Know my story please
 

I'm going through tough moral shit right now. I'm close to breaking, and at a critical point in my life (high school) and I just realized that I am taking midterms and the Compass test soon and the past few weeks my stress has been building exponentially!! I have talked to multiple people about this ranging from peers to psychologists to doctors to parents to teachers to adults to people in chat rooms to my inner self, and nothing is working for me, I'm constantly depressed and now becoming dangerously depressed and in a tight spot. I want to dump as much stuff as I can fathom into this thread and hopefully get advice or insight or helpful comments of any sort. If any of you saw my thread about Depression Treatment Centers, there's a reason why I haven't gone yet I will discuss here..

From the beginning.. This is where I think it all started - I was always a gun-ho kind of child, always talking to people I shouldn't. I was diagnosed with ADHD/ADD and always had to talk, always had to be the center of attention. I was so friendly I almost got myself abducted by talking to random strangers. I went to several special ed schools in my elementary years. Those elementary schools were incredibly harsh to their students. I remember being locked away in a white room approximately five by five feet wide and six feet high. It was torture, being locked in that room behind a metal door that had one window and a mirror on the inside showing the door's blind spots. I spent several hours of each day at school in that room because they believed depriving me of people to talk to would fix my ADHD/ADD. Sometimes I protested going to that room.. I would yell, cry, beg, but when I did any of that they would physically apprehend me (push me to the ground) and get on top of me and force my arms behind my back while crossing them to transport me to that place.. I remember I saw a teacher had come to check up on me one time and I pulled a piece of thin string from my sock and said "I have string, look!" and I just wanted their attention but they took it as I was going to attempt to do something bad with it so they stripped my shirt and socks because they had loose threads and I was taken to the principles office where my teacher held my arms behind me crossed while my principle said I shouldn't do that again, etc etc, and burnt my face with his lit cigarette. My mom then realized my suffering was true and we moved to where I live now. That is probably what began my social anxiety..
After that I was quieter. I had annoyed everyone around me with my hyper activity and it was eventually pounded into me after that last incident at school that talking in school will lead to my physical pain and mental torture through abuse and isolation.. I was in the new school's gifted program but dropped out because I didn't want any homework (I regret that). I made 95% or so of my friends in the fourth grade in the gifted program because I had been there for a while before I dropped out of it. I was used to being around people who were really intelligent and that was the time right before I became silent in school.. In these classes everyone talks about random events, undecipherable and incomprehensible mainstream sayings, and other miscellaneous discussion before during and after class, which constantly has distracted me and made me envious and depressed being alone, worth less than others, uninteresting, wierd..

Then.. I went from fifth to ninth grade without realizing how alone I was.. I was smart enough to notice. I had always been the quiet guy in class. I always thought I was quiet only in school but normal out of class with my family, but in the beginning of my tenth grade (now) I found out I have trouble talking to the guy I have known since kindergarten.. I started seeing a psychologist this year and she diagnosed me with social anxiety. After that point being upset was becoming exponential. An everyday thing. Well, I am tired of being upset everyday. Since last week I have had to go into the bathroom near the end of every school day and just cry really hard into my jacket. My brain is completely fried from the overload of deep thoughts that don't stop coming, most of them so sad they depress me unless I am distracting myself with a game or guitar or something that doesn't require critical thinking. Something new that has been happening to me is that I go through fits of being cold but sweating and having an increased heart rate and a tight chest and heart burn. I'm staying home more often because of stress. It's not that I don't like school, it's that it is such a stressful environment which promotes critical thinking and breeds social activities which I am always feeling left out of, whether it be a simple side conversation I may overhear, or class activities or school activities.. Surprisingly to me, my grades are still all high B's even though I have now racked up about 30 absences this and last month.. That's also a issue for me, I am reaching a critical point where I am feeling like only a Depression Treatment Center or a place where I can get away from school for a while whilst also being helped in various ways could help.. Another problem is my mother. She is incredibly strict natured from her upbringing and she has been really hard on me about a lot of things. Right when I get home she asks me to tell her what is wrong in detail and at that time I have just gotten home, the place where in my room I find enough distraction during the day with video games or guitar practicing to make me feel better, and every day she brings it up again and gets really upset with me when I beg not to have to explain right when I get home. Even when I have calmed down later in the day and offer to talk with her she often refuses.. She has been saying I just want to skip school to be truant because I am lazy and irresponsible, but I AM NOT ANY OF THAT!!! How could I be when all my teachers say I am years ahead of my age and always brag about how intelligent I am and my grades and my soon to be testing for the ability to take college classes in high school?! She is also going against my father and I's agreement on staying home for a while until I can go to a Depression Treatment Center so I can be helped.. I also asked her which is more important - school or my well being, and she instantly replied school, when everyone else including my father has said well being is more important between the two! Every time her argument is that all they will do it pump me full of drugs and attempt to gain money through my stay when everyone else says otherwise and she also is the one reason I haven't felt comfortable enough to tell anyone about the next thing, but this is a forum, my parents shouldn't see this...

