely like you have, and maybe actually have someone to help hold me accountable. I've been abandoned by the ones who lived with me, and now it's just me trying to keep myself in check. Im sure you know how that goes.

I do have hope though. Im happy for you to be able to beat this demon, and Im hoping with the few positive changes that just happened to me, I can hopefully do something as well...

Re: Hey y'all, it's your favorite stepmania grandpa
 

I had always wondered where you had gone to. To think that you went down such a path. It's really good to see that you are doing much, much better now, and have sought out professional help to sort things out.

Even though we've rarely, if ever, properly talked to each other in these forms (as well as the Xoon forums, bless those times lol), I've always seen ya as a pretty pivotal person that really influenced my tastes in stepmania charts, as well as one of the people who got me interesting in Solo (which I need to pick back up again now that I've gotten much better thru playing on Etterna). Always thought you were an interesting and chill person, overall.

It's great to see you back. :)

Re: Hey y'all, it's your favorite stepmania grandpa
 

As Gundam-Papi said...
AN 2010 was one of my best memories hanging out with you even though it was just us 4.
Sure we don't talk online (other than Pokemon Pack 1-2(and when is 3 coming out again?))
But i've always looked at you as one of my closer friends from FFR regardless if we have ever talked online much or not. Always one of the coolest dudes I have ever met and that's the honest truth.

I do know what it's like to deal with anxiety issues and just mental health issues in general as I was diagnosed with schizo-active bipolar disorder a half a year ago and have been on medication slowly getting my life back together also.
It took a lot for me to finally sit down and say I've had enough and NEED to get better,
not just for myself but everyone around me who I love and who loves me. Which has been one of the hardest things in my life to finally do so I can relate to the whole stubbornness and everything. I lost everything I could have ever wanted because of it and i'm glad it hasn't come that far for you and you've been repairing it before it had gone to far and had all those awesome people to help you through it by standing by and supporting you.
Honestly good job dude. It's been an amazing change in my life and it seems it's going just as good for you (:
Proud of you homie!!!

Always lots of love from me <333333333333333333333333
Scratch mania 4 lyfe