Now.. this is a tricky thought for me to talk about. It's suicide. I am not feeling happy the majority of every day, stressed, alone, jealous, sad, depressed and I am losing the strength to continue.. I've contemplated suicide many times, in many ways, with many safeguards to make sure I would die and not be found until sure death had descended upon me. I think of safeguards because attempted suicide for attention would likely completely ruin my life, so instead of ruin my life I would rather just make sure it ended it if I ever decided on it. Those thoughts have increased recently (mainly at night time when I sit down in bed to go to sleep but am kept up for hours by insomnia and unbreakable unconscious depressing thoughts.. I feel like my mother would disown me or take away all of my material possessions or belt me many times if I told someone I was having these thoughts.. I want help but the last thing I want is for my life to feel ruined trying to get that help..

I feel super duper incredibly depressed right now, and my current goal is to go to a Depression Treatment Center so I can be helped, but my mother.. If someone could help me think of a way to do this as soon as possible with the least back lash from my mother as possible, I would be very appreciative!

I said all of that, but I still didn't go into detail about why I am lonely, depressed, etc.. I really don't want to recall those things..

For the past year and a half I have been trying everything I could possibly think of to better myself or help myself feel better and tried talking to many many people.. I feel like I am about to run out of options, and if I do run out of options, I won't accept being this depressed for x amount of more years.. did i mention i barely went into detail? help

Re: Know my story please
 

If you're thinking about suicide, you should really try to talk to someone who you trust. I personally did not find suicidal prevention hotlines to be very useful based off my past experience. A family member, or a best friend usually does the trick; however, if that's not really an option for you, there are people on FFR that can help you out. I'm sure a lot of people on FFR have some experience with suicidal thoughts.

Re: Know my story please
 

1 (800) 273-8255 suicide hotline
if you need someone who's trained to hear out people's problems then use this. you can use this as many times as you like for as long as you like. it's not a permanent fix but if you need something to get your hands on then yeah

there's online chats for this thing too but i kinda don't know where that is rn

also if you need someone to talk to yo i'm here hmu

edit: if it comes down to like the worst tell your mom (or your dad.) it's either being disowned (at the like absolute worst) or dying

also try to focus your thoughts on improving something. then you won't have as much time to feel sad.
or like a hobby. you were on the right track with gaming and playing the guitar

but yeah idk man also feel free to hmu really

Re: Know my story please
 

You've been heavily abused. The public school system is not accomodating to kids who aren't as prone to learning to be still and obedient, and in horrible cases such as yours they just resort to physical and emotional abuse with kids they don't know how to "deal with". Really the ADHD diagnosis or any other such psychiatric diagnoses is just a justification for them to abuse you that way. It definitely makes sense that you have social anxiety when the only social environment you know is one that traumatizes and dehumanizes you, but it's not some disorder in you (the "diagnosis")--it's a disorder in them.

You've been going through this system your whole life; it's the only thing you know, but I really hope you know it's not the only thing in life.

What are these "Depression Treatment Centers" you're talking about? Can you describe them / are you referring to some specific institution?

Re: Know my story please
 

I'm not 100% on this, but isn't it a form of child abuse/neglect if your parents/guardians don't give you the needs to ensure your emotional well being? If worse comes to worse, calling child services could be an option to get you to where you need to be

Re: Know my story please
 

It's my conception of a place I could go that is made to help people and stay there until I can figure stuff out with guidance from the people there and possibly medication if it will help..

I haven't done any research about this, I am kind of scared to because it feels like a place similar to what my conception is might not be here and that's kind of my last hope right now and I don't want to research places and end up feeling like they won't help me. Having someone else like my parents or maybe even a social worker would let me just go into it with a positive attitude and hope for the best..

They make the food on my plate every day, do my laundry for me, have cared for me my entire life. With this.. they keep telling me "just deal with it" but it feels like they don't understand how depressed I am.. Just because they don't get how terrible I feel doesn't mean I want to have nothing to do with them anymore..

I feel like if I make a decision for myself my life could be ruined

I've tried suicide hotlines, I have tried talking to my best friend, I have tried talking to his mother, I have tried talking to my brother, and my school counselors (the way the counselors handled it made me distrust them completely but they tried to explain they weren't trained for it and i dont know) Nobody wants to get involved because if they do, my mother might shut them out of my life.

Re: Know my story please
 

because your mother might...

get them involved, force your mom to accept the situation for what it is. this isn't about her, this is about you. you deserve to be happy.

ive had real life friends that have attempted suicide and it was the scariest thing that's ever happened to me, and i really don't want to see you go through it either.

you have to own the situation for what it is, force everybody around you to own it for what it is, let the people that are denying the situation know loud and clear that you are unhappy with how life is going right now.

the first step to fixing a problem is for all of them to admit there is a problem in the first place. especially your mom...

Re: Know my story please
 

I tried telling her she didn't understand and that what I need is to at least stay home from school for a little while so we can look for a place I could go to to get help, and I am beginning to lose focus anyway but then she starts yelling and saying the insurance won't cover anything and I might not even be able to get a new psychiatrist and then she brought up how she has heart problems and I have turned her life upside down because she has been worried sick about me and then she said fuck me and told me to get out..

My dad said involving child services would be hell and I don't know if that was to instill fear into me so I wouldn't do it or if it actually would be..

ive been listening to this same damn song for almost 10 hours but it makes me slightly happier so whatever

Re: Know my story please
 

I know this concerns none of us but, if you want to work on some sort of introspection and make yourself happier with small steps at a time, it's where you have to start.

It would be a lot easier with a professional though.

Re: Know my story please
 

I don't know what to do right now

All I know is that I have school tomorrow and I don't want to go.. My mom says she thinks lunch is my problem and she said she is going to contact my teacher and keep me from lunch.. I don't want to go back until something changes also... Just staying at home won't help me because my brain is overloaded and I am having trouble thinking for myself which is why I am reaching out to anyone here who cares- I need help

Re: Know my story please
 

What is mostly on my mind right now:
There is currently 11 people viewing this thread and they have consistently been here since I made it.. Does that mean you guys care enough to stay and check in when you have time or is it just interesting enough or stupid enough for you to keep looking back because it's funny? Funny enough for LBBD to laugh at me.. If you lose interest in this thread will you leave? Does anyone here actually care about what I am going through? I don't know how to feel.. That is what has been bothering me, I am contradicting myself in my mind!!! If I am so upset about being alone and about people, me looking to other people for help disproves my feeling like nobody cares.. but the students at my school don't seem, to care and I am upsetting everybody who apparently does care about me by being upset because the people who don't care about me don't care about me!!
I am alone for eight hours a day, watching constant human interaction and feeling envy and jealousy and sadness because I am not included
I only say a few words a day until I get home, then I shut myself in my room because I have nobody who lives near me except a person who used to be my best friend until my other best moved away.. My parents are too old to want to do anything with me but they feel responsibility to care for me

Re: Know my story please
 

If you get on skype, I could chat with you all year about that kind of stuff. I'm pretty sure you'll get tired of me before I get tired of you.

Challenge accepted?

Re: Know my story please
 

woah, rapta, im actually here because im worried. of course i care about your situation and im doing anything i can to help. like i said before, i do not find this funny at all and want to be here for you, but i know it must be hard considering we hardly ever talk and you've never even seen my face before. i realize my signature is not helping at all so i removed it...

Re: Know my story please
 

I have tried talking to individual people but this is seemingly too big of a problem for one person to comprehend and help me with, at least that's what a lot of people have told me, and I am tired of having to try thing after thing after thing, person after person to try to feel better, posting here will allow anyone who wants to post help me

I think I have serious trust issues when it comes to what people say.. "I worry about you" "I feel bad for you" "I understand what you're going through" "I'm here for you" I've been fucked so many times and lied to whenever someone says something like that I instantly deny it and it hurts because I don't know

I feel like crying again.. keeping from school will have consequences and calling social services is scary and it feels like I have to do something radical to get help

I don't want to have to do something radical, I want people to care, I hate being this depressed to where I can barely see the damn words I'm typing through the tears

THAT"S SO BAD I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I JUST FUCKING CRIED

Re: Know my story please
 

High school isn't as big of a deal as you think it is. Don't stress about it too much. So long as you push to better yourself, what happens now with school won't impact you that much in the end.

Re: Know my story please
 

My mother says school is more important than my well being and whatever I say she is going to force me to go to school tomorrow.. I asked her if she cared about how I felt and that's when she said "No I don't, fuck you. Get out"

I can't tell if it was just from anger or if she doesn't care anymore..

If I am stressing her as much as she has told me then is it just easier for her to stop caring?

Re: Know my story please
 

You want to talk about it with me? We're about the same age so I can understand at least the school aspect of what you're dealing with right now.

Re: Know my story please
 

I need to figure out what I am going to do tomorrow.. Last Thursday my dad convinced my mother to let me stay home because of stress.. At the end of the day, my memory repression made me forget all my problems with the help of games and guitar practice lessons every Thursday.. but I went back to school last Friday after staying home and then I was feeling so terrible after a full week of feeling depressed, suicidal thoughts were strong Friday night and the following weekend.. It was then my mother said she didn't want to have anything to do with this anymore and so my dad let me stay home for two days (this Monday and Tuesday) but then mom said I had to go today and the rest of the school days regardless of how I feel. After four days away from it, I had forgotten a lot of issues, but then a trigger.. I saw the girl who is my closest friend, who I haven't been talking to recently in school because of all of this. I haven't hung out with her because the last few times I tried she seemed to completely ignore me, and this is a person I felt so trusted that I promised to always be there for them, to protect them, to help them.. That has been a huge feel with me, whenever I am in a group of people, whether it be friends family or others, I can never think of things to say, my chest gets tight, and whatever I do say seems to always get brushed off by everyone in the group while they continue their conversations, and when I saw her, my heart rate doubled and a bunch of thoughts raced in my head as I walked past her in the hall: Has she seen me? Can I bring myself to say hey? I can't say hey to her, she's lost interest in me as a human being, I mean why else have we stopped hanging out, stopped texting.. Then we passed each other and that was what triggered me having to hold back a waterfall the rest of the day. My work ethic was completely thrown off by an onslaught of depressing memories brought on by the trigger of seeing her again.. Even though we had talked about this via text a few days ago and she said it herself she has been a bad friend lately and she wasn't going to have me be a "side friend".. I still can't bring myself to be with this best friend because she says I can't just keep her all to myself and she wants to hang out with other people too.. Also after those last few instances we met she ignored me as I said.. I might have been fine today being semi distracted with school work, but when I saw her I died slightly on the inside because she brought on a bunch of memories of depressing thoughts and observations

That's one introspection and I hated every second I had to remember it ;-;

Re: Know my story please
 

If there's one thing I would want to say to try and help you, it'd be to tell you how false this is.

There's nothing but your well being.

If you can go another year, another month, even another day, then school is irrelevant in the grand scheme. You can recover from bad grades, you can even recover from dropping out.

But if your well being is being neglected to the point of thinking of turning to suicide, then it may very well be the last thing that matters.

I know telling you this might not help anything directly, but one of the worst things you can do right now (or ever in your life, really) is begin to believe in lies.

Re: Know my story please
 

My father told me if I miss too many days of school then my parents won't receive their social security checks and we will lose our home.. News to me
That really fucking complicates things

unless i was lied to but idek

Re: Know my story please
 

I'm doubtful, but I can't claim to know much about social security.


When would you say you're feeling the best?

Re: Know my story please
 

well, there is a short pdf online about social security checks involving children. Look into the information regarding social security checks and children, and create the comparison to your own situation, and you could probably figure out whether they are lying or not.

https://www.socialsecurity.gov/pubs/EN-05-10085.pdf

In my own opinion, and as blunt as it sounds, it feels like they're trying to put the guilt of such an outcome on you, so that they don't lose said support checks. If the situation is great enough, bring it up with them, I probably would if you were serious enough about your own health.

Re: Know my story please
 

I did a small bit of research and found no connection between school attendance and eligibility for social security benefits. The only relevant requirement seeming to be that you're scheduled as a full-time student, which would be the case in most public schooling situations. That being said, there's entirely different potential consequences for lack of attendance.

This is a time where I would then go to a school counselor, but it would seem that there's some trust issues there.

It's tough.

Re: Know my story please
 

To be absolutely honest with you, I've been sitting here watching the thread pass for the last couple of hours because I've dealt with a lot of depression in my life. I've had lots of fixes to it, I've had lots of returns of it. I've had what I would consider the highest high's and the highest low's that I've seen people chat about on this website, and I've made other people feel from it when I shared about it, and have written at least 3 threads on it. If I were in your shoes, I would rebel against my parents, or start a serious talk with them about it and if they want to escalate it I wouldn't hesitate to raise my voice with the escalation. Straight up, I'd it to them that my life is more important than meeting the demands for their fucking social security checks, or going to school. That I'd rather die than live the torment that I'm living right now, and the way that your mother acts about it isn't helping anything, including herself, which is the only thing I'm hearing.


I've held back on saying this though, because it may be something that you don't want to hear.

I would recommend doing your research. See what the possibilities are. Look into center's yourself, contact them yourself (if you can) and if not, ask your father for maybe some help. If not him, then someone else that you can trust. If your mother intervenes, show what you've done yourself, and how important it is to you. I would like to imagine the conflict that's happening to your parents on this subject because from the sounds of things, they are very divided on it.

Even if you're nervous about doing talking, just force it. Say hello, say you got a bit of a problem, start talking away. It's one of the hardest things to do with depression, and it almost never gets easier. I've had to do it a couple of times for school projects, and it would take me literally an hour or two of hyping myself up to it or prepparing myself for it, because I'd be so scared that I said something wrong, or didn't want the person to get my words tangled up even if I wrote it from script. So if you're having trouble with this, take as long as you need to find that inner confidence in yourself to do it.



On the topic of counseling:

I've been to counseling before, extensively. I will say that it did work for me, but it's very selective depending on who works with you, and it's brutal. You will have to go to one by force from someone else before you start to like one imo, and before you start to really feel serious changes, albeit very dull. It's not magic, it's actually extremely slow. From the day I first took counseling to the day that I stopped counseling, it took a year and a half for things to turn around. And during that time, I was out of school for the entirety of it, and I was 16 years old. If you go to one, they will probably encourage you to go to school, and recommend your parents to put you in there physically, but no one's keeping you from staying there. I dropped school for counseling. I got over my stress & depression faster yes, but later down the road I did get a bit of depression that I was falling behind in school, and my friends were a grade or two ahead of me. It all comes down to how much you want to weigh these options. I don't think counseling will help me again, it may help you though if you believe that it will help.

Re: Know my story please
 

After reading through this thread in its entirety, I feel like I should at least offer what little support I can.

As a disclaimer, I will be completely transparent and say that I was raised in a home with two loving parents that, for the most part, got along really well and never did anything that wasn't in my best interest. I've never struggled with suicidal thoughts and only gone through the smallest amounts of depression or sadness that were all very brief and circumstantial. I did, however, have trouble being social from about middle school to late high school. The only "friends" I had would belittle me and bully me for no reason at all. I ended up changing schools when the opportunity came up and met some great people there. Even after all of that, I still can be kind of distant with people and working on my social skills is a matter of daily learning. Anyway, enough about me, just thought I would lay a little background so you can take anything I say with a grain of salt (hopefully I don't say anything accidentally offensive or rediculous).

I really don't know how to gauge the relationship between you and your parents, especially with my bias. I tend to have a hard time grasping the fact that there are a lot of kids that have parents that are either abusive or struggle to care for them properly. Considering the fact that your parents are trying to control which direction you are heading, I think it's safe to say that they care about you. If they literally let you do whatever you wanted with no retaliation, that would be a way worse situation IMO.

So considering the fact that they must care about you, I would say your best bet is to get them to understand your situation and your needs. This is obviously a difficult thing and pretty much takes a lot of patience. My biggest advice is that you need to stay calm and firm when you discuss things with them. Especially if your talks usually end up in raised voices, arguments, or being ignored, I think they will really take notice if you come to them with a serious tone and you don't react in a heated way. It might even freak them out a little bit.

As far as the content of what to tell them, that is going to have to be up to you. I would recommend calmly letting them know that you want to share with them how you are feeling and how you are thinking about your situation. Try to overcome your fear of opening up to them and tell them as accurately as you can how things are for you. If you follow this up with saying that you want help with changing your circumstances, they should have absolutely no reason to deny you help. If you manage all of this while keeping a calm attitude, not cutting them off when they talk, but politely listening to what they have to say and they STILL react with indifference or blatantly tell you that they don't care, then you have a real problem on your hands. At that point, I would seek outside help and take matters in your own hands. I hardly think it will escalate to that stage, but I don't really know your parents so who knows.

If you keep the mindset that your parents love you and are only trying to help, it hopefully will help you remain calm when dealing with them. If it really starts to go south, just stop and politely say something like "I'm sorry, I'm just frustrated right now. I don't want to argue about this, I just want you to see where I am coming from. Can we talk about it later when I've cooled down a little bit?" If you default to admitting that you are the one at fault (even if they are), it will really put a damper on any arguments and will make productive conversation waaaay more likely to happen.

I really wish I had more to give on this subject, I just don't feel like I have enough personal experience to be useful. I've had a pretty close relationship with a couple of people who were having pretty serious suicidal thoughts, but all I really could end up doing in those situations was constantly let them know that I cared about them and offered my ears to listen to whatever they wanted to talk to me about.

As with everyone else, if you really just need a set of ears with no criticism coming back at you, I am always willing to just listen. I'm not the kind of person to spread anything around, either. I just listen and store it in the vault. I can't promise a lot of helpful advice, but if you just need someone to talk to, I'm available.

My personal joy stems from my spiritual relationship with God and the church, but I know that isn't a very popular stance these days, and I don't want to appear like I'm forcing anything on anybody so I'll leave it at that. I just find it works out pretty well for me since it doesn't rely on my current circumstances, and I find it easier to maintain emotional stability and a positive outlook.

EDIT: Oh, and thanks to Icy for that real transparency. It's nice to see people willing to show a little bit of vulnerability for the sake of helping someone else. None of us are perfect and all of us deal with our own crap.

Re: Know my story please
 

Somehow the thread was revived.. I had a fear of bringing this up again but I still wanted to talk to the community about this and possibly get help. I might as well do it since it has been revived anyways..
What initially made me depressed were specific situations which I went through. Now I am depressed because of a more general outlook. I've been asking a bunch of deep questions which I could probably figure out an answer to but I hate thinking about things like that because it feels too out of the ordinary and I want to be as ordinary as I can as to not draw a bunch of attention from others whom I do not associate with, but still live an eventful life. I want to socialize but it seems and feels impossible to do.. I want to stop feeling alone but I don't know how I can with the way I am.
I can't think any further at the moment.. I'm exhausted

Re: Know my story please
 

Do you think that thinking about these deep, important questions will cause people to perceive you differently? More importantly, if they are even able to perceive your shift in thinking, do you think they will treat you differently? If so and if you don't like the way that they would treat you, don't associate with them. It's far more important to be yourself. Restricting yourself just so you don't draw attention is much more hurtful imo. If you think your depression could be related to a lack of answers to these deep questions, THEN THINK ABOUT THEM. Screw what other people think about you, find those answers so you can be satisfied with yourself.

Re: Know my story please
 

(If you want feel free to add me on Skype and we can talk further)

Re: Know my story please
 

I know that what I think will not be heard or be able to be judged by others, because what I think is in my mind. It's a personal feeling that I am going to lose my humanity or sanity if I keep dwelling on these thoughts, but at the same time, I feel like I won't be able to change anything if I don't understand certain things, and to understand something you need to ask questions and figure them out. If I miraculously achieve a shift in thinking large enough to be noticed by others, then based on everything I have seen, people would talk to me like they do to others.. but if that isn't the case, and I can't fulfill my wanting of others, I don't feel like I could keep on living at that point. There's many different ways to change myself, but if the end result is the same, then I don't think my depression will stop

I think I can classify it as a habit which needs breaking. Or a disability in my thinking where I can't think fast enough to contribute to conversations at a normal pace so I restrict myself completely so I don't have to go through the struggle and frustration that is caused when I try to hold down conversations. I never know what to say, seemingly from my short term memory which causes me to only remember things around me or things being discussed around me, and me being a ponderer, when someone says something, by the time I think of what they said and come up with a reply, the situation has either already become awkward from silence which distracts me and I end up forgetting what I thought about, or they have moved on to another subject and I am behind in what they were saying, OR whomever I am talking to starts talking to somebody else.

I am beginning to have trouble thinking about what is depressing me. I think my brain is repressing these memories. My mother just noticed I was feeling depressed and she told me to sit on the couch and tell her what made me depressed, and I told her I didn't know. Then she said she wished I felt comfortable enough to tell her, but I HONESTLY COULDN'T UNDERSTAND WHY. A LOT OF THE TIME I CAN'T THINK ABOUT IT.
I was only able to explain so much because I wasn't thinking about it directly, I was thinking about it to answer these questions, if that makes any sense..

Re: Know my story please
 

I think I understand. Sorry if I came off as a bit harsh, I tend to be very direct with these sorts of things. My offer above still stands just fyi

Re: Know my story please
 

I don't want to live right now

I don't know how to feel
I don't want to keep going through this

Re: Know my story please
 

You're not alone Rapta, Choof has been experiencing the same thoughts.
We all support you and we all got your back.
You are placed #8 in the FFR Rank which is a single digit.
Only 9 people can ever get a single digit rank, and you're one of them!
That's saying something right there, you have reached a god level that only very few have reached!

Re: Know my story please
 

If I'm feeling alone and that I have nobody to go to for help and depressed, can I just die?

Re: Know my story please
 

It's pretty pathetic I'm posting this in a finger game forum

Re: Know my story please
 

well, no

raptor do you wanna chat with anyone or anything?
or have you?
you really should

Re: Know my story please
 

Rapta! This may be a goofy tap tap game but we're just as real of people as anyone else! Dont be ashamed of posting this in a forum it's more than most people could do!

I'm also here to talk to on here or skype or w/e anytime rapta! <3 you

Re: Know my story please
 

As someone who's received SSI for a couple of years for this kind of thing, I can tell you right now that the Social Security Administration could not give a single fuck if you are/were enrolled/going to school or not.

On another note, you probably don't know me, but I'd be more than glad to talk with you and help out in anyway I can. Good luck with things! :) You'll make it.

Re: Know my story please
 

Hey buddy, stay strong! You are a good dude, and I think you should come to our next florida meet-up and meet some cool down to earth ffr playas. We will go play laser tag and mini golf and go karting! Doesn't that sound like fun?!! Looking forward to meeting you :)

Re: Know my story please
 

icy, turns all his depression into arrow data for the players to step on for him <3
no wonder theres so many arrows

Re: Know my story please
 

I wanted to try to Skype with someone because I had an awful nightmare which really upset me and I go back to school tomorrow but can't sleep but I can't access Skype again and I'm really frustrated and feeling down. I told myself the next time I felt depressed I would try skyping someone but nobody is probably awake right now anyway..
Even though the nightmare was fictional, it reminded me of my depression..
It feels wrong but I am going to share what the nightmare was. I was at my brother's house and nobody was paying attention to my existence. In the beginning I was listening to their conversations but then I couldn't hear anymore, everyone's voices were faded. Then in another nightmare of the same sleep, I slipped and spilled something and my parents told me to go get the mop (I've never used a mop before). I couldn't find it in the closet and I was insulted by my parents because it was apparently on plain sight. My mother said she was going to get it herself and do it herself and my father started arguing saying I needed to do it and then they both turned to me and asked why I stopped and I told them I was listening to their argument and my father said I was worthless at it anyway so I yelled "fine you do it!!" and ran out of the room. I heard my mother yell my name and it was so loud it woke me up and scared me. She didn't actually call me, she is still asleep. Now I sit here feeling depressed and I don't know what to do about it.

Re: Know my story please
 

Didn't sleep either lol.

If you wanna talk or hop on BO2 later today we can.

Re: Know my story please
 

My dog has advanced stages of kidney failure and my father is very sick and refuses to see a doctor. I am very depressed. I have had nightmares which my social anxiety showed itself, which have really upset me, four nightmares in a row. I have to wait a full week before I can talk to my psychologist. I am having trouble focusing on anything other than being depressed or pessimistic thoughts. I cried about seven times today. They say the harder the hardship the better you become after you deal with it but it's been two years now and I am worse.

Re: Know my story please
 

I'm the guy that randomly commented on your profile a month ago. I just ran into this looking up Stepmania stuff, and it felt like a bit more than mere coincidence, so I kept on reading. I saw that you hadn't said anything in a while is why I commented, I wasn't sure if you wanted me to bring it up or not. I wasn't sure what to say, since I'm afraid of not helping (or worse). I've been thinking about it, and I decided to at least say something, so here I am.

Now, nothing all that "bad" has really happened to me, only things within me. I had OCD for a while, but that's gone now. I had a habit of worrying, and defaulting to depressing thoughts, and I've talked to numerous people with trouble like you, so hopefully what I've learned from that will help.

My OCD pretty much stopped when I got interested in Vocaloid, because it was something positive to concentrate on. I still had my habit of worrying and going into depressing thoughts, but then I realized that was stupid, because there's nothing to be depressed about, so I started fighting the depressing thoughts away. Eventually I got fed up and pretty much decided that it was MY mind, MY thoughts, and if there's one thing I can do, I can control my own mind, and I just kind of turned it off. It wasn't that easy, sometimes I still start thinking depressing thoughts, but I just immediately start thinking about positive things - Vocaloid - and the depressing stuff goes away.

I found Vocaloid about a year ago, and it literally changed my life. It may sound silly, but hear me out.
I kind of got a feel for each Vocaloid's personality, and tried to imagine what they would be like. I personally don't like imagining them being perfect, because that's not real. Just the amazing people I always wanted around me, but never had. And then I try to be like that.
There's some really deep inspirational stuff in some of the songs they sing, too. I'll put some links at the bottom of this post.
I was interested in animation before I got into Vocaloid, but it, plus Monty Oum and his anime series RWBY, which also led to my interest in anime, really kicked it off.
It also got me interested in dancing. Monty got me into Stepmania.
Which all helps.

I don't know about your beliefs (if any), but even if you think it's stupid, just grab a bible and read through the New Testament. I don't care if you read for five minutes a day or a whole hour, just read. Keep an open mind, and maybe, even if only a little, it will help. Just knowing that there's something huge out there, and knowing your problems are very small compared to the whole universe, helps me a whole lot. Not to mention that God and Jesus are there to help you too.

Fill your mind with good. Be it God, a game, whatever. Find a hobby and concentrate all your energy on it (in a healthy way). If not good, just neutral, constant thoughts about what you're doing at the moment. "I'm going to tie my shoes now" may sound stupid, but it'll keep the bad away. And if it's not bad, it's good. Think about that hobby, plan how you're going to do it in your head. Like you're talking to yourself.

If you find you're slipping into depressing thoughts, just immediately start thinking about good things. I don't care if it's how much you love your dear friend/cat/plushie, or how the sunshine is pretty, or what. Just anything positive. Concentrate on it so much you can't think about anything else for a second, if you need to.

Realize that problems don't matter, in the big scheme of things. Most of the great minds of this world dropped out of school. If your house burns down and everyone survives, but you lose everything, just that everyone's okay is all that matters. You can buy more stuff, and find somewhere to live. If someone dies, it was just their time to go, God picked another one of the prettiest flowers, there's not much you can do about it, besides thank God that they had lived and brightened up your life. Even your parents, which you say don't seem to care about you, they still gave you food and shelter, and that is showing that they care. And yes, you might miss whoever dies for the rest of your life, but then you'll die too, and you'll finally be together again.

Don't worry about what other people think. What's it to them? If they don't care enough to realize you're not stupid, then they're not people worth your time anyway. And time is what life is made of, so if you waste your time on them, you're wasting invaluable seconds that you could be spending on something wonderful.

One of the important things in life is to just be okay with yourself. You can only be alone when there are other people with you. The wrong people. All you need is you. And if all you need is you, you'll be perfectly okay on your own. That's not to say being with good people isn't good, that is, in fact, wonderful, and it makes things so much better. Just don't be with the wrong people.

What kind of deep questions are you asking yourself, if I may ask? It may not be worth worrying about, or maybe you should sit down, write it out, and think about it. Even if you can't answer it, sometimes just thinking helps.

I'm really sorry about your dog, and your dad! Are you taking your dog to the vet? Why is your dad refusing?

When something seems too big to just not worry about, or if it really will affect you more than just school or something, it may help to pretend that it doesn't matter, so you don't worry and it's easier to stay calm, but acknowledge that something needs to be done about it, and figure out what the best thing to do is, and do it. If you don't stay calm it's easy to make mistakes, so just make sure you're calm, and thinking rationally.

I highly recommend you try dancing. Don't worry about looking good, just relax and let the music's energy surround you. You can always do it in private if that will help you relax. Doesn't have to be anything fancy, just move. It's kind of hard to be depressed when you're letting a happy song envelope you.

Links (sorry, it won't let me make them clickable):

youtube DOT com/watch?v=Piw1lsN5YbI&index=35&list=PLSBOsdX8ciNS-hQi1XGRJJ-v2mvjQW4lb

youtube DOT com/watch?v=L6jEpM32c6E

youtube DOT com/watch?v=JURBhBi4yGg&index=1&list=PLSBOsdX8ciNS-hQi1XGRJJ-v2mvjQW4lb

youtube DOT com/watch?v=PdhMjCnwq6I

youtube DOT com/watch?v=-s72Dk5U0_I&list=PLSBOsdX8ciNS-hQi1XGRJJ-v2mvjQW4lb&index=75

youtube DOT com/watch?v=ZuLxcWwrJpo&list=PLSBOsdX8ciNTWL92Rq5shyrlWkXoBTL4v&index=79

youtube DOT com/watch?v=Rg-WsT16Nnw&list=PLSBOsdX8ciNSif7fLkOdKCqwwPGkk_h3h&index=14

youtube DOT com/playlist?list=PLUBVPK8x-XMhCW2fW7ZYlD9MHjvmT8IGK

youtube DOT com/user/montyoum/videos

Keep moving forward!